Dear Reader,
Happy birthday AIB 4:
Charlie Sheen
I am sure you have heard about Charlie Sheen's antics. Here is a list of some of the shenanigans he has gotten into recently:
He was hospitalized after a 36 hour drug fueled party at his house (very impressive, especially since I can't just live my normal life without having to sleep after 12 hours (also he did that on drugs, when the man parties, he parties (Andrew WK could learn a thing or two from Sheeny))).
At a party there was a briefcase full of cocaine (More things need to be measure by the briefcase full. "There was a briefcase full of kidneys stolen form the morgue today.").
He wrote a check for $30,000 to, porn star, Kasey Jordan for sex (That's for sex with one woman! He could have sex with like 30 whores at $1,000 a piece, or 1,000 freakish (amputees, fat, Belgian) whore at $30 a piece.)
There will be a porn based on Charlie Sheen (I think Morgan Freeman is going to dot he narration!).
That list is all based off of the same party. That is just Charlie being Charlie. Here is a basic summation of Mr. Sheen's life: womanizing, party boy named Charlie. He is also, until recently, the star of CBS's hit sitcom Two and a Half Men; where he plays a womanizing party boy named Charlie (they really are not that creative over at CBS). I hear the show is about two guys and a kid (the kid is the half man), and not about two guys who must find a way to deal with a bloody torso (and the antics they get into). Since that show is not about a bloody torso, I have never seen it. However, when Fox buys the rights for the gritty reboot, I already wrote the script for the pilot episode!
Anyway, you may have noticed (I can't get anything by you) that I wrote "until recently" about Sheen's involvement in TAAHM, that's because they have cancelled production for the rest of the season (maybe forever). This is all do to a rant Charlie went on, in a radio interview. Here are some of the word bombs he drops in the aforementioned interview:
He calls Chuck Lorre (writer/creator of 2 & 1/2 Men) a charlatan and Chaim (which is either anti Semitic or in reference to Lorre's real first name).
He is tired of pretending to be perfect and he is tired of everyone trying to analyze him. He wants the world to just "enjoy the show." (At least he is aware that as a celeb. he is only a piece of meet to us. I think he is a breath of fresh air, in a world where every famous person has to apologize and go to rehab with they fuck up.)
He is the only one on TAAHM who has any fans. If it wasn't for him they would be nothing (you really can't argue with that).
He has turned Lorre's "tin cans" into "gold" (Rumpelstiltskin's got nothing on Chuck Sheen!).
When asked if he was not going to put up with people pushing him around anymore, he said this, "It’s yeah, it’s an understatement, you know it’s, I’m sorry man I got magic and I got poetry at my fingertips most of the time and this includes naps. I’m an F-18 and I will destroy you in the air and I will deploy my ordnance to the ground." (I wake up everyday and say that.)
Who wants to wager some money on whether or not CS will be dead by the end of the year? My money is on him eating the big one by November. Check back then to see if I'm right.
Until then I'm going to party with Charlie,
Scott
Friday, February 25, 2011
Thursday, February 24, 2011
It's not as big of a celebration!
Dear Reader,
Happy birthday AIB 3:
Paul the Octopus
Paul was the latest sensation in a long line of "psychic" animals. If you missed the World Cup, then you probably don't know who Paul is. This cephalopod correctly predicted the outcome of every German game in the 2010 World Cup, as well as the final match. How could an octopus predict soccer outcomes? Well he would try to eat a muscle from a box, that had a country's flag on it (the box, not the muscle). Amazingly, he was never wrong.
Was he psychic, or just choosing flags based on what octopi like? It is believed in community of folks who love octopi, that they like horizontal shapes, and bright colors (they, like me, are color blind but can see brightness). Also he mostly chose the right hand (tentacle?) box, so that is possibly the case as well. Also, no one mentions that he got two incorrect, when he was picking games in the UEFA Euro 2008. Also, he died before they could do extensive studying.
He had many death threats, when he picked Spain to beat Germany in the semi-final. It would appear, that there are many German people (idiots) who seriously thought Paul could control the outcomes of games. To be fair to Germans, there are idiots all over the world.
In America we have Punxsutawney Phil. If you don't know Philly (I'm glad you chose my website to go to after awaking from your coma (which you started in 1887 (wow you are really old, I'm impressed you're not dead (oh, you are dead, never mind)))), he is a groundhog that predicts how much winter America will have. I will let my dear friend (Wikipedia) give you folklore of PP:
Zoological data suggest that groundhogs have an average lifespan of ten years in captivity and six years in the wild, with a maximum lifespan of 14 years in captivity documented. Punxsutawney Phil fans say that there is only one Phil (all the other groundhog weathermen are impostors), and that he has made weather prognostications for over 121 years as of 2011. They say that every summer, Phil is given a sip of the mysterious Groundhog Elixir, which magically lengthens his life for seven years. This is done by Inner Circle members. According to the Groundhog Club, Phil, after making the prediction, speaks to the Club President in "Groundhogese", which only the Inner Circle appear to understand, and then his prediction is translated for the entire world.
The Groundhog Day celebration is rooted in a German superstition that says if a hibernating animal casts a shadow on Feb. 2, the Pagan holiday of Imbolc, winter will last another six weeks. If no shadow was seen, legend said spring would come early. Pennsylvania's prophetic rodent doesn't see much of anything. The result is decided in advance by 14 members of the Inner Circle, who don tuxedos and top hats for the event.
The people of Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania are morons. Phil has an accuracy rating of 39%, with odds like that, you're better off flipping a coin. There are only two good things about Punxy Punx. One is the movie Groundhog Day (oh Bill Murray, you are hilarious). The other (and better) thing is that the ceremony takes place in Gobbler's Knob, PA. That town, doesn't even try to hide the fact that the town is a blow job.
Back to Pauly O, he was not air bombed by the Luftwaffe. Sadly, he was only murdered by the ravages of old age (he was two). Octopi are useless.
