Dear Reader,
Holy fucking shit, it is hot outside! I'm sure you've noticed this by now (If not, stay inside! Whatever you do, stay inside!). A weather expert (wexpert?) has been quoted, "It is hotter than the Devil's taint out there!" That expert may have been me. It is so skin bubbling hot, that my tears boil upon hitting the open air. If you are anything like me, you contemplate suicide (a permanent solution to every problem) every three seconds where you are open to the elements. My latest suicide fantasy involves committing seppuku. My reasoning is two fold: 1.) I think that the sudden lack of intestines, and the breeze entering my torso cavity, would have a nice cooling effect before i pass on. 2.) I deserve to die, with honor. Sometimes, you just can't find a sword, so here are some other things you can do to cope with the grueling heat (in typical Another Internet Blog fashion, these will be full of death and mayhem):
Play with some animals:
Like a leopard. In India, a leopard wandered into a village and freaked the shit out. Spots was overwhelmed by all the folks screaming "HOLY SHIT THERE'S A FUCKING LEOPARD HERE!" (again I am not good with foreign languages), and he started swiping people. This caused them to stab, throw rocks, and beat the aforementioned leopard, until some forest guards eventually shot it with a tranquilizer. In the end, 11 people were hurt, and one leopard died (due to the stabbing). On the bright side, the attack really brought the village together.
Go to the beach:
What's that in the sand? Oh rotting corpse. No big deal, probably some hooker who changed her price. Oh wait, hookers are rarely 30 feet long (not since that one time). This is probably a whale of some kind, but maybe its a shark of some kind. We can argue all night long about what it could be, but we can all agree that there is rotting sea monster porn somewhere on the Internet by now (the Internet is a dark and magical place like that).
Get your feet wet:
Like three folks did at Yosemite. As you could have guessed (because this I'm writing this) the three folks ate it hard, and died. These three (for lack of a better word) idiots, decided to ignore warning signs, go under a railing, and stand on a rock in the middle of the river leading to a 317 foot waterfall drop. This didn't end well. They fell in and went over the falls. They fell, hard. The three were described as "church role models." I'm unsure why they need the church qualifier there. Maybe church means that reading or common sense are not things one uses for church styled role modeling. My favorite part in all of this, is that Yosemite officials are not adding any more warnings or changing the railing. People like this were going to get picked off by nature at some point soon anyway, it wasn't the waterfalls' fault.
Go to a concert:
Like a nice Cheap Trick concert in Canada. During Cheap Trick's set during the Ottawa Bluesfest, wind got fucking serious. The stage went down faster than Michele Bachmann's husband in a room full of glory holes. This story was pretty uneventful, aside from making Cheap Trick relevant again (even if only for a moment). No one went all Great White, and got stampeded/burned to death. No one got straight up murdered, like Dimebag Darrell at that Pantera show (granted, that moment was very metal, its just a shame it didn't happen at a U2 concert (I mean how hard would it be to kill Dimebag at a U2 concert?)). It also wasn't a huge tragedy, that every Dave Matthews Band concert is.
You could always just go through with the suicide approach. I don't want to tell you how to live your death.
Scott
Showing posts with label dead celebs. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dead celebs. Show all posts
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
What is this place?
Dear Reader,
Oh hi, friend. I won't even apologize for my lack of updates. I do this so often that saying "I'm sorry" would be worthless. At least it was a quiet couple months since I last put finger to keyboard. Let's take a look at the ol' Interwebs to double check and make sure I missed nothing important. Oh fuck...
In March a giant tentacle rape monster attacked Japan. The attack was reported as an earthquake and a tsunami. Anyone who has typed Japan into the Internet knows that their major contributions are Pokemon and horrific porn. It was only a matter of time before one of their creations leaked into the real world. The rape monster was much like Falcor at the end of the Never Ending Story (that doesn't even make sense) movie. Being ridden by a child hell bent on revenge on a world that wronged him (who names a kid Bastian anyway?). The rape monster attacked the Fukushima nuclear plant in an attempt to create more creatures like itself. Since this happened to non-white people in a land far, far away, we only cared until April something.
Towards the end of April a couple of British folks got married and for some reason we all gave a shit. I think that reason was because the world could finally see what true love is all about and/or we thought it was the conclusion to the Harry Potter movies. Will Harry defeat He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named? Can Ron seal the deal with Hermione? Will they show Dobby dying again (fuck that elf (please don't fuck that elf, it won't end well))? Will they explain why Harry and Hermione said "Merry Christmas to each other in the last film (they are English! It's Happy Christmas there! Everyone knows that!)? It turns out that it was not the thrilling conclusion to the great story ever told. The two just got hitched and played a quick game of Quidditch (I think Puddlemere United won).
