A night at the theatre

Dear Reader,

Recently, I had the opportunity to watch the new Spider-Man musical on Broadway. I went into the evening thinking that the play was going to be horrible. Not because I hate comics or musicals (I fucking love those things!), but because it is an insanely difficult thing to successfully execute. So I was going into this event expecting something awful, and leave it to the assholes who made it to not disappoint. It must be noted that this was a preview of the show, it doesn't premiere until the new year. I understand if there are some technical issues or flubbed lines.

Let's start off with the fact that Bono and The Edge did the music for this piece of shit. That is the first red flag for the production. U2 sucks. They can't even count to fourteen correctly, in Spanish. Also Bono is a massive douche, and should be drawn and quartered for crimes against humanity. That being said, at least some of U2's songs are catchy, even if it is in the "holy shit this is so bad, I think it gave my ears herpes!" kind of way. The producers of Spidey wish the music was that bad. The music is so generic and boring, I felt completely indifferent towards it. I don't remember a single thing about the music of this fucking show. Even a bad musical will have you hum the songs after.

The full title of this shit pile is Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark. What the fuck does that mean? There was a song titled "Turn Off the Dark," but since it was a song in this play I don't remember a fucking thing about it. According to my research (Wikipedia) The title comes from Bono. He remember a story of a child saying "turn off the dark," instead of "turn on the lights," when he wanted to lights on in a room. Really? Would Bono not leave production meetings until he got his filth on everything? Julie Taymor (producer of this mess) says that Spider-Man is bringing some light to the darkness, or some bullshit. So if assbag Bono wasn't in the room, this shit would be called Spider-Man: Turn On the Lights? Why was he telling this story of that docuhebag kid in the first place? Why would anyone want to talk to him?

So you have no reason to see this abomination if you like music. Let us move on to the story. The following paragraphs is jam packed with spoilers.

Act 1:

Four asshole kids are talking about writing the origin story of Spider-Man. They mention the comics so they are not making up the story, they are just telling it, for some reason that is never revealed. Before they get into Peter Parker and company, they talk about the Greek story of Arachne. You may be asking why they would do this. I have no idea, she has nothing to do with the comics. To give a recap, Arachne was some olde timey Greek broad who could weave like none other, and she would brag about this fact all the time (she even said she was better than Athena!). Athena didn't like how this bitch was putting her on blast, so she challenged Arachne to a duel. It was the most hardcore duel ever! They weaved. Arachne won, so Athena turned her into a spider. Arachne was the first person spider. Do you care yet? I didn't think so.

Now they get into the story. You know this story. Peter Parker is a nerd who is in love with his neighbor Mary Jane. On a class trip to Norman Osborn's scientific facility, Dub P gets bit by a radioactive spider, thus becoming out web-slinging friend (old news). Also it must be noted that Osborn talks to the four kids from earlier, which makes no sense (they are making this story up kind of). Now Peter learns he has powers and wrestles a guy to make some money.

Some notes on this scene. Those asshole kids are back and one of them mentions "Sunday Bloody Sunday." How much creative control did Bono have, and I don't think Taymor could be any further up his ass if she was his large intestine. Also the guy he is wrestling is a giant blow up doll, which looks just stupid.

On his way home from getting his money, he doesn't help a bully who is getting his car stolen. Uncle Ben (Peter's uncle) tries to save the day but get hit by the car and dies. This is supposed to be the most important part of the Spider-Man story. This is why he becomes a super hero. However the only time we saw Uncle Ben is when he is yelling at Peter for getting his ass kicked, so you don;t care that he died. They fucked up the most important part of the entire story. While Pete is sleeping Arachne meets him in his dream... I think. Arachne is now a nightmare inducing giant spider with a woman torso above her thorax. I think she gives him his costume at this point, this is all very vague (I know we are only in Act 1 still, it felt even longer sitting through it).

Spider-Man is running around saving the day (like he does). Osborn is pressured to use his experiments on himself to become powerful. In an experiment gone awry , he kills his wife and become the Green Goblin. He starts terrorizing the city (like he does). J. Jonah Jameson (head of the Daily Bugle newspaper) claims that Spidey is the real terror. Eventually Duble G has Spider-Man at the top of the Empire State Building, and is threatening to kill MJ. Did I mention his is doing this by tying her to a piano and throwing the aforementioned piano off the building? The Goblin took notes from Wile E. Coyote. Somehow Spider-Man saved Mary Jane and tied Greeny to the piano, thus killing him.

That was Act One. Holy fuck an hour and a half went by! This was the entire first Spider-Man movie, but a very bad version of it. There is still another Act! There is clearly no god.

Act 2:

Those asshole kids are back. Some of them think the story is over too. Spidey just beat his ultimate enemy in the Goblin. Oh no he wasn't the ultimate. So they introduce the Sinister Six (Carnage, Lizard, Electro, Swiss Miss, Kraven and Swarm). If you know the comics (or don't) you must know one thing strange about Swiss Miss. Swiss Miss isn't from the comics either, the kids even mention that they just made her up. There are hundreds of actual villains for them to choose from, but they make up some asshole for no reason. All six of these goons are easily taken care of, by Parker. Clearly they are not the ultimate either. Arachne is back again for no reason, now she has like six other people sized spider friends (no one cares).

Things are not going well for Peter, his relationship with MJ is strained because he is busy saving everyone. He throws his costume away. This action makes his powers go away? That is what I asked when they made a big deal, that he threw away his powers. PP and MJ are dancing at a discotheque (to what? (a fucking U2 song (at this point I attempted suicide))), when there is a black out. The Green Goblin is back and he released the Sinister Six, terror ensues.

Reports are telling JJJ that the shit is hitting all kinds of fans (people are being murdered, shoes are being stolen (yes they mention that hundreds of shoes are stolen (this is somehow equally important as murder (due to my failed suicide attempt, I begin crying uncontrollably))). The kids are talking about the story again, but are interrupted by Arachne's spider friends. How are they attacking the people telling the story. Its like the end The Neverending Story, but with less whimsy. The kids are never seen again (why have them in the first place?!). Peter is still just being Peter, not helping anyone or anything. Him and Mary Jane seem perfectly fine with the world ending.

Now we hang out with Arachne and Company again. They sing a song about shoes. Read that last sentence again. They now have people legs with high-healed shoes on. The shoes somehow give Arachne the power to turn into a chick again. She goes to Trip J to have him write a headline to get Spider-Man. Her place works, and Spider-Man returns. He easily dispatches of the Green Goblin and the Six other assholes again. All seems like it would be fine and dandy, but MJ is kidnapped... again.

Arachne has MJ in a web. She is also a giant fuck off spider lady again. Shoes are only a temporary fix, I guess. Spider-Man says that Arachne can take him, but she has to let MJ go. This apparently moved her so much that she said that she will let them both go and she is no free form her curse. Did Taymor realize that this play would never fucking end? What an abrupt and stupid way to deal with this shit. Oh I forgot one more bit. It was all a dream. Arachne made Peter dream all the events after Green Goblin died at the end of the first act. Basically, it is like when Victoria Principle saw Patrick Duffy in the shower in Dallas. So those asshole kids were taken care of by things that were a dream in the thing they were making up! This is the worst homage to Inception ever!

That's how it fucking ends! I am also done with the spoilers, so you can read again.

Scott, was it all bad? I know it may seem like it was, but there were some redeeming qualities. The sets were amazing. They looked like they were in the comics, it was extremely well done. This was the Broadway equivalent to Avatar. Great to look at, but otherwise a giant mound of dog shit.There were a lot of stunts in the play too (some high flying excitement!). They had to stop down once, but that was fine (as I said it was a preview show so stop downs and some fuck ups are OK).

