Tuesday, March 8, 2011

VROOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!

Dear Reader,

I know I never posted the 5th installment of the first birthday of this blog. It won't happen. Once we learn to not expect so much form me, the happier we will all be. With all of that out of the way; I would like to take a moment to write about automobile related shenanigans (AIB style).

On March 4th, David Arquette got himself into a little head-on (apply directly to the forehead) collision. The marks the only time Arqueazy has been relevant since the Scream movie franchise ended (remember Neve Campbell? No? Yea, me neither). This could have really helped the sale of his merchandise, if he died. Sadly, he survived (between him and Junior I'm beginning to think I'll never get the celebrity car death I want). He wasn't even wearing a seat belt! He even tweeted to say he wasn't. He also tweeted that he was fine "...luckily I have dragon blood running through my veins..." Easy now, Davey. Do no parody the great Charlie Sheen. He is the only man with any kind of awesome non-human blood in him.

Enough with DA not dying. Let's move on to a good old fashioned car recall. Mazda is recalling 52,000 car because the vent line has a high risk of getting clogged. By spider webs. These cars come out of the factory INFESTED WITH SPIDERS! First of all, what the fuck Mazda? And second of all, WHAT THE FUCK MAZDA?! The worst thing to put in anything else is spiders. A spider filled spider is what you see right before you die. Forget sticky gas pedals, or broken brakes, or even car bombs, this is the scariest car related story ever.

Let's say for some reason the spiders don't bother you (you are a fearless person, and I am in awe by you (you also probably don't exist)), the webs they spin cause severe blockages in the vent the inhabit. These blockages then cause the fucking car to explode. So not only are you driving a spider nest, you are driving an exploding spider nest. These cars are proof that there is no god.

But wait, there's more! The douchecases over at PETA do not want you to have Mazda fix your car, that would kill the hive of doom. They want you to donate your arachno-deathmobile to them! If you need any more proof that PETA is a horrible organization seeking world domination, look no further than their fleet of exploding spider wagons.

Fuck you Mazda, fuck you PETA,
Scott

2 comments:

  1. Maybe the PETA people will attempt to drive the exploding spider wagons, then they'll die, so then the spiders and PETA are dead. Hooray!

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  2. I'm with you Scott, absolutely terrifying.

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