Dear Reader,
Well, it has been a year (and seven days) since I began this blog. As a way to thank you (the Reader), I was going to post an entry every weekday this week on news items I never commented on. In proper Another Internet Blog fashion, I did not start on Monday. So I guess I will have to post a new entry everyday from today (Tuesday) to Saturday. Even my "I am a week late on the anniversary" is a day late (I doubt you're surprised).
These entries may not be long or good, but they will be everyday!
Happy birthday AIB 1:
Junior Seau drives off cliff
Pretend this is October 18, 2010 (holy shit how are these midterm elections going to go? (also you're welcome for updating twice in one day (stop saying I don't post often enough))). Remember football great Junior Seau? Well, he drove off a cliff this morning. As you are well aware this blog has a rich history of folks driving off of cliffs. This story is slightly different than our previous friends, who refuse to stay on the top side of a fucking mountain, in that JS survived.
How did this happen? It turns out that Tiaina Baul Seau Jr. (his actual name) was just tuckered out and decided to take a quick naynay while driving. As you may have guessed, this is probably not the best idea, if you goal is to not drive off of a cliff.
Why was he so tired? There are three reasons:
1. It was 2:30 AM. That is pretty late to be joy riding where the world ends. Now, you might be wondering why he was driving so late. That brings us to...
2. He was released from police custody around then, and was heading home. You see, he wanted to just go home and sleep with his girlfriend. So, why was he in police custody?
3. He was there because he was arrested for allegedly beating his girlfriend (that is very tiring, no wonder he fell asleep).
So you see it makes perfect sense now. It a classic story. Man plays football, man retires from football, man meets girl, man beats girl, man gets arrested, man leaves police custody, man falls asleep whilst driving, man drives off cliff. I've seen it hundreds of times (I may or may not drug people at the DMV with NyQuil).
Anyway, TBSJ only suffered minor injuries, and his girlfriend didn't press charges. Everyone lived happily ever after.
Off to the DMV I go,
Scott
Showing posts with label drive off cliff. Show all posts
Showing posts with label drive off cliff. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Cereal and Segway
Dear Reader,
Sorry for the delay, I was trying to be charitable, but failed horribly. You see, I bought myself a box of OchocincOs and that's how it went down. Wide receiving sweetheart of the Cincinnati Bengals, Chad Ochocinco, has got himself his own cereal. PLB Sports put out the cereal. They are the company who put out Flutie Flakes and Big Ben Beef Jerky. Big Ben isn't a joke, but incredibly true! He would have his own line of beef jerky products. With every bag Benny Double Bacon, forcibly shoves beef jerky down your throat until you pass out. Back to the cereal. With every box bought, three American dollars gets donate to the Feed the Children charity. If you feel so inclined, you can also call the Feed the Children charity to donate more. Instead of getting the charity, when you call the number printed on the box, you get a phone sex line. So instead of helping needy children, you get the opportunity to let loose some knuckle children tot he voice of an anonymous female. So really, it's a toss up for which is better.
On to some more news!
I'm sure you've been to your local mall, and seen the mall security officers riding their Segway around (to scoot about and protect). These bad boys move and a blindingly fast twelve miles per hour. They move by you leaning forward. How do you go faster? Lean harder! With such amazing controls as that, its no wonder that they have been considered unsafe. Wearing a helmet is strongly suggested. Its like a lame motorcycle, maybe you could form some shitty gang of Segway owners. In 2009 a British guy named James Heselden bought the Segway company. Now I can segue into this (Get it? Segue! Segway! OK I'll stop this now.) James Heselden is dead.
Jimmy drove his Segway off a cliff.
I couldn't think of anything to follow the last line,
Scott
Sorry for the delay, I was trying to be charitable, but failed horribly. You see, I bought myself a box of OchocincOs and that's how it went down. Wide receiving sweetheart of the Cincinnati Bengals, Chad Ochocinco, has got himself his own cereal. PLB Sports put out the cereal. They are the company who put out Flutie Flakes and Big Ben Beef Jerky. Big Ben isn't a joke, but incredibly true! He would have his own line of beef jerky products. With every bag Benny Double Bacon, forcibly shoves beef jerky down your throat until you pass out. Back to the cereal. With every box bought, three American dollars gets donate to the Feed the Children charity. If you feel so inclined, you can also call the Feed the Children charity to donate more. Instead of getting the charity, when you call the number printed on the box, you get a phone sex line. So instead of helping needy children, you get the opportunity to let loose some knuckle children tot he voice of an anonymous female. So really, it's a toss up for which is better.
On to some more news!
I'm sure you've been to your local mall, and seen the mall security officers riding their Segway around (to scoot about and protect). These bad boys move and a blindingly fast twelve miles per hour. They move by you leaning forward. How do you go faster? Lean harder! With such amazing controls as that, its no wonder that they have been considered unsafe. Wearing a helmet is strongly suggested. Its like a lame motorcycle, maybe you could form some shitty gang of Segway owners. In 2009 a British guy named James Heselden bought the Segway company. Now I can segue into this (Get it? Segue! Segway! OK I'll stop this now.) James Heselden is dead.
Jimmy drove his Segway off a cliff.