Next a team of six Disney cartoon seals killed a crazy old man who had failing kidneys. In case you couldn't figure it out I meant Osama bin Laden. OBL was hiding out in the most frightening place known to man, the suburbs. That's right, he was in Bud Abbottabad (right next to Lou Costellistan) the whole time. Fun fact about Abbottabad: Wikipedia only mentions bin Laden once (you'd think he would be in there for more than a brief sentence). The world has never been so happy to see someone die.
Speaking of dead things, Nate Dogg and "Macho Man" Randy Savage also died. This got me thinking (probably not the best thing), we should kill off celebrities more often. It's much to often the case that our beloved childhood stars die off way past their prime. I think we should borrow a term from bowling, the turkey. Three strikes is a turkey, in bowling. Each bad movie/album/book/sex tape, will be a strike. When a celebrity makes three strikes they will be a turkey, and be killed like a real turkey on Thanksgiving (it really would have been easier if I just went with a baseball reference, but it's not like there is a button to just make what I wrote go away). Anyway, I would much rather remember Pacino and De Niro as great actors instead of the parodies of themselves that they have become. It is a crime that Leslie Nielsen will be remembered as the old guy in the Scary Movie movies (sorry for the redundancy). Not all famous people are as kind as Heath Ledger.
I'm sure you heard of the most recent scandal in Congress. I am of course referring to Anthony Weiner sending pictures of his namesake to some ladies. The media has taken this story as an excuse to cram as many cock puns, that they can pull out of their ass, down our throats. Now I love a good pun as much as the next guy (that guy fucking loves puns), but these junk puns got old, quickly. Furthermore, why did Mr. Weiner have to take advice from a Taio Cruz and Ke$ha?
Then, Congressman Darrell Issa is trying to get to the bottom of a sticky situation (not that kind of sticky, perv). It would seem that the Phoenix ATF gave a bunch of guns to gun traffickers so they could trace where the guns went. If you think this is a stupid idea, then you clearly don't work for the government. As you can guess, they lost track of the guns, and the guns were used to kill people. Issa is trying to find out who had this great idea. I'm sure all of that is noteworthy somehow, the part that piqued my interest as the name of this operation: Fast and Furious. Really? We are naming ATF operations after Vin Diesel movies? It's the fourth in the Fast and Furious franchise! Was operation 2 Fast 2 Furious a bit too on the nose?
Finally, Lebronny Bron Bron James and the Miami Wades (poor forgettable Bosh) lost to Mark Cuban and the Nowitzki Express, in basketball. James held a big televised event to explain what happened. It was called The Explanation. It was an hour and fifty eight minutes of bullshit until the end where he said, "I only take my talents to the end of the third quarter." Cleveland, is still a horrible place to be.
Maybe I missed a thing or two,
Scott
Oh hi, friend. I won't even apologize for my lack of updates. I do this so often that saying "I'm sorry" would be worthless. At least it was a quiet couple months since I last put finger to keyboard. Let's take a look at the ol' Interwebs to double check and make sure I missed nothing important. Oh fuck...
In March a giant tentacle rape monster attacked Japan. The attack was reported as an earthquake and a tsunami. Anyone who has typed Japan into the Internet knows that their major contributions are Pokemon and horrific porn. It was only a matter of time before one of their creations leaked into the real world. The rape monster was much like Falcor at the end of the Never Ending Story (that doesn't even make sense) movie. Being ridden by a child hell bent on revenge on a world that wronged him (who names a kid Bastian anyway?). The rape monster attacked the Fukushima nuclear plant in an attempt to create more creatures like itself. Since this happened to non-white people in a land far, far away, we only cared until April something.
Towards the end of April a couple of British folks got married and for some reason we all gave a shit. I think that reason was because the world could finally see what true love is all about and/or we thought it was the conclusion to the Harry Potter movies. Will Harry defeat He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named? Can Ron seal the deal with Hermione? Will they show Dobby dying again (fuck that elf (please don't fuck that elf, it won't end well))? Will they explain why Harry and Hermione said "Merry Christmas to each other in the last film (they are English! It's Happy Christmas there! Everyone knows that!)? It turns out that it was not the thrilling conclusion to the great story ever told. The two just got hitched and played a quick game of Quidditch (I think Puddlemere United won).
Next a team of six Disney cartoon seals killed a crazy old man who had failing kidneys. In case you couldn't figure it out I meant Osama bin Laden. OBL was hiding out in the most frightening place known to man, the suburbs. That's right, he was in Bud Abbottabad (right next to Lou Costellistan) the whole time. Fun fact about Abbottabad: Wikipedia only mentions bin Laden once (you'd think he would be in there for more than a brief sentence). The world has never been so happy to see someone die.