You might think, that I am overly upset with these animals for no reason. I have a reason. They are taking attention away from my own psychic animals. That is correct, I run my own menagerie of gifted animals. I am like Professor X. from the X-Men (Patrick Stewart is also playing me in an upcoming biopic of my life). Anyway, here are some of the inhabitants of Scott's Home for Animals with Fucking Super Powers!:
Carlos, the Magnificent: Carlos is a Komodo dragon that knows if that girl you selpt with was older than eighteen (she wasn't).
Tallahassee Terrance, the Telekinetic Tiger: Quintuple T can lift balloons with his mind (balloons must first be filled with helium).
Abigail, the sloth: Abby knows where you buried that hooker.
Fantastic Rodolfo: This bear can predict when and how you will die (he needs to bite your face first (incidentally that also how you die)).
Mike the spider: Mike can always see you. He knows your fears.
The Awesome Swarm: They are a swarm of army ants. You get thrown in their tank, and they make you (with their mind powers!) regret every decision you made in life that led to that moment you were thrown in their tank.
Sebastian and Margaret: This happy couple of dolphins can levitate (briefly, it may only look like they are jumping out of the water).
And three others!
I know this isn't the largest collection of animals in the world, but psychic beings are hard to find. If you wold like a ticket to Scott's Home for Animals with Fucking Super Powers, then just email $1,000 (you can email money right?) to anotherinternetscott@gmail.com.
If the curator of the Bronx Zoo asks you about their missing animals, you did not read any of this. Also, if you know how to stop a hoard of army ants, please let me know.
Their constant tiny bites hurt ever so much,
Scott
Happy birthday AIB 3:
Paul the Octopus
Paul was the latest sensation in a long line of "psychic" animals. If you missed the World Cup, then you probably don't know who Paul is. This cephalopod correctly predicted the outcome of every German game in the 2010 World Cup, as well as the final match. How could an octopus predict soccer outcomes? Well he would try to eat a muscle from a box, that had a country's flag on it (the box, not the muscle). Amazingly, he was never wrong.
Was he psychic, or just choosing flags based on what octopi like? It is believed in community of folks who love octopi, that they like horizontal shapes, and bright colors (they, like me, are color blind but can see brightness). Also he mostly chose the right hand (tentacle?) box, so that is possibly the case as well. Also, no one mentions that he got two incorrect, when he was picking games in the UEFA Euro 2008. Also, he died before they could do extensive studying.
He had many death threats, when he picked Spain to beat Germany in the semi-final. It would appear, that there are many German people (idiots) who seriously thought Paul could control the outcomes of games. To be fair to Germans, there are idiots all over the world.
In America we have Punxsutawney Phil. If you don't know Philly (I'm glad you chose my website to go to after awaking from your coma (which you started in 1887 (wow you are really old, I'm impressed you're not dead (oh, you are dead, never mind)))), he is a groundhog that predicts how much winter America will have. I will let my dear friend (Wikipedia) give you folklore of PP:
Zoological data suggest that groundhogs have an average lifespan of ten years in captivity and six years in the wild, with a maximum lifespan of 14 years in captivity documented. Punxsutawney Phil fans say that there is only one Phil (all the other groundhog weathermen are impostors), and that he has made weather prognostications for over 121 years as of 2011. They say that every summer, Phil is given a sip of the mysterious Groundhog Elixir, which magically lengthens his life for seven years. This is done by Inner Circle members. According to the Groundhog Club, Phil, after making the prediction, speaks to the Club President in "Groundhogese", which only the Inner Circle appear to understand, and then his prediction is translated for the entire world.
The Groundhog Day celebration is rooted in a German superstition that says if a hibernating animal casts a shadow on Feb. 2, the Pagan holiday of Imbolc, winter will last another six weeks. If no shadow was seen, legend said spring would come early. Pennsylvania's prophetic rodent doesn't see much of anything. The result is decided in advance by 14 members of the Inner Circle, who don tuxedos and top hats for the event.
The people of Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania are morons. Phil has an accuracy rating of 39%, with odds like that, you're better off flipping a coin. There are only two good things about Punxy Punx. One is the movie Groundhog Day (oh Bill Murray, you are hilarious). The other (and better) thing is that the ceremony takes place in Gobbler's Knob, PA. That town, doesn't even try to hide the fact that the town is a blow job.
Back to Pauly O, he was not air bombed by the Luftwaffe. Sadly, he was only murdered by the ravages of old age (he was two). Octopi are useless.
You might think, that I am overly upset with these animals for no reason. I have a reason. They are taking attention away from my own psychic animals. That is correct, I run my own menagerie of gifted animals. I am like Professor X. from the X-Men (Patrick Stewart is also playing me in an upcoming biopic of my life). Anyway, here are some of the inhabitants of Scott's Home for Animals with Fucking Super Powers!:
Carlos, the Magnificent: Carlos is a Komodo dragon that knows if that girl you selpt with was older than eighteen (she wasn't).
Tallahassee Terrance, the Telekinetic Tiger: Quintuple T can lift balloons with his mind (balloons must first be filled with helium).
Abigail, the sloth: Abby knows where you buried that hooker.
Fantastic Rodolfo: This bear can predict when and how you will die (he needs to bite your face first (incidentally that also how you die)).
Mike the spider: Mike can always see you. He knows your fears.
The Awesome Swarm: They are a swarm of army ants. You get thrown in their tank, and they make you (with their mind powers!) regret every decision you made in life that led to that moment you were thrown in their tank.
Sebastian and Margaret: This happy couple of dolphins can levitate (briefly, it may only look like they are jumping out of the water).
And three others!
I know this isn't the largest collection of animals in the world, but psychic beings are hard to find. If you wold like a ticket to Scott's Home for Animals with Fucking Super Powers, then just email $1,000 (you can email money right?) to anotherinternetscott@gmail.com.
If the curator of the Bronx Zoo asks you about their missing animals, you did not read any of this. Also, if you know how to stop a hoard of army ants, please let me know.
Their constant tiny bites hurt ever so much,
Scott
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
It's still a celebration!
Dear Reader,
Happy birthday AIB 2:
Wikileaks
There was a big hullabaloo about a website (porn?), that was surprisingly not porn (damn). This website was WikiLeaks. Namely, the United States diplomatic cables leak.
