Dear Reader,
So the other day, America's sweetheart went to prison. That's right Miss Parent Trap herself, Lindsay Lohan, is in the slammer! If you keep getting caught with cocaine, drive drunk, spend frequent time in rehab, and drive with a suspended licensee, then this is bound to happen. Is anyone surprised? Well I thought she would be dead by now, so I guess that's shocking.
She is just another example of why you should never let your children act. Child stars frequently end up like this. It's science! Children need to be kids, acting in movies throws them in a world that they really cannot handle. There is way too much drugs, sex, and money for a kiddo to deal with. I mean why would you want to play with Cabbage Patch Kids when you can fuck hookers and do lines of blow? Hookers and blow always wins. Always. To solve this problem I suggest that we do without child actors all together. From now on all children will be played by midgets. Or normal folks with a boat load of CGI. Nah midgets are a better route. I mean children are usually the worst part of every movie ever. How many action movies are ruined because the kid lives? ALL OF THEM!
Back to Loheeze, her best role was Cady in Mean Girls. That movie was the cat's pajamas! Why do you keep letting your cat wear pajamas? That's just silly. Anyway, if you have yet to see Mean Girls do yourself a favor and watch it. I'll wait here. haha gap tooth, great flick! Good now that you have seen the best of Lindy Hop, you don't need to see anything else.
Shortly after MG Ms. Lohan decided to hang with Paris Hilton and Co. Real winners! She was out getting wasted and pounded and having the time of her life. Now I have no problem with that. Do what ever the shit you want, just don't get upset when people start showing pictures of your junk hanging out when you get in and out of cars.
The best moment of this era of the Loholic was her romp with Brandon Davis. He is famous for banging celebrity train wrecks (everyone needs a hobby). One night he was hanging out with P-Hilton and got a chance to wax poetic with TMZ. In his rant he said, "Lindsay Lohan is a firecrotch, she has freckles coming out of her vagina, and her clitoris is seven feet long." Holy shit! How do freckles come out of there?! Maybe she should be in a circus not in movies. Well not mainstream movies. I don't even think it's possible to shoot freckles out of your twat. Neither freckles nor the female reproductive system work like that.
Now back to where we started. Linzal is going to jail. One more quick tangent, if you don't mind. When you go to court to have a judge decide on how much freedom you will be getting in the near future, you want to look your best. You get your hair did, and you nails made all pretty. I know that's what I do. Well Lohoosky had "Fuck U" written on the nail of her middle finger. Nothing says, "Hey judge don't fuck my life up," like a big "Fuck U." If you think about it, writing "Fuck U" there is redundant. Isn't that why we have middle fingers? I guess it saves you valuable time and energy when you don't have to retract your other four fingers (not to mention you still have to extend the one that counts!).
Needless to say, Home Slice was sentenced to ninety days in the big house. Great news! Now we have some questions about her future:
-Will she join a gang? (Please Latin Kings!)
-Will she commit suicide?
-Will she suffer from death by shanking?
-Will she turn her life around?
-Will she convince a kind, wise inmate to meet her in Zihuatanejo upon their release?
SO MANY POSSIBILITIES!
There are reports that LiLo is getting some special treatment. She gets her own phone, a personal guard, a TV, Adderall, Ambien, and clean clothes. What an outrage! She should have to smuggle all that shit up her asshole like everyone else! How will she learn to better herself now? The system has failed us once again.
Someone send her a cake with a file in it,
Scott
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
You're outta here!
Dear Reader,
A third one of these in a week?! Holy shit, it looks like I finally got ambitious. Don't get all excited yet, odds are this won't last long. Unfortunately for you a special someone died today. That's right George Steinbrenner ate the big eat today. If this is the first you've heard about this, then you really need to get your news from anywhere else.
That's right the owner of the Yankees is gone! Maybe now the Yankees will fall apart as well. Maybe Georgie can Chris Henry the Yankees, and they will lose tragically for the rest of the season! That is a world I want to live in. Then maybe this country can just give up its sad love affair with baseball. Then we can get a real sport in here, like curling. As you are well aware, I hate baseball. The Yankees are the worst part about this social abortion known as baseball.
