Dear Reader,
Well, it has been a year (and seven days) since I began this blog. As a way to thank you (the Reader), I was going to post an entry every weekday this week on news items I never commented on. In proper Another Internet Blog fashion, I did not start on Monday. So I guess I will have to post a new entry everyday from today (Tuesday) to Saturday. Even my "I am a week late on the anniversary" is a day late (I doubt you're surprised).
These entries may not be long or good, but they will be everyday!
Happy birthday AIB 1:
Junior Seau drives off cliff
Pretend this is October 18, 2010 (holy shit how are these midterm elections going to go? (also you're welcome for updating twice in one day (stop saying I don't post often enough))). Remember football great Junior Seau? Well, he drove off a cliff this morning. As you are well aware this blog has a rich history of folks driving off of cliffs. This story is slightly different than our previous friends, who refuse to stay on the top side of a fucking mountain, in that JS survived.
How did this happen? It turns out that Tiaina Baul Seau Jr. (his actual name) was just tuckered out and decided to take a quick naynay while driving. As you may have guessed, this is probably not the best idea, if you goal is to not drive off of a cliff.
Why was he so tired? There are three reasons:
1. It was 2:30 AM. That is pretty late to be joy riding where the world ends. Now, you might be wondering why he was driving so late. That brings us to...
2. He was released from police custody around then, and was heading home. You see, he wanted to just go home and sleep with his girlfriend. So, why was he in police custody?
3. He was there because he was arrested for allegedly beating his girlfriend (that is very tiring, no wonder he fell asleep).
So you see it makes perfect sense now. It a classic story. Man plays football, man retires from football, man meets girl, man beats girl, man gets arrested, man leaves police custody, man falls asleep whilst driving, man drives off cliff. I've seen it hundreds of times (I may or may not drug people at the DMV with NyQuil).
Anyway, TBSJ only suffered minor injuries, and his girlfriend didn't press charges. Everyone lived happily ever after.
Off to the DMV I go,
Scott
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Thursday, January 20, 2011
What's your sign?
Dear Reader,
I'm sure you have heard the tragic news. The Zodiac signs we all know and love are wrong! According to astronomer Parke Kunkle (astronomer is like an astrologer in that both words start with "astro", other wise the main difference is that astronomers study the stars for scientific purposes and astrologers use the stars as an excuse to scam people out of money (astrologers are assholes)) discovered that due to the Earth's movements, the astrological signs have been realigned. Basically a whole bunch of people's Zodiac signs are shifted back. It's kind of like daylight savings time; except, instead of gaining an hour of sleep, absolutely nothing happens!
Why is this a big deal? It's not, but some people (idiots) think it is. I could go on and on about how vague the horoscopes and character profiles are, so everyone thinks their sign is them, but I wont. That will get boring, and it is obvious. The best reason people are upset about the change is that a lot of these douche nozzles got their sign tattooed on their body. That is amazing. Now that chick with a Scorpio tramp stamp isn't just a whore, she is dumb as shit too!
Also for some fucking reason there is a new Zodiac sign. Ophiuchus! What is that? Ophiuchus is a constellation that depicts a dude holding a giant snake. Is the guy a member of the religious sect of snake handlers. Snake handling is a religious ritual for some Pentecostal churches in America. More religions need dangerous animal rasslin'. This way the most annoyingly devout people, will hopefully die via animal. Ophiuchus' snake could also symbolize his wang, but only someone juvenile would point that out.
And now without further delay, I present to you some horoscopes:
Capricorn - People hate your smug attitude. Next week a person in a red hat will stab you seven times in the stomach.
Aquarius - Your lack of personal upkeep is offensive to all of the five senses. There will be trouble at your place of employment. Your boss will fire you, because of that illegal cock fighting ring you run int he break room.
Pisces - You are very lucky when it comes to matters of the opposite sex. You are going to get herpes very soon.
Aries - You live by your own rules; no one can tell you what to do. You will get too close to the bear exhibit at your local zoo. The mauling will be take a long time, and it will be extremely painful.
Taurus - You are always an optimist; everyone hates you. You will be pushed into a shark tank, it doesn't matter that it is only half full.
Gemini - You have a very good eye for fashion; no one trusts you. You will get a nice red hat and a large knife, then you will see that smug asshole from work. Go for the torso.
Cancer - You are very charitable, and you always try to get people to help the less fortunate; everyone thinks you are a poor man's Bono. You will soon be able to sit in a pool filled with the spit people launch in your direction.
Leo - You are always the "class clown" of the group. You will lose at least one arm in a hilarious chainsaw juggling mishap.
Virgo - You are a very important person, with many loyal followers. You also have even more enemies who will eliminate you in a bloody coup.
Libra - You are a very ordinary and boring person. Your days just tend to blend together. Nothing really horrible will ever happen to you, but nothing great will either. In the grand scheme of things, you don't matter.
Scorpio - You have great inner beauty. You have no outer beauty, children will constantly throw rocks at you.
Ophiuchus - You are very spiritual. A very poisonous snake will bite your junk, at your local snake handling ceremony. You will survive, but you wont want to.