For those of you who don't know what WikiLeaks is, I will do my best to give a very brief overview (if you search around in that link up in the last paragraph Wikipedia can tell you more than I can). Founded by many people WIkiLeaks is a website chock full o' (previously) classified documents. When it first launched, it was like all other Wiki websites, in that anyone could update any page. Wiki websites are like easy drunk chicks, anyone can get in there and mess around. This is no longer the case, now it is just the documents. The director and face of the Leaks of Wiki is Julian Assange (more on him later). The documents WikiLeaked on this site have a history of putting America in a bad light. In general, all sorts of stuff that was classified. So, that's WikiLeaks (I really should not be the one to tell you what WIkiLeaks is).
Anyway, back to why America was in a tizzy. WL started leaking the United States diplomatic cables, and that's when shit got real. In these cables were among other topics were: criticism of foreign leaders (allies and enemies), US companies' wrong doings over seas, government contractor auctioning off under age boys into sex slavery in Afghanistan, and really the list is depressing. The anti Leaks people, basically, called WikiLeaks terrorist, and that are trying to destroy America.
Julian Assange is a hero. That is my take on the Leaks. In America, we have freedom of the press. This is how we can have checks and balances on our government. Everyone knows this (one would think), but the critics seem to have forgotten that fact. If you changed the name of the leaked documents to the "North Korean diplomatic cables" then Mr. Assange would be raised on our collective shoulders. To get upset because now your country is getting shat upon (by the truth), is hypocritical. Notice that there are no people upset because these leaks are false.
You may have heard that Julian Assage raped some chicks. Two women are claiming that he raped them. The first, went on a date with Assange, at the end of the night they bumped uglies. The bumping of the aforementioned uglies was consensual, but the condom broke. She claims it was forced, but the rape charges were thrown out. OK, so how about the second lady? She went on a date with Julian, and afterward they mashed private parts (that's science talk for bumping uglies). She claims that he had unprotected sex with her while she was sleeping, the next morning. The rape charge for this was also thrown out. So now they are hoping for molestation. That didn't sound right. Now they are hoping to find JA guilty of molestation. So time will tell if he will be convicted of these claims. If he is a rapist, then he is a horrible person for that. But, that does not change his great work with WIkiLeaks.
Most of information about me on WikiLeaks is true,
Scott
Happy birthday AIB 2:
Wikileaks
There was a big hullabaloo about a website (porn?), that was surprisingly not porn (damn). This website was WikiLeaks. Namely, the United States diplomatic cables leak.
For those of you who don't know what WikiLeaks is, I will do my best to give a very brief overview (if you search around in that link up in the last paragraph Wikipedia can tell you more than I can). Founded by many people WIkiLeaks is a website chock full o' (previously) classified documents. When it first launched, it was like all other Wiki websites, in that anyone could update any page. Wiki websites are like easy drunk chicks, anyone can get in there and mess around. This is no longer the case, now it is just the documents. The director and face of the Leaks of Wiki is Julian Assange (more on him later). The documents WikiLeaked on this site have a history of putting America in a bad light. In general, all sorts of stuff that was classified. So, that's WikiLeaks (I really should not be the one to tell you what WIkiLeaks is).
Anyway, back to why America was in a tizzy. WL started leaking the United States diplomatic cables, and that's when shit got real. In these cables were among other topics were: criticism of foreign leaders (allies and enemies), US companies' wrong doings over seas, government contractor auctioning off under age boys into sex slavery in Afghanistan, and really the list is depressing. The anti Leaks people, basically, called WikiLeaks terrorist, and that are trying to destroy America.
Julian Assange is a hero. That is my take on the Leaks. In America, we have freedom of the press. This is how we can have checks and balances on our government. Everyone knows this (one would think), but the critics seem to have forgotten that fact. If you changed the name of the leaked documents to the "North Korean diplomatic cables" then Mr. Assange would be raised on our collective shoulders. To get upset because now your country is getting shat upon (by the truth), is hypocritical. Notice that there are no people upset because these leaks are false.
You may have heard that Julian Assage raped some chicks. Two women are claiming that he raped them. The first, went on a date with Assange, at the end of the night they bumped uglies. The bumping of the aforementioned uglies was consensual, but the condom broke. She claims it was forced, but the rape charges were thrown out. OK, so how about the second lady? She went on a date with Julian, and afterward they mashed private parts (that's science talk for bumping uglies). She claims that he had unprotected sex with her while she was sleeping, the next morning. The rape charge for this was also thrown out. So now they are hoping for molestation. That didn't sound right. Now they are hoping to find JA guilty of molestation. So time will tell if he will be convicted of these claims. If he is a rapist, then he is a horrible person for that. But, that does not change his great work with WIkiLeaks.
Most of information about me on WikiLeaks is true,
Scott
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
It's a celebration!
Dear Reader,
Well, it has been a year (and seven days) since I began this blog. As a way to thank you (the Reader), I was going to post an entry every weekday this week on news items I never commented on. In proper Another Internet Blog fashion, I did not start on Monday. So I guess I will have to post a new entry everyday from today (Tuesday) to Saturday. Even my "I am a week late on the anniversary" is a day late (I doubt you're surprised).
These entries may not be long or good, but they will be everyday!
Happy birthday AIB 1:
Junior Seau drives off cliff
Pretend this is October 18, 2010 (holy shit how are these midterm elections going to go? (also you're welcome for updating twice in one day (stop saying I don't post often enough))). Remember football great Junior Seau? Well, he drove off a cliff this morning. As you are well aware this blog has a rich history of folks driving off of cliffs. This story is slightly different than our previous friends, who refuse to stay on the top side of a fucking mountain, in that JS survived.
How did this happen? It turns out that Tiaina Baul Seau Jr. (his actual name) was just tuckered out and decided to take a quick naynay while driving. As you may have guessed, this is probably not the best idea, if you goal is to not drive off of a cliff.
Why was he so tired? There are three reasons:
1. It was 2:30 AM. That is pretty late to be joy riding where the world ends. Now, you might be wondering why he was driving so late. That brings us to...
