Dear Reader,
In this week's Buffet Table I go on another adventure. This time to an airport. Friends are made. Friends are lost. I throw up. Also some people die. It's really a pretty standard story for me.
Safe travels,
Scott
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Buffet Table: Halloween
Dear Reader,
As you know, Halloween is right around the corner. In this week's Buffet Table I brainstorm up some costume ideas. What will I choose? Do you even care?
Happy Hallwoeen,
Scott
P.S. The answers to the questions above: Read and find out, No
As you know, Halloween is right around the corner. In this week's Buffet Table I brainstorm up some costume ideas. What will I choose? Do you even care?
Happy Hallwoeen,
Scott
P.S. The answers to the questions above: Read and find out, No
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Buffet Table: Comic Con
Dear Reader,
Last weekend was the New York Comic Con. Also last weekend, I was sent on assignment to report on the Comic Con. You can read all about my misadventures on this week's Buffet Table column.
Fun times were had by some,
Scott
Last weekend was the New York Comic Con. Also last weekend, I was sent on assignment to report on the Comic Con. You can read all about my misadventures on this week's Buffet Table column.
Fun times were had by some,
Scott
Monday, October 10, 2011
Buffet Table: Career Day
Dear Reader,
Ever wonder what your dream job is? I look back at various occupations I once dreamt of having, in this week's Buffet Table.
Never give up on your goals,
Scott
Ever wonder what your dream job is? I look back at various occupations I once dreamt of having, in this week's Buffet Table.
Never give up on your goals,
Scott
Monday, October 3, 2011
Buffet Table: Hunger Games
Dear Reader,
I recently read the book, The Hunger Games. It's about children killing each other. And, that's all you should need to know to get you to read it. In this week's edition of the Buffet Table, I show that I am not capable of writing a book review.
Who says the written word is dead?
Scott
I recently read the book, The Hunger Games. It's about children killing each other. And, that's all you should need to know to get you to read it. In this week's edition of the Buffet Table, I show that I am not capable of writing a book review.
Who says the written word is dead?
Scott
Monday, September 26, 2011
Buffet Table: Random Thoughts
Dear Reader,
I share some knowledge on The Buffet Table. I hope you learn something.
Love always,
Scott
I share some knowledge on The Buffet Table. I hope you learn something.
Love always,
Scott
Thursday, September 15, 2011
So, how about them Scarlett Johansson nude photos?
Dear Reader,
Since you are clearly on the Internet (either that, or you had a friend print this out), then I assume you have sen the recently leaked pictures of Scarlett Johansson naked. If you haven't, then you are clearly doing the Internet wrong. I'm not here to show you the nude pictures, I'm here to discuss the controversy in a mature manner. OK here are the pictures. That link was not safe for work, I probably should have said that.
What happened was that Scar Jo's phone was allegedly hacked by a hacking group of hackers. It is rumored that this group has raunchy photos of fifty celebrities. Some of the lucky ladies involved in this are “Selena Gomez, Demi Lovato, Christina Aguilera, Vanessa Hudgens, Scarlett Johansson, Ali Larter, Busy Philipps, Miley Cyrus, Emma Caulfield, Addison Timlin and Renee Olstead.” (source) I don't know who half of those bitches are. I think one of them is also Hannah Montana, but no one has seen her since Miley Cyrus has become so popular.
A couple of things here. Red (I'm bad with colors) JoHan shouldn't be surprised about the fact that these pictures were leaked. Our favorite part about celebrities is seeing them naked. It is a third of the reasons why I go to the movies (the other two are graphic violence and Michael Keaton). We love naked famous people. We have an entire industry of assholes, who take pictures of rich chicks getting out of cars in the hopes of them flashing their snatch. To prove a point, here is a video of Kathy Bates naked in the movie About Schmidt. You clicked on that didn't you? You are just as bad a person as I am (congratulations?). That's my point. Celebrities only exist to promise or tease nudity. Scarsky shouldn't be shocked about her goods being displayed for all to see; she should be shocked that it took this long to happen! Also that Kathy Bates video is also not safe for work (I probably should have mentioned that. Just assume all links from here on out are likely to get you a trip to HR).
Ms. Johannesburg should also know better. Don't take naked pictures of yourself, especially if you are famous. There is no way this doesn't backfire on you. Just ask Anthony Weiner, Hayley Williams, Ke$ha (this one has the benefit of her being covered in a puddle of potential children!) or countless others. In this stupid ass world of sexting and social media, just assume that all naked pictures of you are going to be online. Especially if you are someone people care about. This is such a rampant problem that there is even a PSA about it (that last link was safe for work, or was it? Anything is possible). See, all those creepy dudes were looking at that chick on the Internet, and she's only a shitty PSA actress. SJ stood no chance of having her pictures secured to her own phone. This is why I don't take pictures of my junk. I don't need the whole Internet laughing at me.
There are three ways to handle a scandal (haha rhymes) like this:
1. Ignore it
This is the best solution. Everything blows over. In the magical world of the Interwebs, things tend to blow over very quickly. If something lasts a week on here, that's long time. If Scarry JoJo just said nothing, then this would be over in a day or two. If she gets asked about them she could just say, "It was a misstake, and it is unfortunate that these photos were leaked." Then she could go about her life.
2. Embrace it
This is the Paris Hilton method. When her sex tape was leaked, she pretty much embraced that she was a whore. She capitalized on her new found fame, and it worked out great for her. This has been seen before with Pamela Anderson (twice) and Kim Kardashian. There are two notes on this method. First, this only works if you are attractive, this didn't work out well for the wrestler China (no one wants to watch a female version of Micky Rourke get fucked). And second, you need to be marginally famous for this to not come off desperate (well extremely desperate). Since Sarlacc, is both very attractive and famous, this option is unfeasible.
3. Go to the FBI and make a big deal about it
All this does is call attention to the situation. Attention you clearly don't want, since you didn't do option 2. This is called the Barbara Streisand Effect. Like most things bearing Babs' name, this is undesirable. For a little history on the effect, let me spin you a yarn. In 2003, Barbara tried to suppress photos of her mansion from going public. Her attempts only made the public want to see the pictures more, therefore having the opposite result than what she wanted. A more recent case of this is the Anthony Weiner hoopla (you may have read about it on this very website! (you probably didn't)). The last thing you want to do in an embarrassing situation (like having your goods out for the world to see), is to make a bigger deal about the embarrassing situation.
Guess which option Scarlett chose. That's right option three! To prove exactly how bad of an idea that was, it made me write this thing you're reading now. Now all seven (a generous estimate) of my readers have seen the pictures. I am finally part of something! Granted it's the problem, not the solution, but its a start.
Don't forget to smile for the camera,
Scott
Since you are clearly on the Internet (either that, or you had a friend print this out), then I assume you have sen the recently leaked pictures of Scarlett Johansson naked. If you haven't, then you are clearly doing the Internet wrong. I'm not here to show you the nude pictures, I'm here to discuss the controversy in a mature manner. OK here are the pictures. That link was not safe for work, I probably should have said that.
What happened was that Scar Jo's phone was allegedly hacked by a hacking group of hackers. It is rumored that this group has raunchy photos of fifty celebrities. Some of the lucky ladies involved in this are “Selena Gomez, Demi Lovato, Christina Aguilera, Vanessa Hudgens, Scarlett Johansson, Ali Larter, Busy Philipps, Miley Cyrus, Emma Caulfield, Addison Timlin and Renee Olstead.” (source) I don't know who half of those bitches are. I think one of them is also Hannah Montana, but no one has seen her since Miley Cyrus has become so popular.
A couple of things here. Red (I'm bad with colors) JoHan shouldn't be surprised about the fact that these pictures were leaked. Our favorite part about celebrities is seeing them naked. It is a third of the reasons why I go to the movies (the other two are graphic violence and Michael Keaton). We love naked famous people. We have an entire industry of assholes, who take pictures of rich chicks getting out of cars in the hopes of them flashing their snatch. To prove a point, here is a video of Kathy Bates naked in the movie About Schmidt. You clicked on that didn't you? You are just as bad a person as I am (congratulations?). That's my point. Celebrities only exist to promise or tease nudity. Scarsky shouldn't be shocked about her goods being displayed for all to see; she should be shocked that it took this long to happen! Also that Kathy Bates video is also not safe for work (I probably should have mentioned that. Just assume all links from here on out are likely to get you a trip to HR).
Ms. Johannesburg should also know better. Don't take naked pictures of yourself, especially if you are famous. There is no way this doesn't backfire on you. Just ask Anthony Weiner, Hayley Williams, Ke$ha (this one has the benefit of her being covered in a puddle of potential children!) or countless others. In this stupid ass world of sexting and social media, just assume that all naked pictures of you are going to be online. Especially if you are someone people care about. This is such a rampant problem that there is even a PSA about it (that last link was safe for work, or was it? Anything is possible). See, all those creepy dudes were looking at that chick on the Internet, and she's only a shitty PSA actress. SJ stood no chance of having her pictures secured to her own phone. This is why I don't take pictures of my junk. I don't need the whole Internet laughing at me.
There are three ways to handle a scandal (haha rhymes) like this:
1. Ignore it
This is the best solution. Everything blows over. In the magical world of the Interwebs, things tend to blow over very quickly. If something lasts a week on here, that's long time. If Scarry JoJo just said nothing, then this would be over in a day or two. If she gets asked about them she could just say, "It was a misstake, and it is unfortunate that these photos were leaked." Then she could go about her life.
2. Embrace it
This is the Paris Hilton method. When her sex tape was leaked, she pretty much embraced that she was a whore. She capitalized on her new found fame, and it worked out great for her. This has been seen before with Pamela Anderson (twice) and Kim Kardashian. There are two notes on this method. First, this only works if you are attractive, this didn't work out well for the wrestler China (no one wants to watch a female version of Micky Rourke get fucked). And second, you need to be marginally famous for this to not come off desperate (well extremely desperate). Since Sarlacc, is both very attractive and famous, this option is unfeasible.
3. Go to the FBI and make a big deal about it
All this does is call attention to the situation. Attention you clearly don't want, since you didn't do option 2. This is called the Barbara Streisand Effect. Like most things bearing Babs' name, this is undesirable. For a little history on the effect, let me spin you a yarn. In 2003, Barbara tried to suppress photos of her mansion from going public. Her attempts only made the public want to see the pictures more, therefore having the opposite result than what she wanted. A more recent case of this is the Anthony Weiner hoopla (you may have read about it on this very website! (you probably didn't)). The last thing you want to do in an embarrassing situation (like having your goods out for the world to see), is to make a bigger deal about the embarrassing situation.
Guess which option Scarlett chose. That's right option three! To prove exactly how bad of an idea that was, it made me write this thing you're reading now. Now all seven (a generous estimate) of my readers have seen the pictures. I am finally part of something! Granted it's the problem, not the solution, but its a start.
Don't forget to smile for the camera,
Scott
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Buffet Table: Time Traveling
Dear Reader,
Last weekend, I went on a little vacation. A vacation to the goddamned past! A time was had by all. Read all about it in this week's installment of the Buffet Table.
It may have just been a renaissance fair in Tuxedo, NY,
Scott
Last weekend, I went on a little vacation. A vacation to the goddamned past! A time was had by all. Read all about it in this week's installment of the Buffet Table.
