Wednesday, August 3, 2011

You sunk my battleship!

Dear Reader,

Have you seen the trailer for the movie, Battleship? It's based of the classic board game. If not, you really need to click on this link. Welcome back. I know, you're confused. You don't remember the aliens when you used to play Battleship? They were there, you just weren't paying attention (drunk) enough to see them. This trailer makes sense to me (Scott, has a drinking problem). Since I only play these games while shithoused, I have the unique insight needed for this new genre of film. I present the future of cinema:

Mouse Trap: A young attractive group of coeds, find themselves lost in a spooky warehouse. The lights go out, and they are trapped like a mouse. One by one they are tortured to death. I'm talking, horribly tortured here: arms cut in half long ways, fingernails pulled off with rusty pliers, eye lids removed then eaten. There will be so much pain and suffering, Eli Roth will reach climax five times in the first half of the movie alone.

Operation: Oliver Platt needs a life saving surgery (an Operation, of you catch what I'm throwing), to cure his disease (let's call it super AIDS). His Dr. is played by Katherine Heigl, who is just unlucky with love. Oliver helps her out in trying to get another Dr. to love her (can we get Nick Lachey for this?). In the end we all learn a little about love, and that all of these shenanigans didn't help cure Mr. Platt. He dies in the end.

Apples to Apples: This isn't you father's buddy cop movie (unless I'm your father). Isaac Newton is a by-the-book veteran detective, who is only one moth away from retirement, but he has a new partner, loose cannon and rebel, Steve Jobs. Jobs has been unhinged, ever since his wife was gunned down by the criminal mastermind, Bill Gates. The case Newton and Jobs is on takes them right to Bill Gate's lair (the Gates of Hell!). Newton uses calculus and gravity to save the day (while also being to old for this shit), and Jobs finally gets the closure he's needed.

Charades: I know this isn't a board game, but the script wrote itself. In this re-imagining of history we see a young, sexy Hellen Keller somehow witnesses a murder. Maybe she was raped? Anyway, she has to help the cops bring these wrong doers to justice.

Candy Land: A group of space scientists (and for some reason two children) land on a previously undiscovered planet. This planet is... wait for it... made of candy. They get into some sticky situations as they escape the evil Mr. Mint. Hold on, this is a bit too close to the actual canon of the game. So, they land on this new planet, and everything is made of CGI John Candys. That's much better.

Backgammon: A very handsome and charming Internet comedy writer (let's call him Scott), finds himself magically transported to inside the Star Wars universe. He has to be part of the original trilogy, and live out all of his childhood dreams! Shooting Stromtroopers and Ewoks, getting into light saber duels, banging Princess Leia when she's a slave on Jabba's floating barge, and finally joining the dark side. I think I can speak for everyone when I say this will be the best movie ever made.

Cranium: After I have exhausted the game movie genre, this will be released. It will be a reference movie (like the awful Disaster Movie, Date Movie, Meet the Spartans, etc.). Like the other reference movies, this will be unwatchable.

Now I know a lot of Hollywood execs read this blog. Please make this happen. If it helps, I can offer you some coke.

The film industry runs on coke,

1 comment:

  1. Riggs! He oozes so much sexiness. I would never let him near my daughter. And that trailer started to suck at around the 90 second mark. Sad times.

    I would pay to see "Apples to Apples".