2. He was released from police custody around then, and was heading home. You see, he wanted to just go home and sleep with his girlfriend. So, why was he in police custody?
3. He was there because he was arrested for allegedly beating his girlfriend (that is very tiring, no wonder he fell asleep).
So you see it makes perfect sense now. It a classic story. Man plays football, man retires from football, man meets girl, man beats girl, man gets arrested, man leaves police custody, man falls asleep whilst driving, man drives off cliff. I've seen it hundreds of times (I may or may not drug people at the DMV with NyQuil).
Anyway, TBSJ only suffered minor injuries, and his girlfriend didn't press charges. Everyone lived happily ever after.
Off to the DMV I go,
Scott
Well, it has been a year (and seven days) since I began this blog. As a way to thank you (the Reader), I was going to post an entry every weekday this week on news items I never commented on. In proper Another Internet Blog fashion, I did not start on Monday. So I guess I will have to post a new entry everyday from today (Tuesday) to Saturday. Even my "I am a week late on the anniversary" is a day late (I doubt you're surprised).
These entries may not be long or good, but they will be everyday!
Happy birthday AIB 1:
Junior Seau drives off cliff
Pretend this is October 18, 2010 (holy shit how are these midterm elections going to go? (also you're welcome for updating twice in one day (stop saying I don't post often enough))). Remember football great Junior Seau? Well, he drove off a cliff this morning. As you are well aware this blog has a rich history of folks driving off of cliffs. This story is slightly different than our previous friends, who refuse to stay on the top side of a fucking mountain, in that JS survived.
How did this happen? It turns out that Tiaina Baul Seau Jr. (his actual name) was just tuckered out and decided to take a quick naynay while driving. As you may have guessed, this is probably not the best idea, if you goal is to not drive off of a cliff.
Why was he so tired? There are three reasons:
1. It was 2:30 AM. That is pretty late to be joy riding where the world ends. Now, you might be wondering why he was driving so late. That brings us to...
2. He was released from police custody around then, and was heading home. You see, he wanted to just go home and sleep with his girlfriend. So, why was he in police custody?
3. He was there because he was arrested for allegedly beating his girlfriend (that is very tiring, no wonder he fell asleep).
So you see it makes perfect sense now. It a classic story. Man plays football, man retires from football, man meets girl, man beats girl, man gets arrested, man leaves police custody, man falls asleep whilst driving, man drives off cliff. I've seen it hundreds of times (I may or may not drug people at the DMV with NyQuil).
Anyway, TBSJ only suffered minor injuries, and his girlfriend didn't press charges. Everyone lived happily ever after.
Off to the DMV I go,
Scott
Thursday, January 20, 2011
What's your sign?
Dear Reader,
I'm sure you have heard the tragic news. The Zodiac signs we all know and love are wrong! According to astronomer Parke Kunkle (astronomer is like an astrologer in that both words start with "astro", other wise the main difference is that astronomers study the stars for scientific purposes and astrologers use the stars as an excuse to scam people out of money (astrologers are assholes)) discovered that due to the Earth's movements, the astrological signs have been realigned. Basically a whole bunch of people's Zodiac signs are shifted back. It's kind of like daylight savings time; except, instead of gaining an hour of sleep, absolutely nothing happens!
Why is this a big deal? It's not, but some people (idiots) think it is. I could go on and on about how vague the horoscopes and character profiles are, so everyone thinks their sign is them, but I wont. That will get boring, and it is obvious. The best reason people are upset about the change is that a lot of these douche nozzles got their sign tattooed on their body. That is amazing. Now that chick with a Scorpio tramp stamp isn't just a whore, she is dumb as shit too!
Also for some fucking reason there is a new Zodiac sign. Ophiuchus! What is that? Ophiuchus is a constellation that depicts a dude holding a giant snake. Is the guy a member of the religious sect of snake handlers. Snake handling is a religious ritual for some Pentecostal churches in America. More religions need dangerous animal rasslin'. This way the most annoyingly devout people, will hopefully die via animal. Ophiuchus' snake could also symbolize his wang, but only someone juvenile would point that out.
And now without further delay, I present to you some horoscopes:
Capricorn - People hate your smug attitude. Next week a person in a red hat will stab you seven times in the stomach.
Aquarius - Your lack of personal upkeep is offensive to all of the five senses. There will be trouble at your place of employment. Your boss will fire you, because of that illegal cock fighting ring you run int he break room.
Pisces - You are very lucky when it comes to matters of the opposite sex. You are going to get herpes very soon.
Aries - You live by your own rules; no one can tell you what to do. You will get too close to the bear exhibit at your local zoo. The mauling will be take a long time, and it will be extremely painful.
Taurus - You are always an optimist; everyone hates you. You will be pushed into a shark tank, it doesn't matter that it is only half full.
Gemini - You have a very good eye for fashion; no one trusts you. You will get a nice red hat and a large knife, then you will see that smug asshole from work. Go for the torso.
Cancer - You are very charitable, and you always try to get people to help the less fortunate; everyone thinks you are a poor man's Bono. You will soon be able to sit in a pool filled with the spit people launch in your direction.
Leo - You are always the "class clown" of the group. You will lose at least one arm in a hilarious chainsaw juggling mishap.
Virgo - You are a very important person, with many loyal followers. You also have even more enemies who will eliminate you in a bloody coup.
Libra - You are a very ordinary and boring person. Your days just tend to blend together. Nothing really horrible will ever happen to you, but nothing great will either. In the grand scheme of things, you don't matter.
Scorpio - You have great inner beauty. You have no outer beauty, children will constantly throw rocks at you.
Ophiuchus - You are very spiritual. A very poisonous snake will bite your junk, at your local snake handling ceremony. You will survive, but you wont want to.
Sagittarius - You are very athletic, you use this to intimidate others. You get into a scuffle with another Sagittarius. Both of you will fight with no mercy, then you will have a big make out session.
Those above 'scope are just as legit as any other you will read.
Praise be the stars!