It may have just been a renaissance fair in Tuxedo, NY,
Scott
Monday, September 5, 2011
Buffet Table: FAQ
Dear Reader,
Every good website has an FAQ section. That's why this site is lacking one. I was tasked with writing an FAQ for The Buffet Table.
Prepare to get learned,
Scott
Every good website has an FAQ section. That's why this site is lacking one. I was tasked with writing an FAQ for The Buffet Table.
Prepare to get learned,
Scott
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
The best news story ever
Dear Reader.
Holy shit! Are you ready for the best news story I have ever heard? Matthew Fox (Jack Shephard from Lost) punched a bus driver's vagina! Did you read that?! Matthew Fox engaged in fisticuffs with some broad's snatch!
I know!
I don't even care how it happened, but here's the story anyway:
On Saturday night (8/27/11), while everyone on the east coast was hiding from some bitch named Irene, people in Cleveland were partying. This happened in Cleveland? I take back everything I ever said about you. Anyway, a party bus (driven by Heather Bormann) was picking up a bachelor party from Shooters Entertainment Complex. What she didn't anticipate was, Lost star, Matthew Fox on board; demanding a ride back to his hotel. When he was denied, he lost his shit!
He yelled, "This is the guy from ‘Lost,’ Matthew Fox!"
When that didn't work, he started hitting Heather in the tits and twat.
Now, I don't know how you are imagining this, but in my mind Mr. Fox getting stuck in Ms. Bormann's gash. Like he is forearm deep in there, just struggling to get out, like James Franco in 127 Hours. I am not advocating violence to women, unless it's something as awesome as this. If we can laugh (and we do) at dudes getting hit in the beanbags, then we can laugh and biddies getting pummeled in the pussy. This is the price you pay for the right to vote and drive.
Just imagine (like I have been all day) if this happened in all of Matty's roles.
Party of Five:
"Oh hey, Jennifer Love Hewitt, I'm so bummed by our parents dying in that car accident."
"Yea Matt, me t-"
BOOM! He lands a haymaker into JLH's cooch!
"Fuck! That hurt! Holy shit, I can whisper to ghosts now."
I have never seen Party of Five, or Ghost Whisperer.
Vantage Point:
Did anyone see this? I didn't think so. Would you have, if it were guaranteed that Fox socks Sigourney Weaver's lunch box? Fuck yea, you would have.
Lost:
Imagine how much better Lost would have been if, every time Kate was annoying, Jack landed an uppercut on her hatchet wound. Just think about how much better this scene would have been (ignore the stupid dubbing):
Wait a minute. Maybe this did happen, behind the scenes. It would explain why every biddy, Jack spoke to, would immediately start fucking Sawyer. Sawyer had a strict "no punching the ham wallet policy."
Shit, all of this Lost talk just makes me upset. That last season was so fucking bad. Matthew, if you want to redeem yourself in everyone else's eyes (not mine, you won me over), you should land a few knuckle sandwiches into the collective cunt of Damon Linelof and Carlton Cuse. Fuck those guys.
Now maybe, I'm enjoying this story too much. But I doubt that. There is no way thinking of new ways to say, "Matthew Fox totally went all Muhammad Ali on some bird's pot of gold", will ever get old.
I can't wait to tell my grandchildren about where I was when I heard Matthew Fox socked some chick right in her sunken treasure,
Scott
Holy shit! Are you ready for the best news story I have ever heard? Matthew Fox (Jack Shephard from Lost) punched a bus driver's vagina! Did you read that?! Matthew Fox engaged in fisticuffs with some broad's snatch!
I know!
I don't even care how it happened, but here's the story anyway:
On Saturday night (8/27/11), while everyone on the east coast was hiding from some bitch named Irene, people in Cleveland were partying. This happened in Cleveland? I take back everything I ever said about you. Anyway, a party bus (driven by Heather Bormann) was picking up a bachelor party from Shooters Entertainment Complex. What she didn't anticipate was, Lost star, Matthew Fox on board; demanding a ride back to his hotel. When he was denied, he lost his shit!
He yelled, "This is the guy from ‘Lost,’ Matthew Fox!"
When that didn't work, he started hitting Heather in the tits and twat.
Now, I don't know how you are imagining this, but in my mind Mr. Fox getting stuck in Ms. Bormann's gash. Like he is forearm deep in there, just struggling to get out, like James Franco in 127 Hours. I am not advocating violence to women, unless it's something as awesome as this. If we can laugh (and we do) at dudes getting hit in the beanbags, then we can laugh and biddies getting pummeled in the pussy. This is the price you pay for the right to vote and drive.
Just imagine (like I have been all day) if this happened in all of Matty's roles.
Party of Five:
"Oh hey, Jennifer Love Hewitt, I'm so bummed by our parents dying in that car accident."
"Yea Matt, me t-"
BOOM! He lands a haymaker into JLH's cooch!
"Fuck! That hurt! Holy shit, I can whisper to ghosts now."
I have never seen Party of Five, or Ghost Whisperer.
Vantage Point:
Did anyone see this? I didn't think so. Would you have, if it were guaranteed that Fox socks Sigourney Weaver's lunch box? Fuck yea, you would have.
Lost:
Imagine how much better Lost would have been if, every time Kate was annoying, Jack landed an uppercut on her hatchet wound. Just think about how much better this scene would have been (ignore the stupid dubbing):
Wait a minute. Maybe this did happen, behind the scenes. It would explain why every biddy, Jack spoke to, would immediately start fucking Sawyer. Sawyer had a strict "no punching the ham wallet policy."
Shit, all of this Lost talk just makes me upset. That last season was so fucking bad. Matthew, if you want to redeem yourself in everyone else's eyes (not mine, you won me over), you should land a few knuckle sandwiches into the collective cunt of Damon Linelof and Carlton Cuse. Fuck those guys.
Now maybe, I'm enjoying this story too much. But I doubt that. There is no way thinking of new ways to say, "Matthew Fox totally went all Muhammad Ali on some bird's pot of gold", will ever get old.
I can't wait to tell my grandchildren about where I was when I heard Matthew Fox socked some chick right in her sunken treasure,
Scott
Buffet table: A Week of Natural Disasters
Dear Reader,
As I'm sure you are aware, the east coast of the United States experienced a two prongs attack from Gaia. We had an earthquake then a hurricane. Holy shit! I explain how I handled myself during this time, in this week's edition of Buffet Table.
Nature is silly,
Scott
As I'm sure you are aware, the east coast of the United States experienced a two prongs attack from Gaia. We had an earthquake then a hurricane. Holy shit! I explain how I handled myself during this time, in this week's edition of Buffet Table.
Nature is silly,
Scott
Monday, August 22, 2011
Buffet Table: Bachmann and Movies
Dear Reader,
In this week's edition of Buffet Table, I attempt to write about republican presidential candidate Michele Bachmann. I ultimately fail this goal, and write about movie trailers. It is up for debate if I also failed in this attempt.
Either way I'm sure it will delight the masses,
Scott
In this week's edition of Buffet Table, I attempt to write about republican presidential candidate Michele Bachmann. I ultimately fail this goal, and write about movie trailers. It is up for debate if I also failed in this attempt.
Either way I'm sure it will delight the masses,
Scott
Monday, August 15, 2011
Buffet Table: Crime & Punishment
Dear Reader,
Not everything I do involves celebrities and making fun of the news. Sometimes, I like to go to museums and get my culture on. Since everything I do does involve murder and crazy, my museum of choice was the National Museum of Crime & Punishment. You can read my review in this week's Buffet Table.
The more you know,
Scott
Not everything I do involves celebrities and making fun of the news. Sometimes, I like to go to museums and get my culture on. Since everything I do does involve murder and crazy, my museum of choice was the National Museum of Crime & Punishment. You can read my review in this week's Buffet Table.
The more you know,
Scott
Monday, August 8, 2011
Buffet Table: Shark Week
Dear Reader,
Last week was Shark Week. I know you are all in a frenzy to find out what I thought about it. Lucky for you, you can check out Buffet Table to see my thoughts on the great event. It really has all you could ask for in a critique of educational television (sharks, chum, hugs and intrigue). Like LL Cool Jay once said "deepest, bluest, my head is like a sharks fin."
Those words are more true now than ever before,
Scott
Last week was Shark Week. I know you are all in a frenzy to find out what I thought about it. Lucky for you, you can check out Buffet Table to see my thoughts on the great event. It really has all you could ask for in a critique of educational television (sharks, chum, hugs and intrigue). Like LL Cool Jay once said "deepest, bluest, my head is like a sharks fin."
Those words are more true now than ever before,
Scott
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
You sunk my battleship!
Dear Reader,
Have you seen the trailer for the movie, Battleship? It's based of the classic board game. If not, you really need to click on this link. Welcome back. I know, you're confused. You don't remember the aliens when you used to play Battleship? They were there, you just weren't paying attention (drunk) enough to see them. This trailer makes sense to me (Scott, has a drinking problem). Since I only play these games while shithoused, I have the unique insight needed for this new genre of film. I present the future of cinema:
Mouse Trap: A young attractive group of coeds, find themselves lost in a spooky warehouse. The lights go out, and they are trapped like a mouse. One by one they are tortured to death. I'm talking, horribly tortured here: arms cut in half long ways, fingernails pulled off with rusty pliers, eye lids removed then eaten. There will be so much pain and suffering, Eli Roth will reach climax five times in the first half of the movie alone.
Operation: Oliver Platt needs a life saving surgery (an Operation, of you catch what I'm throwing), to cure his disease (let's call it super AIDS). His Dr. is played by Katherine Heigl, who is just unlucky with love. Oliver helps her out in trying to get another Dr. to love her (can we get Nick Lachey for this?). In the end we all learn a little about love, and that all of these shenanigans didn't help cure Mr. Platt. He dies in the end.
Apples to Apples: This isn't you father's buddy cop movie (unless I'm your father). Isaac Newton is a by-the-book veteran detective, who is only one moth away from retirement, but he has a new partner, loose cannon and rebel, Steve Jobs. Jobs has been unhinged, ever since his wife was gunned down by the criminal mastermind, Bill Gates. The case Newton and Jobs is on takes them right to Bill Gate's lair (the Gates of Hell!). Newton uses calculus and gravity to save the day (while also being to old for this shit), and Jobs finally gets the closure he's needed.
Charades: I know this isn't a board game, but the script wrote itself. In this re-imagining of history we see a young, sexy Hellen Keller somehow witnesses a murder. Maybe she was raped? Anyway, she has to help the cops bring these wrong doers to justice.
Candy Land: A group of space scientists (and for some reason two children) land on a previously undiscovered planet. This planet is... wait for it... made of candy. They get into some sticky situations as they escape the evil Mr. Mint. Hold on, this is a bit too close to the actual canon of the game. So, they land on this new planet, and everything is made of CGI John Candys. That's much better.
Backgammon: A very handsome and charming Internet comedy writer (let's call him Scott), finds himself magically transported to inside the Star Wars universe. He has to be part of the original trilogy, and live out all of his childhood dreams! Shooting Stromtroopers and Ewoks, getting into light saber duels, banging Princess Leia when she's a slave on Jabba's floating barge, and finally joining the dark side. I think I can speak for everyone when I say this will be the best movie ever made.
Cranium: After I have exhausted the game movie genre, this will be released. It will be a reference movie (like the awful Disaster Movie, Date Movie, Meet the Spartans, etc.). Like the other reference movies, this will be unwatchable.
Now I know a lot of Hollywood execs read this blog. Please make this happen. If it helps, I can offer you some coke.
