Sunday, May 30, 2010

Even in death it sucks to be Gary Coleman

Dear Reader,

Well it been a busy couple of days in the world of celebrity deaths. Which, as you know, is one of my favorite things!

First I would like to talk about Bret Michaels. He didn't die. It was the worst case of celebrity death blue balls ever! First he was rushed to the hospital near the end of April for severe headaches. He was in critical condition, maybe he would slip into a coma. Then VH1 can launch a new dating show: Who Wants to Date a Vegetable with Bret Michaels. How awesome would that show be? VERY AWESOME is the answer. Just imagine a bunch of trashy skanks grinding and getting drunk over his body. They can all fight to change his catheter! I would watch that in a second. Then once he ate the big one VH1 can have Rock of Love marathons! This would be the best thing ever! Sadly none of the happened. He recovered and is doing fine, he even won Celebrity Apprentice. Side note he wore his bandanna in the hospital because he "Wanted to go out rocking." Bullshit! You are a douche who is afraid the world will know that you are a balding sad caricature of your former self.

So that was upsetting, but then May 28th came along and Gary Coleman finally had all of his dreams come true. He died, which he has wanted ever since Diff'rent Strokes got cancelled. One could say that Gary gave life the old Cleveland Try. Finally people would care about him again, the jokes would stop! Unfortunately, he didn't die of a stoke. It would be a different stroke indeed! It was really inconsiderate of him, now Avenue Q has to change their show around to get rid of the Gary Coleman character. Maybe they can use Emmanuel Lewis instead. Now people will spend a couple of days saying good things about him. Not is Dennis Hopper has anything to say about it.

That's right the next day Dennis Hopper goes quietly into the good night. Now a dead there was a dead person people actually cared about. Well there goes my hopes for a Waterworld sequel. Waterworld 2: The Return of the Deacon! At least we can look forward to a Speed, Super Mario Bros, and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 triple feature and your local drive in movie. Maybe when Gary and Dennis meet up int he sideways/purgatory world in Lost and Dennis can give Gary a quick kick to the junk as one last dig. Oh yea if you didn't see the finale of Lost, that's how it ends. Lots of junk punches. Mostly to the loyal fans. What a shitty way to end the show.

Glad I am not G. Coleman,


  1. "Worst case of Celebrity Death blue balls ever" LOL that has to be one of the funniest lines I have read in a long time! Some people just can't commit. Although Madonna had a similar case of blue balls. You were so close to winning the pool.


  3. So rory begs you for a new post, but when I don't write for over 3 weeks, I don't hear shit from him. I see how it is.

    And remember, Cleveland sucks. So by giving life the old Cleveland try, you officially sucked at everything.