If you have to decide on seeing this play or sticking your face in a bear trap, choose the bear trap. Unless you get a hard on for set design, steer clear of this theatrical abortion.

Fuck you Julie Taymor,
Scott

A late Thanksgiving hodgepodge of fun!

Dear Reader,

As you are well aware. Thanksgiving recently happened. As is our culture, it is now Christmas season! Shit yea! As I have pointed out, our country has a rich history of failed terrorist attacks, during the holiday season. This year is no different! On November 26th, the redundantly named, Muhamed Osman Muhamud tried to blow up a tree lighting ceremony in Portland, Oregon. I know what you are thinking, "Who cares about Portland, Oregon?" Well that is exactly why MOM wanted to explode the tree. He thought he was a genius, because no one would suspect someone to attack Oregon (mostly because no one cares about Oregon).

This all started in August of 2009, when Double Muhamed was in contact (via electronic styled mail) with terrorists. Eventually Dub Muha and his pen pal decided it was time to go all the way live, and perform a violent jihad (is there any other kind? (well, I guess there are (but who wants one of those? (not me, that's for damn sure)))). In June 2010, Muhamud Squared met in person with his online buddy, and there he revealed his scheme. As I mentioned it was the tree lighting ceremony. His friend gave him, the bomb needed and a phone number. The phone number was, for Ozzie to call when the bomb was set; when he calls, the place goes boom! There was only one snag to his ingenious plan. His friend was an FBI operative who was on to him the whole time. Naturally when he called, he was arrested. So really this isn't as fun as last year's terrorist attack (if only he set his wang on fire).

On to Sunday! I am a Pittsburgh Steelers fan, so I was watching their game against the Buffalo Bills. To make a long game short, they were in overtime. Ryan Fitzpatrick threw an easily catchable touchdown to Stevie Johnson, who caught the ball. The Bills won the game! Finally the people of Buffalo had something to be happy about! Oh wait, no, none of that happened. Steve-O dropped the ball (like a chump), and they lost. This isn't a big deal, the Bills lose all the time. Shortly after the game ended Mr. Johnson posted this on Twitter: "I PRAISE YOU 24/7!!!!!! AND THIS HOW YOU DO ME!!!!! YOU EXPECT ME TO LEARN FROM THIS??? HOW???!!! ILL NEVER FORGET THIS!! EVER!!! THX THO..."

That's right lady and gentleman, he blamed god for his fuck up! That is awesome! It is about time. Every time some athletic jack ass wins a game, or some douche bag gets an award, they thank god. It is like god is some kind of gambling addict who needs these assholes to win so he can pay rent. It is refreshing to see one of these schmucks go the other way with it, and blame him for losses. Let's pretend god exists, why would he/she/it care about these things? Who wants to worship some asshole who cares so much about a stupid regular season game. Also, Steve, you should have known that god hates you, you play in Buffalo.

Now all we need is for someone to win it big and praise Satan.

Hail Satan!
Scott

Junk touching and crotch fires

Dear Reader,

I'm sure you are aware of the latest charged debate on airplane safety. That's right those crazy TSA pat downs (gropings). Let's take a look at how we got to this frenzy of emotion and wang touching.

It was Christmas day in 2009, everyone was celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ. While most people were fantasizing about doing horrible things with sugar plums and chestnuts, dressing up as a fat guy who gave special gifts to children, or throwing rocks at the local Jew (take that Schlomo!), one man decided to start a new tradition. That man was Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, a man with a vision. UFA decided that he wanted to hijack and explode a plane (plane hijacking is so 2001, get with the times). How would he pull this off, you ask? By setting his crotch on fire, I answer. Needless to say, his plan had some holes in it. This incident caused two things to happen. First, Mr. Abdulmutallamadamadingdong had some genital scarring (the greatest gift of all), and, second, the TSA decided to implement full body scans.

These scans are neat. They take work like an x-ray, but instead seeing your bones, they see under your clothes. Finally, those x-ray glasses exist! The image isn't incredibly clear, and its in black and white. So people are all in a tizzy, because TSA agents can take pictures of their naughty bits. This has some pretty obvious problems. If a youngin' gets a scan, there are child pornography implications (finally pervs can lose that creepy van, and get a job for the TSA), but as I said the images are not great, they are not very detailed. I don't want to single out people who like naked little children, there are also people who like naked adults, which another reason people don't like the FBS's. In this case I feel bad for the TSA agents. Let's pretend these images are HD quality and awesome. The naked people we all know and love, from the movies and magazine are pre-approved to be naked. Your everyday person is not so aesthetically gifted. Those pictures will be more of a curse than a blessing. So what happens if you don't want to have TSA agents look at your goods? You can get a good old fashioned pat down.

Well not this isn't your mother's pat down, they get in there! What we are used to is a quick once over, like a PG rating if we were to compare it to a movie. These new pat downs go into all of your nooks and crannies, to keep with our analogy this is like an NC-17 rating (well aside from your clothes being on (I know, boring)). I am sure you have heard the hoopla about the poking and prodding. One guy made waves by recording his interaction with the TSA and loudly saying "Don't touch my junk." People are understandably upset about the handsy TSA (flash backs of an uncle the family no longer talks about maybe). So what can you do to stop the near rape at the airport? You can do very little.

If you have reached this stage, your only option is to get man handled in a private room (where no one can hear you cry). I have a solution to this problem, but it will take a lot of people to not have shame. Do not go tot he private room, stay out in the public eye. When they start touching you, get into it. Start moaning and breathing heavy. Give them orders ("faster, harder, pull my hair!"). Get into it! Eye contact is also a great idea. Eventually they will get uncomfortable and stop (or get equally awkward (which would be better)).

Or you could grow a pair, and just get the fucking body scan. The TSA is doing the best they can. If they don't take these precautions and some asshole sets his johnson on fire on a plane again, everyone will be pissed that the TSA didn't do anything. As I said the pictures don't look like much, the agents just want to do their job and get on with their life. Get over yourself, no one wants to see you naked, average American.

See you in the airport,
Scott

Fun times in a hole

Dear Reader,

Once again I must apologize for the delay. This time I was trapped in a caved in mine. I doubt you cared about little old me, you were too busy with some other similar story. So what if I wasn't in an exotic land, trapped down there for over two month, and if the cave in was "possibly" all my fault; I'm still a human interest story, god dammit!

I guess you would rather read about the Chilean 33, instead of my tale of heroism, intrigue, and drug mules (your loss). Last chance to read my story? Yes? No? Die Scott? Fine.

So on August 5th 2010 a mine collapsed in Chile, which (like collapsed mines do) trapped a number of miners 2,257 ft underground. At least they had each other. Initially they tried to escape via ventilation ducts, but the ladders needed to reach the ducts were nowhere to be found. They were supposed to be there. A spokesperson may have said something along the lines of, "Ladders are a crutch." You can't argue with sound logic like that!

So seventeen days later the miners got the word out that they were alive (the world rejoiced). This marks the first of one of the two major events that wasn't the actual collapse and rescue: Finally, America knew of more Chileans than just Snooki.

Speaking of the Snookster, she is writing a book. There are several mind boggling things about that fact:
1. It's a fictional novel about "big hair, dark tans, and fights galore." So it's basically autobiographical.
2. Who is this book targeting? The average Jersey Shore fan can't read.
3. Who knew Snooki Snooki Snoo Snoo could write? And I don't mean write well, I mean the act of putting words onto paper.
4. This isn't the only (or even first!) Jersey Shore alumni to get a book deal. Get excited for The Situation's self help book and a how to guide penned by J-Woww and Ronnie. How to what? Keep the Jersey Shore look and attitude (in other words How To Look and Act Like a Douchebag: for Douchebags, by Douchebags) that's what!