The film industry runs on coke,
Scott
Have you seen the trailer for the movie, Battleship? It's based of the classic board game. If not, you really need to click on this link. Welcome back. I know, you're confused. You don't remember the aliens when you used to play Battleship? They were there, you just weren't paying attention (drunk) enough to see them. This trailer makes sense to me (Scott, has a drinking problem). Since I only play these games while shithoused, I have the unique insight needed for this new genre of film. I present the future of cinema:
Mouse Trap: A young attractive group of coeds, find themselves lost in a spooky warehouse. The lights go out, and they are trapped like a mouse. One by one they are tortured to death. I'm talking, horribly tortured here: arms cut in half long ways, fingernails pulled off with rusty pliers, eye lids removed then eaten. There will be so much pain and suffering, Eli Roth will reach climax five times in the first half of the movie alone.
Operation: Oliver Platt needs a life saving surgery (an Operation, of you catch what I'm throwing), to cure his disease (let's call it super AIDS). His Dr. is played by Katherine Heigl, who is just unlucky with love. Oliver helps her out in trying to get another Dr. to love her (can we get Nick Lachey for this?). In the end we all learn a little about love, and that all of these shenanigans didn't help cure Mr. Platt. He dies in the end.
Apples to Apples: This isn't you father's buddy cop movie (unless I'm your father). Isaac Newton is a by-the-book veteran detective, who is only one moth away from retirement, but he has a new partner, loose cannon and rebel, Steve Jobs. Jobs has been unhinged, ever since his wife was gunned down by the criminal mastermind, Bill Gates. The case Newton and Jobs is on takes them right to Bill Gate's lair (the Gates of Hell!). Newton uses calculus and gravity to save the day (while also being to old for this shit), and Jobs finally gets the closure he's needed.
Charades: I know this isn't a board game, but the script wrote itself. In this re-imagining of history we see a young, sexy Hellen Keller somehow witnesses a murder. Maybe she was raped? Anyway, she has to help the cops bring these wrong doers to justice.
Candy Land: A group of space scientists (and for some reason two children) land on a previously undiscovered planet. This planet is... wait for it... made of candy. They get into some sticky situations as they escape the evil Mr. Mint. Hold on, this is a bit too close to the actual canon of the game. So, they land on this new planet, and everything is made of CGI John Candys. That's much better.
Backgammon: A very handsome and charming Internet comedy writer (let's call him Scott), finds himself magically transported to inside the Star Wars universe. He has to be part of the original trilogy, and live out all of his childhood dreams! Shooting Stromtroopers and Ewoks, getting into light saber duels, banging Princess Leia when she's a slave on Jabba's floating barge, and finally joining the dark side. I think I can speak for everyone when I say this will be the best movie ever made.
Cranium: After I have exhausted the game movie genre, this will be released. It will be a reference movie (like the awful Disaster Movie, Date Movie, Meet the Spartans, etc.). Like the other reference movies, this will be unwatchable.
Now I know a lot of Hollywood execs read this blog. Please make this happen. If it helps, I can offer you some coke.
The film industry runs on coke,
Scott
Monday, August 1, 2011
Buffet Table: Harry Potter
Dear Reader,
Did I say "Reader?" I meant "Muggle." I know you are all trying to cope with the end of the Harry Potter franchise. I've been so distraught, I haven't left my apartment in weeks. I find the best way to help me deal with such a loss, is to write an article about H. Potts (and have you tell your friends to read it). Or you could just throw rocks at Twilight fans.
Either one is fine with me,
Scott
Did I say "Reader?" I meant "Muggle." I know you are all trying to cope with the end of the Harry Potter franchise. I've been so distraught, I haven't left my apartment in weeks. I find the best way to help me deal with such a loss, is to write an article about H. Potts (and have you tell your friends to read it). Or you could just throw rocks at Twilight fans.
Either one is fine with me,
Scott
Monday, July 25, 2011
Buffet Table: Dinosaurs
Dear Reader,
Monday is here again, that can only mean two things! 1.) You are at work, and you need something to occupy your time so you don't kill anyone. 2.) I post a new article on Buffet Table. Lucky for you the second thing, helps with the first thing. As you can tell by the clever title of this post, the article is about dinosaurs.
I fucking love dinosaurs,
Scott
Monday is here again, that can only mean two things! 1.) You are at work, and you need something to occupy your time so you don't kill anyone. 2.) I post a new article on Buffet Table. Lucky for you the second thing, helps with the first thing. As you can tell by the clever title of this post, the article is about dinosaurs.
I fucking love dinosaurs,
Scott
Thursday, July 21, 2011
How to have fun during the summer
Dear Reader,
Holy fucking shit, it is hot outside! I'm sure you've noticed this by now (If not, stay inside! Whatever you do, stay inside!). A weather expert (wexpert?) has been quoted, "It is hotter than the Devil's taint out there!" That expert may have been me. It is so skin bubbling hot, that my tears boil upon hitting the open air. If you are anything like me, you contemplate suicide (a permanent solution to every problem) every three seconds where you are open to the elements. My latest suicide fantasy involves committing seppuku. My reasoning is two fold: 1.) I think that the sudden lack of intestines, and the breeze entering my torso cavity, would have a nice cooling effect before i pass on. 2.) I deserve to die, with honor. Sometimes, you just can't find a sword, so here are some other things you can do to cope with the grueling heat (in typical Another Internet Blog fashion, these will be full of death and mayhem):
Play with some animals:
Like a leopard. In India, a leopard wandered into a village and freaked the shit out. Spots was overwhelmed by all the folks screaming "HOLY SHIT THERE'S A FUCKING LEOPARD HERE!" (again I am not good with foreign languages), and he started swiping people. This caused them to stab, throw rocks, and beat the aforementioned leopard, until some forest guards eventually shot it with a tranquilizer. In the end, 11 people were hurt, and one leopard died (due to the stabbing). On the bright side, the attack really brought the village together.
Go to the beach:
What's that in the sand? Oh rotting corpse. No big deal, probably some hooker who changed her price. Oh wait, hookers are rarely 30 feet long (not since that one time). This is probably a whale of some kind, but maybe its a shark of some kind. We can argue all night long about what it could be, but we can all agree that there is rotting sea monster porn somewhere on the Internet by now (the Internet is a dark and magical place like that).
Get your feet wet:
Like three folks did at Yosemite. As you could have guessed (because this I'm writing this) the three folks ate it hard, and died. These three (for lack of a better word) idiots, decided to ignore warning signs, go under a railing, and stand on a rock in the middle of the river leading to a 317 foot waterfall drop. This didn't end well. They fell in and went over the falls. They fell, hard. The three were described as "church role models." I'm unsure why they need the church qualifier there. Maybe church means that reading or common sense are not things one uses for church styled role modeling. My favorite part in all of this, is that Yosemite officials are not adding any more warnings or changing the railing. People like this were going to get picked off by nature at some point soon anyway, it wasn't the waterfalls' fault.
Go to a concert:
Like a nice Cheap Trick concert in Canada. During Cheap Trick's set during the Ottawa Bluesfest, wind got fucking serious. The stage went down faster than Michele Bachmann's husband in a room full of glory holes. This story was pretty uneventful, aside from making Cheap Trick relevant again (even if only for a moment). No one went all Great White, and got stampeded/burned to death. No one got straight up murdered, like Dimebag Darrell at that Pantera show (granted, that moment was very metal, its just a shame it didn't happen at a U2 concert (I mean how hard would it be to kill Dimebag at a U2 concert?)). It also wasn't a huge tragedy, that every Dave Matthews Band concert is.
You could always just go through with the suicide approach. I don't want to tell you how to live your death.
Scott
Holy fucking shit, it is hot outside! I'm sure you've noticed this by now (If not, stay inside! Whatever you do, stay inside!). A weather expert (wexpert?) has been quoted, "It is hotter than the Devil's taint out there!" That expert may have been me. It is so skin bubbling hot, that my tears boil upon hitting the open air. If you are anything like me, you contemplate suicide (a permanent solution to every problem) every three seconds where you are open to the elements. My latest suicide fantasy involves committing seppuku. My reasoning is two fold: 1.) I think that the sudden lack of intestines, and the breeze entering my torso cavity, would have a nice cooling effect before i pass on. 2.) I deserve to die, with honor. Sometimes, you just can't find a sword, so here are some other things you can do to cope with the grueling heat (in typical Another Internet Blog fashion, these will be full of death and mayhem):
Play with some animals:
Like a leopard. In India, a leopard wandered into a village and freaked the shit out. Spots was overwhelmed by all the folks screaming "HOLY SHIT THERE'S A FUCKING LEOPARD HERE!" (again I am not good with foreign languages), and he started swiping people. This caused them to stab, throw rocks, and beat the aforementioned leopard, until some forest guards eventually shot it with a tranquilizer. In the end, 11 people were hurt, and one leopard died (due to the stabbing). On the bright side, the attack really brought the village together.
Go to the beach:
What's that in the sand? Oh rotting corpse. No big deal, probably some hooker who changed her price. Oh wait, hookers are rarely 30 feet long (not since that one time). This is probably a whale of some kind, but maybe its a shark of some kind. We can argue all night long about what it could be, but we can all agree that there is rotting sea monster porn somewhere on the Internet by now (the Internet is a dark and magical place like that).
Get your feet wet:
Like three folks did at Yosemite. As you could have guessed (because this I'm writing this) the three folks ate it hard, and died. These three (for lack of a better word) idiots, decided to ignore warning signs, go under a railing, and stand on a rock in the middle of the river leading to a 317 foot waterfall drop. This didn't end well. They fell in and went over the falls. They fell, hard. The three were described as "church role models." I'm unsure why they need the church qualifier there. Maybe church means that reading or common sense are not things one uses for church styled role modeling. My favorite part in all of this, is that Yosemite officials are not adding any more warnings or changing the railing. People like this were going to get picked off by nature at some point soon anyway, it wasn't the waterfalls' fault.
Go to a concert:
Like a nice Cheap Trick concert in Canada. During Cheap Trick's set during the Ottawa Bluesfest, wind got fucking serious. The stage went down faster than Michele Bachmann's husband in a room full of glory holes. This story was pretty uneventful, aside from making Cheap Trick relevant again (even if only for a moment). No one went all Great White, and got stampeded/burned to death. No one got straight up murdered, like Dimebag Darrell at that Pantera show (granted, that moment was very metal, its just a shame it didn't happen at a U2 concert (I mean how hard would it be to kill Dimebag at a U2 concert?)). It also wasn't a huge tragedy, that every Dave Matthews Band concert is.
You could always just go through with the suicide approach. I don't want to tell you how to live your death.
Scott
Monday, July 18, 2011
Mondays just got awesome
Dear Reader,
Do you wish you could read more nonsense from me? Do you wish there was some other website I wrote for, that had other people also writing for it so you could avoid my articles? If you answered yes to one or more of those options, then today is your lucky day! Today is the launch of a new website called The Buffet Table (fun fact: if you look up the similar url website of thebuffet.tumblr.com, you get a website chock full of wang).
The Buffet Table will be updated every Monday, Wednesday, & Friday. I will be posting something on there every Monday. My first post is all about rocking your fucking face off.