Speaking of dead things, Nate Dogg and "Macho Man" Randy Savage also died. This got me thinking (probably not the best thing), we should kill off celebrities more often. It's much to often the case that our beloved childhood stars die off way past their prime. I think we should borrow a term from bowling, the turkey. Three strikes is a turkey, in bowling. Each bad movie/album/book/sex tape, will be a strike. When a celebrity makes three strikes they will be a turkey, and be killed like a real turkey on Thanksgiving (it really would have been easier if I just went with a baseball reference, but it's not like there is a button to just make what I wrote go away). Anyway, I would much rather remember Pacino and De Niro as great actors instead of the parodies of themselves that they have become. It is a crime that Leslie Nielsen will be remembered as the old guy in the Scary Movie movies (sorry for the redundancy). Not all famous people are as kind as Heath Ledger.
I'm sure you heard of the most recent scandal in Congress. I am of course referring to Anthony Weiner sending pictures of his namesake to some ladies. The media has taken this story as an excuse to cram as many cock puns, that they can pull out of their ass, down our throats. Now I love a good pun as much as the next guy (that guy fucking loves puns), but these junk puns got old, quickly. Furthermore, why did Mr. Weiner have to take advice from a Taio Cruz and Ke$ha?
Then, Congressman Darrell Issa is trying to get to the bottom of a sticky situation (not that kind of sticky, perv). It would seem that the Phoenix ATF gave a bunch of guns to gun traffickers so they could trace where the guns went. If you think this is a stupid idea, then you clearly don't work for the government. As you can guess, they lost track of the guns, and the guns were used to kill people. Issa is trying to find out who had this great idea. I'm sure all of that is noteworthy somehow, the part that piqued my interest as the name of this operation: Fast and Furious. Really? We are naming ATF operations after Vin Diesel movies? It's the fourth in the Fast and Furious franchise! Was operation 2 Fast 2 Furious a bit too on the nose?
Finally, Lebronny Bron Bron James and the Miami Wades (poor forgettable Bosh) lost to Mark Cuban and the Nowitzki Express, in basketball. James held a big televised event to explain what happened. It was called The Explanation. It was an hour and fifty eight minutes of bullshit until the end where he said, "I only take my talents to the end of the third quarter." Cleveland, is still a horrible place to be.
Maybe I missed a thing or two,
Scott
Thursday, February 24, 2011
It's not as big of a celebration!
Dear Reader,
Happy birthday AIB 3:
Paul the Octopus
Paul was the latest sensation in a long line of "psychic" animals. If you missed the World Cup, then you probably don't know who Paul is. This cephalopod correctly predicted the outcome of every German game in the 2010 World Cup, as well as the final match. How could an octopus predict soccer outcomes? Well he would try to eat a muscle from a box, that had a country's flag on it (the box, not the muscle). Amazingly, he was never wrong.
Was he psychic, or just choosing flags based on what octopi like? It is believed in community of folks who love octopi, that they like horizontal shapes, and bright colors (they, like me, are color blind but can see brightness). Also he mostly chose the right hand (tentacle?) box, so that is possibly the case as well. Also, no one mentions that he got two incorrect, when he was picking games in the UEFA Euro 2008. Also, he died before they could do extensive studying.
He had many death threats, when he picked Spain to beat Germany in the semi-final. It would appear, that there are many German people (idiots) who seriously thought Paul could control the outcomes of games. To be fair to Germans, there are idiots all over the world.
In America we have Punxsutawney Phil. If you don't know Philly (I'm glad you chose my website to go to after awaking from your coma (which you started in 1887 (wow you are really old, I'm impressed you're not dead (oh, you are dead, never mind)))), he is a groundhog that predicts how much winter America will have. I will let my dear friend (Wikipedia) give you folklore of PP:
Zoological data suggest that groundhogs have an average lifespan of ten years in captivity and six years in the wild, with a maximum lifespan of 14 years in captivity documented. Punxsutawney Phil fans say that there is only one Phil (all the other groundhog weathermen are impostors), and that he has made weather prognostications for over 121 years as of 2011. They say that every summer, Phil is given a sip of the mysterious Groundhog Elixir, which magically lengthens his life for seven years. This is done by Inner Circle members. According to the Groundhog Club, Phil, after making the prediction, speaks to the Club President in "Groundhogese", which only the Inner Circle appear to understand, and then his prediction is translated for the entire world.
The Groundhog Day celebration is rooted in a German superstition that says if a hibernating animal casts a shadow on Feb. 2, the Pagan holiday of Imbolc, winter will last another six weeks. If no shadow was seen, legend said spring would come early. Pennsylvania's prophetic rodent doesn't see much of anything. The result is decided in advance by 14 members of the Inner Circle, who don tuxedos and top hats for the event.
The people of Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania are morons. Phil has an accuracy rating of 39%, with odds like that, you're better off flipping a coin. There are only two good things about Punxy Punx. One is the movie Groundhog Day (oh Bill Murray, you are hilarious). The other (and better) thing is that the ceremony takes place in Gobbler's Knob, PA. That town, doesn't even try to hide the fact that the town is a blow job.