Scott
I'm sure you have heard the tragic news. The Zodiac signs we all know and love are wrong! According to astronomer Parke Kunkle (astronomer is like an astrologer in that both words start with "astro", other wise the main difference is that astronomers study the stars for scientific purposes and astrologers use the stars as an excuse to scam people out of money (astrologers are assholes)) discovered that due to the Earth's movements, the astrological signs have been realigned. Basically a whole bunch of people's Zodiac signs are shifted back. It's kind of like daylight savings time; except, instead of gaining an hour of sleep, absolutely nothing happens!
Why is this a big deal? It's not, but some people (idiots) think it is. I could go on and on about how vague the horoscopes and character profiles are, so everyone thinks their sign is them, but I wont. That will get boring, and it is obvious. The best reason people are upset about the change is that a lot of these douche nozzles got their sign tattooed on their body. That is amazing. Now that chick with a Scorpio tramp stamp isn't just a whore, she is dumb as shit too!
Also for some fucking reason there is a new Zodiac sign. Ophiuchus! What is that? Ophiuchus is a constellation that depicts a dude holding a giant snake. Is the guy a member of the religious sect of snake handlers. Snake handling is a religious ritual for some Pentecostal churches in America. More religions need dangerous animal rasslin'. This way the most annoyingly devout people, will hopefully die via animal. Ophiuchus' snake could also symbolize his wang, but only someone juvenile would point that out.
And now without further delay, I present to you some horoscopes:
Capricorn - People hate your smug attitude. Next week a person in a red hat will stab you seven times in the stomach.
Aquarius - Your lack of personal upkeep is offensive to all of the five senses. There will be trouble at your place of employment. Your boss will fire you, because of that illegal cock fighting ring you run int he break room.
Pisces - You are very lucky when it comes to matters of the opposite sex. You are going to get herpes very soon.
Aries - You live by your own rules; no one can tell you what to do. You will get too close to the bear exhibit at your local zoo. The mauling will be take a long time, and it will be extremely painful.
Taurus - You are always an optimist; everyone hates you. You will be pushed into a shark tank, it doesn't matter that it is only half full.
Gemini - You have a very good eye for fashion; no one trusts you. You will get a nice red hat and a large knife, then you will see that smug asshole from work. Go for the torso.
Cancer - You are very charitable, and you always try to get people to help the less fortunate; everyone thinks you are a poor man's Bono. You will soon be able to sit in a pool filled with the spit people launch in your direction.
Leo - You are always the "class clown" of the group. You will lose at least one arm in a hilarious chainsaw juggling mishap.
Virgo - You are a very important person, with many loyal followers. You also have even more enemies who will eliminate you in a bloody coup.
Libra - You are a very ordinary and boring person. Your days just tend to blend together. Nothing really horrible will ever happen to you, but nothing great will either. In the grand scheme of things, you don't matter.
Scorpio - You have great inner beauty. You have no outer beauty, children will constantly throw rocks at you.
Ophiuchus - You are very spiritual. A very poisonous snake will bite your junk, at your local snake handling ceremony. You will survive, but you wont want to.
Sagittarius - You are very athletic, you use this to intimidate others. You get into a scuffle with another Sagittarius. Both of you will fight with no mercy, then you will have a big make out session.
Those above 'scope are just as legit as any other you will read.
Praise be the stars!
Scott
Sunday, December 5, 2010
A night at the theatre
Dear Reader,
Recently, I had the opportunity to watch the new Spider-Man musical on Broadway. I went into the evening thinking that the play was going to be horrible. Not because I hate comics or musicals (I fucking love those things!), but because it is an insanely difficult thing to successfully execute. So I was going into this event expecting something awful, and leave it to the assholes who made it to not disappoint. It must be noted that this was a preview of the show, it doesn't premiere until the new year. I understand if there are some technical issues or flubbed lines.
Let's start off with the fact that Bono and The Edge did the music for this piece of shit. That is the first red flag for the production. U2 sucks. They can't even count to fourteen correctly, in Spanish. Also Bono is a massive douche, and should be drawn and quartered for crimes against humanity. That being said, at least some of U2's songs are catchy, even if it is in the "holy shit this is so bad, I think it gave my ears herpes!" kind of way. The producers of Spidey wish the music was that bad. The music is so generic and boring, I felt completely indifferent towards it. I don't remember a single thing about the music of this fucking show. Even a bad musical will have you hum the songs after.
The full title of this shit pile is Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark. What the fuck does that mean? There was a song titled "Turn Off the Dark," but since it was a song in this play I don't remember a fucking thing about it. According to my research (Wikipedia) The title comes from Bono. He remember a story of a child saying "turn off the dark," instead of "turn on the lights," when he wanted to lights on in a room. Really? Would Bono not leave production meetings until he got his filth on everything? Julie Taymor (producer of this mess) says that Spider-Man is bringing some light to the darkness, or some bullshit. So if assbag Bono wasn't in the room, this shit would be called Spider-Man: Turn On the Lights? Why was he telling this story of that docuhebag kid in the first place? Why would anyone want to talk to him?
So you have no reason to see this abomination if you like music. Let us move on to the story. The following paragraphs is jam packed with spoilers.
Act 1:
Four asshole kids are talking about writing the origin story of Spider-Man. They mention the comics so they are not making up the story, they are just telling it, for some reason that is never revealed. Before they get into Peter Parker and company, they talk about the Greek story of Arachne. You may be asking why they would do this. I have no idea, she has nothing to do with the comics. To give a recap, Arachne was some olde timey Greek broad who could weave like none other, and she would brag about this fact all the time (she even said she was better than Athena!). Athena didn't like how this bitch was putting her on blast, so she challenged Arachne to a duel. It was the most hardcore duel ever! They weaved. Arachne won, so Athena turned her into a spider. Arachne was the first person spider. Do you care yet? I didn't think so.
Now they get into the story. You know this story. Peter Parker is a nerd who is in love with his neighbor Mary Jane. On a class trip to Norman Osborn's scientific facility, Dub P gets bit by a radioactive spider, thus becoming out web-slinging friend (old news). Also it must be noted that Osborn talks to the four kids from earlier, which makes no sense (they are making this story up kind of). Now Peter learns he has powers and wrestles a guy to make some money.