Maybe this will make me update here more,
Scott
Do you wish you could read more nonsense from me? Do you wish there was some other website I wrote for, that had other people also writing for it so you could avoid my articles? If you answered yes to one or more of those options, then today is your lucky day! Today is the launch of a new website called The Buffet Table (fun fact: if you look up the similar url website of thebuffet.tumblr.com, you get a website chock full of wang).
The Buffet Table will be updated every Monday, Wednesday, & Friday. I will be posting something on there every Monday. My first post is all about rocking your fucking face off.
Maybe this will make me update here more,
Scott
Friday, July 8, 2011
Casey Anthony vs. OJ Simpson
Dear Reader,
As I'm sure you heard, there's a new OJ in town. As you know, I am a HUGE The Juice fan. And Casey Anthony is no Mr. Simpson. You are aware of Casey Anthony right (if not, then congratulations on just being born? I am honored that you have chosen my site to visit at such a young age. (Where are your parents? Shouldn't they be watching you? (They are just like Casey Anthony. (Oh right, you don't know who she is. Read on.))))? Good, then I don't need to go into great detail.
But Scott, they are the same, OJ & CA, they got away with murder! First of all, don't yell at me. Second of all, let me explain:
Difference 1: Evidence. There was so much more evidence against my boy. Only through his cunning was he able to avoid the slammer. There wasn't a lot of evidence against Cassy Anthy. There was no DNA. All the prosecution had was that she probably killed her daughter. I probably did a lot of things, doesn't mean I did them. But she went out partying when her daughter was missing/dead! Again with the yelling. Just because she went on a month long bender, entered a hot body contest (did we ever find out if she won?), and got "Bella Vita" (I think it's Italian for "Beautiful Life" or "I Totes Just Killed My Daughter," I don't know. I'm bad at foreign languages) tattooed on her shoulder, right after her daughter was no longer with us, that doesn't make her a murderer. It is not normal behavior, but we all cope with loss differently. I yell obscenities to the clergy, when I'm feeling down ("Hey fuck you Archbishop Glenn!"). In cases like this you need to prove guilt, not innocence. The prosecution did a much better job against Orenthal.
Difference 2: She's a chick. Duh OJ was totally a dude.
Difference 3: Difficulty. OJ "didn't" kill two adult people. That is hard work, even if you are an amazing athlete and actor. Case Dogg "didn't" kill a small child. That is super easy. Children today are really easy to kill (they don't even have good knife technique).
Difference 4: The future. OJ's future is fucked. He got locked up for bullshit charges in Las Vegas, when he was trying to get his own stuff back. He has to pay all the money he makes to the families of those he "didn't" kill. He wasn't even aloud to release his book about if he hypothetically killed Nicole and Ron. Casey's future is much different (and a lot brighter). She has already been offered a porn contract (say what you will about her actions, she is still attractive), she will get book deals (I hope a parenting book!), and who knows what else. And guys, she's single. I'm sure a bunch of guys will want to tap that. She's crazy, loves to party, and if you knock her up, you know she will take care of the kid. Not OJ, poor poor OJ, he is stuck in jail until 2017 (the earliest!). He'll be 70 then.
Difference 5: A different future. OJ is "not" killing anyone again anytime soon. Casey, however, has time. She could have another kid. That kid could disappear. Maybe then, she will get the justice, that everyone longs for.
So, you see, Cassy Tony is nothing like Detective Nordberg. She may be able to play for the BIlls (they need help), but that would be the extent of their similarities. I guess, now that the trial is over, America has to focus on ourselves. We hate doing that.
On a sad note, the last NASA space shuttle launched today. It is sad that NASA won't be sending heroes into space anymore. Going to space is never routine.
Yes, I care more about going to space than Caylee Anthony,
Scott
As I'm sure you heard, there's a new OJ in town. As you know, I am a HUGE The Juice fan. And Casey Anthony is no Mr. Simpson. You are aware of Casey Anthony right (if not, then congratulations on just being born? I am honored that you have chosen my site to visit at such a young age. (Where are your parents? Shouldn't they be watching you? (They are just like Casey Anthony. (Oh right, you don't know who she is. Read on.))))? Good, then I don't need to go into great detail.
But Scott, they are the same, OJ & CA, they got away with murder! First of all, don't yell at me. Second of all, let me explain:
Difference 1: Evidence. There was so much more evidence against my boy. Only through his cunning was he able to avoid the slammer. There wasn't a lot of evidence against Cassy Anthy. There was no DNA. All the prosecution had was that she probably killed her daughter. I probably did a lot of things, doesn't mean I did them. But she went out partying when her daughter was missing/dead! Again with the yelling. Just because she went on a month long bender, entered a hot body contest (did we ever find out if she won?), and got "Bella Vita" (I think it's Italian for "Beautiful Life" or "I Totes Just Killed My Daughter," I don't know. I'm bad at foreign languages) tattooed on her shoulder, right after her daughter was no longer with us, that doesn't make her a murderer. It is not normal behavior, but we all cope with loss differently. I yell obscenities to the clergy, when I'm feeling down ("Hey fuck you Archbishop Glenn!"). In cases like this you need to prove guilt, not innocence. The prosecution did a much better job against Orenthal.
Difference 2: She's a chick. Duh OJ was totally a dude.
Difference 3: Difficulty. OJ "didn't" kill two adult people. That is hard work, even if you are an amazing athlete and actor. Case Dogg "didn't" kill a small child. That is super easy. Children today are really easy to kill (they don't even have good knife technique).
Difference 4: The future. OJ's future is fucked. He got locked up for bullshit charges in Las Vegas, when he was trying to get his own stuff back. He has to pay all the money he makes to the families of those he "didn't" kill. He wasn't even aloud to release his book about if he hypothetically killed Nicole and Ron. Casey's future is much different (and a lot brighter). She has already been offered a porn contract (say what you will about her actions, she is still attractive), she will get book deals (I hope a parenting book!), and who knows what else. And guys, she's single. I'm sure a bunch of guys will want to tap that. She's crazy, loves to party, and if you knock her up, you know she will take care of the kid. Not OJ, poor poor OJ, he is stuck in jail until 2017 (the earliest!). He'll be 70 then.
Difference 5: A different future. OJ is "not" killing anyone again anytime soon. Casey, however, has time. She could have another kid. That kid could disappear. Maybe then, she will get the justice, that everyone longs for.
So, you see, Cassy Tony is nothing like Detective Nordberg. She may be able to play for the BIlls (they need help), but that would be the extent of their similarities. I guess, now that the trial is over, America has to focus on ourselves. We hate doing that.
On a sad note, the last NASA space shuttle launched today. It is sad that NASA won't be sending heroes into space anymore. Going to space is never routine.
Yes, I care more about going to space than Caylee Anthony,
Scott
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
What is this place?
Dear Reader,
Oh hi, friend. I won't even apologize for my lack of updates. I do this so often that saying "I'm sorry" would be worthless. At least it was a quiet couple months since I last put finger to keyboard. Let's take a look at the ol' Interwebs to double check and make sure I missed nothing important. Oh fuck...
In March a giant tentacle rape monster attacked Japan. The attack was reported as an earthquake and a tsunami. Anyone who has typed Japan into the Internet knows that their major contributions are Pokemon and horrific porn. It was only a matter of time before one of their creations leaked into the real world. The rape monster was much like Falcor at the end of the Never Ending Story (that doesn't even make sense) movie. Being ridden by a child hell bent on revenge on a world that wronged him (who names a kid Bastian anyway?). The rape monster attacked the Fukushima nuclear plant in an attempt to create more creatures like itself. Since this happened to non-white people in a land far, far away, we only cared until April something.
Towards the end of April a couple of British folks got married and for some reason we all gave a shit. I think that reason was because the world could finally see what true love is all about and/or we thought it was the conclusion to the Harry Potter movies. Will Harry defeat He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named? Can Ron seal the deal with Hermione? Will they show Dobby dying again (fuck that elf (please don't fuck that elf, it won't end well))? Will they explain why Harry and Hermione said "Merry Christmas to each other in the last film (they are English! It's Happy Christmas there! Everyone knows that!)? It turns out that it was not the thrilling conclusion to the great story ever told. The two just got hitched and played a quick game of Quidditch (I think Puddlemere United won).
Next a team of six Disney cartoon seals killed a crazy old man who had failing kidneys. In case you couldn't figure it out I meant Osama bin Laden. OBL was hiding out in the most frightening place known to man, the suburbs. That's right, he was in Bud Abbottabad (right next to Lou Costellistan) the whole time. Fun fact about Abbottabad: Wikipedia only mentions bin Laden once (you'd think he would be in there for more than a brief sentence). The world has never been so happy to see someone die.
Speaking of dead things, Nate Dogg and "Macho Man" Randy Savage also died. This got me thinking (probably not the best thing), we should kill off celebrities more often. It's much to often the case that our beloved childhood stars die off way past their prime. I think we should borrow a term from bowling, the turkey. Three strikes is a turkey, in bowling. Each bad movie/album/book/sex tape, will be a strike. When a celebrity makes three strikes they will be a turkey, and be killed like a real turkey on Thanksgiving (it really would have been easier if I just went with a baseball reference, but it's not like there is a button to just make what I wrote go away). Anyway, I would much rather remember Pacino and De Niro as great actors instead of the parodies of themselves that they have become. It is a crime that Leslie Nielsen will be remembered as the old guy in the Scary Movie movies (sorry for the redundancy). Not all famous people are as kind as Heath Ledger.
I'm sure you heard of the most recent scandal in Congress. I am of course referring to Anthony Weiner sending pictures of his namesake to some ladies. The media has taken this story as an excuse to cram as many cock puns, that they can pull out of their ass, down our throats. Now I love a good pun as much as the next guy (that guy fucking loves puns), but these junk puns got old, quickly. Furthermore, why did Mr. Weiner have to take advice from a Taio Cruz and Ke$ha?
Then, Congressman Darrell Issa is trying to get to the bottom of a sticky situation (not that kind of sticky, perv). It would seem that the Phoenix ATF gave a bunch of guns to gun traffickers so they could trace where the guns went. If you think this is a stupid idea, then you clearly don't work for the government. As you can guess, they lost track of the guns, and the guns were used to kill people. Issa is trying to find out who had this great idea. I'm sure all of that is noteworthy somehow, the part that piqued my interest as the name of this operation: Fast and Furious. Really? We are naming ATF operations after Vin Diesel movies? It's the fourth in the Fast and Furious franchise! Was operation 2 Fast 2 Furious a bit too on the nose?
Finally, Lebronny Bron Bron James and the Miami Wades (poor forgettable Bosh) lost to Mark Cuban and the Nowitzki Express, in basketball. James held a big televised event to explain what happened. It was called The Explanation. It was an hour and fifty eight minutes of bullshit until the end where he said, "I only take my talents to the end of the third quarter." Cleveland, is still a horrible place to be.
Maybe I missed a thing or two,
Scott
Oh hi, friend. I won't even apologize for my lack of updates. I do this so often that saying "I'm sorry" would be worthless. At least it was a quiet couple months since I last put finger to keyboard. Let's take a look at the ol' Interwebs to double check and make sure I missed nothing important. Oh fuck...
In March a giant tentacle rape monster attacked Japan. The attack was reported as an earthquake and a tsunami. Anyone who has typed Japan into the Internet knows that their major contributions are Pokemon and horrific porn. It was only a matter of time before one of their creations leaked into the real world. The rape monster was much like Falcor at the end of the Never Ending Story (that doesn't even make sense) movie. Being ridden by a child hell bent on revenge on a world that wronged him (who names a kid Bastian anyway?). The rape monster attacked the Fukushima nuclear plant in an attempt to create more creatures like itself. Since this happened to non-white people in a land far, far away, we only cared until April something.
