Monday, October 18, 2010

Fun times in a hole

Dear Reader,

Once again I must apologize for the delay. This time I was trapped in a caved in mine. I doubt you cared about little old me, you were too busy with some other similar story. So what if I wasn't in an exotic land, trapped down there for over two month, and if the cave in was "possibly" all my fault; I'm still a human interest story, god dammit!

I guess you would rather read about the Chilean 33, instead of my tale of heroism, intrigue, and drug mules (your loss). Last chance to read my story? Yes? No? Die Scott? Fine.

So on August 5th 2010 a mine collapsed in Chile, which (like collapsed mines do) trapped a number of miners 2,257 ft underground. At least they had each other. Initially they tried to escape via ventilation ducts, but the ladders needed to reach the ducts were nowhere to be found. They were supposed to be there. A spokesperson may have said something along the lines of, "Ladders are a crutch." You can't argue with sound logic like that!

So seventeen days later the miners got the word out that they were alive (the world rejoiced). This marks the first of one of the two major events that wasn't the actual collapse and rescue: Finally, America knew of more Chileans than just Snooki.

Speaking of the Snookster, she is writing a book. There are several mind boggling things about that fact:
1. It's a fictional novel about "big hair, dark tans, and fights galore." So it's basically autobiographical.
2. Who is this book targeting? The average Jersey Shore fan can't read.
3. Who knew Snooki Snooki Snoo Snoo could write? And I don't mean write well, I mean the act of putting words onto paper.
4. This isn't the only (or even first!) Jersey Shore alumni to get a book deal. Get excited for The Situation's self help book and a how to guide penned by J-Woww and Ronnie. How to what? Keep the Jersey Shore look and attitude (in other words How To Look and Act Like a Douchebag: for Douchebags, by Douchebags) that's what!

Back to our friends in a hole. Nothing really exciting happened between then and the release, except that one thing. One of the miners, Yanni Barrios, has a wife and a mistress. And they got to finally meat each other! They met at the vigil for the 33 when everyone thought they were dead. Both the wife and the mistress were crying out for their lost love Yanni, then realized it was the same dude. After all of this, I can't wait for him to get a reality show. It can be on VH1 and be called Mine of Love.

Then they were rescued. This process started on October 12th and ended on the 13th. It was like a two day marathon of a very boring version of Prison Break. The rescue marks the second big ideology change in the world. Finally, adults could openly say that they are excited about a bunch of miners, without having to talk to Chris Hansen about what they're trying to do here.

Now, here is why I am upset about the miner story, no cannibalism. I know! What the fuck!? People are going to want to make movies and read books on this. Why? They pretty much got along, and they didn't eat each other (I can't stress this enough). Why did people want to read (or watch the movie adaptation of) Alive? For the compelling story of a team of Uruguayan Rugby players overcoming impossible odds and getting saved? Hell no! They want to find more about how they had to eat each other to survive. That is compelling shit! Not these miners. No one even gnawed off any one's arm. Waste of time.

So in conclusion, the miners all made it out of the mine. They saw their shadow, so Chile is in for six more months of winter.

Suck on that Puxsutawney Phil!


  1. Give Snooki some credit, she typed out that note to Sammy all by herself. J-Wowww was of no help at all in the typing process.


  3. wow, how do i follow the past two comments. so much emotion on this blog. but really, i cannot wait for "mine of love!" that is going to be awesome!!!

  4. hot damn this blog is awesome.

    rory's already set a series recording for "Mine of Love".