Some notes on this scene. Those asshole kids are back and one of them mentions "Sunday Bloody Sunday." How much creative control did Bono have, and I don't think Taymor could be any further up his ass if she was his large intestine. Also the guy he is wrestling is a giant blow up doll, which looks just stupid.
On his way home from getting his money, he doesn't help a bully who is getting his car stolen. Uncle Ben (Peter's uncle) tries to save the day but get hit by the car and dies. This is supposed to be the most important part of the Spider-Man story. This is why he becomes a super hero. However the only time we saw Uncle Ben is when he is yelling at Peter for getting his ass kicked, so you don;t care that he died. They fucked up the most important part of the entire story. While Pete is sleeping Arachne meets him in his dream... I think. Arachne is now a nightmare inducing giant spider with a woman torso above her thorax. I think she gives him his costume at this point, this is all very vague (I know we are only in Act 1 still, it felt even longer sitting through it).
Spider-Man is running around saving the day (like he does). Osborn is pressured to use his experiments on himself to become powerful. In an experiment gone awry , he kills his wife and become the Green Goblin. He starts terrorizing the city (like he does). J. Jonah Jameson (head of the Daily Bugle newspaper) claims that Spidey is the real terror. Eventually Duble G has Spider-Man at the top of the Empire State Building, and is threatening to kill MJ. Did I mention his is doing this by tying her to a piano and throwing the aforementioned piano off the building? The Goblin took notes from Wile E. Coyote. Somehow Spider-Man saved Mary Jane and tied Greeny to the piano, thus killing him.
That was Act One. Holy fuck an hour and a half went by! This was the entire first Spider-Man movie, but a very bad version of it. There is still another Act! There is clearly no god.
Act 2:
Those asshole kids are back. Some of them think the story is over too. Spidey just beat his ultimate enemy in the Goblin. Oh no he wasn't the ultimate. So they introduce the Sinister Six (Carnage, Lizard, Electro, Swiss Miss, Kraven and Swarm). If you know the comics (or don't) you must know one thing strange about Swiss Miss. Swiss Miss isn't from the comics either, the kids even mention that they just made her up. There are hundreds of actual villains for them to choose from, but they make up some asshole for no reason. All six of these goons are easily taken care of, by Parker. Clearly they are not the ultimate either. Arachne is back again for no reason, now she has like six other people sized spider friends (no one cares).
Things are not going well for Peter, his relationship with MJ is strained because he is busy saving everyone. He throws his costume away. This action makes his powers go away? That is what I asked when they made a big deal, that he threw away his powers. PP and MJ are dancing at a discotheque (to what? (a fucking U2 song (at this point I attempted suicide))), when there is a black out. The Green Goblin is back and he released the Sinister Six, terror ensues.
Reports are telling JJJ that the shit is hitting all kinds of fans (people are being murdered, shoes are being stolen (yes they mention that hundreds of shoes are stolen (this is somehow equally important as murder (due to my failed suicide attempt, I begin crying uncontrollably))). The kids are talking about the story again, but are interrupted by Arachne's spider friends. How are they attacking the people telling the story. Its like the end The Neverending Story, but with less whimsy. The kids are never seen again (why have them in the first place?!). Peter is still just being Peter, not helping anyone or anything. Him and Mary Jane seem perfectly fine with the world ending.
Now we hang out with Arachne and Company again. They sing a song about shoes. Read that last sentence again. They now have people legs with high-healed shoes on. The shoes somehow give Arachne the power to turn into a chick again. She goes to Trip J to have him write a headline to get Spider-Man. Her place works, and Spider-Man returns. He easily dispatches of the Green Goblin and the Six other assholes again. All seems like it would be fine and dandy, but MJ is kidnapped... again.
Arachne has MJ in a web. She is also a giant fuck off spider lady again. Shoes are only a temporary fix, I guess. Spider-Man says that Arachne can take him, but she has to let MJ go. This apparently moved her so much that she said that she will let them both go and she is no free form her curse. Did Taymor realize that this play would never fucking end? What an abrupt and stupid way to deal with this shit. Oh I forgot one more bit. It was all a dream. Arachne made Peter dream all the events after Green Goblin died at the end of the first act. Basically, it is like when Victoria Principle saw Patrick Duffy in the shower in Dallas. So those asshole kids were taken care of by things that were a dream in the thing they were making up! This is the worst homage to Inception ever!
That's how it fucking ends! I am also done with the spoilers, so you can read again.
Scott, was it all bad? I know it may seem like it was, but there were some redeeming qualities. The sets were amazing. They looked like they were in the comics, it was extremely well done. This was the Broadway equivalent to Avatar. Great to look at, but otherwise a giant mound of dog shit.There were a lot of stunts in the play too (some high flying excitement!). They had to stop down once, but that was fine (as I said it was a preview show so stop downs and some fuck ups are OK).
If you have to decide on seeing this play or sticking your face in a bear trap, choose the bear trap. Unless you get a hard on for set design, steer clear of this theatrical abortion.
Fuck you Julie Taymor,
Scott
Recently, I had the opportunity to watch the new Spider-Man musical on Broadway. I went into the evening thinking that the play was going to be horrible. Not because I hate comics or musicals (I fucking love those things!), but because it is an insanely difficult thing to successfully execute. So I was going into this event expecting something awful, and leave it to the assholes who made it to not disappoint. It must be noted that this was a preview of the show, it doesn't premiere until the new year. I understand if there are some technical issues or flubbed lines.
Let's start off with the fact that Bono and The Edge did the music for this piece of shit. That is the first red flag for the production. U2 sucks. They can't even count to fourteen correctly, in Spanish. Also Bono is a massive douche, and should be drawn and quartered for crimes against humanity. That being said, at least some of U2's songs are catchy, even if it is in the "holy shit this is so bad, I think it gave my ears herpes!" kind of way. The producers of Spidey wish the music was that bad. The music is so generic and boring, I felt completely indifferent towards it. I don't remember a single thing about the music of this fucking show. Even a bad musical will have you hum the songs after.