Towards the end of April a couple of British folks got married and for some reason we all gave a shit. I think that reason was because the world could finally see what true love is all about and/or we thought it was the conclusion to the Harry Potter movies. Will Harry defeat He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named? Can Ron seal the deal with Hermione? Will they show Dobby dying again (fuck that elf (please don't fuck that elf, it won't end well))? Will they explain why Harry and Hermione said "Merry Christmas to each other in the last film (they are English! It's Happy Christmas there! Everyone knows that!)? It turns out that it was not the thrilling conclusion to the great story ever told. The two just got hitched and played a quick game of Quidditch (I think Puddlemere United won).
Next a team of six Disney cartoon seals killed a crazy old man who had failing kidneys. In case you couldn't figure it out I meant Osama bin Laden. OBL was hiding out in the most frightening place known to man, the suburbs. That's right, he was in Bud Abbottabad (right next to Lou Costellistan) the whole time. Fun fact about Abbottabad: Wikipedia only mentions bin Laden once (you'd think he would be in there for more than a brief sentence). The world has never been so happy to see someone die.
Speaking of dead things, Nate Dogg and "Macho Man" Randy Savage also died. This got me thinking (probably not the best thing), we should kill off celebrities more often. It's much to often the case that our beloved childhood stars die off way past their prime. I think we should borrow a term from bowling, the turkey. Three strikes is a turkey, in bowling. Each bad movie/album/book/sex tape, will be a strike. When a celebrity makes three strikes they will be a turkey, and be killed like a real turkey on Thanksgiving (it really would have been easier if I just went with a baseball reference, but it's not like there is a button to just make what I wrote go away). Anyway, I would much rather remember Pacino and De Niro as great actors instead of the parodies of themselves that they have become. It is a crime that Leslie Nielsen will be remembered as the old guy in the Scary Movie movies (sorry for the redundancy). Not all famous people are as kind as Heath Ledger.
I'm sure you heard of the most recent scandal in Congress. I am of course referring to Anthony Weiner sending pictures of his namesake to some ladies. The media has taken this story as an excuse to cram as many cock puns, that they can pull out of their ass, down our throats. Now I love a good pun as much as the next guy (that guy fucking loves puns), but these junk puns got old, quickly. Furthermore, why did Mr. Weiner have to take advice from a Taio Cruz and Ke$ha?
Then, Congressman Darrell Issa is trying to get to the bottom of a sticky situation (not that kind of sticky, perv). It would seem that the Phoenix ATF gave a bunch of guns to gun traffickers so they could trace where the guns went. If you think this is a stupid idea, then you clearly don't work for the government. As you can guess, they lost track of the guns, and the guns were used to kill people. Issa is trying to find out who had this great idea. I'm sure all of that is noteworthy somehow, the part that piqued my interest as the name of this operation: Fast and Furious. Really? We are naming ATF operations after Vin Diesel movies? It's the fourth in the Fast and Furious franchise! Was operation 2 Fast 2 Furious a bit too on the nose?
Finally, Lebronny Bron Bron James and the Miami Wades (poor forgettable Bosh) lost to Mark Cuban and the Nowitzki Express, in basketball. James held a big televised event to explain what happened. It was called The Explanation. It was an hour and fifty eight minutes of bullshit until the end where he said, "I only take my talents to the end of the third quarter." Cleveland, is still a horrible place to be.
Maybe I missed a thing or two,
Scott
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Birds are assholes
Dear Reader,
I think I speak for everyone when I say, "Birds are a waste of time and energy." They really bring nothing to the table. Well, unless they are the meal, but then they are being brought to the table (which is completely different). Our avian enemies are only useful when they are dead (like people from Seattle (I'm talking about you Kurt Cobain)).
First of all, I don't trust things with no hands. Things with no hands do way too much with their face. "But Scott, other animals like fish, snakes, spiders, and bugs don't have hands either!" Who said that? It doesn't matter, I will address each of these animals now. Fish are no worry, worst case scenario, you get eaten by a shark (awesome way to die!), which, if you can read in parenthesis, is an awesome way to die. Also, you can avoid fish mishaps (fishaps?) by getting out of the water. Snakes are also fine, sure they may poison your face off, but Harry Potter can talk to them. Spiders and bugs, are fucking terrible! Didn't you read the last one of these I wrote? Also you can just step on those fuckers.
Secondly, they ruined the dinosaurs. The best animals to ever exist were the dinosaurs. Go watch Jurassic Park. How awesome was that? Very is the answer. The dinosaurs are extinct now (whenever I think of this, I pour out a 40), they (d)evolved into the modern bird. Birds destroyed they greatest animals ever, they cannot be forgiven.
Third, Alfred Hitchcock used them to scare people. In the movie Birds, birds terrorized everyone and everything (like birds are wont to do). As I am well aware, every movie Alfie directed is based on truth (every morning a transvestite tried to stab me to death while I shower (It is getting old, Maurice!)).
Those are fine (great even) reasons to hate birds, but they are a bit too general. I also hate the winged demons because they hate me.
When I was four years old, I was chased by an albino peacock in an aviary. This is why I hate white people, and can't watch NBC without screaming in terror.
I've been shit on by a bird. Again, I was in an aviary (why do I keep finding myself in these places?), and I was trying to feed a bird. I was willing to put my animosity aside and be the bigger man. The bird tipped the food over, and shat on me. Anything that shits on you, is not your friend. I include newborns in that too.
I've lived in the New York City area for almost five years, and on two occasions a pigeon has flown into my head. What the fucking fuck?! This segues nicely into the most sinister reason to hate these douche bags.
Angry Birds. I am sure you have played this game, or have lost friends because they do nothing but play this game. The antisocial nature of this game is not as bad as the fact that Angry Birds supports terrorism.
The "protagonists" of this game fly into buildings trying to kill pigs. They FLY INTO BUILDINGS! Who else did that? I may be mistaken, but I am pretty sure it was the terrorists. Remember 9/11? Clearly you don't (the flag pins are not working!). Not only that, but your birds die when they hit the building. You are playing a game, where you are suicide bombers. Giuliani would be so pissed at you.
"But I'm only attacking the pigs, because they stole my eggs! MY EGGS!" Really, who keeps interrupting? Oh boo hoo they stole your eggs, you sound like those terrorists, and highjackers who attack people to have their terrorist buddies released from prison. You also sound like terrorists who hate Israel for taking the eggs (land) from the Muslims. So now you are not just playing a suicide bomber in a game, you are sympathizing with them. This is how they recruit.
Before you go interrupting again, let's just address the fact that you are attacking fat green pigs, instead of people. It's only a minor leap from fat pigs to fat cats (bankers (the Jews)). That last one may be a bit of a stretch, but that does not excuse the fact that birds are evil.
By now, I am fairly confident that you agree with me on this whole bird thing. Need I remind you how they tried to kill Captain Sully? I didn't think so. Oh wait, I just thought of another one. Nazis marched in the style of the goose step. Goose is a type of bird. Therefore all birds are Nazis.
Where was I? "Something positive about birds I think." Oh yea, they are great fo- hey I saw what you did there. What I propose is that we enslave the birds. We can't just kill them all off (remember they are only good for the eating). Wait now I'm sounding like a Nazi. Maybe, I'm no better than they are. Maybe, I'm just blowing this all out of proportion. Oh wait, I was just playing Oregon Trail and an eagle took my child away. Kill 'em.
Why don't I have a show on Animal Planet?
Scott
I think I speak for everyone when I say, "Birds are a waste of time and energy." They really bring nothing to the table. Well, unless they are the meal, but then they are being brought to the table (which is completely different). Our avian enemies are only useful when they are dead (like people from Seattle (I'm talking about you Kurt Cobain)).
First of all, I don't trust things with no hands. Things with no hands do way too much with their face. "But Scott, other animals like fish, snakes, spiders, and bugs don't have hands either!" Who said that? It doesn't matter, I will address each of these animals now. Fish are no worry, worst case scenario, you get eaten by a shark (awesome way to die!), which, if you can read in parenthesis, is an awesome way to die. Also, you can avoid fish mishaps (fishaps?) by getting out of the water. Snakes are also fine, sure they may poison your face off, but Harry Potter can talk to them. Spiders and bugs, are fucking terrible! Didn't you read the last one of these I wrote? Also you can just step on those fuckers.
Secondly, they ruined the dinosaurs. The best animals to ever exist were the dinosaurs. Go watch Jurassic Park. How awesome was that? Very is the answer. The dinosaurs are extinct now (whenever I think of this, I pour out a 40), they (d)evolved into the modern bird. Birds destroyed they greatest animals ever, they cannot be forgiven.
Third, Alfred Hitchcock used them to scare people. In the movie Birds, birds terrorized everyone and everything (like birds are wont to do). As I am well aware, every movie Alfie directed is based on truth (every morning a transvestite tried to stab me to death while I shower (It is getting old, Maurice!)).
Those are fine (great even) reasons to hate birds, but they are a bit too general. I also hate the winged demons because they hate me.
When I was four years old, I was chased by an albino peacock in an aviary. This is why I hate white people, and can't watch NBC without screaming in terror.
I've been shit on by a bird. Again, I was in an aviary (why do I keep finding myself in these places?), and I was trying to feed a bird. I was willing to put my animosity aside and be the bigger man. The bird tipped the food over, and shat on me. Anything that shits on you, is not your friend. I include newborns in that too.
I've lived in the New York City area for almost five years, and on two occasions a pigeon has flown into my head. What the fucking fuck?! This segues nicely into the most sinister reason to hate these douche bags.
Angry Birds. I am sure you have played this game, or have lost friends because they do nothing but play this game. The antisocial nature of this game is not as bad as the fact that Angry Birds supports terrorism.
The "protagonists" of this game fly into buildings trying to kill pigs. They FLY INTO BUILDINGS! Who else did that? I may be mistaken, but I am pretty sure it was the terrorists. Remember 9/11? Clearly you don't (the flag pins are not working!). Not only that, but your birds die when they hit the building. You are playing a game, where you are suicide bombers. Giuliani would be so pissed at you.
"But I'm only attacking the pigs, because they stole my eggs! MY EGGS!" Really, who keeps interrupting? Oh boo hoo they stole your eggs, you sound like those terrorists, and highjackers who attack people to have their terrorist buddies released from prison. You also sound like terrorists who hate Israel for taking the eggs (land) from the Muslims. So now you are not just playing a suicide bomber in a game, you are sympathizing with them. This is how they recruit.
Before you go interrupting again, let's just address the fact that you are attacking fat green pigs, instead of people. It's only a minor leap from fat pigs to fat cats (bankers (the Jews)). That last one may be a bit of a stretch, but that does not excuse the fact that birds are evil.
By now, I am fairly confident that you agree with me on this whole bird thing. Need I remind you how they tried to kill Captain Sully? I didn't think so. Oh wait, I just thought of another one. Nazis marched in the style of the goose step. Goose is a type of bird. Therefore all birds are Nazis.
Where was I? "Something positive about birds I think." Oh yea, they are great fo- hey I saw what you did there. What I propose is that we enslave the birds. We can't just kill them all off (remember they are only good for the eating). Wait now I'm sounding like a Nazi. Maybe, I'm no better than they are. Maybe, I'm just blowing this all out of proportion. Oh wait, I was just playing Oregon Trail and an eagle took my child away. Kill 'em.
