A night at the theatre

Dear Reader,

Recently, I had the opportunity to watch the new Spider-Man musical on Broadway. I went into the evening thinking that the play was going to be horrible. Not because I hate comics or musicals (I fucking love those things!), but because it is an insanely difficult thing to successfully execute. So I was going into this event expecting something awful, and leave it to the assholes who made it to not disappoint. It must be noted that this was a preview of the show, it doesn't premiere until the new year. I understand if there are some technical issues or flubbed lines.

Let's start off with the fact that Bono and The Edge did the music for this piece of shit. That is the first red flag for the production. U2 sucks. They can't even count to fourteen correctly, in Spanish. Also Bono is a massive douche, and should be drawn and quartered for crimes against humanity. That being said, at least some of U2's songs are catchy, even if it is in the "holy shit this is so bad, I think it gave my ears herpes!" kind of way. The producers of Spidey wish the music was that bad. The music is so generic and boring, I felt completely indifferent towards it. I don't remember a single thing about the music of this fucking show. Even a bad musical will have you hum the songs after.

The full title of this shit pile is Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark. What the fuck does that mean? There was a song titled "Turn Off the Dark," but since it was a song in this play I don't remember a fucking thing about it. According to my research (Wikipedia) The title comes from Bono. He remember a story of a child saying "turn off the dark," instead of "turn on the lights," when he wanted to lights on in a room. Really? Would Bono not leave production meetings until he got his filth on everything? Julie Taymor (producer of this mess) says that Spider-Man is bringing some light to the darkness, or some bullshit. So if assbag Bono wasn't in the room, this shit would be called Spider-Man: Turn On the Lights? Why was he telling this story of that docuhebag kid in the first place? Why would anyone want to talk to him?

So you have no reason to see this abomination if you like music. Let us move on to the story. The following paragraphs is jam packed with spoilers.

Act 1:

Four asshole kids are talking about writing the origin story of Spider-Man. They mention the comics so they are not making up the story, they are just telling it, for some reason that is never revealed. Before they get into Peter Parker and company, they talk about the Greek story of Arachne. You may be asking why they would do this. I have no idea, she has nothing to do with the comics. To give a recap, Arachne was some olde timey Greek broad who could weave like none other, and she would brag about this fact all the time (she even said she was better than Athena!). Athena didn't like how this bitch was putting her on blast, so she challenged Arachne to a duel. It was the most hardcore duel ever! They weaved. Arachne won, so Athena turned her into a spider. Arachne was the first person spider. Do you care yet? I didn't think so.

Now they get into the story. You know this story. Peter Parker is a nerd who is in love with his neighbor Mary Jane. On a class trip to Norman Osborn's scientific facility, Dub P gets bit by a radioactive spider, thus becoming out web-slinging friend (old news). Also it must be noted that Osborn talks to the four kids from earlier, which makes no sense (they are making this story up kind of). Now Peter learns he has powers and wrestles a guy to make some money.

Some notes on this scene. Those asshole kids are back and one of them mentions "Sunday Bloody Sunday." How much creative control did Bono have, and I don't think Taymor could be any further up his ass if she was his large intestine. Also the guy he is wrestling is a giant blow up doll, which looks just stupid.

On his way home from getting his money, he doesn't help a bully who is getting his car stolen. Uncle Ben (Peter's uncle) tries to save the day but get hit by the car and dies. This is supposed to be the most important part of the Spider-Man story. This is why he becomes a super hero. However the only time we saw Uncle Ben is when he is yelling at Peter for getting his ass kicked, so you don;t care that he died. They fucked up the most important part of the entire story. While Pete is sleeping Arachne meets him in his dream... I think. Arachne is now a nightmare inducing giant spider with a woman torso above her thorax. I think she gives him his costume at this point, this is all very vague (I know we are only in Act 1 still, it felt even longer sitting through it).