The full title of this shit pile is Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark. What the fuck does that mean? There was a song titled "Turn Off the Dark," but since it was a song in this play I don't remember a fucking thing about it. According to my research (Wikipedia) The title comes from Bono. He remember a story of a child saying "turn off the dark," instead of "turn on the lights," when he wanted to lights on in a room. Really? Would Bono not leave production meetings until he got his filth on everything? Julie Taymor (producer of this mess) says that Spider-Man is bringing some light to the darkness, or some bullshit. So if assbag Bono wasn't in the room, this shit would be called Spider-Man: Turn On the Lights? Why was he telling this story of that docuhebag kid in the first place? Why would anyone want to talk to him?
So you have no reason to see this abomination if you like music. Let us move on to the story. The following paragraphs is jam packed with spoilers.
Act 1:
Four asshole kids are talking about writing the origin story of Spider-Man. They mention the comics so they are not making up the story, they are just telling it, for some reason that is never revealed. Before they get into Peter Parker and company, they talk about the Greek story of Arachne. You may be asking why they would do this. I have no idea, she has nothing to do with the comics. To give a recap, Arachne was some olde timey Greek broad who could weave like none other, and she would brag about this fact all the time (she even said she was better than Athena!). Athena didn't like how this bitch was putting her on blast, so she challenged Arachne to a duel. It was the most hardcore duel ever! They weaved. Arachne won, so Athena turned her into a spider. Arachne was the first person spider. Do you care yet? I didn't think so.
Now they get into the story. You know this story. Peter Parker is a nerd who is in love with his neighbor Mary Jane. On a class trip to Norman Osborn's scientific facility, Dub P gets bit by a radioactive spider, thus becoming out web-slinging friend (old news). Also it must be noted that Osborn talks to the four kids from earlier, which makes no sense (they are making this story up kind of). Now Peter learns he has powers and wrestles a guy to make some money.
Some notes on this scene. Those asshole kids are back and one of them mentions "Sunday Bloody Sunday." How much creative control did Bono have, and I don't think Taymor could be any further up his ass if she was his large intestine. Also the guy he is wrestling is a giant blow up doll, which looks just stupid.
On his way home from getting his money, he doesn't help a bully who is getting his car stolen. Uncle Ben (Peter's uncle) tries to save the day but get hit by the car and dies. This is supposed to be the most important part of the Spider-Man story. This is why he becomes a super hero. However the only time we saw Uncle Ben is when he is yelling at Peter for getting his ass kicked, so you don;t care that he died. They fucked up the most important part of the entire story. While Pete is sleeping Arachne meets him in his dream... I think. Arachne is now a nightmare inducing giant spider with a woman torso above her thorax. I think she gives him his costume at this point, this is all very vague (I know we are only in Act 1 still, it felt even longer sitting through it).
Spider-Man is running around saving the day (like he does). Osborn is pressured to use his experiments on himself to become powerful. In an experiment gone awry , he kills his wife and become the Green Goblin. He starts terrorizing the city (like he does). J. Jonah Jameson (head of the Daily Bugle newspaper) claims that Spidey is the real terror. Eventually Duble G has Spider-Man at the top of the Empire State Building, and is threatening to kill MJ. Did I mention his is doing this by tying her to a piano and throwing the aforementioned piano off the building? The Goblin took notes from Wile E. Coyote. Somehow Spider-Man saved Mary Jane and tied Greeny to the piano, thus killing him.
That was Act One. Holy fuck an hour and a half went by! This was the entire first Spider-Man movie, but a very bad version of it. There is still another Act! There is clearly no god.
Act 2:
Those asshole kids are back. Some of them think the story is over too. Spidey just beat his ultimate enemy in the Goblin. Oh no he wasn't the ultimate. So they introduce the Sinister Six (Carnage, Lizard, Electro, Swiss Miss, Kraven and Swarm). If you know the comics (or don't) you must know one thing strange about Swiss Miss. Swiss Miss isn't from the comics either, the kids even mention that they just made her up. There are hundreds of actual villains for them to choose from, but they make up some asshole for no reason. All six of these goons are easily taken care of, by Parker. Clearly they are not the ultimate either. Arachne is back again for no reason, now she has like six other people sized spider friends (no one cares).
Things are not going well for Peter, his relationship with MJ is strained because he is busy saving everyone. He throws his costume away. This action makes his powers go away? That is what I asked when they made a big deal, that he threw away his powers. PP and MJ are dancing at a discotheque (to what? (a fucking U2 song (at this point I attempted suicide))), when there is a black out. The Green Goblin is back and he released the Sinister Six, terror ensues.
Reports are telling JJJ that the shit is hitting all kinds of fans (people are being murdered, shoes are being stolen (yes they mention that hundreds of shoes are stolen (this is somehow equally important as murder (due to my failed suicide attempt, I begin crying uncontrollably))). The kids are talking about the story again, but are interrupted by Arachne's spider friends. How are they attacking the people telling the story. Its like the end The Neverending Story, but with less whimsy. The kids are never seen again (why have them in the first place?!). Peter is still just being Peter, not helping anyone or anything. Him and Mary Jane seem perfectly fine with the world ending.
Now we hang out with Arachne and Company again. They sing a song about shoes. Read that last sentence again. They now have people legs with high-healed shoes on. The shoes somehow give Arachne the power to turn into a chick again. She goes to Trip J to have him write a headline to get Spider-Man. Her place works, and Spider-Man returns. He easily dispatches of the Green Goblin and the Six other assholes again. All seems like it would be fine and dandy, but MJ is kidnapped... again.
Arachne has MJ in a web. She is also a giant fuck off spider lady again. Shoes are only a temporary fix, I guess. Spider-Man says that Arachne can take him, but she has to let MJ go. This apparently moved her so much that she said that she will let them both go and she is no free form her curse. Did Taymor realize that this play would never fucking end? What an abrupt and stupid way to deal with this shit. Oh I forgot one more bit. It was all a dream. Arachne made Peter dream all the events after Green Goblin died at the end of the first act. Basically, it is like when Victoria Principle saw Patrick Duffy in the shower in Dallas. So those asshole kids were taken care of by things that were a dream in the thing they were making up! This is the worst homage to Inception ever!