Why don't I have a show on Animal Planet?
Scott
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
VROOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!
Dear Reader,
I know I never posted the 5th installment of the first birthday of this blog. It won't happen. Once we learn to not expect so much form me, the happier we will all be. With all of that out of the way; I would like to take a moment to write about automobile related shenanigans (AIB style).
On March 4th, David Arquette got himself into a little head-on (apply directly to the forehead) collision. The marks the only time Arqueazy has been relevant since the Scream movie franchise ended (remember Neve Campbell? No? Yea, me neither). This could have really helped the sale of his merchandise, if he died. Sadly, he survived (between him and Junior I'm beginning to think I'll never get the celebrity car death I want). He wasn't even wearing a seat belt! He even tweeted to say he wasn't. He also tweeted that he was fine "...luckily I have dragon blood running through my veins..." Easy now, Davey. Do no parody the great Charlie Sheen. He is the only man with any kind of awesome non-human blood in him.
Enough with DA not dying. Let's move on to a good old fashioned car recall. Mazda is recalling 52,000 car because the vent line has a high risk of getting clogged. By spider webs. These cars come out of the factory INFESTED WITH SPIDERS! First of all, what the fuck Mazda? And second of all, WHAT THE FUCK MAZDA?! The worst thing to put in anything else is spiders. A spider filled spider is what you see right before you die. Forget sticky gas pedals, or broken brakes, or even car bombs, this is the scariest car related story ever.
Let's say for some reason the spiders don't bother you (you are a fearless person, and I am in awe by you (you also probably don't exist)), the webs they spin cause severe blockages in the vent the inhabit. These blockages then cause the fucking car to explode. So not only are you driving a spider nest, you are driving an exploding spider nest. These cars are proof that there is no god.
But wait, there's more! The douchecases over at PETA do not want you to have Mazda fix your car, that would kill the hive of doom. They want you to donate your arachno-deathmobile to them! If you need any more proof that PETA is a horrible organization seeking world domination, look no further than their fleet of exploding spider wagons.
Fuck you Mazda, fuck you PETA,
Scott
I know I never posted the 5th installment of the first birthday of this blog. It won't happen. Once we learn to not expect so much form me, the happier we will all be. With all of that out of the way; I would like to take a moment to write about automobile related shenanigans (AIB style).
On March 4th, David Arquette got himself into a little head-on (apply directly to the forehead) collision. The marks the only time Arqueazy has been relevant since the Scream movie franchise ended (remember Neve Campbell? No? Yea, me neither). This could have really helped the sale of his merchandise, if he died. Sadly, he survived (between him and Junior I'm beginning to think I'll never get the celebrity car death I want). He wasn't even wearing a seat belt! He even tweeted to say he wasn't. He also tweeted that he was fine "...luckily I have dragon blood running through my veins..." Easy now, Davey. Do no parody the great Charlie Sheen. He is the only man with any kind of awesome non-human blood in him.
Enough with DA not dying. Let's move on to a good old fashioned car recall. Mazda is recalling 52,000 car because the vent line has a high risk of getting clogged. By spider webs. These cars come out of the factory INFESTED WITH SPIDERS! First of all, what the fuck Mazda? And second of all, WHAT THE FUCK MAZDA?! The worst thing to put in anything else is spiders. A spider filled spider is what you see right before you die. Forget sticky gas pedals, or broken brakes, or even car bombs, this is the scariest car related story ever.
Let's say for some reason the spiders don't bother you (you are a fearless person, and I am in awe by you (you also probably don't exist)), the webs they spin cause severe blockages in the vent the inhabit. These blockages then cause the fucking car to explode. So not only are you driving a spider nest, you are driving an exploding spider nest. These cars are proof that there is no god.
But wait, there's more! The douchecases over at PETA do not want you to have Mazda fix your car, that would kill the hive of doom. They want you to donate your arachno-deathmobile to them! If you need any more proof that PETA is a horrible organization seeking world domination, look no further than their fleet of exploding spider wagons.
Fuck you Mazda, fuck you PETA,
Scott
Friday, February 25, 2011
The celebration got a little out of hand
Dear Reader,
Happy birthday AIB 4:
Charlie Sheen
I am sure you have heard about Charlie Sheen's antics. Here is a list of some of the shenanigans he has gotten into recently:
He was hospitalized after a 36 hour drug fueled party at his house (very impressive, especially since I can't just live my normal life without having to sleep after 12 hours (also he did that on drugs, when the man parties, he parties (Andrew WK could learn a thing or two from Sheeny))).
At a party there was a briefcase full of cocaine (More things need to be measure by the briefcase full. "There was a briefcase full of kidneys stolen form the morgue today.").
He wrote a check for $30,000 to, porn star, Kasey Jordan for sex (That's for sex with one woman! He could have sex with like 30 whores at $1,000 a piece, or 1,000 freakish (amputees, fat, Belgian) whore at $30 a piece.)
There will be a porn based on Charlie Sheen (I think Morgan Freeman is going to dot he narration!).
That list is all based off of the same party. That is just Charlie being Charlie. Here is a basic summation of Mr. Sheen's life: womanizing, party boy named Charlie. He is also, until recently, the star of CBS's hit sitcom Two and a Half Men; where he plays a womanizing party boy named Charlie (they really are not that creative over at CBS). I hear the show is about two guys and a kid (the kid is the half man), and not about two guys who must find a way to deal with a bloody torso (and the antics they get into). Since that show is not about a bloody torso, I have never seen it. However, when Fox buys the rights for the gritty reboot, I already wrote the script for the pilot episode!
Anyway, you may have noticed (I can't get anything by you) that I wrote "until recently" about Sheen's involvement in TAAHM, that's because they have cancelled production for the rest of the season (maybe forever). This is all do to a rant Charlie went on, in a radio interview. Here are some of the word bombs he drops in the aforementioned interview:
He calls Chuck Lorre (writer/creator of 2 & 1/2 Men) a charlatan and Chaim (which is either anti Semitic or in reference to Lorre's real first name).
He is tired of pretending to be perfect and he is tired of everyone trying to analyze him. He wants the world to just "enjoy the show." (At least he is aware that as a celeb. he is only a piece of meet to us. I think he is a breath of fresh air, in a world where every famous person has to apologize and go to rehab with they fuck up.)
He is the only one on TAAHM who has any fans. If it wasn't for him they would be nothing (you really can't argue with that).
He has turned Lorre's "tin cans" into "gold" (Rumpelstiltskin's got nothing on Chuck Sheen!).
When asked if he was not going to put up with people pushing him around anymore, he said this, "It’s yeah, it’s an understatement, you know it’s, I’m sorry man I got magic and I got poetry at my fingertips most of the time and this includes naps. I’m an F-18 and I will destroy you in the air and I will deploy my ordnance to the ground." (I wake up everyday and say that.)
Who wants to wager some money on whether or not CS will be dead by the end of the year? My money is on him eating the big one by November. Check back then to see if I'm right.
Until then I'm going to party with Charlie,
Scott
Happy birthday AIB 4:
Charlie Sheen
I am sure you have heard about Charlie Sheen's antics. Here is a list of some of the shenanigans he has gotten into recently:
He was hospitalized after a 36 hour drug fueled party at his house (very impressive, especially since I can't just live my normal life without having to sleep after 12 hours (also he did that on drugs, when the man parties, he parties (Andrew WK could learn a thing or two from Sheeny))).
At a party there was a briefcase full of cocaine (More things need to be measure by the briefcase full. "There was a briefcase full of kidneys stolen form the morgue today.").
He wrote a check for $30,000 to, porn star, Kasey Jordan for sex (That's for sex with one woman! He could have sex with like 30 whores at $1,000 a piece, or 1,000 freakish (amputees, fat, Belgian) whore at $30 a piece.)
There will be a porn based on Charlie Sheen (I think Morgan Freeman is going to dot he narration!).
That list is all based off of the same party. That is just Charlie being Charlie. Here is a basic summation of Mr. Sheen's life: womanizing, party boy named Charlie. He is also, until recently, the star of CBS's hit sitcom Two and a Half Men; where he plays a womanizing party boy named Charlie (they really are not that creative over at CBS). I hear the show is about two guys and a kid (the kid is the half man), and not about two guys who must find a way to deal with a bloody torso (and the antics they get into). Since that show is not about a bloody torso, I have never seen it. However, when Fox buys the rights for the gritty reboot, I already wrote the script for the pilot episode!
Anyway, you may have noticed (I can't get anything by you) that I wrote "until recently" about Sheen's involvement in TAAHM, that's because they have cancelled production for the rest of the season (maybe forever). This is all do to a rant Charlie went on, in a radio interview. Here are some of the word bombs he drops in the aforementioned interview:
He calls Chuck Lorre (writer/creator of 2 & 1/2 Men) a charlatan and Chaim (which is either anti Semitic or in reference to Lorre's real first name).
He is tired of pretending to be perfect and he is tired of everyone trying to analyze him. He wants the world to just "enjoy the show." (At least he is aware that as a celeb. he is only a piece of meet to us. I think he is a breath of fresh air, in a world where every famous person has to apologize and go to rehab with they fuck up.)
He is the only one on TAAHM who has any fans. If it wasn't for him they would be nothing (you really can't argue with that).
He has turned Lorre's "tin cans" into "gold" (Rumpelstiltskin's got nothing on Chuck Sheen!).
When asked if he was not going to put up with people pushing him around anymore, he said this, "It’s yeah, it’s an understatement, you know it’s, I’m sorry man I got magic and I got poetry at my fingertips most of the time and this includes naps. I’m an F-18 and I will destroy you in the air and I will deploy my ordnance to the ground." (I wake up everyday and say that.)
Who wants to wager some money on whether or not CS will be dead by the end of the year? My money is on him eating the big one by November. Check back then to see if I'm right.
Until then I'm going to party with Charlie,
Scott
Thursday, February 24, 2011
It's not as big of a celebration!
Dear Reader,
Happy birthday AIB 3:
Paul the Octopus
Paul was the latest sensation in a long line of "psychic" animals. If you missed the World Cup, then you probably don't know who Paul is. This cephalopod correctly predicted the outcome of every German game in the 2010 World Cup, as well as the final match. How could an octopus predict soccer outcomes? Well he would try to eat a muscle from a box, that had a country's flag on it (the box, not the muscle). Amazingly, he was never wrong.
Was he psychic, or just choosing flags based on what octopi like? It is believed in community of folks who love octopi, that they like horizontal shapes, and bright colors (they, like me, are color blind but can see brightness). Also he mostly chose the right hand (tentacle?) box, so that is possibly the case as well. Also, no one mentions that he got two incorrect, when he was picking games in the UEFA Euro 2008. Also, he died before they could do extensive studying.
He had many death threats, when he picked Spain to beat Germany in the semi-final. It would appear, that there are many German people (idiots) who seriously thought Paul could control the outcomes of games. To be fair to Germans, there are idiots all over the world.
