Thursday, September 15, 2011

So, how about them Scarlett Johansson nude photos?

Dear Reader,

Since you are clearly on the Internet (either that, or you had a friend print this out), then I assume you have sen the recently leaked pictures of Scarlett Johansson naked. If you haven't, then you are clearly doing the Internet wrong. I'm not here to show you the nude pictures, I'm here to discuss the controversy in a mature manner. OK here are the pictures. That link was not safe for work, I probably should have said that.

What happened was that Scar Jo's phone was allegedly hacked by a hacking group of hackers. It is rumored that this group has raunchy photos of fifty celebrities. Some of the lucky ladies involved in this are “Selena Gomez, Demi Lovato, Christina Aguilera, Vanessa Hudgens, Scarlett Johansson, Ali Larter, Busy Philipps, Miley Cyrus, Emma Caulfield, Addison Timlin and Renee Olstead.” (source) I don't know who half of those bitches are. I think one of them is also Hannah Montana, but no one has seen her since Miley Cyrus has become so popular.

A couple of things here. Red (I'm bad with colors) JoHan shouldn't be surprised about the fact that these pictures were leaked. Our favorite part about celebrities is seeing them naked. It is a third of the reasons why I go to the movies (the other two are graphic violence and Michael Keaton). We love naked famous people. We have an entire industry of assholes, who take pictures of rich chicks getting out of cars in the hopes of them flashing their snatch. To prove a point, here is a video of Kathy Bates naked in the movie About Schmidt. You clicked on that didn't you? You are just as bad a person as I am (congratulations?). That's my point. Celebrities only exist to promise or tease nudity. Scarsky shouldn't be shocked about her goods being displayed for all to see; she should be shocked that it took this long to happen! Also that Kathy Bates video is also not safe for work (I probably should have mentioned that. Just assume all links from here on out are likely to get you a trip to HR).

Ms. Johannesburg should also know better. Don't take naked pictures of yourself, especially if you are famous. There is no way this doesn't backfire on you. Just ask Anthony Weiner, Hayley Williams, Ke$ha (this one has the benefit of her being covered in a puddle of potential children!) or countless others. In this stupid ass world of sexting and social media, just assume that all naked pictures of you are going to be online. Especially if you are someone people care about. This is such a rampant problem that there is even a PSA about it (that last link was safe for work, or was it? Anything is possible). See, all those creepy dudes were looking at that chick on the Internet, and she's only a shitty PSA actress. SJ stood no chance of having her pictures secured to her own phone. This is why I don't take pictures of my junk. I don't need the whole Internet laughing at me.

There are three ways to handle a scandal (haha rhymes) like this:

1. Ignore it

This is the best solution. Everything blows over. In the magical world of the Interwebs, things tend to blow over very quickly. If something lasts a week on here, that's long time. If Scarry JoJo just said nothing, then this would be over in a day or two. If she gets asked about them she could just say, "It was a misstake, and it is unfortunate that these photos were leaked." Then she could go about her life.

2. Embrace it

This is the Paris Hilton method. When her sex tape was leaked, she pretty much embraced that she was a whore. She capitalized on her new found fame, and it worked out great for her. This has been seen before with Pamela Anderson (twice) and Kim Kardashian. There are two notes on this method. First, this only works if you are attractive, this didn't work out well for the wrestler China (no one wants to watch a female version of Micky Rourke get fucked). And second, you need to be marginally famous for this to not come off desperate (well extremely desperate). Since Sarlacc, is both very attractive and famous, this option is unfeasible.

3. Go to the FBI and make a big deal about it

All this does is call attention to the situation. Attention you clearly don't want, since you didn't do option 2. This is called the Barbara Streisand Effect. Like most things bearing Babs' name, this is undesirable. For a little history on the effect, let me spin you a yarn. In 2003, Barbara tried to suppress photos of her mansion from going public. Her attempts only made the public want to see the pictures more, therefore having the opposite result than what she wanted. A more recent case of this is the Anthony Weiner hoopla (you may have read about it on this very website! (you probably didn't)). The last thing you want to do in an embarrassing situation (like having your goods out for the world to see), is to make a bigger deal about the embarrassing situation.

Guess which option Scarlett chose. That's right option three! To prove exactly how bad of an idea that was, it made me write this thing you're reading now. Now all seven (a generous estimate) of my readers have seen the pictures. I am finally part of something! Granted it's the problem, not the solution, but its a start.

Don't forget to smile for the camera,

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