Thursday, July 8, 2010

Well, that was inconvenient

Dear Reader,

Sorry for the lack of updates. I made a mistake when I listened to Prince. You see a couple days ago The Artist Formally Known as the Artist Formally Known as Prince made the announcement that the Internet is completely over! Since TAFKATAFKAP and I are close friends I knew of his views a few weeks ago. That's why I have been aloof in the last month. So it turns out, I was lied to. The Internet is alive and well, as you can tell if you are reading this (which you are). If you somehow are not reading this then you have no idea what I just typed here. So this is the last time I believe someone who was once a symbol.

So since I have been neglecting my loyal reader I will do my best to update you and some recent newsings.

Apparently, Al Gore cheated on his wife Tipper with a masseuse four years ago. First of all I am not a fan of either Ally or Tip as people, so I'm already upset that I am writing about them. I hate Al because he is a fucking hypocrite. He makes a huge stink about the environment, which is warranted, but he doesn't follow his own cause. I agree that we need cleaner fuel and we need to do some right by our world. However I do not respect someone who bases their life on this, but then buys carbon credits so he can waste all the energy he wants. What an asshole. Now on to that bitch Tipper, she is the shit head who spearheaded the campaign to censor music. She is responsible for the parental advisory stickers on everything. Let people listen to whatever the fuck they want, stay out of our lives. Now back to the massage!

In 2006 Al hired this 56 year-old masseuse for a rub down. According to her, he made her drink Grand Marnier, and pinned her down, and kissed her like the french. Also, like good old Monica Lewinsky, he let lose some future children on the front of her pants. Like any reasonable person she didn't wash the pants, that's something you save for a special occasion! Now, I think something happened. Do I think he sexually assaulted her? No.

In her report she said "get off me, you lummox!" No one has used that word int he past 40 years. Her story is clearly in shambles on that line alone. Really? Also, during that encounter, she called him a "crazed sex poodle." First of that sounds a lot like flirting. These terms "lummox" and "sex poodle", don't really seem like the appropriate things to say whilst being raped. I have never been raped by an ex-vice president, maybe that is protocol. I don't know, it just seems a bit tame to me. She made a statement that she wasn't seeking money for any of this, she isn't a "gold digger." Unless you count the $1 million she is getting from the National Enquirer for the story.

To sum up my feelings on this. It pisses me off. I was very happy not imagining a naked Al Gore running around wagging his tongue, sweating profusely, fondling a middle aged woman, all while jizzing everywhere. It was just not a visual I needed. Basically, fuck you masseuse for giving me, and my reader that image.

That made me feel gross,


  1. I wonder what other words that are said mean that it is a lie, and what is said that make it true. is there some sort of list out there? Do police check this list to make sure someone is telling the truth?

  2. you've never been raped by an ex-vice president? for shame.