In America we have Punxsutawney Phil. If you don't know Philly (I'm glad you chose my website to go to after awaking from your coma (which you started in 1887 (wow you are really old, I'm impressed you're not dead (oh, you are dead, never mind)))), he is a groundhog that predicts how much winter America will have. I will let my dear friend (Wikipedia) give you folklore of PP:
Zoological data suggest that groundhogs have an average lifespan of ten years in captivity and six years in the wild, with a maximum lifespan of 14 years in captivity documented. Punxsutawney Phil fans say that there is only one Phil (all the other groundhog weathermen are impostors), and that he has made weather prognostications for over 121 years as of 2011. They say that every summer, Phil is given a sip of the mysterious Groundhog Elixir, which magically lengthens his life for seven years. This is done by Inner Circle members. According to the Groundhog Club, Phil, after making the prediction, speaks to the Club President in "Groundhogese", which only the Inner Circle appear to understand, and then his prediction is translated for the entire world.
The Groundhog Day celebration is rooted in a German superstition that says if a hibernating animal casts a shadow on Feb. 2, the Pagan holiday of Imbolc, winter will last another six weeks. If no shadow was seen, legend said spring would come early. Pennsylvania's prophetic rodent doesn't see much of anything. The result is decided in advance by 14 members of the Inner Circle, who don tuxedos and top hats for the event.
The people of Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania are morons. Phil has an accuracy rating of 39%, with odds like that, you're better off flipping a coin. There are only two good things about Punxy Punx. One is the movie Groundhog Day (oh Bill Murray, you are hilarious). The other (and better) thing is that the ceremony takes place in Gobbler's Knob, PA. That town, doesn't even try to hide the fact that the town is a blow job.
Back to Pauly O, he was not air bombed by the Luftwaffe. Sadly, he was only murdered by the ravages of old age (he was two). Octopi are useless.
You might think, that I am overly upset with these animals for no reason. I have a reason. They are taking attention away from my own psychic animals. That is correct, I run my own menagerie of gifted animals. I am like Professor X. from the X-Men (Patrick Stewart is also playing me in an upcoming biopic of my life). Anyway, here are some of the inhabitants of Scott's Home for Animals with Fucking Super Powers!:
Carlos, the Magnificent: Carlos is a Komodo dragon that knows if that girl you selpt with was older than eighteen (she wasn't).
Tallahassee Terrance, the Telekinetic Tiger: Quintuple T can lift balloons with his mind (balloons must first be filled with helium).
Abigail, the sloth: Abby knows where you buried that hooker.
Fantastic Rodolfo: This bear can predict when and how you will die (he needs to bite your face first (incidentally that also how you die)).
Mike the spider: Mike can always see you. He knows your fears.
The Awesome Swarm: They are a swarm of army ants. You get thrown in their tank, and they make you (with their mind powers!) regret every decision you made in life that led to that moment you were thrown in their tank.
Sebastian and Margaret: This happy couple of dolphins can levitate (briefly, it may only look like they are jumping out of the water).
And three others!
I know this isn't the largest collection of animals in the world, but psychic beings are hard to find. If you wold like a ticket to Scott's Home for Animals with Fucking Super Powers, then just email $1,000 (you can email money right?) to anotherinternetscott@gmail.com.
If the curator of the Bronx Zoo asks you about their missing animals, you did not read any of this. Also, if you know how to stop a hoard of army ants, please let me know.
Their constant tiny bites hurt ever so much,
Scott
Happy birthday AIB 3:
Paul the Octopus
Paul was the latest sensation in a long line of "psychic" animals. If you missed the World Cup, then you probably don't know who Paul is. This cephalopod correctly predicted the outcome of every German game in the 2010 World Cup, as well as the final match. How could an octopus predict soccer outcomes? Well he would try to eat a muscle from a box, that had a country's flag on it (the box, not the muscle). Amazingly, he was never wrong.
Was he psychic, or just choosing flags based on what octopi like? It is believed in community of folks who love octopi, that they like horizontal shapes, and bright colors (they, like me, are color blind but can see brightness). Also he mostly chose the right hand (tentacle?) box, so that is possibly the case as well. Also, no one mentions that he got two incorrect, when he was picking games in the UEFA Euro 2008. Also, he died before they could do extensive studying.
He had many death threats, when he picked Spain to beat Germany in the semi-final. It would appear, that there are many German people (idiots) who seriously thought Paul could control the outcomes of games. To be fair to Germans, there are idiots all over the world.
In America we have Punxsutawney Phil. If you don't know Philly (I'm glad you chose my website to go to after awaking from your coma (which you started in 1887 (wow you are really old, I'm impressed you're not dead (oh, you are dead, never mind)))), he is a groundhog that predicts how much winter America will have. I will let my dear friend (Wikipedia) give you folklore of PP:
Zoological data suggest that groundhogs have an average lifespan of ten years in captivity and six years in the wild, with a maximum lifespan of 14 years in captivity documented. Punxsutawney Phil fans say that there is only one Phil (all the other groundhog weathermen are impostors), and that he has made weather prognostications for over 121 years as of 2011. They say that every summer, Phil is given a sip of the mysterious Groundhog Elixir, which magically lengthens his life for seven years. This is done by Inner Circle members. According to the Groundhog Club, Phil, after making the prediction, speaks to the Club President in "Groundhogese", which only the Inner Circle appear to understand, and then his prediction is translated for the entire world.
The Groundhog Day celebration is rooted in a German superstition that says if a hibernating animal casts a shadow on Feb. 2, the Pagan holiday of Imbolc, winter will last another six weeks. If no shadow was seen, legend said spring would come early. Pennsylvania's prophetic rodent doesn't see much of anything. The result is decided in advance by 14 members of the Inner Circle, who don tuxedos and top hats for the event.
The people of Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania are morons. Phil has an accuracy rating of 39%, with odds like that, you're better off flipping a coin. There are only two good things about Punxy Punx. One is the movie Groundhog Day (oh Bill Murray, you are hilarious). The other (and better) thing is that the ceremony takes place in Gobbler's Knob, PA. That town, doesn't even try to hide the fact that the town is a blow job.
Back to Pauly O, he was not air bombed by the Luftwaffe. Sadly, he was only murdered by the ravages of old age (he was two). Octopi are useless.
You might think, that I am overly upset with these animals for no reason. I have a reason. They are taking attention away from my own psychic animals. That is correct, I run my own menagerie of gifted animals. I am like Professor X. from the X-Men (Patrick Stewart is also playing me in an upcoming biopic of my life). Anyway, here are some of the inhabitants of Scott's Home for Animals with Fucking Super Powers!:
Carlos, the Magnificent: Carlos is a Komodo dragon that knows if that girl you selpt with was older than eighteen (she wasn't).
Tallahassee Terrance, the Telekinetic Tiger: Quintuple T can lift balloons with his mind (balloons must first be filled with helium).
Abigail, the sloth: Abby knows where you buried that hooker.
Fantastic Rodolfo: This bear can predict when and how you will die (he needs to bite your face first (incidentally that also how you die)).
Mike the spider: Mike can always see you. He knows your fears.
The Awesome Swarm: They are a swarm of army ants. You get thrown in their tank, and they make you (with their mind powers!) regret every decision you made in life that led to that moment you were thrown in their tank.
Sebastian and Margaret: This happy couple of dolphins can levitate (briefly, it may only look like they are jumping out of the water).
And three others!
I know this isn't the largest collection of animals in the world, but psychic beings are hard to find. If you wold like a ticket to Scott's Home for Animals with Fucking Super Powers, then just email $1,000 (you can email money right?) to anotherinternetscott@gmail.com.
If the curator of the Bronx Zoo asks you about their missing animals, you did not read any of this. Also, if you know how to stop a hoard of army ants, please let me know.
Their constant tiny bites hurt ever so much,
Scott
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
It's still a celebration!
Dear Reader,
Happy birthday AIB 2:
Wikileaks
There was a big hullabaloo about a website (porn?), that was surprisingly not porn (damn). This website was WikiLeaks. Namely, the United States diplomatic cables leak.
For those of you who don't know what WikiLeaks is, I will do my best to give a very brief overview (if you search around in that link up in the last paragraph Wikipedia can tell you more than I can). Founded by many people WIkiLeaks is a website chock full o' (previously) classified documents. When it first launched, it was like all other Wiki websites, in that anyone could update any page. Wiki websites are like easy drunk chicks, anyone can get in there and mess around. This is no longer the case, now it is just the documents. The director and face of the Leaks of Wiki is Julian Assange (more on him later). The documents WikiLeaked on this site have a history of putting America in a bad light. In general, all sorts of stuff that was classified. So, that's WikiLeaks (I really should not be the one to tell you what WIkiLeaks is).
Anyway, back to why America was in a tizzy. WL started leaking the United States diplomatic cables, and that's when shit got real. In these cables were among other topics were: criticism of foreign leaders (allies and enemies), US companies' wrong doings over seas, government contractor auctioning off under age boys into sex slavery in Afghanistan, and really the list is depressing. The anti Leaks people, basically, called WikiLeaks terrorist, and that are trying to destroy America.
Julian Assange is a hero. That is my take on the Leaks. In America, we have freedom of the press. This is how we can have checks and balances on our government. Everyone knows this (one would think), but the critics seem to have forgotten that fact. If you changed the name of the leaked documents to the "North Korean diplomatic cables" then Mr. Assange would be raised on our collective shoulders. To get upset because now your country is getting shat upon (by the truth), is hypocritical. Notice that there are no people upset because these leaks are false.
You may have heard that Julian Assage raped some chicks. Two women are claiming that he raped them. The first, went on a date with Assange, at the end of the night they bumped uglies. The bumping of the aforementioned uglies was consensual, but the condom broke. She claims it was forced, but the rape charges were thrown out. OK, so how about the second lady? She went on a date with Julian, and afterward they mashed private parts (that's science talk for bumping uglies). She claims that he had unprotected sex with her while she was sleeping, the next morning. The rape charge for this was also thrown out. So now they are hoping for molestation. That didn't sound right. Now they are hoping to find JA guilty of molestation. So time will tell if he will be convicted of these claims. If he is a rapist, then he is a horrible person for that. But, that does not change his great work with WIkiLeaks.
Most of information about me on WikiLeaks is true,
Scott
Happy birthday AIB 2:
Wikileaks
There was a big hullabaloo about a website (porn?), that was surprisingly not porn (damn). This website was WikiLeaks. Namely, the United States diplomatic cables leak.
For those of you who don't know what WikiLeaks is, I will do my best to give a very brief overview (if you search around in that link up in the last paragraph Wikipedia can tell you more than I can). Founded by many people WIkiLeaks is a website chock full o' (previously) classified documents. When it first launched, it was like all other Wiki websites, in that anyone could update any page. Wiki websites are like easy drunk chicks, anyone can get in there and mess around. This is no longer the case, now it is just the documents. The director and face of the Leaks of Wiki is Julian Assange (more on him later). The documents WikiLeaked on this site have a history of putting America in a bad light. In general, all sorts of stuff that was classified. So, that's WikiLeaks (I really should not be the one to tell you what WIkiLeaks is).
Anyway, back to why America was in a tizzy. WL started leaking the United States diplomatic cables, and that's when shit got real. In these cables were among other topics were: criticism of foreign leaders (allies and enemies), US companies' wrong doings over seas, government contractor auctioning off under age boys into sex slavery in Afghanistan, and really the list is depressing. The anti Leaks people, basically, called WikiLeaks terrorist, and that are trying to destroy America.
Julian Assange is a hero. That is my take on the Leaks. In America, we have freedom of the press. This is how we can have checks and balances on our government. Everyone knows this (one would think), but the critics seem to have forgotten that fact. If you changed the name of the leaked documents to the "North Korean diplomatic cables" then Mr. Assange would be raised on our collective shoulders. To get upset because now your country is getting shat upon (by the truth), is hypocritical. Notice that there are no people upset because these leaks are false.