That's how it fucking ends! I am also done with the spoilers, so you can read again.
Scott, was it all bad? I know it may seem like it was, but there were some redeeming qualities. The sets were amazing. They looked like they were in the comics, it was extremely well done. This was the Broadway equivalent to Avatar. Great to look at, but otherwise a giant mound of dog shit.There were a lot of stunts in the play too (some high flying excitement!). They had to stop down once, but that was fine (as I said it was a preview show so stop downs and some fuck ups are OK).
If you have to decide on seeing this play or sticking your face in a bear trap, choose the bear trap. Unless you get a hard on for set design, steer clear of this theatrical abortion.
Fuck you Julie Taymor,
Scott
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
A late Thanksgiving hodgepodge of fun!
Dear Reader,
As you are well aware. Thanksgiving recently happened. As is our culture, it is now Christmas season! Shit yea! As I have pointed out, our country has a rich history of failed terrorist attacks, during the holiday season. This year is no different! On November 26th, the redundantly named, Muhamed Osman Muhamud tried to blow up a tree lighting ceremony in Portland, Oregon. I know what you are thinking, "Who cares about Portland, Oregon?" Well that is exactly why MOM wanted to explode the tree. He thought he was a genius, because no one would suspect someone to attack Oregon (mostly because no one cares about Oregon).
This all started in August of 2009, when Double Muhamed was in contact (via electronic styled mail) with terrorists. Eventually Dub Muha and his pen pal decided it was time to go all the way live, and perform a violent jihad (is there any other kind? (well, I guess there are (but who wants one of those? (not me, that's for damn sure)))). In June 2010, Muhamud Squared met in person with his online buddy, and there he revealed his scheme. As I mentioned it was the tree lighting ceremony. His friend gave him, the bomb needed and a phone number. The phone number was, for Ozzie to call when the bomb was set; when he calls, the place goes boom! There was only one snag to his ingenious plan. His friend was an FBI operative who was on to him the whole time. Naturally when he called, he was arrested. So really this isn't as fun as last year's terrorist attack (if only he set his wang on fire).
On to Sunday! I am a Pittsburgh Steelers fan, so I was watching their game against the Buffalo Bills. To make a long game short, they were in overtime. Ryan Fitzpatrick threw an easily catchable touchdown to Stevie Johnson, who caught the ball. The Bills won the game! Finally the people of Buffalo had something to be happy about! Oh wait, no, none of that happened. Steve-O dropped the ball (like a chump), and they lost. This isn't a big deal, the Bills lose all the time. Shortly after the game ended Mr. Johnson posted this on Twitter: "I PRAISE YOU 24/7!!!!!! AND THIS HOW YOU DO ME!!!!! YOU EXPECT ME TO LEARN FROM THIS??? HOW???!!! ILL NEVER FORGET THIS!! EVER!!! THX THO..."
That's right lady and gentleman, he blamed god for his fuck up! That is awesome! It is about time. Every time some athletic jack ass wins a game, or some douche bag gets an award, they thank god. It is like god is some kind of gambling addict who needs these assholes to win so he can pay rent. It is refreshing to see one of these schmucks go the other way with it, and blame him for losses. Let's pretend god exists, why would he/she/it care about these things? Who wants to worship some asshole who cares so much about a stupid regular season game. Also, Steve, you should have known that god hates you, you play in Buffalo.
Now all we need is for someone to win it big and praise Satan.
Hail Satan!
Scott
As you are well aware. Thanksgiving recently happened. As is our culture, it is now Christmas season! Shit yea! As I have pointed out, our country has a rich history of failed terrorist attacks, during the holiday season. This year is no different! On November 26th, the redundantly named, Muhamed Osman Muhamud tried to blow up a tree lighting ceremony in Portland, Oregon. I know what you are thinking, "Who cares about Portland, Oregon?" Well that is exactly why MOM wanted to explode the tree. He thought he was a genius, because no one would suspect someone to attack Oregon (mostly because no one cares about Oregon).
This all started in August of 2009, when Double Muhamed was in contact (via electronic styled mail) with terrorists. Eventually Dub Muha and his pen pal decided it was time to go all the way live, and perform a violent jihad (is there any other kind? (well, I guess there are (but who wants one of those? (not me, that's for damn sure)))). In June 2010, Muhamud Squared met in person with his online buddy, and there he revealed his scheme. As I mentioned it was the tree lighting ceremony. His friend gave him, the bomb needed and a phone number. The phone number was, for Ozzie to call when the bomb was set; when he calls, the place goes boom! There was only one snag to his ingenious plan. His friend was an FBI operative who was on to him the whole time. Naturally when he called, he was arrested. So really this isn't as fun as last year's terrorist attack (if only he set his wang on fire).
On to Sunday! I am a Pittsburgh Steelers fan, so I was watching their game against the Buffalo Bills. To make a long game short, they were in overtime. Ryan Fitzpatrick threw an easily catchable touchdown to Stevie Johnson, who caught the ball. The Bills won the game! Finally the people of Buffalo had something to be happy about! Oh wait, no, none of that happened. Steve-O dropped the ball (like a chump), and they lost. This isn't a big deal, the Bills lose all the time. Shortly after the game ended Mr. Johnson posted this on Twitter: "I PRAISE YOU 24/7!!!!!! AND THIS HOW YOU DO ME!!!!! YOU EXPECT ME TO LEARN FROM THIS??? HOW???!!! ILL NEVER FORGET THIS!! EVER!!! THX THO..."
That's right lady and gentleman, he blamed god for his fuck up! That is awesome! It is about time. Every time some athletic jack ass wins a game, or some douche bag gets an award, they thank god. It is like god is some kind of gambling addict who needs these assholes to win so he can pay rent. It is refreshing to see one of these schmucks go the other way with it, and blame him for losses. Let's pretend god exists, why would he/she/it care about these things? Who wants to worship some asshole who cares so much about a stupid regular season game. Also, Steve, you should have known that god hates you, you play in Buffalo.
Now all we need is for someone to win it big and praise Satan.
Hail Satan!
Scott
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