Thursday, February 24, 2011

It's not as big of a celebration!

Dear Reader,

Happy birthday AIB 3:

Paul the Octopus

Paul was the latest sensation in a long line of "psychic" animals. If you missed the World Cup, then you probably don't know who Paul is. This cephalopod correctly predicted the outcome of every German game in the 2010 World Cup, as well as the final match. How could an octopus predict soccer outcomes? Well he would try to eat a muscle from a box, that had a country's flag on it (the box, not the muscle). Amazingly, he was never wrong.

Was he psychic, or just choosing flags based on what octopi like? It is believed in community of folks who love octopi, that they like horizontal shapes, and bright colors (they, like me, are color blind but can see brightness). Also he mostly chose the right hand (tentacle?) box, so that is possibly the case as well. Also, no one mentions that he got two incorrect, when he was picking games in the UEFA Euro 2008. Also, he died before they could do extensive studying.

He had many death threats, when he picked Spain to beat Germany in the semi-final. It would appear, that there are many German people (idiots) who seriously thought Paul could control the outcomes of games. To be fair to Germans, there are idiots all over the world.

In America we have Punxsutawney Phil. If you don't know Philly (I'm glad you chose my website to go to after awaking from your coma (which you started in 1887 (wow you are really old, I'm impressed you're not dead (oh, you are dead, never mind)))), he is a groundhog that predicts how much winter America will have. I will let my dear friend (Wikipedia) give you folklore of PP:

Zoological data suggest that groundhogs have an average lifespan of ten years in captivity and six years in the wild, with a maximum lifespan of 14 years in captivity documented. Punxsutawney Phil fans say that there is only one Phil (all the other groundhog weathermen are impostors), and that he has made weather prognostications for over 121 years as of 2011. They say that every summer, Phil is given a sip of the mysterious Groundhog Elixir, which magically lengthens his life for seven years. This is done by Inner Circle members. According to the Groundhog Club, Phil, after making the prediction, speaks to the Club President in "Groundhogese", which only the Inner Circle appear to understand, and then his prediction is translated for the entire world.
The Groundhog Day celebration is rooted in a German superstition that says if a hibernating animal casts a shadow on Feb. 2, the Pagan holiday of Imbolc, winter will last another six weeks. If no shadow was seen, legend said spring would come early. Pennsylvania's prophetic rodent doesn't see much of anything. The result is decided in advance by 14 members of the Inner Circle, who don tuxedos and top hats for the event.

The people of Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania are morons. Phil has an accuracy rating of 39%, with odds like that, you're better off flipping a coin. There are only two good things about Punxy Punx. One is the movie Groundhog Day (oh Bill Murray, you are hilarious). The other (and better) thing is that the ceremony takes place in Gobbler's Knob, PA. That town, doesn't even try to hide the fact that the town is a blow job.

Back to Pauly O, he was not air bombed by the Luftwaffe. Sadly, he was only murdered by the ravages of old age (he was two). Octopi are useless.

You might think, that I am overly upset with these animals for no reason. I have a reason. They are taking attention away from my own psychic animals. That is correct, I run my own menagerie of gifted animals. I am like Professor X. from the X-Men (Patrick Stewart is also playing me in an upcoming biopic of my life). Anyway, here are some of the inhabitants of Scott's Home for Animals with Fucking Super Powers!:

Carlos, the Magnificent: Carlos is a Komodo dragon that knows if that girl you selpt with was older than eighteen (she wasn't).

Tallahassee Terrance, the Telekinetic Tiger: Quintuple T can lift balloons with his mind (balloons must first be filled with helium).

Abigail, the sloth: Abby knows where you buried that hooker.

Fantastic Rodolfo: This bear can predict when and how you will die (he needs to bite your face first (incidentally that also how you die)).

Mike the spider: Mike can always see you. He knows your fears.

The Awesome Swarm: They are a swarm of army ants. You get thrown in their tank, and they make you (with their mind powers!) regret every decision you made in life that led to that moment you were thrown in their tank.

Sebastian and Margaret: This happy couple of dolphins can levitate (briefly, it may only look like they are jumping out of the water).

And three others!

I know this isn't the largest collection of animals in the world, but psychic beings are hard to find. If you wold like a ticket to Scott's Home for Animals with Fucking Super Powers, then just email $1,000 (you can email money right?) to

If the curator of the Bronx Zoo asks you about their missing animals, you did not read any of this. Also, if you know how to stop a hoard of army ants, please let me know.

Their constant tiny bites hurt ever so much,

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