Tuesday, August 30, 2011

The best news story ever

Dear Reader.

Holy shit! Are you ready for the best news story I have ever heard? Matthew Fox (Jack Shephard from Lost) punched a bus driver's vagina! Did you read that?! Matthew Fox engaged in fisticuffs with some broad's snatch!

I know!

I don't even care how it happened, but here's the story anyway:

On Saturday night (8/27/11), while everyone on the east coast was hiding from some bitch named Irene, people in Cleveland were partying. This happened in Cleveland? I take back everything I ever said about you. Anyway, a party bus (driven by Heather Bormann) was picking up a bachelor party from Shooters Entertainment Complex. What she didn't anticipate was, Lost star, Matthew Fox on board; demanding a ride back to his hotel. When he was denied, he lost his shit!

He yelled, "This is the guy from ‘Lost,’ Matthew Fox!"

When that didn't work, he started hitting Heather in the tits and twat.

Now, I don't know how you are imagining this, but in my mind Mr. Fox getting stuck in Ms. Bormann's gash. Like he is forearm deep in there, just struggling to get out, like James Franco in 127 Hours. I am not advocating violence to women, unless it's something as awesome as this. If we can laugh (and we do) at dudes getting hit in the beanbags, then we can laugh and biddies getting pummeled in the pussy. This is the price you pay for the right to vote and drive.

Just imagine (like I have been all day) if this happened in all of Matty's roles.

Party of Five:
"Oh hey, Jennifer Love Hewitt, I'm so bummed by our parents dying in that car accident."

"Yea Matt, me t-"

BOOM! He lands a haymaker into JLH's cooch!

"Fuck! That hurt! Holy shit, I can whisper to ghosts now."

I have never seen Party of Five, or Ghost Whisperer.

Vantage Point:
Did anyone see this? I didn't think so. Would you have, if it were guaranteed that Fox socks Sigourney Weaver's lunch box? Fuck yea, you would have.

Imagine how much better Lost would have been if, every time Kate was annoying, Jack landed an uppercut on her hatchet wound. Just think about how much better this scene would have been (ignore the stupid dubbing):

Wait a minute. Maybe this did happen, behind the scenes. It would explain why every biddy, Jack spoke to, would immediately start fucking Sawyer. Sawyer had a strict "no punching the ham wallet policy."

Shit, all of this Lost talk just makes me upset. That last season was so fucking bad. Matthew, if you want to redeem yourself in everyone else's eyes (not mine, you won me over), you should land a few knuckle sandwiches into the collective cunt of Damon Linelof and Carlton Cuse. Fuck those guys.

Now maybe, I'm enjoying this story too much. But I doubt that. There is no way thinking of new ways to say, "Matthew Fox totally went all Muhammad Ali on some bird's pot of gold", will ever get old.

I can't wait to tell my grandchildren about where I was when I heard Matthew Fox socked some chick right in her sunken treasure,

No comments:

Post a Comment