Back to our friends in a hole. Nothing really exciting happened between then and the release, except that one thing. One of the miners, Yanni Barrios, has a wife and a mistress. And they got to finally meat each other! They met at the vigil for the 33 when everyone thought they were dead. Both the wife and the mistress were crying out for their lost love Yanni, then realized it was the same dude. After all of this, I can't wait for him to get a reality show. It can be on VH1 and be called Mine of Love.

Then they were rescued. This process started on October 12th and ended on the 13th. It was like a two day marathon of a very boring version of Prison Break. The rescue marks the second big ideology change in the world. Finally, adults could openly say that they are excited about a bunch of miners, without having to talk to Chris Hansen about what they're trying to do here.

Now, here is why I am upset about the miner story, no cannibalism. I know! What the fuck!? People are going to want to make movies and read books on this. Why? They pretty much got along, and they didn't eat each other (I can't stress this enough). Why did people want to read (or watch the movie adaptation of) Alive? For the compelling story of a team of Uruguayan Rugby players overcoming impossible odds and getting saved? Hell no! They want to find more about how they had to eat each other to survive. That is compelling shit! Not these miners. No one even gnawed off any one's arm. Waste of time.

So in conclusion, the miners all made it out of the mine. They saw their shadow, so Chile is in for six more months of winter.

Suck on that Puxsutawney Phil!
Scott

Cereal and Segway

Dear Reader,

Sorry for the delay, I was trying to be charitable, but failed horribly. You see, I bought myself a box of OchocincOs and that's how it went down. Wide receiving sweetheart of the Cincinnati Bengals, Chad Ochocinco, has got himself his own cereal. PLB Sports put out the cereal. They are the company who put out Flutie Flakes and Big Ben Beef Jerky. Big Ben isn't a joke, but incredibly true! He would have his own line of beef jerky products. With every bag Benny Double Bacon, forcibly shoves beef jerky down your throat until you pass out. Back to the cereal. With every box bought, three American dollars gets donate to the Feed the Children charity. If you feel so inclined, you can also call the Feed the Children charity to donate more. Instead of getting the charity, when you call the number printed on the box, you get a phone sex line. So instead of helping needy children, you get the opportunity to let loose some knuckle children tot he voice of an anonymous female. So really, it's a toss up for which is better.

On to some more news!

I'm sure you've been to your local mall, and seen the mall security officers riding their Segway around (to scoot about and protect). These bad boys move and a blindingly fast twelve miles per hour. They move by you leaning forward. How do you go faster? Lean harder! With such amazing controls as that, its no wonder that they have been considered unsafe. Wearing a helmet is strongly suggested. Its like a lame motorcycle, maybe you could form some shitty gang of Segway owners. In 2009 a British guy named James Heselden bought the Segway company. Now I can segue into this (Get it? Segue! Segway! OK I'll stop this now.) James Heselden is dead.

Jimmy drove his Segway off a cliff.

I couldn't think of anything to follow the last line,
Scott

An Infrequent Update

Dear Reader,

Sorry I have been gone for just about a month. I probably should have posted something on here. I mean a lot has been going on:

Lebron James is taking names of all who have talk trash about him. Since I like being part of lists: Lebron James is a bitch, who is think way to highly of himself. Lebro-game, I hope South Beach enjoys your talents and you get hep c. Cleveland is so distraught over his leaving they have turned to gambling. That's right Cleveland will be your new casino destination. It'll be nice for the whole city to get together and bet against the Heat in the sports book. Then bookies can have the responsibility of breaking the knee caps of an entire city. Which would be a great job opportunity for those with knee breaking skills. Bring your talents to the mistake by the lake.

The CEO of HP resigned because he was taking Jodie Fisher out on dates on the company dime. That's right Jodie Fisher! The same woman who played Night Nurse #1 in Little Big League!

Brett Favre has unretired again. Grandpa Brett basically taught L. Bron how to destroy the hopes and dreams of a city. I don't care how fucking comfortable he looks in Wrangler jeans, I want Old Man Favre to die. However, I don't want him to die now, I want him to be injured in week one. Like a bad, but not crippling injury. I want him to be healthy enough to keep playing, because he is too much of a douche to sit out a game. This way he ends his career with his worst season. In other words I want the announcers to mention how much fun he is not having out there. Then when the season is over, I want him to mauled to death by a pack of wolves.

Also Heidi Montag's plastic surgeon died. It would seem that in the game of life turning a cute girl into something created from Jim Henson's Creature Shop, is punishable by death. He was driving down the P.C.H. on August 16th, then he decided to (instead of staying on the highway) drive off a fucking cliff. Well he didn't make the conscious effort to drive off the cliff, he was distracted. By what? you ask. He was taking a picture of his dog, and tweeting the aforementioned picture. "Border collie Jill surveying the view from atop the sand dune," were his last words. I bet Jill had a much better view about a minute later. Jill was fine by the way, not wearing a seat belt launched he rout of the car to safety (there's a lesson here somewhere), unlike Frank Ryan (oh yea, i forgot to mention his name), who was trapped in his death mobile. In my world, he tweets the picture after he crashes.

Paul Hogan is not aloud to leave Australia. That's right Crocodile Dundee is still alive! The man who taught us all what is and isn't a knife, was in Sydney for his mother's funeral, and the Australian government is prohibiting his leaving the country. Well he can leave when his debt is paid. He owes taxes on $37.5 million in unclaimed income. So if you want to help him out, send him some cash, I'm sure he will be happy that people remember him. Who would have thought that Yahoo Serious was a better citizen than the Crock Man? Me! I would! Yahoo Serious is awesome! Go watch Reckless Kelly and Young Einstein.

That's a pretty decent recap for now. Maybe i will update more than once a month from now on.

I've missed you,
Scott

The Lynwood California Jail blues

Dear Reader,

So the other day, America's sweetheart went to prison. That's right Miss Parent Trap herself, Lindsay Lohan, is in the slammer! If you keep getting caught with cocaine, drive drunk, spend frequent time in rehab, and drive with a suspended licensee, then this is bound to happen. Is anyone surprised? Well I thought she would be dead by now, so I guess that's shocking.

She is just another example of why you should never let your children act. Child stars frequently end up like this. It's science! Children need to be kids, acting in movies throws them in a world that they really cannot handle. There is way too much drugs, sex, and money for a kiddo to deal with. I mean why would you want to play with Cabbage Patch Kids when you can fuck hookers and do lines of blow? Hookers and blow always wins. Always. To solve this problem I suggest that we do without child actors all together. From now on all children will be played by midgets. Or normal folks with a boat load of CGI. Nah midgets are a better route. I mean children are usually the worst part of every movie ever. How many action movies are ruined because the kid lives? ALL OF THEM!

Back to Loheeze, her best role was Cady in Mean Girls. That movie was the cat's pajamas! Why do you keep letting your cat wear pajamas? That's just silly. Anyway, if you have yet to see Mean Girls do yourself a favor and watch it. I'll wait here. haha gap tooth, great flick! Good now that you have seen the best of Lindy Hop, you don't need to see anything else.

Shortly after MG Ms. Lohan decided to hang with Paris Hilton and Co. Real winners! She was out getting wasted and pounded and having the time of her life. Now I have no problem with that. Do what ever the shit you want, just don't get upset when people start showing pictures of your junk hanging out when you get in and out of cars.