Back to Pauly O, he was not air bombed by the Luftwaffe. Sadly, he was only murdered by the ravages of old age (he was two). Octopi are useless.
You might think, that I am overly upset with these animals for no reason. I have a reason. They are taking attention away from my own psychic animals. That is correct, I run my own menagerie of gifted animals. I am like Professor X. from the X-Men (Patrick Stewart is also playing me in an upcoming biopic of my life). Anyway, here are some of the inhabitants of Scott's Home for Animals with Fucking Super Powers!:
Carlos, the Magnificent: Carlos is a Komodo dragon that knows if that girl you selpt with was older than eighteen (she wasn't).
Tallahassee Terrance, the Telekinetic Tiger: Quintuple T can lift balloons with his mind (balloons must first be filled with helium).
Abigail, the sloth: Abby knows where you buried that hooker.
Fantastic Rodolfo: This bear can predict when and how you will die (he needs to bite your face first (incidentally that also how you die)).
Mike the spider: Mike can always see you. He knows your fears.
The Awesome Swarm: They are a swarm of army ants. You get thrown in their tank, and they make you (with their mind powers!) regret every decision you made in life that led to that moment you were thrown in their tank.
Sebastian and Margaret: This happy couple of dolphins can levitate (briefly, it may only look like they are jumping out of the water).
And three others!
I know this isn't the largest collection of animals in the world, but psychic beings are hard to find. If you wold like a ticket to Scott's Home for Animals with Fucking Super Powers, then just email $1,000 (you can email money right?) to anotherinternetscott@gmail.com.
If the curator of the Bronx Zoo asks you about their missing animals, you did not read any of this. Also, if you know how to stop a hoard of army ants, please let me know.
Their constant tiny bites hurt ever so much,
Scott
Happy birthday AIB 3:
Paul the Octopus
Paul was the latest sensation in a long line of "psychic" animals. If you missed the World Cup, then you probably don't know who Paul is. This cephalopod correctly predicted the outcome of every German game in the 2010 World Cup, as well as the final match. How could an octopus predict soccer outcomes? Well he would try to eat a muscle from a box, that had a country's flag on it (the box, not the muscle). Amazingly, he was never wrong.
Was he psychic, or just choosing flags based on what octopi like? It is believed in community of folks who love octopi, that they like horizontal shapes, and bright colors (they, like me, are color blind but can see brightness). Also he mostly chose the right hand (tentacle?) box, so that is possibly the case as well. Also, no one mentions that he got two incorrect, when he was picking games in the UEFA Euro 2008. Also, he died before they could do extensive studying.
He had many death threats, when he picked Spain to beat Germany in the semi-final. It would appear, that there are many German people (idiots) who seriously thought Paul could control the outcomes of games. To be fair to Germans, there are idiots all over the world.
In America we have Punxsutawney Phil. If you don't know Philly (I'm glad you chose my website to go to after awaking from your coma (which you started in 1887 (wow you are really old, I'm impressed you're not dead (oh, you are dead, never mind)))), he is a groundhog that predicts how much winter America will have. I will let my dear friend (Wikipedia) give you folklore of PP:
Zoological data suggest that groundhogs have an average lifespan of ten years in captivity and six years in the wild, with a maximum lifespan of 14 years in captivity documented. Punxsutawney Phil fans say that there is only one Phil (all the other groundhog weathermen are impostors), and that he has made weather prognostications for over 121 years as of 2011. They say that every summer, Phil is given a sip of the mysterious Groundhog Elixir, which magically lengthens his life for seven years. This is done by Inner Circle members. According to the Groundhog Club, Phil, after making the prediction, speaks to the Club President in "Groundhogese", which only the Inner Circle appear to understand, and then his prediction is translated for the entire world.
The Groundhog Day celebration is rooted in a German superstition that says if a hibernating animal casts a shadow on Feb. 2, the Pagan holiday of Imbolc, winter will last another six weeks. If no shadow was seen, legend said spring would come early. Pennsylvania's prophetic rodent doesn't see much of anything. The result is decided in advance by 14 members of the Inner Circle, who don tuxedos and top hats for the event.
The people of Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania are morons. Phil has an accuracy rating of 39%, with odds like that, you're better off flipping a coin. There are only two good things about Punxy Punx. One is the movie Groundhog Day (oh Bill Murray, you are hilarious). The other (and better) thing is that the ceremony takes place in Gobbler's Knob, PA. That town, doesn't even try to hide the fact that the town is a blow job.
Back to Pauly O, he was not air bombed by the Luftwaffe. Sadly, he was only murdered by the ravages of old age (he was two). Octopi are useless.
