Thursday, April 1, 2010

Good Friday gift idea

Dear Reader,

I assume you have either played (or at least heard of) the God of War series of video games. If, for some reason, you haven't, I will briefly explain it. You are this dude (Kratos), and Ares (the Greek god of war) tricks you into killing your wife and child. So naturally you take the prudent approach, and kill the god of war. After that, Zeus does you wrong so you kill just about every Greek god you can find. It is a wonderfully violent and graphic game. The question is this. Now that the Greek gods are dead, where do we go from here? Luckily, I have a solution.

Make the game about the Old and New Testaments! Now we are trying to kill the Judeo-Christian god. This will mostly be an Old Testament game, since that god was way more bad ass. He is an easy antagonist, with all the torture, genocides (both ordered and done), and rapes (also ordered). Really he is not a lovable character. Which I think I epitomized in the story of Job. Job will be the protagonist.

In case you were unaware of the story of Job, I shall again drop some knowledge. Job is a successful guy with seven children, and he loves god. So Satan and god are hanging out and bullshitting, and Satan mentions that Job only loves god because he is a success. So to prove that that is not the case god tells Satan to take it all away from Job. So Satan has Jobs business ruined and his children are crushed to death. Job still loves god. So he is rewarded by being covered in boils. He then asks why this has happened. God basically comes down, and says "Listen kid, I do what I want. No one questions me!" He later cures Job of his boils and he is a success again with seven new kids, and job is happy. This is where my game will be different. Job becomes my games Kratos and vows revenge. As you can see this won't be very different from God of War, just different characters. Also the chronology of the game will not be the same as the Testaments, but that is just so we can have a story.

Now on to the game!

In the beginning Job will get revenge on god by killing his son, Jesus. He will have to battle through apostles and Roman soldiers to get to Jesus. It will end with job crucifying the J man. Like the Bible, in three days Jesus will come back to life, but he will essentially be a Patient Zero for a hoard of zombies. That's right this game has zombies! The zombies will be all over the old world to try and stop Job.

Now all of the biblical figures will be pissed. So they will do all they can to stop you. I don't really have a clear vision of how these will all connect so I will just give a synopsis of the various bosses and levels and things of that nature:

David and Goliath: You will fight both of these enemies, as well as their armies. Naturally you will first kill David and take his slingshot, from his cold dead hands! You will then need to use the slingshot to kill Goliath. No real surprises here.

Moses: Welcome to Egypt. You will fight Egyptians, Hebrew slaves, and of course zombies. Also as a nice twist you will have to make it through the ten plagues. To defeat the angel of death (the tenth plague) you will have to slaughter some sheep and cover yourself in sheep blood. Angels of death notoriously fear sheep blood. Getting the angel of death in the sheep blood should take care of him. Now on to that pesky Moses! In defeating him you will hit him with his commandment tablets, and throw him in to the burning bush.

Noah: Time for a high seas adventure! You will have to take care of the arc's crew and some animals. To defeat Noah, I would suggest feeding him to some ferocious animals lions or bears or some shit like that. After this you jump overboard into the seas, but...

Jonah: are eaten by a massive whale! Jonah's whale to be exact. You can now fight your way through various sea critters to get to Jonah. Nothing really epic there, but I like the idea of having to force yourself out of the whale's stomach.

Zombie Jesus: You didn't think that he would just get to keep being a zombie like that did you? I would saying that you would crucify him again, but I would think his body would fall apart, so we will have to think of some other way to off him again.

God: Now for the epic final battle! I think it would be funny if you killed him with talk of a heliocentric solar system, and evolution. However, that would be a lame game.

After god is dead you get an ending movie of life after his reign. People are more peaceful and technologically advanced. Oh what a world!

Now I just need a name for this. I was thinking "Take This Job and Shove It."

Peace be with you,

1 comment:

  1. Since when are you so versed in the Bible and its stories and characters? This sounds like an entertaining game. The sequel should be in modern times where the end boss is the pope.