The best moment of this era of the Loholic was her romp with Brandon Davis. He is famous for banging celebrity train wrecks (everyone needs a hobby). One night he was hanging out with P-Hilton and got a chance to wax poetic with TMZ. In his rant he said, "Lindsay Lohan is a firecrotch, she has freckles coming out of her vagina, and her clitoris is seven feet long." Holy shit! How do freckles come out of there?! Maybe she should be in a circus not in movies. Well not mainstream movies. I don't even think it's possible to shoot freckles out of your twat. Neither freckles nor the female reproductive system work like that.

Now back to where we started. Linzal is going to jail. One more quick tangent, if you don't mind. When you go to court to have a judge decide on how much freedom you will be getting in the near future, you want to look your best. You get your hair did, and you nails made all pretty. I know that's what I do. Well Lohoosky had "Fuck U" written on the nail of her middle finger. Nothing says, "Hey judge don't fuck my life up," like a big "Fuck U." If you think about it, writing "Fuck U" there is redundant. Isn't that why we have middle fingers? I guess it saves you valuable time and energy when you don't have to retract your other four fingers (not to mention you still have to extend the one that counts!).

Needless to say, Home Slice was sentenced to ninety days in the big house. Great news! Now we have some questions about her future:

-Will she join a gang? (Please Latin Kings!)
-Will she commit suicide?
-Will she suffer from death by shanking?
-Will she turn her life around?
-Will she convince a kind, wise inmate to meet her in Zihuatanejo upon their release?

SO MANY POSSIBILITIES!

There are reports that LiLo is getting some special treatment. She gets her own phone, a personal guard, a TV, Adderall, Ambien, and clean clothes. What an outrage! She should have to smuggle all that shit up her asshole like everyone else! How will she learn to better herself now? The system has failed us once again.

Someone send her a cake with a file in it,
Scott

You're outta here!

Dear Reader,

A third one of these in a week?! Holy shit, it looks like I finally got ambitious. Don't get all excited yet, odds are this won't last long. Unfortunately for you a special someone died today. That's right George Steinbrenner ate the big eat today. If this is the first you've heard about this, then you really need to get your news from anywhere else.

That's right the owner of the Yankees is gone! Maybe now the Yankees will fall apart as well. Maybe Georgie can Chris Henry the Yankees, and they will lose tragically for the rest of the season! That is a world I want to live in. Then maybe this country can just give up its sad love affair with baseball. Then we can get a real sport in here, like curling. As you are well aware, I hate baseball. The Yankees are the worst part about this social abortion known as baseball.

I am also happy that an ancillary character, based on a real person, from Seinfeld is gone. You're next soup Nazi! Speaking of terrible things, Seinfeld was an awful show. I know everyone loves it, but it is one of the worst shows ever made. I know, I know, I should give it a chance. Well I have, I've had the displeasure of watching most of the series. It used to be on between Simpsons re-runs and I was too lazy to change the channel. The show isn't about nothing. It's abut four of the most unlikeable characters and their unlikable lives. When I see that show, I just want everyone to fail and/or die. An Odd Couple remake with Osama bin Laden and Adolf Hitler would have more sympathetic characters!

Steinny was a liar. Here is what he said after purchasing the Yankees in 1973, "We plan absentee ownership as far as running the Yankees is concerned." Really? You sure there? He was one of the most hands on owners ever. Like a more successful Al Davis (more on Al later!). Also he made all of the players to be clean-shaven and short hair. That is just a douche move. Let them grow beards and long hair. They play a game for a living, they aren't saving lives or doing anything important.

Well now that Steinbrenner is gone, maybe some other owners will follow his lead. Here is a short list of which owners should end it now.

1. Dan Gilbert (owner of the Cleveland Cavaliers) - He will probably just commit suicide, he has had a bad summer. He lost LeBron, and he's in Cleveland. He has nothing to live for. He just made the Browns, the best sports team in Cleveland.

2. Jerry Jones (owner of the Dallas Cowboys) - Just shut the fuck up Jerry. Stop trying to destroy football. He doesn't need the biggest stadium ever built. The salary cap and profit sharing are great things for the sport. Everyone hates the Yankees, and he is like a little 'brenner. Also why the shit what he on Entourage on Sunday? That was awful, just get drunk and bad mouth Bill Parcells again. Then die.

3. Al Davis (owner of the Oakland Raiders (told you I would get to him later (later is now by the way))) - Al Davis has done everything in his power to destroy the Raiders. It is really impressive, if you think about it. Just stop being an owner, gm, and play caller for your team. Also how could we forget the JaMarcus Russell experiment. To help explain the experiment. Imagine Al Davis is making the atomic bomb, and the Raiders are Hiroshima. Have you seen Mr. Davis recently? There are burn victims who are better looking! He is like a bizarre Dorian Gray painting. Whatever he does, to the Raiders, is represented on his face. I think if he looks into a mirror, if he has one, his reflection should do the trick in ending his tyranny.

At least one Yankee is gone,
Scott

Happy 12th of July!

Dear Reader,

As you know I was betrayed by some asshole, and I wasn't Internetting on the Fourth of July. So I was unable to update you on the greatest sporting event of the year, the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest. The NHDEC is he best way to celebrate the birth of our nation (for the international reader I mean my nation not yours)! It is the greatest thing on television, aside from Shark Week.

Holy shit Shark Week starts in less than a month! August 1st! GET EXCITED!

When did this magnificent event start? Why would I want to watch a bunch of fat guys eat? Who won? Stop asking questions! At least give me a chance to answer.

This annual sporting event started on July 4th, 1916 in Coney Island. Four immigrants wanted to see who can eat the most Nathan's Hot dogs to prove who was the most patriotic. As a side note, that is the only way I will now accept your love of this country. You can shove those little Post 911 American flag pins up your ass. If you are not gorging yourself on Nathan's dogs, fuck Hebrew National, this is America!

Where was I? Oh yes 1916. James Mullen won. What a hero! Even though you didn't ask, I will tell you how to get into the contest, you're welcome. The quickest way is if you are the defending champion, so work on that. I think you may need one of these other entry points. You could win a qualifying contest for the current season. If you fail to win a qualifier, you can be one of the two wild cards by having the highest average score without winning the qualifier. If you are still a disgrace and a failure you can get in by being invited by the IFOCE (International Federation of Competitive Eating). Oh you also have to be a member of the federation, so you have to do that first. GOOD LUCK!

Back to your questions! They are not all fat. Why would you assume that? In fact some of the best athletes are rather trim. You have to do a lot of exercise to be able to eat that much and live. To say they are not athletes is disrespectful, and you probably said that because your jealous. Also they aren't all guys! That's sexist, some chicks are professional gurgitators. Sonya "The Black Widow" Thomas and Juliet Lee are two women than come to mind. Both of these ladies are quite skinny, so that blows your initial assumptions right out of the water. Why do you keep your assumptions in the water anyway? That seems silly.

Now your last question. For the years of 2001 to 2006 Takeru Kobayashi was unbeatable. He was easily the greatest athlete of that era. He had a strangle hold on the contest. It was a dark time for America, him being Japanese and all. He was the best villain in sports, better than A-Rod, LeBron, and the Iceland Hockey Team in the Junior Goodwill Games in Mighty Ducks 2 combined! In 2007, all that changed. Joey Chestnut beat Kobayashi! Every year since it has always been down to Chestnut and Kobayashi with record breaking results. Every year Joey won in dramatic fashion! Every year before this year. Takeru did not participate this year. He was in contract negotiations with MLE (Major League Eating (I know! Another competitive eating organization!)), so he could not play along. Because of his absence in the contest Joey won with no problem. No record was broken. The contest was missing something. We need Kobayashi. We need a bad guy. I always root for him. I know very unpatriotic of me, but, as you know, I have a soft spot for antagonists. He is good for the sport, he makes every play better.

