Wednesday, July 21, 2010

The Lynwood California Jail blues

Dear Reader,

So the other day, America's sweetheart went to prison. That's right Miss Parent Trap herself, Lindsay Lohan, is in the slammer! If you keep getting caught with cocaine, drive drunk, spend frequent time in rehab, and drive with a suspended licensee, then this is bound to happen. Is anyone surprised? Well I thought she would be dead by now, so I guess that's shocking.

She is just another example of why you should never let your children act. Child stars frequently end up like this. It's science! Children need to be kids, acting in movies throws them in a world that they really cannot handle. There is way too much drugs, sex, and money for a kiddo to deal with. I mean why would you want to play with Cabbage Patch Kids when you can fuck hookers and do lines of blow? Hookers and blow always wins. Always. To solve this problem I suggest that we do without child actors all together. From now on all children will be played by midgets. Or normal folks with a boat load of CGI. Nah midgets are a better route. I mean children are usually the worst part of every movie ever. How many action movies are ruined because the kid lives? ALL OF THEM!

Back to Loheeze, her best role was Cady in Mean Girls. That movie was the cat's pajamas! Why do you keep letting your cat wear pajamas? That's just silly. Anyway, if you have yet to see Mean Girls do yourself a favor and watch it. I'll wait here. haha gap tooth, great flick! Good now that you have seen the best of Lindy Hop, you don't need to see anything else.

Shortly after MG Ms. Lohan decided to hang with Paris Hilton and Co. Real winners! She was out getting wasted and pounded and having the time of her life. Now I have no problem with that. Do what ever the shit you want, just don't get upset when people start showing pictures of your junk hanging out when you get in and out of cars.

The best moment of this era of the Loholic was her romp with Brandon Davis. He is famous for banging celebrity train wrecks (everyone needs a hobby). One night he was hanging out with P-Hilton and got a chance to wax poetic with TMZ. In his rant he said, "Lindsay Lohan is a firecrotch, she has freckles coming out of her vagina, and her clitoris is seven feet long." Holy shit! How do freckles come out of there?! Maybe she should be in a circus not in movies. Well not mainstream movies. I don't even think it's possible to shoot freckles out of your twat. Neither freckles nor the female reproductive system work like that.

Now back to where we started. Linzal is going to jail. One more quick tangent, if you don't mind. When you go to court to have a judge decide on how much freedom you will be getting in the near future, you want to look your best. You get your hair did, and you nails made all pretty. I know that's what I do. Well Lohoosky had "Fuck U" written on the nail of her middle finger. Nothing says, "Hey judge don't fuck my life up," like a big "Fuck U." If you think about it, writing "Fuck U" there is redundant. Isn't that why we have middle fingers? I guess it saves you valuable time and energy when you don't have to retract your other four fingers (not to mention you still have to extend the one that counts!).

Needless to say, Home Slice was sentenced to ninety days in the big house. Great news! Now we have some questions about her future:

-Will she join a gang? (Please Latin Kings!)
-Will she commit suicide?
-Will she suffer from death by shanking?
-Will she turn her life around?
-Will she convince a kind, wise inmate to meet her in Zihuatanejo upon their release?


There are reports that LiLo is getting some special treatment. She gets her own phone, a personal guard, a TV, Adderall, Ambien, and clean clothes. What an outrage! She should have to smuggle all that shit up her asshole like everyone else! How will she learn to better herself now? The system has failed us once again.

Someone send her a cake with a file in it,


  1. definitely time for a new post!!!

  2. Wow, the only thing rory could say about this post was how much he wanted to read a different one that he didn't already read already. I thought it was funny, but I guess Rory felt otherwise. He must really hate you. I mean, REALLY hate you. Almost as much as "Loheeze" hates morals and cleanliness.