I couldn't think of anything to follow the last line,
Scott
Thursday, August 19, 2010
An Infrequent Update
Dear Reader,
Sorry I have been gone for just about a month. I probably should have posted something on here. I mean a lot has been going on:
Lebron James is taking names of all who have talk trash about him. Since I like being part of lists: Lebron James is a bitch, who is think way to highly of himself. Lebro-game, I hope South Beach enjoys your talents and you get hep c. Cleveland is so distraught over his leaving they have turned to gambling. That's right Cleveland will be your new casino destination. It'll be nice for the whole city to get together and bet against the Heat in the sports book. Then bookies can have the responsibility of breaking the knee caps of an entire city. Which would be a great job opportunity for those with knee breaking skills. Bring your talents to the mistake by the lake.
The CEO of HP resigned because he was taking Jodie Fisher out on dates on the company dime. That's right Jodie Fisher! The same woman who played Night Nurse #1 in Little Big League!
Brett Favre has unretired again. Grandpa Brett basically taught L. Bron how to destroy the hopes and dreams of a city. I don't care how fucking comfortable he looks in Wrangler jeans, I want Old Man Favre to die. However, I don't want him to die now, I want him to be injured in week one. Like a bad, but not crippling injury. I want him to be healthy enough to keep playing, because he is too much of a douche to sit out a game. This way he ends his career with his worst season. In other words I want the announcers to mention how much fun he is not having out there. Then when the season is over, I want him to mauled to death by a pack of wolves.
Also Heidi Montag's plastic surgeon died. It would seem that in the game of life turning a cute girl into something created from Jim Henson's Creature Shop, is punishable by death. He was driving down the P.C.H. on August 16th, then he decided to (instead of staying on the highway) drive off a fucking cliff. Well he didn't make the conscious effort to drive off the cliff, he was distracted. By what? you ask. He was taking a picture of his dog, and tweeting the aforementioned picture. "Border collie Jill surveying the view from atop the sand dune," were his last words. I bet Jill had a much better view about a minute later. Jill was fine by the way, not wearing a seat belt launched he rout of the car to safety (there's a lesson here somewhere), unlike Frank Ryan (oh yea, i forgot to mention his name), who was trapped in his death mobile. In my world, he tweets the picture after he crashes.
Paul Hogan is not aloud to leave Australia. That's right Crocodile Dundee is still alive! The man who taught us all what is and isn't a knife, was in Sydney for his mother's funeral, and the Australian government is prohibiting his leaving the country. Well he can leave when his debt is paid. He owes taxes on $37.5 million in unclaimed income. So if you want to help him out, send him some cash, I'm sure he will be happy that people remember him. Who would have thought that Yahoo Serious was a better citizen than the Crock Man? Me! I would! Yahoo Serious is awesome! Go watch Reckless Kelly and Young Einstein.
That's a pretty decent recap for now. Maybe i will update more than once a month from now on.
I've missed you,
Scott
Sorry I have been gone for just about a month. I probably should have posted something on here. I mean a lot has been going on:
Lebron James is taking names of all who have talk trash about him. Since I like being part of lists: Lebron James is a bitch, who is think way to highly of himself. Lebro-game, I hope South Beach enjoys your talents and you get hep c. Cleveland is so distraught over his leaving they have turned to gambling. That's right Cleveland will be your new casino destination. It'll be nice for the whole city to get together and bet against the Heat in the sports book. Then bookies can have the responsibility of breaking the knee caps of an entire city. Which would be a great job opportunity for those with knee breaking skills. Bring your talents to the mistake by the lake.
The CEO of HP resigned because he was taking Jodie Fisher out on dates on the company dime. That's right Jodie Fisher! The same woman who played Night Nurse #1 in Little Big League!
Brett Favre has unretired again. Grandpa Brett basically taught L. Bron how to destroy the hopes and dreams of a city. I don't care how fucking comfortable he looks in Wrangler jeans, I want Old Man Favre to die. However, I don't want him to die now, I want him to be injured in week one. Like a bad, but not crippling injury. I want him to be healthy enough to keep playing, because he is too much of a douche to sit out a game. This way he ends his career with his worst season. In other words I want the announcers to mention how much fun he is not having out there. Then when the season is over, I want him to mauled to death by a pack of wolves.
Also Heidi Montag's plastic surgeon died. It would seem that in the game of life turning a cute girl into something created from Jim Henson's Creature Shop, is punishable by death. He was driving down the P.C.H. on August 16th, then he decided to (instead of staying on the highway) drive off a fucking cliff. Well he didn't make the conscious effort to drive off the cliff, he was distracted. By what? you ask. He was taking a picture of his dog, and tweeting the aforementioned picture. "Border collie Jill surveying the view from atop the sand dune," were his last words. I bet Jill had a much better view about a minute later. Jill was fine by the way, not wearing a seat belt launched he rout of the car to safety (there's a lesson here somewhere), unlike Frank Ryan (oh yea, i forgot to mention his name), who was trapped in his death mobile. In my world, he tweets the picture after he crashes.
Paul Hogan is not aloud to leave Australia. That's right Crocodile Dundee is still alive! The man who taught us all what is and isn't a knife, was in Sydney for his mother's funeral, and the Australian government is prohibiting his leaving the country. Well he can leave when his debt is paid. He owes taxes on $37.5 million in unclaimed income. So if you want to help him out, send him some cash, I'm sure he will be happy that people remember him. Who would have thought that Yahoo Serious was a better citizen than the Crock Man? Me! I would! Yahoo Serious is awesome! Go watch Reckless Kelly and Young Einstein.
That's a pretty decent recap for now. Maybe i will update more than once a month from now on.
I've missed you,
Scott
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