Thursday, April 7, 2011

Birds are assholes

Dear Reader,

I think I speak for everyone when I say, "Birds are a waste of time and energy." They really bring nothing to the table. Well, unless they are the meal, but then they are being brought to the table (which is completely different). Our avian enemies are only useful when they are dead (like people from Seattle (I'm talking about you Kurt Cobain)).

First of all, I don't trust things with no hands. Things with no hands do way too much with their face. "But Scott, other animals like fish, snakes, spiders, and bugs don't have hands either!" Who said that? It doesn't matter, I will address each of these animals now. Fish are no worry, worst case scenario, you get eaten by a shark (awesome way to die!), which, if you can read in parenthesis, is an awesome way to die. Also, you can avoid fish mishaps (fishaps?) by getting out of the water. Snakes are also fine, sure they may poison your face off, but Harry Potter can talk to them. Spiders and bugs, are fucking terrible! Didn't you read the last one of these I wrote? Also you can just step on those fuckers.

Secondly, they ruined the dinosaurs. The best animals to ever exist were the dinosaurs. Go watch Jurassic Park. How awesome was that? Very is the answer. The dinosaurs are extinct now (whenever I think of this, I pour out a 40), they (d)evolved into the modern bird. Birds destroyed they greatest animals ever, they cannot be forgiven.

Third, Alfred Hitchcock used them to scare people. In the movie Birds, birds terrorized everyone and everything (like birds are wont to do). As I am well aware, every movie Alfie directed is based on truth (every morning a transvestite tried to stab me to death while I shower (It is getting old, Maurice!)).

Those are fine (great even) reasons to hate birds, but they are a bit too general. I also hate the winged demons because they hate me.

When I was four years old, I was chased by an albino peacock in an aviary. This is why I hate white people, and can't watch NBC without screaming in terror.

I've been shit on by a bird. Again, I was in an aviary (why do I keep finding myself in these places?), and I was trying to feed a bird. I was willing to put my animosity aside and be the bigger man. The bird tipped the food over, and shat on me. Anything that shits on you, is not your friend. I include newborns in that too.

I've lived in the New York City area for almost five years, and on two occasions a pigeon has flown into my head. What the fucking fuck?! This segues nicely into the most sinister reason to hate these douche bags.

Angry Birds. I am sure you have played this game, or have lost friends because they do nothing but play this game. The antisocial nature of this game is not as bad as the fact that Angry Birds supports terrorism.

The "protagonists" of this game fly into buildings trying to kill pigs. They FLY INTO BUILDINGS! Who else did that? I may be mistaken, but I am pretty sure it was the terrorists. Remember 9/11? Clearly you don't (the flag pins are not working!). Not only that, but your birds die when they hit the building. You are playing a game, where you are suicide bombers. Giuliani would be so pissed at you.

"But I'm only attacking the pigs, because they stole my eggs! MY EGGS!" Really, who keeps interrupting? Oh boo hoo they stole your eggs, you sound like those terrorists, and highjackers who attack people to have their terrorist buddies released from prison. You also sound like terrorists who hate Israel for taking the eggs (land) from the Muslims. So now you are not just playing a suicide bomber in a game, you are sympathizing with them. This is how they recruit.

Before you go interrupting again, let's just address the fact that you are attacking fat green pigs, instead of people. It's only a minor leap from fat pigs to fat cats (bankers (the Jews)). That last one may be a bit of a stretch, but that does not excuse the fact that birds are evil.

By now, I am fairly confident that you agree with me on this whole bird thing. Need I remind you how they tried to kill Captain Sully? I didn't think so. Oh wait, I just thought of another one. Nazis marched in the style of the goose step. Goose is a type of bird. Therefore all birds are Nazis.

Where was I? "Something positive about birds I think." Oh yea, they are great fo- hey I saw what you did there. What I propose is that we enslave the birds. We can't just kill them all off (remember they are only good for the eating). Wait now I'm sounding like a Nazi. Maybe, I'm no better than they are. Maybe, I'm just blowing this all out of proportion. Oh wait, I was just playing Oregon Trail and an eagle took my child away. Kill 'em.

Why don't I have a show on Animal Planet?


  1. but don't birds kinda keep dinosaurs alive because they are related?

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