TK was in attendance at the event. he tried to get on stage after the event, but was arrested. The crowd chanted "Let him eat!" Not letting him participate in America's pastime is shameful. I hope this does not happen next year.

Shark Week can't happen soon enough,
Scott

Well, that was inconvenient

Dear Reader,

Sorry for the lack of updates. I made a mistake when I listened to Prince. You see a couple days ago The Artist Formally Known as the Artist Formally Known as Prince made the announcement that the Internet is completely over! Since TAFKATAFKAP and I are close friends I knew of his views a few weeks ago. That's why I have been aloof in the last month. So it turns out, I was lied to. The Internet is alive and well, as you can tell if you are reading this (which you are). If you somehow are not reading this then you have no idea what I just typed here. So this is the last time I believe someone who was once a symbol.

So since I have been neglecting my loyal reader I will do my best to update you and some recent newsings.

Apparently, Al Gore cheated on his wife Tipper with a masseuse four years ago. First of all I am not a fan of either Ally or Tip as people, so I'm already upset that I am writing about them. I hate Al because he is a fucking hypocrite. He makes a huge stink about the environment, which is warranted, but he doesn't follow his own cause. I agree that we need cleaner fuel and we need to do some right by our world. However I do not respect someone who bases their life on this, but then buys carbon credits so he can waste all the energy he wants. What an asshole. Now on to that bitch Tipper, she is the shit head who spearheaded the campaign to censor music. She is responsible for the parental advisory stickers on everything. Let people listen to whatever the fuck they want, stay out of our lives. Now back to the massage!

In 2006 Al hired this 56 year-old masseuse for a rub down. According to her, he made her drink Grand Marnier, and pinned her down, and kissed her like the french. Also, like good old Monica Lewinsky, he let lose some future children on the front of her pants. Like any reasonable person she didn't wash the pants, that's something you save for a special occasion! Now, I think something happened. Do I think he sexually assaulted her? No.

In her report she said "get off me, you lummox!" No one has used that word int he past 40 years. Her story is clearly in shambles on that line alone. Really? Also, during that encounter, she called him a "crazed sex poodle." First of that sounds a lot like flirting. These terms "lummox" and "sex poodle", don't really seem like the appropriate things to say whilst being raped. I have never been raped by an ex-vice president, maybe that is protocol. I don't know, it just seems a bit tame to me. She made a statement that she wasn't seeking money for any of this, she isn't a "gold digger." Unless you count the $1 million she is getting from the National Enquirer for the story.

To sum up my feelings on this. It pisses me off. I was very happy not imagining a naked Al Gore running around wagging his tongue, sweating profusely, fondling a middle aged woman, all while jizzing everywhere. It was just not a visual I needed. Basically, fuck you masseuse for giving me, and my reader that image.

That made me feel gross,
Scott

Remember the good old days?

Dear Reader,

Today is a very special day. Sixteen years ago today O.J. Simpson went on an exciting 35 mph car chase from the L.A.P.D. What a historic event! People were glued to their video boxes just to watch and marvel at the most riveting bit of visual stimulation in history. It was so exciting that NBC didn't even air Game 5 of the NBA Finals. People would rather watch a bunch of cars going 35 mph than watch basketball. No wonder NASCAR is so popular.

So many questions were running through America's collective mind:
Did O.J. really kill Nicole and Ron?
Will O.J. commit suicide?
Do you think it was a bad idea to name my son Orenthal?
I can run faster than that; why can't the cops catch him?
Why can't they play this instead of basketball all the time?
Wasn't that solar eclipse dope on May 10th?

There is really nothing I can tell you, that you don't know about the Simpson trial and alleged murderings. Unless of course you are somehow reading this from the past. Which is just strange. How did you get the technology and scientific knowhow to read another internet blog before it was created? Also, with all of this power, why are you reading this stupid website? Anyway, while I have your attention, I warn you, do not watch Lost when it comes out in 2004 (spoiler alert: we don't all die at year 2000), it'll just make you upset when they destroy the show in the finale.

Back to Oh Jay, I may be one of the few people who was a fan. How could you hate anyone who was in the Naked Gun movies? You can't. Technically he was found innocent on the murder charges, so we can't call him a murderer. Not only that, but once he was found innocent, he never changed his story. Even when he wrote his book "If I Did It," he still claimed he did nothing. You have to respect someone who commits to the alleged lie. Sadly he was arrested and found guilty for robbery in 2007 and is serving thirty three years. A tragic end.

Which brings me to Joran Van Der Sloot. First of all Van Der Sloot sounds like an awesome Viking Metal band. Secondly, JVDS kind of looks like Bill Hader from SNL. Like The Juice, Mr. Der Sloot is suspected of murdering someone. This someone is Natalee Holloway, in Aruba, in 2005. Unlike The Big O, the small J did not learn his lesson. He murdered again. Never commit the crime you got away with again. That's just silly.

That's right reader, Joran killed a woman in Peru. He even admitted to it! At least he is becoming a more mature murderer, it's important to stand by your work. He is now trying to convince the authorities to let him go to back to Aruba to show the world where Natalee is. I guess the idea of spending the rest of his life in a Peruvian prison wasn't that appealing. Or maybe he thinks, he can use some connections and escape once he gets to Aruba. Which would be interesting, we haven't had a good manhunt since Bucky Phillips! Oh Bucky, you were the best BP.

We miss you Bucky,
Scott

Even in death it sucks to be Gary Coleman

Dear Reader,

Well it been a busy couple of days in the world of celebrity deaths. Which, as you know, is one of my favorite things!

First I would like to talk about Bret Michaels. He didn't die. It was the worst case of celebrity death blue balls ever! First he was rushed to the hospital near the end of April for severe headaches. He was in critical condition, maybe he would slip into a coma. Then VH1 can launch a new dating show: Who Wants to Date a Vegetable with Bret Michaels. How awesome would that show be? VERY AWESOME is the answer. Just imagine a bunch of trashy skanks grinding and getting drunk over his body. They can all fight to change his catheter! I would watch that in a second. Then once he ate the big one VH1 can have Rock of Love marathons! This would be the best thing ever! Sadly none of the happened. He recovered and is doing fine, he even won Celebrity Apprentice. Side note he wore his bandanna in the hospital because he "Wanted to go out rocking." Bullshit! You are a douche who is afraid the world will know that you are a balding sad caricature of your former self.

So that was upsetting, but then May 28th came along and Gary Coleman finally had all of his dreams come true. He died, which he has wanted ever since Diff'rent Strokes got cancelled. One could say that Gary gave life the old Cleveland Try. Finally people would care about him again, the jokes would stop! Unfortunately, he didn't die of a stoke. It would be a different stroke indeed! It was really inconsiderate of him, now Avenue Q has to change their show around to get rid of the Gary Coleman character. Maybe they can use Emmanuel Lewis instead. Now people will spend a couple of days saying good things about him. Not is Dennis Hopper has anything to say about it.

That's right the next day Dennis Hopper goes quietly into the good night. Now a dead there was a dead person people actually cared about. Well there goes my hopes for a Waterworld sequel. Waterworld 2: The Return of the Deacon! At least we can look forward to a Speed, Super Mario Bros, and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 triple feature and your local drive in movie. Maybe when Gary and Dennis meet up int he sideways/purgatory world in Lost and Dennis can give Gary a quick kick to the junk as one last dig. Oh yea if you didn't see the finale of Lost, that's how it ends. Lots of junk punches. Mostly to the loyal fans. What a shitty way to end the show.

