Monday, July 12, 2010

Happy 12th of July!

Dear Reader,

As you know I was betrayed by some asshole, and I wasn't Internetting on the Fourth of July. So I was unable to update you on the greatest sporting event of the year, the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest. The NHDEC is he best way to celebrate the birth of our nation (for the international reader I mean my nation not yours)! It is the greatest thing on television, aside from Shark Week.

Holy shit Shark Week starts in less than a month! August 1st! GET EXCITED!

When did this magnificent event start? Why would I want to watch a bunch of fat guys eat? Who won? Stop asking questions! At least give me a chance to answer.

This annual sporting event started on July 4th, 1916 in Coney Island. Four immigrants wanted to see who can eat the most Nathan's Hot dogs to prove who was the most patriotic. As a side note, that is the only way I will now accept your love of this country. You can shove those little Post 911 American flag pins up your ass. If you are not gorging yourself on Nathan's dogs, fuck Hebrew National, this is America!

Where was I? Oh yes 1916. James Mullen won. What a hero! Even though you didn't ask, I will tell you how to get into the contest, you're welcome. The quickest way is if you are the defending champion, so work on that. I think you may need one of these other entry points. You could win a qualifying contest for the current season. If you fail to win a qualifier, you can be one of the two wild cards by having the highest average score without winning the qualifier. If you are still a disgrace and a failure you can get in by being invited by the IFOCE (International Federation of Competitive Eating). Oh you also have to be a member of the federation, so you have to do that first. GOOD LUCK!

Back to your questions! They are not all fat. Why would you assume that? In fact some of the best athletes are rather trim. You have to do a lot of exercise to be able to eat that much and live. To say they are not athletes is disrespectful, and you probably said that because your jealous. Also they aren't all guys! That's sexist, some chicks are professional gurgitators. Sonya "The Black Widow" Thomas and Juliet Lee are two women than come to mind. Both of these ladies are quite skinny, so that blows your initial assumptions right out of the water. Why do you keep your assumptions in the water anyway? That seems silly.

Now your last question. For the years of 2001 to 2006 Takeru Kobayashi was unbeatable. He was easily the greatest athlete of that era. He had a strangle hold on the contest. It was a dark time for America, him being Japanese and all. He was the best villain in sports, better than A-Rod, LeBron, and the Iceland Hockey Team in the Junior Goodwill Games in Mighty Ducks 2 combined! In 2007, all that changed. Joey Chestnut beat Kobayashi! Every year since it has always been down to Chestnut and Kobayashi with record breaking results. Every year Joey won in dramatic fashion! Every year before this year. Takeru did not participate this year. He was in contract negotiations with MLE (Major League Eating (I know! Another competitive eating organization!)), so he could not play along. Because of his absence in the contest Joey won with no problem. No record was broken. The contest was missing something. We need Kobayashi. We need a bad guy. I always root for him. I know very unpatriotic of me, but, as you know, I have a soft spot for antagonists. He is good for the sport, he makes every play better.

TK was in attendance at the event. he tried to get on stage after the event, but was arrested. The crowd chanted "Let him eat!" Not letting him participate in America's pastime is shameful. I hope this does not happen next year.

Shark Week can't happen soon enough,


  1. this may be your best post yet, except for the part about you not rooting for the USA. You might as well root for iceland in the mighty ducks 2, or Russia against the US in the miracle on ice. it is a shame.

    but the rest of it was great

  2. there are no bigger villains in sports than the iceland hockey team from MD2... come on scott.