You might think, that I am overly upset with these animals for no reason. I have a reason. They are taking attention away from my own psychic animals. That is correct, I run my own menagerie of gifted animals. I am like Professor X. from the X-Men (Patrick Stewart is also playing me in an upcoming biopic of my life). Anyway, here are some of the inhabitants of Scott's Home for Animals with Fucking Super Powers!:
Carlos, the Magnificent: Carlos is a Komodo dragon that knows if that girl you selpt with was older than eighteen (she wasn't).
Tallahassee Terrance, the Telekinetic Tiger: Quintuple T can lift balloons with his mind (balloons must first be filled with helium).
Abigail, the sloth: Abby knows where you buried that hooker.
Fantastic Rodolfo: This bear can predict when and how you will die (he needs to bite your face first (incidentally that also how you die)).
Mike the spider: Mike can always see you. He knows your fears.
The Awesome Swarm: They are a swarm of army ants. You get thrown in their tank, and they make you (with their mind powers!) regret every decision you made in life that led to that moment you were thrown in their tank.
Sebastian and Margaret: This happy couple of dolphins can levitate (briefly, it may only look like they are jumping out of the water).
And three others!
I know this isn't the largest collection of animals in the world, but psychic beings are hard to find. If you wold like a ticket to Scott's Home for Animals with Fucking Super Powers, then just email $1,000 (you can email money right?) to anotherinternetscott@gmail.com.
If the curator of the Bronx Zoo asks you about their missing animals, you did not read any of this. Also, if you know how to stop a hoard of army ants, please let me know.
Their constant tiny bites hurt ever so much,
Scott
Thursday, August 19, 2010
An Infrequent Update
Dear Reader,
Sorry I have been gone for just about a month. I probably should have posted something on here. I mean a lot has been going on:
Lebron James is taking names of all who have talk trash about him. Since I like being part of lists: Lebron James is a bitch, who is think way to highly of himself. Lebro-game, I hope South Beach enjoys your talents and you get hep c. Cleveland is so distraught over his leaving they have turned to gambling. That's right Cleveland will be your new casino destination. It'll be nice for the whole city to get together and bet against the Heat in the sports book. Then bookies can have the responsibility of breaking the knee caps of an entire city. Which would be a great job opportunity for those with knee breaking skills. Bring your talents to the mistake by the lake.
The CEO of HP resigned because he was taking Jodie Fisher out on dates on the company dime. That's right Jodie Fisher! The same woman who played Night Nurse #1 in Little Big League!
Brett Favre has unretired again. Grandpa Brett basically taught L. Bron how to destroy the hopes and dreams of a city. I don't care how fucking comfortable he looks in Wrangler jeans, I want Old Man Favre to die. However, I don't want him to die now, I want him to be injured in week one. Like a bad, but not crippling injury. I want him to be healthy enough to keep playing, because he is too much of a douche to sit out a game. This way he ends his career with his worst season. In other words I want the announcers to mention how much fun he is not having out there. Then when the season is over, I want him to mauled to death by a pack of wolves.
Also Heidi Montag's plastic surgeon died. It would seem that in the game of life turning a cute girl into something created from Jim Henson's Creature Shop, is punishable by death. He was driving down the P.C.H. on August 16th, then he decided to (instead of staying on the highway) drive off a fucking cliff. Well he didn't make the conscious effort to drive off the cliff, he was distracted. By what? you ask. He was taking a picture of his dog, and tweeting the aforementioned picture. "Border collie Jill surveying the view from atop the sand dune," were his last words. I bet Jill had a much better view about a minute later. Jill was fine by the way, not wearing a seat belt launched he rout of the car to safety (there's a lesson here somewhere), unlike Frank Ryan (oh yea, i forgot to mention his name), who was trapped in his death mobile. In my world, he tweets the picture after he crashes.
Paul Hogan is not aloud to leave Australia. That's right Crocodile Dundee is still alive! The man who taught us all what is and isn't a knife, was in Sydney for his mother's funeral, and the Australian government is prohibiting his leaving the country. Well he can leave when his debt is paid. He owes taxes on $37.5 million in unclaimed income. So if you want to help him out, send him some cash, I'm sure he will be happy that people remember him. Who would have thought that Yahoo Serious was a better citizen than the Crock Man? Me! I would! Yahoo Serious is awesome! Go watch Reckless Kelly and Young Einstein.
That's a pretty decent recap for now. Maybe i will update more than once a month from now on.
I've missed you,
Scott
Sorry I have been gone for just about a month. I probably should have posted something on here. I mean a lot has been going on:
Lebron James is taking names of all who have talk trash about him. Since I like being part of lists: Lebron James is a bitch, who is think way to highly of himself. Lebro-game, I hope South Beach enjoys your talents and you get hep c. Cleveland is so distraught over his leaving they have turned to gambling. That's right Cleveland will be your new casino destination. It'll be nice for the whole city to get together and bet against the Heat in the sports book. Then bookies can have the responsibility of breaking the knee caps of an entire city. Which would be a great job opportunity for those with knee breaking skills. Bring your talents to the mistake by the lake.