Spider-Man is running around saving the day (like he does). Osborn is pressured to use his experiments on himself to become powerful. In an experiment gone awry , he kills his wife and become the Green Goblin. He starts terrorizing the city (like he does). J. Jonah Jameson (head of the Daily Bugle newspaper) claims that Spidey is the real terror. Eventually Duble G has Spider-Man at the top of the Empire State Building, and is threatening to kill MJ. Did I mention his is doing this by tying her to a piano and throwing the aforementioned piano off the building? The Goblin took notes from Wile E. Coyote. Somehow Spider-Man saved Mary Jane and tied Greeny to the piano, thus killing him.

That was Act One. Holy fuck an hour and a half went by! This was the entire first Spider-Man movie, but a very bad version of it. There is still another Act! There is clearly no god.

Act 2:

Those asshole kids are back. Some of them think the story is over too. Spidey just beat his ultimate enemy in the Goblin. Oh no he wasn't the ultimate. So they introduce the Sinister Six (Carnage, Lizard, Electro, Swiss Miss, Kraven and Swarm). If you know the comics (or don't) you must know one thing strange about Swiss Miss. Swiss Miss isn't from the comics either, the kids even mention that they just made her up. There are hundreds of actual villains for them to choose from, but they make up some asshole for no reason. All six of these goons are easily taken care of, by Parker. Clearly they are not the ultimate either. Arachne is back again for no reason, now she has like six other people sized spider friends (no one cares).

Things are not going well for Peter, his relationship with MJ is strained because he is busy saving everyone. He throws his costume away. This action makes his powers go away? That is what I asked when they made a big deal, that he threw away his powers. PP and MJ are dancing at a discotheque (to what? (a fucking U2 song (at this point I attempted suicide))), when there is a black out. The Green Goblin is back and he released the Sinister Six, terror ensues.

Reports are telling JJJ that the shit is hitting all kinds of fans (people are being murdered, shoes are being stolen (yes they mention that hundreds of shoes are stolen (this is somehow equally important as murder (due to my failed suicide attempt, I begin crying uncontrollably))). The kids are talking about the story again, but are interrupted by Arachne's spider friends. How are they attacking the people telling the story. Its like the end The Neverending Story, but with less whimsy. The kids are never seen again (why have them in the first place?!). Peter is still just being Peter, not helping anyone or anything. Him and Mary Jane seem perfectly fine with the world ending.

Now we hang out with Arachne and Company again. They sing a song about shoes. Read that last sentence again. They now have people legs with high-healed shoes on. The shoes somehow give Arachne the power to turn into a chick again. She goes to Trip J to have him write a headline to get Spider-Man. Her place works, and Spider-Man returns. He easily dispatches of the Green Goblin and the Six other assholes again. All seems like it would be fine and dandy, but MJ is kidnapped... again.

Arachne has MJ in a web. She is also a giant fuck off spider lady again. Shoes are only a temporary fix, I guess. Spider-Man says that Arachne can take him, but she has to let MJ go. This apparently moved her so much that she said that she will let them both go and she is no free form her curse. Did Taymor realize that this play would never fucking end? What an abrupt and stupid way to deal with this shit. Oh I forgot one more bit. It was all a dream. Arachne made Peter dream all the events after Green Goblin died at the end of the first act. Basically, it is like when Victoria Principle saw Patrick Duffy in the shower in Dallas. So those asshole kids were taken care of by things that were a dream in the thing they were making up! This is the worst homage to Inception ever!

That's how it fucking ends! I am also done with the spoilers, so you can read again.

Scott, was it all bad? I know it may seem like it was, but there were some redeeming qualities. The sets were amazing. They looked like they were in the comics, it was extremely well done. This was the Broadway equivalent to Avatar. Great to look at, but otherwise a giant mound of dog shit.There were a lot of stunts in the play too (some high flying excitement!). They had to stop down once, but that was fine (as I said it was a preview show so stop downs and some fuck ups are OK).

If you have to decide on seeing this play or sticking your face in a bear trap, choose the bear trap. Unless you get a hard on for set design, steer clear of this theatrical abortion.

Fuck you Julie Taymor,
Scott

Baseball can hardly even be considered a sport

Dear Reader,

Unfortunately, it has come to my attention that baseball season is once again in full effect. I can't think of a bigger waste of time than baseball. Basically you are watching a bunch of douche-bags stand around, while two people play catch via an intermediary. Sometimes someone runs.

