Thursday, June 17, 2010

Remember the good old days?

Dear Reader,

Today is a very special day. Sixteen years ago today O.J. Simpson went on an exciting 35 mph car chase from the L.A.P.D. What a historic event! People were glued to their video boxes just to watch and marvel at the most riveting bit of visual stimulation in history. It was so exciting that NBC didn't even air Game 5 of the NBA Finals. People would rather watch a bunch of cars going 35 mph than watch basketball. No wonder NASCAR is so popular.

So many questions were running through America's collective mind:
Did O.J. really kill Nicole and Ron?
Will O.J. commit suicide?
Do you think it was a bad idea to name my son Orenthal?
I can run faster than that; why can't the cops catch him?
Why can't they play this instead of basketball all the time?
Wasn't that solar eclipse dope on May 10th?

There is really nothing I can tell you, that you don't know about the Simpson trial and alleged murderings. Unless of course you are somehow reading this from the past. Which is just strange. How did you get the technology and scientific knowhow to read another internet blog before it was created? Also, with all of this power, why are you reading this stupid website? Anyway, while I have your attention, I warn you, do not watch Lost when it comes out in 2004 (spoiler alert: we don't all die at year 2000), it'll just make you upset when they destroy the show in the finale.

Back to Oh Jay, I may be one of the few people who was a fan. How could you hate anyone who was in the Naked Gun movies? You can't. Technically he was found innocent on the murder charges, so we can't call him a murderer. Not only that, but once he was found innocent, he never changed his story. Even when he wrote his book "If I Did It," he still claimed he did nothing. You have to respect someone who commits to the alleged lie. Sadly he was arrested and found guilty for robbery in 2007 and is serving thirty three years. A tragic end.

Which brings me to Joran Van Der Sloot. First of all Van Der Sloot sounds like an awesome Viking Metal band. Secondly, JVDS kind of looks like Bill Hader from SNL. Like The Juice, Mr. Der Sloot is suspected of murdering someone. This someone is Natalee Holloway, in Aruba, in 2005. Unlike The Big O, the small J did not learn his lesson. He murdered again. Never commit the crime you got away with again. That's just silly.

That's right reader, Joran killed a woman in Peru. He even admitted to it! At least he is becoming a more mature murderer, it's important to stand by your work. He is now trying to convince the authorities to let him go to back to Aruba to show the world where Natalee is. I guess the idea of spending the rest of his life in a Peruvian prison wasn't that appealing. Or maybe he thinks, he can use some connections and escape once he gets to Aruba. Which would be interesting, we haven't had a good manhunt since Bucky Phillips! Oh Bucky, you were the best BP.

We miss you Bucky,


  1. this blog is simply incredible... reading this from the past?!?!? just genius!!! i look forward to the next entry. The tangents you go on are amazing. keep up the good work

  2. I think Loyal Reader might have a little bit of a crush on you Scotty...