Thursday, January 20, 2011

What's your sign?

Dear Reader,

I'm sure you have heard the tragic news. The Zodiac signs we all know and love are wrong! According to astronomer Parke Kunkle (astronomer is like an astrologer in that both words start with "astro", other wise the main difference is that astronomers study the stars for scientific purposes and astrologers use the stars as an excuse to scam people out of money (astrologers are assholes)) discovered that due to the Earth's movements, the astrological signs have been realigned. Basically a whole bunch of people's Zodiac signs are shifted back. It's kind of like daylight savings time; except, instead of gaining an hour of sleep, absolutely nothing happens!

Why is this a big deal? It's not, but some people (idiots) think it is. I could go on and on about how vague the horoscopes and character profiles are, so everyone thinks their sign is them, but I wont. That will get boring, and it is obvious. The best reason people are upset about the change is that a lot of these douche nozzles got their sign tattooed on their body. That is amazing. Now that chick with a Scorpio tramp stamp isn't just a whore, she is dumb as shit too!

Also for some fucking reason there is a new Zodiac sign. Ophiuchus! What is that? Ophiuchus is a constellation that depicts a dude holding a giant snake. Is the guy a member of the religious sect of snake handlers. Snake handling is a religious ritual for some Pentecostal churches in America. More religions need dangerous animal rasslin'. This way the most annoyingly devout people, will hopefully die via animal. Ophiuchus' snake could also symbolize his wang, but only someone juvenile would point that out.

And now without further delay, I present to you some horoscopes:

Capricorn - People hate your smug attitude. Next week a person in a red hat will stab you seven times in the stomach.

Aquarius - Your lack of personal upkeep is offensive to all of the five senses. There will be trouble at your place of employment. Your boss will fire you, because of that illegal cock fighting ring you run int he break room.

Pisces - You are very lucky when it comes to matters of the opposite sex. You are going to get herpes very soon.

Aries - You live by your own rules; no one can tell you what to do. You will get too close to the bear exhibit at your local zoo. The mauling will be take a long time, and it will be extremely painful.

Taurus - You are always an optimist; everyone hates you. You will be pushed into a shark tank, it doesn't matter that it is only half full.

Gemini - You have a very good eye for fashion; no one trusts you. You will get a nice red hat and a large knife, then you will see that smug asshole from work. Go for the torso.

Cancer - You are very charitable, and you always try to get people to help the less fortunate; everyone thinks you are a poor man's Bono. You will soon be able to sit in a pool filled with the spit people launch in your direction.

Leo - You are always the "class clown" of the group. You will lose at least one arm in a hilarious chainsaw juggling mishap.

Virgo - You are a very important person, with many loyal followers. You also have even more enemies who will eliminate you in a bloody coup.

Libra - You are a very ordinary and boring person. Your days just tend to blend together. Nothing really horrible will ever happen to you, but nothing great will either. In the grand scheme of things, you don't matter.

Scorpio - You have great inner beauty. You have no outer beauty, children will constantly throw rocks at you.

Ophiuchus - You are very spiritual. A very poisonous snake will bite your junk, at your local snake handling ceremony. You will survive, but you wont want to.

Sagittarius - You are very athletic, you use this to intimidate others. You get into a scuffle with another Sagittarius. Both of you will fight with no mercy, then you will have a big make out session.

Those above 'scope are just as legit as any other you will read.

Praise be the stars!

1 comment:

  1. Since I'm a poor man's Bono does that mean I'm a douche too? Stop spitting at me.