I am also happy that an ancillary character, based on a real person, from Seinfeld is gone. You're next soup Nazi! Speaking of terrible things, Seinfeld was an awful show. I know everyone loves it, but it is one of the worst shows ever made. I know, I know, I should give it a chance. Well I have, I've had the displeasure of watching most of the series. It used to be on between Simpsons re-runs and I was too lazy to change the channel. The show isn't about nothing. It's abut four of the most unlikeable characters and their unlikable lives. When I see that show, I just want everyone to fail and/or die. An Odd Couple remake with Osama bin Laden and Adolf Hitler would have more sympathetic characters!
Steinny was a liar. Here is what he said after purchasing the Yankees in 1973, "We plan absentee ownership as far as running the Yankees is concerned." Really? You sure there? He was one of the most hands on owners ever. Like a more successful Al Davis (more on Al later!). Also he made all of the players to be clean-shaven and short hair. That is just a douche move. Let them grow beards and long hair. They play a game for a living, they aren't saving lives or doing anything important.
Well now that Steinbrenner is gone, maybe some other owners will follow his lead. Here is a short list of which owners should end it now.
1. Dan Gilbert (owner of the Cleveland Cavaliers) - He will probably just commit suicide, he has had a bad summer. He lost LeBron, and he's in Cleveland. He has nothing to live for. He just made the Browns, the best sports team in Cleveland.
2. Jerry Jones (owner of the Dallas Cowboys) - Just shut the fuck up Jerry. Stop trying to destroy football. He doesn't need the biggest stadium ever built. The salary cap and profit sharing are great things for the sport. Everyone hates the Yankees, and he is like a little 'brenner. Also why the shit what he on Entourage on Sunday? That was awful, just get drunk and bad mouth Bill Parcells again. Then die.
3. Al Davis (owner of the Oakland Raiders (told you I would get to him later (later is now by the way))) - Al Davis has done everything in his power to destroy the Raiders. It is really impressive, if you think about it. Just stop being an owner, gm, and play caller for your team. Also how could we forget the JaMarcus Russell experiment. To help explain the experiment. Imagine Al Davis is making the atomic bomb, and the Raiders are Hiroshima. Have you seen Mr. Davis recently? There are burn victims who are better looking! He is like a bizarre Dorian Gray painting. Whatever he does, to the Raiders, is represented on his face. I think if he looks into a mirror, if he has one, his reflection should do the trick in ending his tyranny.
At least one Yankee is gone,
Scott
A third one of these in a week?! Holy shit, it looks like I finally got ambitious. Don't get all excited yet, odds are this won't last long. Unfortunately for you a special someone died today. That's right George Steinbrenner ate the big eat today. If this is the first you've heard about this, then you really need to get your news from anywhere else.
That's right the owner of the Yankees is gone! Maybe now the Yankees will fall apart as well. Maybe Georgie can Chris Henry the Yankees, and they will lose tragically for the rest of the season! That is a world I want to live in. Then maybe this country can just give up its sad love affair with baseball. Then we can get a real sport in here, like curling. As you are well aware, I hate baseball. The Yankees are the worst part about this social abortion known as baseball.
I am also happy that an ancillary character, based on a real person, from Seinfeld is gone. You're next soup Nazi! Speaking of terrible things, Seinfeld was an awful show. I know everyone loves it, but it is one of the worst shows ever made. I know, I know, I should give it a chance. Well I have, I've had the displeasure of watching most of the series. It used to be on between Simpsons re-runs and I was too lazy to change the channel. The show isn't about nothing. It's abut four of the most unlikeable characters and their unlikable lives. When I see that show, I just want everyone to fail and/or die. An Odd Couple remake with Osama bin Laden and Adolf Hitler would have more sympathetic characters!
Steinny was a liar. Here is what he said after purchasing the Yankees in 1973, "We plan absentee ownership as far as running the Yankees is concerned." Really? You sure there? He was one of the most hands on owners ever. Like a more successful Al Davis (more on Al later!). Also he made all of the players to be clean-shaven and short hair. That is just a douche move. Let them grow beards and long hair. They play a game for a living, they aren't saving lives or doing anything important.
Well now that Steinbrenner is gone, maybe some other owners will follow his lead. Here is a short list of which owners should end it now.
