Thursday, July 21, 2011

How to have fun during the summer

Dear Reader,

Holy fucking shit, it is hot outside! I'm sure you've noticed this by now (If not, stay inside! Whatever you do, stay inside!). A weather expert (wexpert?) has been quoted, "It is hotter than the Devil's taint out there!" That expert may have been me. It is so skin bubbling hot, that my tears boil upon hitting the open air. If you are anything like me, you contemplate suicide (a permanent solution to every problem) every three seconds where you are open to the elements. My latest suicide fantasy involves committing seppuku. My reasoning is two fold: 1.) I think that the sudden lack of intestines, and the breeze entering my torso cavity, would have a nice cooling effect before i pass on. 2.) I deserve to die, with honor. Sometimes, you just can't find a sword, so here are some other things you can do to cope with the grueling heat (in typical Another Internet Blog fashion, these will be full of death and mayhem):

Play with some animals:
Like a leopard. In India, a leopard wandered into a village and freaked the shit out. Spots was overwhelmed by all the folks screaming "HOLY SHIT THERE'S A FUCKING LEOPARD HERE!" (again I am not good with foreign languages), and he started swiping people. This caused them to stab, throw rocks, and beat the aforementioned leopard, until some forest guards eventually shot it with a tranquilizer. In the end, 11 people were hurt, and one leopard died (due to the stabbing). On the bright side, the attack really brought the village together.

Go to the beach:
What's that in the sand? Oh rotting corpse. No big deal, probably some hooker who changed her price. Oh wait, hookers are rarely 30 feet long (not since that one time). This is probably a whale of some kind, but maybe its a shark of some kind. We can argue all night long about what it could be, but we can all agree that there is rotting sea monster porn somewhere on the Internet by now (the Internet is a dark and magical place like that).

Get your feet wet:
Like three folks did at Yosemite. As you could have guessed (because this I'm writing this) the three folks ate it hard, and died. These three (for lack of a better word) idiots, decided to ignore warning signs, go under a railing, and stand on a rock in the middle of the river leading to a 317 foot waterfall drop. This didn't end well. They fell in and went over the falls. They fell, hard. The three were described as "church role models." I'm unsure why they need the church qualifier there. Maybe church means that reading or common sense are not things one uses for church styled role modeling. My favorite part in all of this, is that Yosemite officials are not adding any more warnings or changing the railing. People like this were going to get picked off by nature at some point soon anyway, it wasn't the waterfalls' fault.

Go to a concert:
Like a nice Cheap Trick concert in Canada. During Cheap Trick's set during the Ottawa Bluesfest, wind got fucking serious. The stage went down faster than Michele Bachmann's husband in a room full of glory holes. This story was pretty uneventful, aside from making Cheap Trick relevant again (even if only for a moment). No one went all Great White, and got stampeded/burned to death. No one got straight up murdered, like Dimebag Darrell at that Pantera show (granted, that moment was very metal, its just a shame it didn't happen at a U2 concert (I mean how hard would it be to kill Dimebag at a U2 concert?)). It also wasn't a huge tragedy, that every Dave Matthews Band concert is.

You could always just go through with the suicide approach. I don't want to tell you how to live your death.

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