You may have heard that Julian Assage raped some chicks. Two women are claiming that he raped them. The first, went on a date with Assange, at the end of the night they bumped uglies. The bumping of the aforementioned uglies was consensual, but the condom broke. She claims it was forced, but the rape charges were thrown out. OK, so how about the second lady? She went on a date with Julian, and afterward they mashed private parts (that's science talk for bumping uglies). She claims that he had unprotected sex with her while she was sleeping, the next morning. The rape charge for this was also thrown out. So now they are hoping for molestation. That didn't sound right. Now they are hoping to find JA guilty of molestation. So time will tell if he will be convicted of these claims. If he is a rapist, then he is a horrible person for that. But, that does not change his great work with WIkiLeaks.
Most of information about me on WikiLeaks is true,
Scott
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
It's a celebration!
Dear Reader,
Well, it has been a year (and seven days) since I began this blog. As a way to thank you (the Reader), I was going to post an entry every weekday this week on news items I never commented on. In proper Another Internet Blog fashion, I did not start on Monday. So I guess I will have to post a new entry everyday from today (Tuesday) to Saturday. Even my "I am a week late on the anniversary" is a day late (I doubt you're surprised).
These entries may not be long or good, but they will be everyday!
Happy birthday AIB 1:
Junior Seau drives off cliff
Pretend this is October 18, 2010 (holy shit how are these midterm elections going to go? (also you're welcome for updating twice in one day (stop saying I don't post often enough))). Remember football great Junior Seau? Well, he drove off a cliff this morning. As you are well aware this blog has a rich history of folks driving off of cliffs. This story is slightly different than our previous friends, who refuse to stay on the top side of a fucking mountain, in that JS survived.
How did this happen? It turns out that Tiaina Baul Seau Jr. (his actual name) was just tuckered out and decided to take a quick naynay while driving. As you may have guessed, this is probably not the best idea, if you goal is to not drive off of a cliff.
Why was he so tired? There are three reasons:
1. It was 2:30 AM. That is pretty late to be joy riding where the world ends. Now, you might be wondering why he was driving so late. That brings us to...
2. He was released from police custody around then, and was heading home. You see, he wanted to just go home and sleep with his girlfriend. So, why was he in police custody?
3. He was there because he was arrested for allegedly beating his girlfriend (that is very tiring, no wonder he fell asleep).
So you see it makes perfect sense now. It a classic story. Man plays football, man retires from football, man meets girl, man beats girl, man gets arrested, man leaves police custody, man falls asleep whilst driving, man drives off cliff. I've seen it hundreds of times (I may or may not drug people at the DMV with NyQuil).
Anyway, TBSJ only suffered minor injuries, and his girlfriend didn't press charges. Everyone lived happily ever after.
Off to the DMV I go,
Scott
Well, it has been a year (and seven days) since I began this blog. As a way to thank you (the Reader), I was going to post an entry every weekday this week on news items I never commented on. In proper Another Internet Blog fashion, I did not start on Monday. So I guess I will have to post a new entry everyday from today (Tuesday) to Saturday. Even my "I am a week late on the anniversary" is a day late (I doubt you're surprised).
These entries may not be long or good, but they will be everyday!
Happy birthday AIB 1:
Junior Seau drives off cliff
Pretend this is October 18, 2010 (holy shit how are these midterm elections going to go? (also you're welcome for updating twice in one day (stop saying I don't post often enough))). Remember football great Junior Seau? Well, he drove off a cliff this morning. As you are well aware this blog has a rich history of folks driving off of cliffs. This story is slightly different than our previous friends, who refuse to stay on the top side of a fucking mountain, in that JS survived.
How did this happen? It turns out that Tiaina Baul Seau Jr. (his actual name) was just tuckered out and decided to take a quick naynay while driving. As you may have guessed, this is probably not the best idea, if you goal is to not drive off of a cliff.
Why was he so tired? There are three reasons:
1. It was 2:30 AM. That is pretty late to be joy riding where the world ends. Now, you might be wondering why he was driving so late. That brings us to...
2. He was released from police custody around then, and was heading home. You see, he wanted to just go home and sleep with his girlfriend. So, why was he in police custody?
3. He was there because he was arrested for allegedly beating his girlfriend (that is very tiring, no wonder he fell asleep).
So you see it makes perfect sense now. It a classic story. Man plays football, man retires from football, man meets girl, man beats girl, man gets arrested, man leaves police custody, man falls asleep whilst driving, man drives off cliff. I've seen it hundreds of times (I may or may not drug people at the DMV with NyQuil).
Anyway, TBSJ only suffered minor injuries, and his girlfriend didn't press charges. Everyone lived happily ever after.
Off to the DMV I go,
Scott
Thursday, January 20, 2011
What's your sign?
Dear Reader,
I'm sure you have heard the tragic news. The Zodiac signs we all know and love are wrong! According to astronomer Parke Kunkle (astronomer is like an astrologer in that both words start with "astro", other wise the main difference is that astronomers study the stars for scientific purposes and astrologers use the stars as an excuse to scam people out of money (astrologers are assholes)) discovered that due to the Earth's movements, the astrological signs have been realigned. Basically a whole bunch of people's Zodiac signs are shifted back. It's kind of like daylight savings time; except, instead of gaining an hour of sleep, absolutely nothing happens!
Why is this a big deal? It's not, but some people (idiots) think it is. I could go on and on about how vague the horoscopes and character profiles are, so everyone thinks their sign is them, but I wont. That will get boring, and it is obvious. The best reason people are upset about the change is that a lot of these douche nozzles got their sign tattooed on their body. That is amazing. Now that chick with a Scorpio tramp stamp isn't just a whore, she is dumb as shit too!
Also for some fucking reason there is a new Zodiac sign. Ophiuchus! What is that? Ophiuchus is a constellation that depicts a dude holding a giant snake. Is the guy a member of the religious sect of snake handlers. Snake handling is a religious ritual for some Pentecostal churches in America. More religions need dangerous animal rasslin'. This way the most annoyingly devout people, will hopefully die via animal. Ophiuchus' snake could also symbolize his wang, but only someone juvenile would point that out.
And now without further delay, I present to you some horoscopes:
Capricorn - People hate your smug attitude. Next week a person in a red hat will stab you seven times in the stomach.
Aquarius - Your lack of personal upkeep is offensive to all of the five senses. There will be trouble at your place of employment. Your boss will fire you, because of that illegal cock fighting ring you run int he break room.
Pisces - You are very lucky when it comes to matters of the opposite sex. You are going to get herpes very soon.
Aries - You live by your own rules; no one can tell you what to do. You will get too close to the bear exhibit at your local zoo. The mauling will be take a long time, and it will be extremely painful.
Taurus - You are always an optimist; everyone hates you. You will be pushed into a shark tank, it doesn't matter that it is only half full.
Gemini - You have a very good eye for fashion; no one trusts you. You will get a nice red hat and a large knife, then you will see that smug asshole from work. Go for the torso.
Cancer - You are very charitable, and you always try to get people to help the less fortunate; everyone thinks you are a poor man's Bono. You will soon be able to sit in a pool filled with the spit people launch in your direction.
Leo - You are always the "class clown" of the group. You will lose at least one arm in a hilarious chainsaw juggling mishap.
Virgo - You are a very important person, with many loyal followers. You also have even more enemies who will eliminate you in a bloody coup.
Libra - You are a very ordinary and boring person. Your days just tend to blend together. Nothing really horrible will ever happen to you, but nothing great will either. In the grand scheme of things, you don't matter.
Scorpio - You have great inner beauty. You have no outer beauty, children will constantly throw rocks at you.
Ophiuchus - You are very spiritual. A very poisonous snake will bite your junk, at your local snake handling ceremony. You will survive, but you wont want to.
Sagittarius - You are very athletic, you use this to intimidate others. You get into a scuffle with another Sagittarius. Both of you will fight with no mercy, then you will have a big make out session.
Those above 'scope are just as legit as any other you will read.
Praise be the stars!
Scott
I'm sure you have heard the tragic news. The Zodiac signs we all know and love are wrong! According to astronomer Parke Kunkle (astronomer is like an astrologer in that both words start with "astro", other wise the main difference is that astronomers study the stars for scientific purposes and astrologers use the stars as an excuse to scam people out of money (astrologers are assholes)) discovered that due to the Earth's movements, the astrological signs have been realigned. Basically a whole bunch of people's Zodiac signs are shifted back. It's kind of like daylight savings time; except, instead of gaining an hour of sleep, absolutely nothing happens!
Why is this a big deal? It's not, but some people (idiots) think it is. I could go on and on about how vague the horoscopes and character profiles are, so everyone thinks their sign is them, but I wont. That will get boring, and it is obvious. The best reason people are upset about the change is that a lot of these douche nozzles got their sign tattooed on their body. That is amazing. Now that chick with a Scorpio tramp stamp isn't just a whore, she is dumb as shit too!
Also for some fucking reason there is a new Zodiac sign. Ophiuchus! What is that? Ophiuchus is a constellation that depicts a dude holding a giant snake. Is the guy a member of the religious sect of snake handlers. Snake handling is a religious ritual for some Pentecostal churches in America. More religions need dangerous animal rasslin'. This way the most annoyingly devout people, will hopefully die via animal. Ophiuchus' snake could also symbolize his wang, but only someone juvenile would point that out.
And now without further delay, I present to you some horoscopes:
Capricorn - People hate your smug attitude. Next week a person in a red hat will stab you seven times in the stomach.
Aquarius - Your lack of personal upkeep is offensive to all of the five senses. There will be trouble at your place of employment. Your boss will fire you, because of that illegal cock fighting ring you run int he break room.
Pisces - You are very lucky when it comes to matters of the opposite sex. You are going to get herpes very soon.
Aries - You live by your own rules; no one can tell you what to do. You will get too close to the bear exhibit at your local zoo. The mauling will be take a long time, and it will be extremely painful.
Taurus - You are always an optimist; everyone hates you. You will be pushed into a shark tank, it doesn't matter that it is only half full.
Gemini - You have a very good eye for fashion; no one trusts you. You will get a nice red hat and a large knife, then you will see that smug asshole from work. Go for the torso.
Cancer - You are very charitable, and you always try to get people to help the less fortunate; everyone thinks you are a poor man's Bono. You will soon be able to sit in a pool filled with the spit people launch in your direction.
Leo - You are always the "class clown" of the group. You will lose at least one arm in a hilarious chainsaw juggling mishap.
Virgo - You are a very important person, with many loyal followers. You also have even more enemies who will eliminate you in a bloody coup.
Libra - You are a very ordinary and boring person. Your days just tend to blend together. Nothing really horrible will ever happen to you, but nothing great will either. In the grand scheme of things, you don't matter.
Scorpio - You have great inner beauty. You have no outer beauty, children will constantly throw rocks at you.
Ophiuchus - You are very spiritual. A very poisonous snake will bite your junk, at your local snake handling ceremony. You will survive, but you wont want to.
Sagittarius - You are very athletic, you use this to intimidate others. You get into a scuffle with another Sagittarius. Both of you will fight with no mercy, then you will have a big make out session.
Those above 'scope are just as legit as any other you will read.
Praise be the stars!
Scott
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