1. Dan Gilbert (owner of the Cleveland Cavaliers) - He will probably just commit suicide, he has had a bad summer. He lost LeBron, and he's in Cleveland. He has nothing to live for. He just made the Browns, the best sports team in Cleveland.
2. Jerry Jones (owner of the Dallas Cowboys) - Just shut the fuck up Jerry. Stop trying to destroy football. He doesn't need the biggest stadium ever built. The salary cap and profit sharing are great things for the sport. Everyone hates the Yankees, and he is like a little 'brenner. Also why the shit what he on Entourage on Sunday? That was awful, just get drunk and bad mouth Bill Parcells again. Then die.
3. Al Davis (owner of the Oakland Raiders (told you I would get to him later (later is now by the way))) - Al Davis has done everything in his power to destroy the Raiders. It is really impressive, if you think about it. Just stop being an owner, gm, and play caller for your team. Also how could we forget the JaMarcus Russell experiment. To help explain the experiment. Imagine Al Davis is making the atomic bomb, and the Raiders are Hiroshima. Have you seen Mr. Davis recently? There are burn victims who are better looking! He is like a bizarre Dorian Gray painting. Whatever he does, to the Raiders, is represented on his face. I think if he looks into a mirror, if he has one, his reflection should do the trick in ending his tyranny.
At least one Yankee is gone,
Scott
Monday, July 12, 2010
Happy 12th of July!
Dear Reader,
As you know I was betrayed by some asshole, and I wasn't Internetting on the Fourth of July. So I was unable to update you on the greatest sporting event of the year, the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest. The NHDEC is he best way to celebrate the birth of our nation (for the international reader I mean my nation not yours)! It is the greatest thing on television, aside from Shark Week.
Holy shit Shark Week starts in less than a month! August 1st! GET EXCITED!
When did this magnificent event start? Why would I want to watch a bunch of fat guys eat? Who won? Stop asking questions! At least give me a chance to answer.
This annual sporting event started on July 4th, 1916 in Coney Island. Four immigrants wanted to see who can eat the most Nathan's Hot dogs to prove who was the most patriotic. As a side note, that is the only way I will now accept your love of this country. You can shove those little Post 911 American flag pins up your ass. If you are not gorging yourself on Nathan's dogs, fuck Hebrew National, this is America!
Where was I? Oh yes 1916. James Mullen won. What a hero! Even though you didn't ask, I will tell you how to get into the contest, you're welcome. The quickest way is if you are the defending champion, so work on that. I think you may need one of these other entry points. You could win a qualifying contest for the current season. If you fail to win a qualifier, you can be one of the two wild cards by having the highest average score without winning the qualifier. If you are still a disgrace and a failure you can get in by being invited by the IFOCE (International Federation of Competitive Eating). Oh you also have to be a member of the federation, so you have to do that first. GOOD LUCK!
Back to your questions! They are not all fat. Why would you assume that? In fact some of the best athletes are rather trim. You have to do a lot of exercise to be able to eat that much and live. To say they are not athletes is disrespectful, and you probably said that because your jealous. Also they aren't all guys! That's sexist, some chicks are professional gurgitators. Sonya "The Black Widow" Thomas and Juliet Lee are two women than come to mind. Both of these ladies are quite skinny, so that blows your initial assumptions right out of the water. Why do you keep your assumptions in the water anyway? That seems silly.
Now your last question. For the years of 2001 to 2006 Takeru Kobayashi was unbeatable. He was easily the greatest athlete of that era. He had a strangle hold on the contest. It was a dark time for America, him being Japanese and all. He was the best villain in sports, better than A-Rod, LeBron, and the Iceland Hockey Team in the Junior Goodwill Games in Mighty Ducks 2 combined! In 2007, all that changed. Joey Chestnut beat Kobayashi! Every year since it has always been down to Chestnut and Kobayashi with record breaking results. Every year Joey won in dramatic fashion! Every year before this year. Takeru did not participate this year. He was in contract negotiations with MLE (Major League Eating (I know! Another competitive eating organization!)), so he could not play along. Because of his absence in the contest Joey won with no problem. No record was broken. The contest was missing something. We need Kobayashi. We need a bad guy. I always root for him. I know very unpatriotic of me, but, as you know, I have a soft spot for antagonists. He is good for the sport, he makes every play better.
