Tuesday, June 14, 2011

What is this place?

Dear Reader,

Oh hi, friend. I won't even apologize for my lack of updates. I do this so often that saying "I'm sorry" would be worthless. At least it was a quiet couple months since I last put finger to keyboard. Let's take a look at the ol' Interwebs to double check and make sure I missed nothing important. Oh fuck...

In March a giant tentacle rape monster attacked Japan. The attack was reported as an earthquake and a tsunami. Anyone who has typed Japan into the Internet knows that their major contributions are Pokemon and horrific porn. It was only a matter of time before one of their creations leaked into the real world. The rape monster was much like Falcor at the end of the Never Ending Story (that doesn't even make sense) movie. Being ridden by a child hell bent on revenge on a world that wronged him (who names a kid Bastian anyway?). The rape monster attacked the Fukushima nuclear plant in an attempt to create more creatures like itself. Since this happened to non-white people in a land far, far away, we only cared until April something.

Towards the end of April a couple of British folks got married and for some reason we all gave a shit. I think that reason was because the world could finally see what true love is all about and/or we thought it was the conclusion to the Harry Potter movies. Will Harry defeat He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named? Can Ron seal the deal with Hermione? Will they show Dobby dying again (fuck that elf (please don't fuck that elf, it won't end well))? Will they explain why Harry and Hermione said "Merry Christmas to each other in the last film (they are English! It's Happy Christmas there! Everyone knows that!)? It turns out that it was not the thrilling conclusion to the great story ever told. The two just got hitched and played a quick game of Quidditch (I think Puddlemere United won).

Next a team of six Disney cartoon seals killed a crazy old man who had failing kidneys. In case you couldn't figure it out I meant Osama bin Laden. OBL was hiding out in the most frightening place known to man, the suburbs. That's right, he was in Bud Abbottabad (right next to Lou Costellistan) the whole time. Fun fact about Abbottabad: Wikipedia only mentions bin Laden once (you'd think he would be in there for more than a brief sentence). The world has never been so happy to see someone die.

Speaking of dead things, Nate Dogg and "Macho Man" Randy Savage also died. This got me thinking (probably not the best thing), we should kill off celebrities more often. It's much to often the case that our beloved childhood stars die off way past their prime. I think we should borrow a term from bowling, the turkey. Three strikes is a turkey, in bowling. Each bad movie/album/book/sex tape, will be a strike. When a celebrity makes three strikes they will be a turkey, and be killed like a real turkey on Thanksgiving (it really would have been easier if I just went with a baseball reference, but it's not like there is a button to just make what I wrote go away). Anyway, I would much rather remember Pacino and De Niro as great actors instead of the parodies of themselves that they have become. It is a crime that Leslie Nielsen will be remembered as the old guy in the Scary Movie movies (sorry for the redundancy). Not all famous people are as kind as Heath Ledger.

I'm sure you heard of the most recent scandal in Congress. I am of course referring to Anthony Weiner sending pictures of his namesake to some ladies. The media has taken this story as an excuse to cram as many cock puns, that they can pull out of their ass, down our throats. Now I love a good pun as much as the next guy (that guy fucking loves puns), but these junk puns got old, quickly. Furthermore, why did Mr. Weiner have to take advice from a Taio Cruz and Ke$ha?

Then, Congressman Darrell Issa is trying to get to the bottom of a sticky situation (not that kind of sticky, perv). It would seem that the Phoenix ATF gave a bunch of guns to gun traffickers so they could trace where the guns went. If you think this is a stupid idea, then you clearly don't work for the government. As you can guess, they lost track of the guns, and the guns were used to kill people. Issa is trying to find out who had this great idea. I'm sure all of that is noteworthy somehow, the part that piqued my interest as the name of this operation: Fast and Furious. Really? We are naming ATF operations after Vin Diesel movies? It's the fourth in the Fast and Furious franchise! Was operation 2 Fast 2 Furious a bit too on the nose?

Finally, Lebronny Bron Bron James and the Miami Wades (poor forgettable Bosh) lost to Mark Cuban and the Nowitzki Express, in basketball. James held a big televised event to explain what happened. It was called The Explanation. It was an hour and fifty eight minutes of bullshit until the end where he said, "I only take my talents to the end of the third quarter." Cleveland, is still a horrible place to be.

Maybe I missed a thing or two,

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