The CEO of HP resigned because he was taking Jodie Fisher out on dates on the company dime. That's right Jodie Fisher! The same woman who played Night Nurse #1 in Little Big League!
Brett Favre has unretired again. Grandpa Brett basically taught L. Bron how to destroy the hopes and dreams of a city. I don't care how fucking comfortable he looks in Wrangler jeans, I want Old Man Favre to die. However, I don't want him to die now, I want him to be injured in week one. Like a bad, but not crippling injury. I want him to be healthy enough to keep playing, because he is too much of a douche to sit out a game. This way he ends his career with his worst season. In other words I want the announcers to mention how much fun he is not having out there. Then when the season is over, I want him to mauled to death by a pack of wolves.
Also Heidi Montag's plastic surgeon died. It would seem that in the game of life turning a cute girl into something created from Jim Henson's Creature Shop, is punishable by death. He was driving down the P.C.H. on August 16th, then he decided to (instead of staying on the highway) drive off a fucking cliff. Well he didn't make the conscious effort to drive off the cliff, he was distracted. By what? you ask. He was taking a picture of his dog, and tweeting the aforementioned picture. "Border collie Jill surveying the view from atop the sand dune," were his last words. I bet Jill had a much better view about a minute later. Jill was fine by the way, not wearing a seat belt launched he rout of the car to safety (there's a lesson here somewhere), unlike Frank Ryan (oh yea, i forgot to mention his name), who was trapped in his death mobile. In my world, he tweets the picture after he crashes.
Paul Hogan is not aloud to leave Australia. That's right Crocodile Dundee is still alive! The man who taught us all what is and isn't a knife, was in Sydney for his mother's funeral, and the Australian government is prohibiting his leaving the country. Well he can leave when his debt is paid. He owes taxes on $37.5 million in unclaimed income. So if you want to help him out, send him some cash, I'm sure he will be happy that people remember him. Who would have thought that Yahoo Serious was a better citizen than the Crock Man? Me! I would! Yahoo Serious is awesome! Go watch Reckless Kelly and Young Einstein.
That's a pretty decent recap for now. Maybe i will update more than once a month from now on.
I've missed you,
Scott
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
You're outta here!
Dear Reader,
A third one of these in a week?! Holy shit, it looks like I finally got ambitious. Don't get all excited yet, odds are this won't last long. Unfortunately for you a special someone died today. That's right George Steinbrenner ate the big eat today. If this is the first you've heard about this, then you really need to get your news from anywhere else.
That's right the owner of the Yankees is gone! Maybe now the Yankees will fall apart as well. Maybe Georgie can Chris Henry the Yankees, and they will lose tragically for the rest of the season! That is a world I want to live in. Then maybe this country can just give up its sad love affair with baseball. Then we can get a real sport in here, like curling. As you are well aware, I hate baseball. The Yankees are the worst part about this social abortion known as baseball.
I am also happy that an ancillary character, based on a real person, from Seinfeld is gone. You're next soup Nazi! Speaking of terrible things, Seinfeld was an awful show. I know everyone loves it, but it is one of the worst shows ever made. I know, I know, I should give it a chance. Well I have, I've had the displeasure of watching most of the series. It used to be on between Simpsons re-runs and I was too lazy to change the channel. The show isn't about nothing. It's abut four of the most unlikeable characters and their unlikable lives. When I see that show, I just want everyone to fail and/or die. An Odd Couple remake with Osama bin Laden and Adolf Hitler would have more sympathetic characters!
Steinny was a liar. Here is what he said after purchasing the Yankees in 1973, "We plan absentee ownership as far as running the Yankees is concerned." Really? You sure there? He was one of the most hands on owners ever. Like a more successful Al Davis (more on Al later!). Also he made all of the players to be clean-shaven and short hair. That is just a douche move. Let them grow beards and long hair. They play a game for a living, they aren't saving lives or doing anything important.
Well now that Steinbrenner is gone, maybe some other owners will follow his lead. Here is a short list of which owners should end it now.
1. Dan Gilbert (owner of the Cleveland Cavaliers) - He will probably just commit suicide, he has had a bad summer. He lost LeBron, and he's in Cleveland. He has nothing to live for. He just made the Browns, the best sports team in Cleveland.
2. Jerry Jones (owner of the Dallas Cowboys) - Just shut the fuck up Jerry. Stop trying to destroy football. He doesn't need the biggest stadium ever built. The salary cap and profit sharing are great things for the sport. Everyone hates the Yankees, and he is like a little 'brenner. Also why the shit what he on Entourage on Sunday? That was awful, just get drunk and bad mouth Bill Parcells again. Then die.