TK was in attendance at the event. he tried to get on stage after the event, but was arrested. The crowd chanted "Let him eat!" Not letting him participate in America's pastime is shameful. I hope this does not happen next year.
Shark Week can't happen soon enough,
Scott
As you know I was betrayed by some asshole, and I wasn't Internetting on the Fourth of July. So I was unable to update you on the greatest sporting event of the year, the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest. The NHDEC is he best way to celebrate the birth of our nation (for the international reader I mean my nation not yours)! It is the greatest thing on television, aside from Shark Week.
Holy shit Shark Week starts in less than a month! August 1st! GET EXCITED!
When did this magnificent event start? Why would I want to watch a bunch of fat guys eat? Who won? Stop asking questions! At least give me a chance to answer.
This annual sporting event started on July 4th, 1916 in Coney Island. Four immigrants wanted to see who can eat the most Nathan's Hot dogs to prove who was the most patriotic. As a side note, that is the only way I will now accept your love of this country. You can shove those little Post 911 American flag pins up your ass. If you are not gorging yourself on Nathan's dogs, fuck Hebrew National, this is America!
Where was I? Oh yes 1916. James Mullen won. What a hero! Even though you didn't ask, I will tell you how to get into the contest, you're welcome. The quickest way is if you are the defending champion, so work on that. I think you may need one of these other entry points. You could win a qualifying contest for the current season. If you fail to win a qualifier, you can be one of the two wild cards by having the highest average score without winning the qualifier. If you are still a disgrace and a failure you can get in by being invited by the IFOCE (International Federation of Competitive Eating). Oh you also have to be a member of the federation, so you have to do that first. GOOD LUCK!
Back to your questions! They are not all fat. Why would you assume that? In fact some of the best athletes are rather trim. You have to do a lot of exercise to be able to eat that much and live. To say they are not athletes is disrespectful, and you probably said that because your jealous. Also they aren't all guys! That's sexist, some chicks are professional gurgitators. Sonya "The Black Widow" Thomas and Juliet Lee are two women than come to mind. Both of these ladies are quite skinny, so that blows your initial assumptions right out of the water. Why do you keep your assumptions in the water anyway? That seems silly.
Now your last question. For the years of 2001 to 2006 Takeru Kobayashi was unbeatable. He was easily the greatest athlete of that era. He had a strangle hold on the contest. It was a dark time for America, him being Japanese and all. He was the best villain in sports, better than A-Rod, LeBron, and the Iceland Hockey Team in the Junior Goodwill Games in Mighty Ducks 2 combined! In 2007, all that changed. Joey Chestnut beat Kobayashi! Every year since it has always been down to Chestnut and Kobayashi with record breaking results. Every year Joey won in dramatic fashion! Every year before this year. Takeru did not participate this year. He was in contract negotiations with MLE (Major League Eating (I know! Another competitive eating organization!)), so he could not play along. Because of his absence in the contest Joey won with no problem. No record was broken. The contest was missing something. We need Kobayashi. We need a bad guy. I always root for him. I know very unpatriotic of me, but, as you know, I have a soft spot for antagonists. He is good for the sport, he makes every play better.
TK was in attendance at the event. he tried to get on stage after the event, but was arrested. The crowd chanted "Let him eat!" Not letting him participate in America's pastime is shameful. I hope this does not happen next year.
Shark Week can't happen soon enough,
Scott
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Well, that was inconvenient
Dear Reader,
Sorry for the lack of updates. I made a mistake when I listened to Prince. You see a couple days ago The Artist Formally Known as the Artist Formally Known as Prince made the announcement that the Internet is completely over! Since TAFKATAFKAP and I are close friends I knew of his views a few weeks ago. That's why I have been aloof in the last month. So it turns out, I was lied to. The Internet is alive and well, as you can tell if you are reading this (which you are). If you somehow are not reading this then you have no idea what I just typed here. So this is the last time I believe someone who was once a symbol.
So since I have been neglecting my loyal reader I will do my best to update you and some recent newsings.
