Sunday, December 5, 2010

A night at the theatre

Dear Reader,

Recently, I had the opportunity to watch the new Spider-Man musical on Broadway. I went into the evening thinking that the play was going to be horrible. Not because I hate comics or musicals (I fucking love those things!), but because it is an insanely difficult thing to successfully execute. So I was going into this event expecting something awful, and leave it to the assholes who made it to not disappoint. It must be noted that this was a preview of the show, it doesn't premiere until the new year. I understand if there are some technical issues or flubbed lines.

Let's start off with the fact that Bono and The Edge did the music for this piece of shit. That is the first red flag for the production. U2 sucks. They can't even count to fourteen correctly, in Spanish. Also Bono is a massive douche, and should be drawn and quartered for crimes against humanity. That being said, at least some of U2's songs are catchy, even if it is in the "holy shit this is so bad, I think it gave my ears herpes!" kind of way. The producers of Spidey wish the music was that bad. The music is so generic and boring, I felt completely indifferent towards it. I don't remember a single thing about the music of this fucking show. Even a bad musical will have you hum the songs after.

The full title of this shit pile is Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark. What the fuck does that mean? There was a song titled "Turn Off the Dark," but since it was a song in this play I don't remember a fucking thing about it. According to my research (Wikipedia) The title comes from Bono. He remember a story of a child saying "turn off the dark," instead of "turn on the lights," when he wanted to lights on in a room. Really? Would Bono not leave production meetings until he got his filth on everything? Julie Taymor (producer of this mess) says that Spider-Man is bringing some light to the darkness, or some bullshit. So if assbag Bono wasn't in the room, this shit would be called Spider-Man: Turn On the Lights? Why was he telling this story of that docuhebag kid in the first place? Why would anyone want to talk to him?

So you have no reason to see this abomination if you like music. Let us move on to the story. The following paragraphs is jam packed with spoilers.

Act 1:

Four asshole kids are talking about writing the origin story of Spider-Man. They mention the comics so they are not making up the story, they are just telling it, for some reason that is never revealed. Before they get into Peter Parker and company, they talk about the Greek story of Arachne. You may be asking why they would do this. I have no idea, she has nothing to do with the comics. To give a recap, Arachne was some olde timey Greek broad who could weave like none other, and she would brag about this fact all the time (she even said she was better than Athena!). Athena didn't like how this bitch was putting her on blast, so she challenged Arachne to a duel. It was the most hardcore duel ever! They weaved. Arachne won, so Athena turned her into a spider. Arachne was the first person spider. Do you care yet? I didn't think so.

Now they get into the story. You know this story. Peter Parker is a nerd who is in love with his neighbor Mary Jane. On a class trip to Norman Osborn's scientific facility, Dub P gets bit by a radioactive spider, thus becoming out web-slinging friend (old news). Also it must be noted that Osborn talks to the four kids from earlier, which makes no sense (they are making this story up kind of). Now Peter learns he has powers and wrestles a guy to make some money.

Some notes on this scene. Those asshole kids are back and one of them mentions "Sunday Bloody Sunday." How much creative control did Bono have, and I don't think Taymor could be any further up his ass if she was his large intestine. Also the guy he is wrestling is a giant blow up doll, which looks just stupid.

On his way home from getting his money, he doesn't help a bully who is getting his car stolen. Uncle Ben (Peter's uncle) tries to save the day but get hit by the car and dies. This is supposed to be the most important part of the Spider-Man story. This is why he becomes a super hero. However the only time we saw Uncle Ben is when he is yelling at Peter for getting his ass kicked, so you don;t care that he died. They fucked up the most important part of the entire story. While Pete is sleeping Arachne meets him in his dream... I think. Arachne is now a nightmare inducing giant spider with a woman torso above her thorax. I think she gives him his costume at this point, this is all very vague (I know we are only in Act 1 still, it felt even longer sitting through it).

Spider-Man is running around saving the day (like he does). Osborn is pressured to use his experiments on himself to become powerful. In an experiment gone awry , he kills his wife and become the Green Goblin. He starts terrorizing the city (like he does). J. Jonah Jameson (head of the Daily Bugle newspaper) claims that Spidey is the real terror. Eventually Duble G has Spider-Man at the top of the Empire State Building, and is threatening to kill MJ. Did I mention his is doing this by tying her to a piano and throwing the aforementioned piano off the building? The Goblin took notes from Wile E. Coyote. Somehow Spider-Man saved Mary Jane and tied Greeny to the piano, thus killing him.

