Tuesday, April 13, 2010

If at first you get away with alleged rape, try try again

Dear Reader,

If you have been paying attention to the latest rumor and gossip from Pittsburgh, which I attempt to do, then I'm sure you've heard about the latest activities of The Pittsburgh (football) Steelers' quarterback, Ben (Double Bacon) Roethlisberger with cheese. In case you have not been kept abreast of the really smart things he's done with his life, I shall let you know.

So back in 2004 when he was given the starting QB role for the Steelers he led them to 13 consecutive wins. He was supposed to be the number 3 guy but was lucky that both Charlie Batch and Tommy Maddox got JACKED UP int he beginning of the season. Not so bad. The next year he led them to a Superbowl victory. Did I mention that he loves riding his motorcycle without a helmet? I'm sure I did. He was so proud of this aspect of his life. Legendary Steelers' quartersnatch, Terry Bradshaw, gave Big Beezy some sage wisdom. "You are not Superman, wear a helmet, stop being a tool." Or something like that. Ben thought he was Superman and kept riding sans protective head gear. I guess he forgot that a horse was able to take down the Man O' Steel, so it was real easy for the car-bike combo to take out this generations Clark Kent.

That's right he drove into a car. On his motorcycle. Without a helmet. AND HE LIVES! Not only that but he recovers and goes on to perform in a lackluster fashion for the next season. Way to go champ, now you'll never learn your lesson. The next couple of years are pretty uneventful for our hero, until 2008.

He wins another Superbowl! Looks like things are finally turning around for Double Bacon, oh wait... What was that? Oh it would seem that Ben allegedly raped a woman in a Lake Tahoe hotel room. No charges were filed, no evidence was collected. Apparently, she even bragged to her co-workers for bedding the last son of Krypton. So this is good, she seems like she is trying to take advantage of his celebrity and his $100 million ten year deal.

Now a normal person would take this moment and think, "You know, the last time I banged out a groupie, it kind of backfired on me. Maybe I will slow my roll a little bit, and take some extra precautions the next time I want a piece of ass." I would have gotten this tattooed on my junk as a constant reminder. So that's it story's over.

Just kidding! On March 5th 2010 Large Benji allegedly sexually assaulted a broad in a restroom in a club. He has not been charged for anything in this case either. Buy really, Ben, have you learned nothing? Also the more rape allegation you have against you the more they seem to be true, if they are or aren't. Now I am a Steelers fan, and he is just not the type of guy I want leading a team I love. A leader knows to stop allegedly raping chicks. if you have to, you have two options:

1. Be honest like when Ricky Williams said he loves smoking weed. Just say, "I just love raping bitches, my b."
2. Take my advice for Tiger Woods about what he should have done with his harem.

Remember always have your sexual conquests fill out a consent form,

1 comment:

  1. He should just be awesome like Eli Manning and marry a hot blonde that he can bang out whenever he wants without repercussion.