Apparently, Al Gore cheated on his wife Tipper with a masseuse four years ago. First of all I am not a fan of either Ally or Tip as people, so I'm already upset that I am writing about them. I hate Al because he is a fucking hypocrite. He makes a huge stink about the environment, which is warranted, but he doesn't follow his own cause. I agree that we need cleaner fuel and we need to do some right by our world. However I do not respect someone who bases their life on this, but then buys carbon credits so he can waste all the energy he wants. What an asshole. Now on to that bitch Tipper, she is the shit head who spearheaded the campaign to censor music. She is responsible for the parental advisory stickers on everything. Let people listen to whatever the fuck they want, stay out of our lives. Now back to the massage!
In 2006 Al hired this 56 year-old masseuse for a rub down. According to her, he made her drink Grand Marnier, and pinned her down, and kissed her like the french. Also, like good old Monica Lewinsky, he let lose some future children on the front of her pants. Like any reasonable person she didn't wash the pants, that's something you save for a special occasion! Now, I think something happened. Do I think he sexually assaulted her? No.
In her report she said "get off me, you lummox!" No one has used that word int he past 40 years. Her story is clearly in shambles on that line alone. Really? Also, during that encounter, she called him a "crazed sex poodle." First of that sounds a lot like flirting. These terms "lummox" and "sex poodle", don't really seem like the appropriate things to say whilst being raped. I have never been raped by an ex-vice president, maybe that is protocol. I don't know, it just seems a bit tame to me. She made a statement that she wasn't seeking money for any of this, she isn't a "gold digger." Unless you count the $1 million she is getting from the National Enquirer for the story.
To sum up my feelings on this. It pisses me off. I was very happy not imagining a naked Al Gore running around wagging his tongue, sweating profusely, fondling a middle aged woman, all while jizzing everywhere. It was just not a visual I needed. Basically, fuck you masseuse for giving me, and my reader that image.
That made me feel gross,
Scott
Sorry for the lack of updates. I made a mistake when I listened to Prince. You see a couple days ago The Artist Formally Known as the Artist Formally Known as Prince made the announcement that the Internet is completely over! Since TAFKATAFKAP and I are close friends I knew of his views a few weeks ago. That's why I have been aloof in the last month. So it turns out, I was lied to. The Internet is alive and well, as you can tell if you are reading this (which you are). If you somehow are not reading this then you have no idea what I just typed here. So this is the last time I believe someone who was once a symbol.
So since I have been neglecting my loyal reader I will do my best to update you and some recent newsings.
Apparently, Al Gore cheated on his wife Tipper with a masseuse four years ago. First of all I am not a fan of either Ally or Tip as people, so I'm already upset that I am writing about them. I hate Al because he is a fucking hypocrite. He makes a huge stink about the environment, which is warranted, but he doesn't follow his own cause. I agree that we need cleaner fuel and we need to do some right by our world. However I do not respect someone who bases their life on this, but then buys carbon credits so he can waste all the energy he wants. What an asshole. Now on to that bitch Tipper, she is the shit head who spearheaded the campaign to censor music. She is responsible for the parental advisory stickers on everything. Let people listen to whatever the fuck they want, stay out of our lives. Now back to the massage!
In 2006 Al hired this 56 year-old masseuse for a rub down. According to her, he made her drink Grand Marnier, and pinned her down, and kissed her like the french. Also, like good old Monica Lewinsky, he let lose some future children on the front of her pants. Like any reasonable person she didn't wash the pants, that's something you save for a special occasion! Now, I think something happened. Do I think he sexually assaulted her? No.
In her report she said "get off me, you lummox!" No one has used that word int he past 40 years. Her story is clearly in shambles on that line alone. Really? Also, during that encounter, she called him a "crazed sex poodle." First of that sounds a lot like flirting. These terms "lummox" and "sex poodle", don't really seem like the appropriate things to say whilst being raped. I have never been raped by an ex-vice president, maybe that is protocol. I don't know, it just seems a bit tame to me. She made a statement that she wasn't seeking money for any of this, she isn't a "gold digger." Unless you count the $1 million she is getting from the National Enquirer for the story.
To sum up my feelings on this. It pisses me off. I was very happy not imagining a naked Al Gore running around wagging his tongue, sweating profusely, fondling a middle aged woman, all while jizzing everywhere. It was just not a visual I needed. Basically, fuck you masseuse for giving me, and my reader that image.
That made me feel gross,
Scott
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