Sagittarius - You are very athletic, you use this to intimidate others. You get into a scuffle with another Sagittarius. Both of you will fight with no mercy, then you will have a big make out session.
Those above 'scope are just as legit as any other you will read.
Praise be the stars!
Scott
I'm sure you have heard the tragic news. The Zodiac signs we all know and love are wrong! According to astronomer Parke Kunkle (astronomer is like an astrologer in that both words start with "astro", other wise the main difference is that astronomers study the stars for scientific purposes and astrologers use the stars as an excuse to scam people out of money (astrologers are assholes)) discovered that due to the Earth's movements, the astrological signs have been realigned. Basically a whole bunch of people's Zodiac signs are shifted back. It's kind of like daylight savings time; except, instead of gaining an hour of sleep, absolutely nothing happens!
Why is this a big deal? It's not, but some people (idiots) think it is. I could go on and on about how vague the horoscopes and character profiles are, so everyone thinks their sign is them, but I wont. That will get boring, and it is obvious. The best reason people are upset about the change is that a lot of these douche nozzles got their sign tattooed on their body. That is amazing. Now that chick with a Scorpio tramp stamp isn't just a whore, she is dumb as shit too!
Also for some fucking reason there is a new Zodiac sign. Ophiuchus! What is that? Ophiuchus is a constellation that depicts a dude holding a giant snake. Is the guy a member of the religious sect of snake handlers. Snake handling is a religious ritual for some Pentecostal churches in America. More religions need dangerous animal rasslin'. This way the most annoyingly devout people, will hopefully die via animal. Ophiuchus' snake could also symbolize his wang, but only someone juvenile would point that out.
And now without further delay, I present to you some horoscopes:
Capricorn - People hate your smug attitude. Next week a person in a red hat will stab you seven times in the stomach.
Aquarius - Your lack of personal upkeep is offensive to all of the five senses. There will be trouble at your place of employment. Your boss will fire you, because of that illegal cock fighting ring you run int he break room.
Pisces - You are very lucky when it comes to matters of the opposite sex. You are going to get herpes very soon.
Aries - You live by your own rules; no one can tell you what to do. You will get too close to the bear exhibit at your local zoo. The mauling will be take a long time, and it will be extremely painful.
Taurus - You are always an optimist; everyone hates you. You will be pushed into a shark tank, it doesn't matter that it is only half full.
Gemini - You have a very good eye for fashion; no one trusts you. You will get a nice red hat and a large knife, then you will see that smug asshole from work. Go for the torso.
Cancer - You are very charitable, and you always try to get people to help the less fortunate; everyone thinks you are a poor man's Bono. You will soon be able to sit in a pool filled with the spit people launch in your direction.
Leo - You are always the "class clown" of the group. You will lose at least one arm in a hilarious chainsaw juggling mishap.
Virgo - You are a very important person, with many loyal followers. You also have even more enemies who will eliminate you in a bloody coup.
Libra - You are a very ordinary and boring person. Your days just tend to blend together. Nothing really horrible will ever happen to you, but nothing great will either. In the grand scheme of things, you don't matter.
Scorpio - You have great inner beauty. You have no outer beauty, children will constantly throw rocks at you.
Ophiuchus - You are very spiritual. A very poisonous snake will bite your junk, at your local snake handling ceremony. You will survive, but you wont want to.
Sagittarius - You are very athletic, you use this to intimidate others. You get into a scuffle with another Sagittarius. Both of you will fight with no mercy, then you will have a big make out session.
Those above 'scope are just as legit as any other you will read.
Praise be the stars!
Scott
Sunday, December 5, 2010
A night at the theatre
Dear Reader,
Recently, I had the opportunity to watch the new Spider-Man musical on Broadway. I went into the evening thinking that the play was going to be horrible. Not because I hate comics or musicals (I fucking love those things!), but because it is an insanely difficult thing to successfully execute. So I was going into this event expecting something awful, and leave it to the assholes who made it to not disappoint. It must be noted that this was a preview of the show, it doesn't premiere until the new year. I understand if there are some technical issues or flubbed lines.
Let's start off with the fact that Bono and The Edge did the music for this piece of shit. That is the first red flag for the production. U2 sucks. They can't even count to fourteen correctly, in Spanish. Also Bono is a massive douche, and should be drawn and quartered for crimes against humanity. That being said, at least some of U2's songs are catchy, even if it is in the "holy shit this is so bad, I think it gave my ears herpes!" kind of way. The producers of Spidey wish the music was that bad. The music is so generic and boring, I felt completely indifferent towards it. I don't remember a single thing about the music of this fucking show. Even a bad musical will have you hum the songs after.
The full title of this shit pile is Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark. What the fuck does that mean? There was a song titled "Turn Off the Dark," but since it was a song in this play I don't remember a fucking thing about it. According to my research (Wikipedia) The title comes from Bono. He remember a story of a child saying "turn off the dark," instead of "turn on the lights," when he wanted to lights on in a room. Really? Would Bono not leave production meetings until he got his filth on everything? Julie Taymor (producer of this mess) says that Spider-Man is bringing some light to the darkness, or some bullshit. So if assbag Bono wasn't in the room, this shit would be called Spider-Man: Turn On the Lights? Why was he telling this story of that docuhebag kid in the first place? Why would anyone want to talk to him?