That was Act One. Holy fuck an hour and a half went by! This was the entire first Spider-Man movie, but a very bad version of it. There is still another Act! There is clearly no god.

Act 2:

Those asshole kids are back. Some of them think the story is over too. Spidey just beat his ultimate enemy in the Goblin. Oh no he wasn't the ultimate. So they introduce the Sinister Six (Carnage, Lizard, Electro, Swiss Miss, Kraven and Swarm). If you know the comics (or don't) you must know one thing strange about Swiss Miss. Swiss Miss isn't from the comics either, the kids even mention that they just made her up. There are hundreds of actual villains for them to choose from, but they make up some asshole for no reason. All six of these goons are easily taken care of, by Parker. Clearly they are not the ultimate either. Arachne is back again for no reason, now she has like six other people sized spider friends (no one cares).

Things are not going well for Peter, his relationship with MJ is strained because he is busy saving everyone. He throws his costume away. This action makes his powers go away? That is what I asked when they made a big deal, that he threw away his powers. PP and MJ are dancing at a discotheque (to what? (a fucking U2 song (at this point I attempted suicide))), when there is a black out. The Green Goblin is back and he released the Sinister Six, terror ensues.

Reports are telling JJJ that the shit is hitting all kinds of fans (people are being murdered, shoes are being stolen (yes they mention that hundreds of shoes are stolen (this is somehow equally important as murder (due to my failed suicide attempt, I begin crying uncontrollably))). The kids are talking about the story again, but are interrupted by Arachne's spider friends. How are they attacking the people telling the story. Its like the end The Neverending Story, but with less whimsy. The kids are never seen again (why have them in the first place?!). Peter is still just being Peter, not helping anyone or anything. Him and Mary Jane seem perfectly fine with the world ending.

Now we hang out with Arachne and Company again. They sing a song about shoes. Read that last sentence again. They now have people legs with high-healed shoes on. The shoes somehow give Arachne the power to turn into a chick again. She goes to Trip J to have him write a headline to get Spider-Man. Her place works, and Spider-Man returns. He easily dispatches of the Green Goblin and the Six other assholes again. All seems like it would be fine and dandy, but MJ is kidnapped... again.

Arachne has MJ in a web. She is also a giant fuck off spider lady again. Shoes are only a temporary fix, I guess. Spider-Man says that Arachne can take him, but she has to let MJ go. This apparently moved her so much that she said that she will let them both go and she is no free form her curse. Did Taymor realize that this play would never fucking end? What an abrupt and stupid way to deal with this shit. Oh I forgot one more bit. It was all a dream. Arachne made Peter dream all the events after Green Goblin died at the end of the first act. Basically, it is like when Victoria Principle saw Patrick Duffy in the shower in Dallas. So those asshole kids were taken care of by things that were a dream in the thing they were making up! This is the worst homage to Inception ever!

That's how it fucking ends! I am also done with the spoilers, so you can read again.

Scott, was it all bad? I know it may seem like it was, but there were some redeeming qualities. The sets were amazing. They looked like they were in the comics, it was extremely well done. This was the Broadway equivalent to Avatar. Great to look at, but otherwise a giant mound of dog shit.There were a lot of stunts in the play too (some high flying excitement!). They had to stop down once, but that was fine (as I said it was a preview show so stop downs and some fuck ups are OK).

If you have to decide on seeing this play or sticking your face in a bear trap, choose the bear trap. Unless you get a hard on for set design, steer clear of this theatrical abortion.

Fuck you Julie Taymor,


  1. you're a sad disgrace. read two paragraphs and couldn't read anymore. no one cares what you think ... stop wasting your time...

  2. Mr. Anonymous -

    Seeing as you declined to back up your insult with your actual name, I will address you as such. Please forgive me in advance.

    I believe you meant that the musical was a sad disgrace. Also, lots of people care about what Scott thinks, even if his grammar is on par with a 2nd grader's.

    Thank you.