Thursday, February 25, 2010

Oh, so it's not just a clever name.

Dear Reader,

As I'm sure you are aware, a killer whale killed its trainer the other day. It's about time things started living up to their titles.

Here are some things that are not what their name suggests:

First we have the "Great" Lakes. They are maybe mediocre at best. I mean how great can they be? They border Minnesota, Wisconsin, Illinois, Indiana, Michigan, Ohio, Pennsylvania, New York, and Canada. What a waste of land! Who even cares about Ohio? Maybe three people, ever. I know what you're thinking. "But Scott, New York is super keen!" Aside from Ithaca, New York is an overrated thing near New Jersey.

Now we have pie. This is hardly 3.14159265358979323846264338327950288419716939937510582097494459230781640628620899862803482534211706798214808651328230664709384460955058223172535940812848111745028410270193852110555964462294895493038196442881097566593344612847564823378678316527120190914564856692346034861045432664821339360726024914127372458700660631558817488152092096282925409171536436789259036001133053054882046652138414695194151160943305727036575959195309218611738193261179310511854807446237996274956735188575272489122793818301194912... How is a delicious pastry supposed to help me find the circumference of a circle? it won't!

And now we have Krazy Glue. Let me just say that this is not nearly as krazy as advertised. It should be called frustrating liquid that makes you stick your fingers to things. Which isn't being crazy, its being a douche. it should be called douche glue... that would probably be painful.

Finally, an Orca (or how you, Reader, call them, a Killer Whale). And now we can think of them as real killers, of people. Not killers of souls, like the whale in Free Willy. Imagine how much better that movie would have been if Willy was just mauling and drowning everyone!

If I were to get mauled and drowned to death by a killer whale, I want my tombstone to say: Scott, He died the way he lived.

Shamu got nothing on Tilikum,


  1. Tilikum is badass. He has been involved in the deaths of 3 people. He is a true Killer Whale. The King Killer Whale. I hope he attacks Willy next and shows Willy what a real Killer Whale is all about.

  2. STEVE! Keiko aka "Willy" died on December 12, 2003 from pneumonia at the age of 26.
    RIP old friend. RIP.