Another problem with baseball is that the season is 162 games long. Let me write that down with words so it looks longer. The season is one hundred sixty two games long. Hot damn! That is unnecessary! Is there really a need for that many games to prove how good the teams are? No. Football does this in 16 games. Football is obviously ten times as efficient as baseball. I did some research and I found that the fewest games won by a team, in one season, was 20 by the Cleveland Spiders in 1899 (how awesome is it that even back then Cleveland sucked? Pretty awesome). Also the fewest games lost by a team, in one season was 36 by the Chicago Cubs in 1906. Why am I mentioning these two stats? They indicate that the baseball season should be 56 games shorter. Every team is expected to have at least 20 wins and 36 losses, so they don't even need to play those games.

Did you see that? I just made baseball more productive.

When I am in a position where I am watching baseball, (I try to avoid this as much as possible. (People who know me also try to avoid me watching baseball with them as much as possible as well.)) I almost always root for the home team to be up by the start of the bottom of the 9th inning. This way the game is a half inning shorter. If for whatever terrible reason the home team can't accomplish this, i will then root for the away team, since the home team let me down. The two special cases where this is not the case are Red Sox and Yankees games. I will always root against both of those teams (mainly because they have, hands down, the most obnoxious fan bases). If the Red Sox are playing the Yankees, then I will root against the Yankees. The Yankees are easily my least favorite aspect of my least favorite activity.

What kind of sissy men are baseball players if they can't play in the rain? Its rain! You want to play outside, deal with the weather. Grow a pair.

I would write more on this subject, but it's just going to make me upset. Fuck baseball. I hope everyone associated with the game gets a new strain of syphilis that can only be cured by getting vertically sawed in half.

The only good thing about baseball is the movie A League of Their Own. By the way Dottie DID NOT drop the ball on purpose. I will go more into that in a later entry. I must devote my full attention to the subject.

Can't wait for a real sport to start,
Scott

Avatar is an overrated piece of crap

Dear Reader,

As you can see by the title of this post, I think Avatar is wonderful! Well unless you are looking for a good movie. If the quality of a film was based entirely on graphics and special effects, then yes, Avatar is one of the greatest movies ever made. It is visually stunning. However all praise ends there.

It took James Cameron ten years to make this movie. Let's read that again, together this time. It took James Cameron ten years to make this movie. TEN YEARS! That is an entire decade to develop characters, write a story, and work your effects magic. Have you seen Disney's Pocahontas and/or Dances with Wolves? The you've seen Avatar. In ten fucking years one would think you could come up with a movie that wasn't a complete rip off of AT LEAST two other movies. I really wouldn't care that this movie is completely unoriginal, if it wasn't nominated for a best picture awards and it didn't take 120 months to make. I am looking at Wikipedia right now and it says that James wrote an 80 page scriptment for Avatar in 1994. So it actually took him fifteen years to take this massive shit. What an asshole!

His excuse is that he spent so much time creating the planet of Pandora and its rich history, its new language, and all the pretty graphics. I could see where the actual plot could get int he way of all of the superficial nonsense.

In case you haven't seen the movie let me just say this. The people like creatures in the movie have four appendages. The animal like creatures have six appendages. This may seem like its not a big deal, but it is a huge deal. It defies all rules of evolution and natural selection. First of all, evolution is real, anyone who says otherwise should just sit down and be quiet forever. All higher forms of animal life on Earth evolved from a four legged animal, that is why mammals, reptiles, amphibians, and birds all have four appendages. It doesn't make any sense that these rules would be different on James Cameron's douche bag planet. The blue folks there should have an extra set of arms or legs. This fact bothered me after seeing the first six legged thing. Then it was a nagging annoyance for the rest of the three hour film.

This fucking thing better not win an Oscar for best picture. Go see District 9 it was a far more superior alien movie. If you haven't seen Avatar by the time its out of the theatres don't even bother. It will suck out loud on your two dimensional smaller than an IMAX TV.

See you at the movies,

Scott