Sunday, November 21, 2010

Junk touching and crotch fires

Dear Reader,

I'm sure you are aware of the latest charged debate on airplane safety. That's right those crazy TSA pat downs (gropings). Let's take a look at how we got to this frenzy of emotion and wang touching.

It was Christmas day in 2009, everyone was celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ. While most people were fantasizing about doing horrible things with sugar plums and chestnuts, dressing up as a fat guy who gave special gifts to children, or throwing rocks at the local Jew (take that Schlomo!), one man decided to start a new tradition. That man was Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, a man with a vision. UFA decided that he wanted to hijack and explode a plane (plane hijacking is so 2001, get with the times). How would he pull this off, you ask? By setting his crotch on fire, I answer. Needless to say, his plan had some holes in it. This incident caused two things to happen. First, Mr. Abdulmutallamadamadingdong had some genital scarring (the greatest gift of all), and, second, the TSA decided to implement full body scans.

These scans are neat. They take work like an x-ray, but instead seeing your bones, they see under your clothes. Finally, those x-ray glasses exist! The image isn't incredibly clear, and its in black and white. So people are all in a tizzy, because TSA agents can take pictures of their naughty bits. This has some pretty obvious problems. If a youngin' gets a scan, there are child pornography implications (finally pervs can lose that creepy van, and get a job for the TSA), but as I said the images are not great, they are not very detailed. I don't want to single out people who like naked little children, there are also people who like naked adults, which another reason people don't like the FBS's. In this case I feel bad for the TSA agents. Let's pretend these images are HD quality and awesome. The naked people we all know and love, from the movies and magazine are pre-approved to be naked. Your everyday person is not so aesthetically gifted. Those pictures will be more of a curse than a blessing. So what happens if you don't want to have TSA agents look at your goods? You can get a good old fashioned pat down.

Well not this isn't your mother's pat down, they get in there! What we are used to is a quick once over, like a PG rating if we were to compare it to a movie. These new pat downs go into all of your nooks and crannies, to keep with our analogy this is like an NC-17 rating (well aside from your clothes being on (I know, boring)). I am sure you have heard the hoopla about the poking and prodding. One guy made waves by recording his interaction with the TSA and loudly saying "Don't touch my junk." People are understandably upset about the handsy TSA (flash backs of an uncle the family no longer talks about maybe). So what can you do to stop the near rape at the airport? You can do very little.

If you have reached this stage, your only option is to get man handled in a private room (where no one can hear you cry). I have a solution to this problem, but it will take a lot of people to not have shame. Do not go tot he private room, stay out in the public eye. When they start touching you, get into it. Start moaning and breathing heavy. Give them orders ("faster, harder, pull my hair!"). Get into it! Eye contact is also a great idea. Eventually they will get uncomfortable and stop (or get equally awkward (which would be better)).

Or you could grow a pair, and just get the fucking body scan. The TSA is doing the best they can. If they don't take these precautions and some asshole sets his johnson on fire on a plane again, everyone will be pissed that the TSA didn't do anything. As I said the pictures don't look like much, the agents just want to do their job and get on with their life. Get over yourself, no one wants to see you naked, average American.

See you in the airport,


  1. wow, terrific!!!! what a good rant! love it

  2. i was just in the airport and they didnt ask to see me naked


    they did lose my luggage though!