3. Al Davis (owner of the Oakland Raiders (told you I would get to him later (later is now by the way))) - Al Davis has done everything in his power to destroy the Raiders. It is really impressive, if you think about it. Just stop being an owner, gm, and play caller for your team. Also how could we forget the JaMarcus Russell experiment. To help explain the experiment. Imagine Al Davis is making the atomic bomb, and the Raiders are Hiroshima. Have you seen Mr. Davis recently? There are burn victims who are better looking! He is like a bizarre Dorian Gray painting. Whatever he does, to the Raiders, is represented on his face. I think if he looks into a mirror, if he has one, his reflection should do the trick in ending his tyranny.
At least one Yankee is gone,
Scott
A third one of these in a week?! Holy shit, it looks like I finally got ambitious. Don't get all excited yet, odds are this won't last long. Unfortunately for you a special someone died today. That's right George Steinbrenner ate the big eat today. If this is the first you've heard about this, then you really need to get your news from anywhere else.
That's right the owner of the Yankees is gone! Maybe now the Yankees will fall apart as well. Maybe Georgie can Chris Henry the Yankees, and they will lose tragically for the rest of the season! That is a world I want to live in. Then maybe this country can just give up its sad love affair with baseball. Then we can get a real sport in here, like curling. As you are well aware, I hate baseball. The Yankees are the worst part about this social abortion known as baseball.
I am also happy that an ancillary character, based on a real person, from Seinfeld is gone. You're next soup Nazi! Speaking of terrible things, Seinfeld was an awful show. I know everyone loves it, but it is one of the worst shows ever made. I know, I know, I should give it a chance. Well I have, I've had the displeasure of watching most of the series. It used to be on between Simpsons re-runs and I was too lazy to change the channel. The show isn't about nothing. It's abut four of the most unlikeable characters and their unlikable lives. When I see that show, I just want everyone to fail and/or die. An Odd Couple remake with Osama bin Laden and Adolf Hitler would have more sympathetic characters!
Steinny was a liar. Here is what he said after purchasing the Yankees in 1973, "We plan absentee ownership as far as running the Yankees is concerned." Really? You sure there? He was one of the most hands on owners ever. Like a more successful Al Davis (more on Al later!). Also he made all of the players to be clean-shaven and short hair. That is just a douche move. Let them grow beards and long hair. They play a game for a living, they aren't saving lives or doing anything important.
Well now that Steinbrenner is gone, maybe some other owners will follow his lead. Here is a short list of which owners should end it now.
1. Dan Gilbert (owner of the Cleveland Cavaliers) - He will probably just commit suicide, he has had a bad summer. He lost LeBron, and he's in Cleveland. He has nothing to live for. He just made the Browns, the best sports team in Cleveland.
2. Jerry Jones (owner of the Dallas Cowboys) - Just shut the fuck up Jerry. Stop trying to destroy football. He doesn't need the biggest stadium ever built. The salary cap and profit sharing are great things for the sport. Everyone hates the Yankees, and he is like a little 'brenner. Also why the shit what he on Entourage on Sunday? That was awful, just get drunk and bad mouth Bill Parcells again. Then die.
3. Al Davis (owner of the Oakland Raiders (told you I would get to him later (later is now by the way))) - Al Davis has done everything in his power to destroy the Raiders. It is really impressive, if you think about it. Just stop being an owner, gm, and play caller for your team. Also how could we forget the JaMarcus Russell experiment. To help explain the experiment. Imagine Al Davis is making the atomic bomb, and the Raiders are Hiroshima. Have you seen Mr. Davis recently? There are burn victims who are better looking! He is like a bizarre Dorian Gray painting. Whatever he does, to the Raiders, is represented on his face. I think if he looks into a mirror, if he has one, his reflection should do the trick in ending his tyranny.
At least one Yankee is gone,
Scott
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Even in death it sucks to be Gary Coleman
Dear Reader,
Well it been a busy couple of days in the world of celebrity deaths. Which, as you know, is one of my favorite things!
First I would like to talk about Bret Michaels. He didn't die. It was the worst case of celebrity death blue balls ever! First he was rushed to the hospital near the end of April for severe headaches. He was in critical condition, maybe he would slip into a coma. Then VH1 can launch a new dating show: Who Wants to Date a Vegetable with Bret Michaels. How awesome would that show be? VERY AWESOME is the answer. Just imagine a bunch of trashy skanks grinding and getting drunk over his body. They can all fight to change his catheter! I would watch that in a second. Then once he ate the big one VH1 can have Rock of Love marathons! This would be the best thing ever! Sadly none of the happened. He recovered and is doing fine, he even won Celebrity Apprentice. Side note he wore his bandanna in the hospital because he "Wanted to go out rocking." Bullshit! You are a douche who is afraid the world will know that you are a balding sad caricature of your former self.