Glad I am not G. Coleman,
Scott

The most depressing song ever

Dear Reader,

To keep this blog's long tradition of posting variations of the song "We Are the World" I present you this:


EMBED-We Are Lebron Video - Watch more free videos

You should probably watch that again. I'll wait.

Cleveland is, hands down, the most miserable place in America. Only two good things (LeBreazy excluded) have ever come out of The Mistake by the Lake:

1. Drew Carey
2. Jokes about Cleveland

Despite his lackluster performance as the host of the Price is Right, Mr. Carey is a solid comedian/actor. The Drew Carey show was AMAZING! Aside form LeBron, Drew is easily the biggest thing to ever come out of the land of Cleve. It's weird that he isn't int he song, I guess they didn't want a big name. They gave it the old Cleveland Try. This will be a new phrase to refer to someone not giving it all they can, and just failing terribly. See also: The city of Cleveland.

When LeBron leaves you will get to hear the collective suicide of an entire city. It will be a pretty epic event. He is literally the only thing holding the place together. To give an example, let's take a look at Braylon Edwards. He used to be a wide receiver for the Cleveland Browns. He got in a fight with a friend of LeBron James, and roughly the next day he was traded to the Jets.

I love the "celebrities" they have in the video as well. Otto Orf, Cleveland Soccer Legend, does such a title actually exist?! Tim Misny, Intimidating TV Lawyer, that is awesome!

I really hope LeBrogame leaves Cleveland, I think it will be interesting to see what he can do with a real team. I also hope he doesn't go to the Knicks. I hate the Knicks, fuck them. They can be summed up by Erika Lauren, WMMS Personality/ MTV's Real World contestant, "New York is overcrowded, Those people are unbearable, And don't forget, the Knicks and Nets are terrible." Mostly true, Lauren. The Nets play in the greatest state of all, New Jersey, not New York. Otherwise dead on.

I hope the attempts to get LeBron to stay get more sad and desperate, because looking at Cleveland just makes you feel better about yourself.

Glad to not be there,
Scott

Welcome back

Dear Reader,

I'm sorry it took so long for me to write to you again. I will do my best to not have these delays in the future. Since it's been a while I will just shoot off a few small items of interest.

Step aside Double Bacon, we have a new football rapist! That's right New Jersey Giants' legend Lawrence Taylor allegedly raped a 16-year-old! Not only that but he paid her so that's a double whammy! This may put a damper on his young acting career. I have a feeling Joe Theismann set all this up. He finally got his revenge! SUCK ON IT LT!

A fired Port Authority lieutenant won his appeal! What was he fired for? Well, he was looking at porn at work, and he stole $4,400 from the company. He claimed that his actions were due to post-traumatic stress disorder, and the courts let him resign. Now he gets a fatty pension! How awesome is that?! It's good to know that if you ever get caught watching porn at work, everything will be OK!

Tim Tebow's jersey was the top selling NFL jersey in April. That is horse shit! (haha horse shit, and he plays for the Broncos) No one knows how he will do as a pro. He is a back up right now. And he is also an incredible douche! God doesn't love you Tim, that's why you lost the 2009 SEC Championship and cried like the smoten residents of Sodom and Gomorrah. I disagree with the Superbowl commercial Tim and his mom were in. If anything, he is a walking advertisement for abortion.

It's good to be back,
Scott

You are being rewarded with a delay

Dear Reader,

Lucky day for you! I will be gone for a week! Not that I write to you often, but it will be less often for a week. To ease your worries I will give you some links that you can waste your time with:

Laser Tits: Holy shit! this website has everything. From now on everything will be defined as "tits that shoot lasers." In a perfect world, every picture of a lady will have lasers shooting out of their tits.

Michael Buble Being Stalked By A Velociraptor: These pictures are not photoshopped. He is really being stalked by a raptor. What a lucky schmuck! I would love to be stalked by a dinosaur, of any kind! DINOSAURS ARE FUCKING AWESOME! I hope the raptor catches Buble.

My First Dictionary: Another very informative website. This is how I learn all of the big and fancy words on this blog.

That's all for now. I hope these sites work well in keeping you unproductive at work.

I'll talk to you in a week,
Scott

If at first you get away with alleged rape, try try again

Dear Reader,

If you have been paying attention to the latest rumor and gossip from Pittsburgh, which I attempt to do, then I'm sure you've heard about the latest activities of The Pittsburgh (football) Steelers' quarterback, Ben (Double Bacon) Roethlisberger with cheese. In case you have not been kept abreast of the really smart things he's done with his life, I shall let you know.

So back in 2004 when he was given the starting QB role for the Steelers he led them to 13 consecutive wins. He was supposed to be the number 3 guy but was lucky that both Charlie Batch and Tommy Maddox got JACKED UP int he beginning of the season. Not so bad. The next year he led them to a Superbowl victory. Did I mention that he loves riding his motorcycle without a helmet? I'm sure I did. He was so proud of this aspect of his life. Legendary Steelers' quartersnatch, Terry Bradshaw, gave Big Beezy some sage wisdom. "You are not Superman, wear a helmet, stop being a tool." Or something like that. Ben thought he was Superman and kept riding sans protective head gear. I guess he forgot that a horse was able to take down the Man O' Steel, so it was real easy for the car-bike combo to take out this generations Clark Kent.

That's right he drove into a car. On his motorcycle. Without a helmet. AND HE LIVES! Not only that but he recovers and goes on to perform in a lackluster fashion for the next season. Way to go champ, now you'll never learn your lesson. The next couple of years are pretty uneventful for our hero, until 2008.

He wins another Superbowl! Looks like things are finally turning around for Double Bacon, oh wait... What was that? Oh it would seem that Ben allegedly raped a woman in a Lake Tahoe hotel room. No charges were filed, no evidence was collected. Apparently, she even bragged to her co-workers for bedding the last son of Krypton. So this is good, she seems like she is trying to take advantage of his celebrity and his $100 million ten year deal.

Now a normal person would take this moment and think, "You know, the last time I banged out a groupie, it kind of backfired on me. Maybe I will slow my roll a little bit, and take some extra precautions the next time I want a piece of ass." I would have gotten this tattooed on my junk as a constant reminder. So that's it story's over.

Just kidding! On March 5th 2010 Large Benji allegedly sexually assaulted a broad in a restroom in a club. He has not been charged for anything in this case either. Buy really, Ben, have you learned nothing? Also the more rape allegation you have against you the more they seem to be true, if they are or aren't. Now I am a Steelers fan, and he is just not the type of guy I want leading a team I love. A leader knows to stop allegedly raping chicks. if you have to, you have two options:

1. Be honest like when Ricky Williams said he loves smoking weed. Just say, "I just love raping bitches, my b."
2. Take my advice for Tiger Woods about what he should have done with his harem.

Remember always have your sexual conquests fill out a consent form,
Scott

Baseball can hardly even be considered a sport

Dear Reader,

Unfortunately, it has come to my attention that baseball season is once again in full effect. I can't think of a bigger waste of time than baseball. Basically you are watching a bunch of douche-bags stand around, while two people play catch via an intermediary. Sometimes someone runs.

Another problem with baseball is that the season is 162 games long. Let me write that down with words so it looks longer. The season is one hundred sixty two games long. Hot damn! That is unnecessary! Is there really a need for that many games to prove how good the teams are? No. Football does this in 16 games. Football is obviously ten times as efficient as baseball. I did some research and I found that the fewest games won by a team, in one season, was 20 by the Cleveland Spiders in 1899 (how awesome is it that even back then Cleveland sucked? Pretty awesome). Also the fewest games lost by a team, in one season was 36 by the Chicago Cubs in 1906. Why am I mentioning these two stats? They indicate that the baseball season should be 56 games shorter. Every team is expected to have at least 20 wins and 36 losses, so they don't even need to play those games.