So that was upsetting, but then May 28th came along and Gary Coleman finally had all of his dreams come true. He died, which he has wanted ever since Diff'rent Strokes got cancelled. One could say that Gary gave life the old Cleveland Try. Finally people would care about him again, the jokes would stop! Unfortunately, he didn't die of a stoke. It would be a different stroke indeed! It was really inconsiderate of him, now Avenue Q has to change their show around to get rid of the Gary Coleman character. Maybe they can use Emmanuel Lewis instead. Now people will spend a couple of days saying good things about him. Not is Dennis Hopper has anything to say about it.
That's right the next day Dennis Hopper goes quietly into the good night. Now a dead there was a dead person people actually cared about. Well there goes my hopes for a Waterworld sequel. Waterworld 2: The Return of the Deacon! At least we can look forward to a Speed, Super Mario Bros, and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 triple feature and your local drive in movie. Maybe when Gary and Dennis meet up int he sideways/purgatory world in Lost and Dennis can give Gary a quick kick to the junk as one last dig. Oh yea if you didn't see the finale of Lost, that's how it ends. Lots of junk punches. Mostly to the loyal fans. What a shitty way to end the show.
Glad I am not G. Coleman,
Scott
Well it been a busy couple of days in the world of celebrity deaths. Which, as you know, is one of my favorite things!
First I would like to talk about Bret Michaels. He didn't die. It was the worst case of celebrity death blue balls ever! First he was rushed to the hospital near the end of April for severe headaches. He was in critical condition, maybe he would slip into a coma. Then VH1 can launch a new dating show: Who Wants to Date a Vegetable with Bret Michaels. How awesome would that show be? VERY AWESOME is the answer. Just imagine a bunch of trashy skanks grinding and getting drunk over his body. They can all fight to change his catheter! I would watch that in a second. Then once he ate the big one VH1 can have Rock of Love marathons! This would be the best thing ever! Sadly none of the happened. He recovered and is doing fine, he even won Celebrity Apprentice. Side note he wore his bandanna in the hospital because he "Wanted to go out rocking." Bullshit! You are a douche who is afraid the world will know that you are a balding sad caricature of your former self.
So that was upsetting, but then May 28th came along and Gary Coleman finally had all of his dreams come true. He died, which he has wanted ever since Diff'rent Strokes got cancelled. One could say that Gary gave life the old Cleveland Try. Finally people would care about him again, the jokes would stop! Unfortunately, he didn't die of a stoke. It would be a different stroke indeed! It was really inconsiderate of him, now Avenue Q has to change their show around to get rid of the Gary Coleman character. Maybe they can use Emmanuel Lewis instead. Now people will spend a couple of days saying good things about him. Not is Dennis Hopper has anything to say about it.
That's right the next day Dennis Hopper goes quietly into the good night. Now a dead there was a dead person people actually cared about. Well there goes my hopes for a Waterworld sequel. Waterworld 2: The Return of the Deacon! At least we can look forward to a Speed, Super Mario Bros, and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 triple feature and your local drive in movie. Maybe when Gary and Dennis meet up int he sideways/purgatory world in Lost and Dennis can give Gary a quick kick to the junk as one last dig. Oh yea if you didn't see the finale of Lost, that's how it ends. Lots of junk punches. Mostly to the loyal fans. What a shitty way to end the show.
Glad I am not G. Coleman,
Scott
Monday, March 15, 2010
Move over Tupac
Dear Reader,
I wanted to do a Michael Jackson post when he died because I love when celebrities die, especially when they have allegedly done something bad (like molest little boys). Sadly I did not have this blog to write about MJ, so I had to wait for some news. Luckily it was reported that Jackson's estate was signed to a ten album record deal fro $250 million. Hooly shit! Hooly?
So now Mr. Shakur won't be the only dead guy releasing new music every year. Is this deal even necessary? Michael has been replaced.
If we need a musician to walk around in a mask for no reason we can always look to that crazy bitch Lady Gaga. It's really cheating to say you have a great Poker Face when you wear masks all the time (have some respect for the game Ms. Gaga)
If we want someone who looks like a terrifying character in a Tim Burton stop motion animated movie we can look at Amy Winehouse. Well we can't look at her for long, because really she has to be eating it in the near future (also if you look at her for too long your eyes melt away, true story).
If we need someone to look at to show us how cosmetic surgery has gone wrong, we have Janice Dickinson. You can literally hit her i the face with a shovel and nothing would happen.
Most importantly, who the douche would buy a new MJ album? He hasn't out out a good song since 1995. Did anyone buy Invincible? I didn't hear a yes. His latest single, the appropriately titled "This Is It" was terrible.
Aside from a bed time story to scare children Michael Jackson is completely irrelevant. However he died, so now we all have to care about it again and pretend that as his face deteriorated so did his music. How cool would it have been if they hooked him up to a marionette system and reenacted the video for "Thriller" at his funeral. That would have been sweet.
My condolences,
Scott
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