Did you see that? I just made baseball more productive.

When I am in a position where I am watching baseball, (I try to avoid this as much as possible. (People who know me also try to avoid me watching baseball with them as much as possible as well.)) I almost always root for the home team to be up by the start of the bottom of the 9th inning. This way the game is a half inning shorter. If for whatever terrible reason the home team can't accomplish this, i will then root for the away team, since the home team let me down. The two special cases where this is not the case are Red Sox and Yankees games. I will always root against both of those teams (mainly because they have, hands down, the most obnoxious fan bases). If the Red Sox are playing the Yankees, then I will root against the Yankees. The Yankees are easily my least favorite aspect of my least favorite activity.

What kind of sissy men are baseball players if they can't play in the rain? Its rain! You want to play outside, deal with the weather. Grow a pair.

I would write more on this subject, but it's just going to make me upset. Fuck baseball. I hope everyone associated with the game gets a new strain of syphilis that can only be cured by getting vertically sawed in half.

The only good thing about baseball is the movie A League of Their Own. By the way Dottie DID NOT drop the ball on purpose. I will go more into that in a later entry. I must devote my full attention to the subject.

Can't wait for a real sport to start,
Scott

Good Friday gift idea

Dear Reader,

I assume you have either played (or at least heard of) the God of War series of video games. If, for some reason, you haven't, I will briefly explain it. You are this dude (Kratos), and Ares (the Greek god of war) tricks you into killing your wife and child. So naturally you take the prudent approach, and kill the god of war. After that, Zeus does you wrong so you kill just about every Greek god you can find. It is a wonderfully violent and graphic game. The question is this. Now that the Greek gods are dead, where do we go from here? Luckily, I have a solution.

Make the game about the Old and New Testaments! Now we are trying to kill the Judeo-Christian god. This will mostly be an Old Testament game, since that god was way more bad ass. He is an easy antagonist, with all the torture, genocides (both ordered and done), and rapes (also ordered). Really he is not a lovable character. Which I think I epitomized in the story of Job. Job will be the protagonist.

In case you were unaware of the story of Job, I shall again drop some knowledge. Job is a successful guy with seven children, and he loves god. So Satan and god are hanging out and bullshitting, and Satan mentions that Job only loves god because he is a success. So to prove that that is not the case god tells Satan to take it all away from Job. So Satan has Jobs business ruined and his children are crushed to death. Job still loves god. So he is rewarded by being covered in boils. He then asks why this has happened. God basically comes down, and says "Listen kid, I do what I want. No one questions me!" He later cures Job of his boils and he is a success again with seven new kids, and job is happy. This is where my game will be different. Job becomes my games Kratos and vows revenge. As you can see this won't be very different from God of War, just different characters. Also the chronology of the game will not be the same as the Testaments, but that is just so we can have a story.

Now on to the game!

In the beginning Job will get revenge on god by killing his son, Jesus. He will have to battle through apostles and Roman soldiers to get to Jesus. It will end with job crucifying the J man. Like the Bible, in three days Jesus will come back to life, but he will essentially be a Patient Zero for a hoard of zombies. That's right this game has zombies! The zombies will be all over the old world to try and stop Job.

Now all of the biblical figures will be pissed. So they will do all they can to stop you. I don't really have a clear vision of how these will all connect so I will just give a synopsis of the various bosses and levels and things of that nature:

David and Goliath: You will fight both of these enemies, as well as their armies. Naturally you will first kill David and take his slingshot, from his cold dead hands! You will then need to use the slingshot to kill Goliath. No real surprises here.

Moses: Welcome to Egypt. You will fight Egyptians, Hebrew slaves, and of course zombies. Also as a nice twist you will have to make it through the ten plagues. To defeat the angel of death (the tenth plague) you will have to slaughter some sheep and cover yourself in sheep blood. Angels of death notoriously fear sheep blood. Getting the angel of death in the sheep blood should take care of him. Now on to that pesky Moses! In defeating him you will hit him with his commandment tablets, and throw him in to the burning bush.

Noah: Time for a high seas adventure! You will have to take care of the arc's crew and some animals. To defeat Noah, I would suggest feeding him to some ferocious animals lions or bears or some shit like that. After this you jump overboard into the seas, but...

Jonah: ...you are eaten by a massive whale! Jonah's whale to be exact. You can now fight your way through various sea critters to get to Jonah. Nothing really epic there, but I like the idea of having to force yourself out of the whale's stomach.

Zombie Jesus: You didn't think that he would just get to keep being a zombie like that did you? I would saying that you would crucify him again, but I would think his body would fall apart, so we will have to think of some other way to off him again.

God: Now for the epic final battle! I think it would be funny if you killed him with talk of a heliocentric solar system, and evolution. However, that would be a lame game.

After god is dead you get an ending movie of life after his reign. People are more peaceful and technologically advanced. Oh what a world!

Now I just need a name for this. I was thinking "Take This Job and Shove It."

Peace be with you,
Scott

Vultures are really smart

Dear Reader,

As you can see in this link vultures have taken up residence in a retirement community in Texas. This is awesome. It is an ingenious way for the vultures to get to their food early. Early vulture gets the corpse, I always say. Really I say it all the time. Its about time it was relevant.

The best part about the above video is that homegirl is confused about why they are there in the first place. They are there to feed! They can smell death. Or at least they can clearly smell imminent death. Evolution is a nifty thing!

I also really enjoy their solution. Air horns. Now a future conversation can go like this:
"THIS IS SO MUCH NICER THAN WHEN THE VULTURES WERE HERE!"
"WHAT?!"
"THE VULTURES! IT'S SO MUCH NICER NOW THAT THEY'RE GONE!"
"YOUR EARS ARE BLEEDING!"
"WHAT?!"

A better solution would be to have more younger folks move in. The smell of youthful vitality will be distasteful to the vultures. Plus it will be a bit quieter than the air horns, if you can ignore the loud hip hop blaring from the boom boxes that the kids are so fond of these days.

Enjoy your youth,
Scott

Some clerical updates

Dear Reader,

Not much to say today, just some quick notes. As you can see off to the right, you can now both follow me on Twitter and email me. Feel free to do either. I was debating on joining Faceload, but I really hate the Faceloads, so that won't be happening just yet. I am also not the biggest Twitter fan, but it seems like the best marketing strategy available right now. I shall return later with more ramblings.

Farewell,
Scott

Move over Tupac

Dear Reader,

I wanted to do a Michael Jackson post when he died because I love when celebrities die, especially when they have allegedly done something bad (like molest little boys). Sadly I did not have this blog to write about MJ, so I had to wait for some news. Luckily it was reported that Jackson's estate was signed to a ten album record deal fro $250 million. Hooly shit! Hooly?

So now Mr. Shakur won't be the only dead guy releasing new music every year. Is this deal even necessary? Michael has been replaced.

If we need a musician to walk around in a mask for no reason we can always look to that crazy bitch Lady Gaga. It's really cheating to say you have a great Poker Face when you wear masks all the time (have some respect for the game Ms. Gaga)

If we want someone who looks like a terrifying character in a Tim Burton stop motion animated movie we can look at Amy Winehouse. Well we can't look at her for long, because really she has to be eating it in the near future (also if you look at her for too long your eyes melt away, true story).

If we need someone to look at to show us how cosmetic surgery has gone wrong, we have Janice Dickinson. You can literally hit her i the face with a shovel and nothing would happen.

Most importantly, who the douche would buy a new MJ album? He hasn't out out a good song since 1995. Did anyone buy Invincible? I didn't hear a yes. His latest single, the appropriately titled "This Is It" was terrible.

Aside from a bed time story to scare children Michael Jackson is completely irrelevant. However he died, so now we all have to care about it again and pretend that as his face deteriorated so did his music. How cool would it have been if they hooked him up to a marionette system and reenacted the video for "Thriller" at his funeral. That would have been sweet.

My condolences,

Scott

Avatar is an overrated piece of crap

Dear Reader,

As you can see by the title of this post, I think Avatar is wonderful! Well unless you are looking for a good movie. If the quality of a film was based entirely on graphics and special effects, then yes, Avatar is one of the greatest movies ever made. It is visually stunning. However all praise ends there.

It took James Cameron ten years to make this movie. Let's read that again, together this time. It took James Cameron ten years to make this movie. TEN YEARS! That is an entire decade to develop characters, write a story, and work your effects magic. Have you seen Disney's Pocahontas and/or Dances with Wolves? The you've seen Avatar. In ten fucking years one would think you could come up with a movie that wasn't a complete rip off of AT LEAST two other movies. I really wouldn't care that this movie is completely unoriginal, if it wasn't nominated for a best picture awards and it didn't take 120 months to make. I am looking at Wikipedia right now and it says that James wrote an 80 page scriptment for Avatar in 1994. So it actually took him fifteen years to take this massive shit. What an asshole!

His excuse is that he spent so much time creating the planet of Pandora and its rich history, its new language, and all the pretty graphics. I could see where the actual plot could get int he way of all of the superficial nonsense.

In case you haven't seen the movie let me just say this. The people like creatures in the movie have four appendages. The animal like creatures have six appendages. This may seem like its not a big deal, but it is a huge deal. It defies all rules of evolution and natural selection. First of all, evolution is real, anyone who says otherwise should just sit down and be quiet forever. All higher forms of animal life on Earth evolved from a four legged animal, that is why mammals, reptiles, amphibians, and birds all have four appendages. It doesn't make any sense that these rules would be different on James Cameron's douche bag planet. The blue folks there should have an extra set of arms or legs. This fact bothered me after seeing the first six legged thing. Then it was a nagging annoyance for the rest of the three hour film.

This fucking thing better not win an Oscar for best picture. Go see District 9 it was a far more superior alien movie. If you haven't seen Avatar by the time its out of the theatres don't even bother. It will suck out loud on your two dimensional smaller than an IMAX TV.

See you at the movies,

Scott

Oh, so it's not just a clever name.

Dear Reader,

As I'm sure you are aware, a killer whale killed its trainer the other day. It's about time things started living up to their titles.

Here are some things that are not what their name suggests:

First we have the "Great" Lakes. They are maybe mediocre at best. I mean how great can they be? They border Minnesota, Wisconsin, Illinois, Indiana, Michigan, Ohio, Pennsylvania, New York, and Canada. What a waste of land! Who even cares about Ohio? Maybe three people, ever. I know what you're thinking. "But Scott, New York is super keen!" Aside from Ithaca, New York is an overrated thing near New Jersey.

Now we have pie. This is hardly 3.14159265358979323846264338327950288419716939937510582097494459230781640628620899862803482534211706798214808651328230664709384460955058223172535940812848111745028410270193852110555964462294895493038196442881097566593344612847564823378678316527120190914564856692346034861045432664821339360726024914127372458700660631558817488152092096282925409171536436789259036001133053054882046652138414695194151160943305727036575959195309218611738193261179310511854807446237996274956735188575272489122793818301194912... How is a delicious pastry supposed to help me find the circumference of a circle? it won't!

And now we have Krazy Glue. Let me just say that this is not nearly as krazy as advertised. It should be called frustrating liquid that makes you stick your fingers to things. Which isn't being crazy, its being a douche. it should be called douche glue... that would probably be painful.

Finally, an Orca (or how you, Reader, call them, a Killer Whale). And now we can think of them as real killers, of people. Not killers of souls, like the whale in Free Willy. Imagine how much better that movie would have been if Willy was just mauling and drowning everyone!

If I were to get mauled and drowned to death by a killer whale, I want my tombstone to say: Scott, He died the way he lived.

Shamu got nothing on Tilikum,

Scott

Obligatory Tiger Woods Blog Post

Dear Reader,

Remember when Tiger Woods was known for being a golfer? Those were the days. Fortunately now, he is much more interesting. You may be asking yourself "What could Tiger have done, to not get himself into this mess?" That is a great question, Reader, and I will gladly answer it.

Tiger Woods had roughly fourteen mistresses, hot damn! That's a lot of tang on the side! That was his first mistake. He let them live to tell the tale. What he should have done was to just "take care" of them, after he had his way with them. Now hear me out. One of these ladies was a VH1 Reality star reject. The world would not have missed her. Also, who would believe rumors that Tiger is a serial killer? No one! And just think how much more intimidating he would have been as an athlete! OJ would have nothing on T Dub!

So that would have solved Tiger's issues. As we know that did not happen. I am mildly disappointed in Elin (his wife for those who only know her as Tiger's wife). She should have raked in the sponsorship dollars from golf club companies after busting Tiger's windows. I don't own golf clubs, but if some angry blond brandishing one told me to buy her brand, I would.

Basically what I am trying to say, is that I figured a lot of folks would be looking up Tiger Woods on Google today, since he is giving his "big speech" (more on that later); and I wanted to capitalize on that and get at least two hits to this little website.

The speech you say? Yes as you know Tiger is giving a five minute speech today at 11 AM EST, to explain is "transgressions." If I ran his PR campaign, I would tell him to announce he is gay. Think about it. Now America loves him again. Why did he sleep with all those broads? He only did so to maintain his "man's man" image. He didn't want to society made him. Plus, now it would look like his wife is the jerk. "She went after her husband with a golf club because he's gay," people would say. Now he is a victim.

I am not saying he is gay, I'm just saying he should say that he is.

Stick with me T Dub, and you will go far.

Your welcome,
Scott

Poor Haiti

Dear Reader,

Have you seen the new version of We Are The World? It looks something like this:

Now I think I speak for the world at large when I say that this is song is the worst thing to ever happen to Haiti. Remember back in the day when We Are The World was a great song? I do. It is one of the best songs to sing for karaoke. Nothing angers a crowd like seven minutes of a chorus, sung by someone who couldn't carry a tune even if it was in a paper bag (me).

But I digress. We Are The World was a great song, sung by legendary singers. Now we have this shit. With Fergie, Akon, and Lil Wayne. Really?! (While we're on the subject, remember when Juvenile was more relevant than Lil Wayne?) And what the hell was with the rap break down? And why is Kanye in there? He is a douche!

Please donate whatever you can to the many Haiti relief funds out there. What ever you can give will help to reverse the damage this song has done. Buildings can be rebuilt, but this song will be around forever.

Over and Out,

Scott

And so it begins...

Dear Reader,

Hi there. So I decided to create a blog. Here is the aforementioned blog.

If you are on the internet, because you want porn, then I am sorry. This isn't porn. Well not yet at least. Or is it? Nope.

Since I have established what this blog isn't, we just need to figure out what it is. I have no idea what it is. I have no direction for this, I am open to suggestions. For now I will just write whatever comes to mind, and hope something good comes of this. I also hope to one day get and learn how to use photoshop, so this blog is more than just my stupid thoughts.

Bye forever,

Scott