So you have no reason to see this abomination if you like music. Let us move on to the story. The following paragraphs is jam packed with spoilers.
Act 1:
Four asshole kids are talking about writing the origin story of Spider-Man. They mention the comics so they are not making up the story, they are just telling it, for some reason that is never revealed. Before they get into Peter Parker and company, they talk about the Greek story of Arachne. You may be asking why they would do this. I have no idea, she has nothing to do with the comics. To give a recap, Arachne was some olde timey Greek broad who could weave like none other, and she would brag about this fact all the time (she even said she was better than Athena!). Athena didn't like how this bitch was putting her on blast, so she challenged Arachne to a duel. It was the most hardcore duel ever! They weaved. Arachne won, so Athena turned her into a spider. Arachne was the first person spider. Do you care yet? I didn't think so.
Now they get into the story. You know this story. Peter Parker is a nerd who is in love with his neighbor Mary Jane. On a class trip to Norman Osborn's scientific facility, Dub P gets bit by a radioactive spider, thus becoming out web-slinging friend (old news). Also it must be noted that Osborn talks to the four kids from earlier, which makes no sense (they are making this story up kind of). Now Peter learns he has powers and wrestles a guy to make some money.
Some notes on this scene. Those asshole kids are back and one of them mentions "Sunday Bloody Sunday." How much creative control did Bono have, and I don't think Taymor could be any further up his ass if she was his large intestine. Also the guy he is wrestling is a giant blow up doll, which looks just stupid.
On his way home from getting his money, he doesn't help a bully who is getting his car stolen. Uncle Ben (Peter's uncle) tries to save the day but get hit by the car and dies. This is supposed to be the most important part of the Spider-Man story. This is why he becomes a super hero. However the only time we saw Uncle Ben is when he is yelling at Peter for getting his ass kicked, so you don;t care that he died. They fucked up the most important part of the entire story. While Pete is sleeping Arachne meets him in his dream... I think. Arachne is now a nightmare inducing giant spider with a woman torso above her thorax. I think she gives him his costume at this point, this is all very vague (I know we are only in Act 1 still, it felt even longer sitting through it).
Spider-Man is running around saving the day (like he does). Osborn is pressured to use his experiments on himself to become powerful. In an experiment gone awry , he kills his wife and become the Green Goblin. He starts terrorizing the city (like he does). J. Jonah Jameson (head of the Daily Bugle newspaper) claims that Spidey is the real terror. Eventually Duble G has Spider-Man at the top of the Empire State Building, and is threatening to kill MJ. Did I mention his is doing this by tying her to a piano and throwing the aforementioned piano off the building? The Goblin took notes from Wile E. Coyote. Somehow Spider-Man saved Mary Jane and tied Greeny to the piano, thus killing him.
That was Act One. Holy fuck an hour and a half went by! This was the entire first Spider-Man movie, but a very bad version of it. There is still another Act! There is clearly no god.
Act 2:
Those asshole kids are back. Some of them think the story is over too. Spidey just beat his ultimate enemy in the Goblin. Oh no he wasn't the ultimate. So they introduce the Sinister Six (Carnage, Lizard, Electro, Swiss Miss, Kraven and Swarm). If you know the comics (or don't) you must know one thing strange about Swiss Miss. Swiss Miss isn't from the comics either, the kids even mention that they just made her up. There are hundreds of actual villains for them to choose from, but they make up some asshole for no reason. All six of these goons are easily taken care of, by Parker. Clearly they are not the ultimate either. Arachne is back again for no reason, now she has like six other people sized spider friends (no one cares).
Things are not going well for Peter, his relationship with MJ is strained because he is busy saving everyone. He throws his costume away. This action makes his powers go away? That is what I asked when they made a big deal, that he threw away his powers. PP and MJ are dancing at a discotheque (to what? (a fucking U2 song (at this point I attempted suicide))), when there is a black out. The Green Goblin is back and he released the Sinister Six, terror ensues.
Reports are telling JJJ that the shit is hitting all kinds of fans (people are being murdered, shoes are being stolen (yes they mention that hundreds of shoes are stolen (this is somehow equally important as murder (due to my failed suicide attempt, I begin crying uncontrollably))). The kids are talking about the story again, but are interrupted by Arachne's spider friends. How are they attacking the people telling the story. Its like the end The Neverending Story, but with less whimsy. The kids are never seen again (why have them in the first place?!). Peter is still just being Peter, not helping anyone or anything. Him and Mary Jane seem perfectly fine with the world ending.
Now we hang out with Arachne and Company again. They sing a song about shoes. Read that last sentence again. They now have people legs with high-healed shoes on. The shoes somehow give Arachne the power to turn into a chick again. She goes to Trip J to have him write a headline to get Spider-Man. Her place works, and Spider-Man returns. He easily dispatches of the Green Goblin and the Six other assholes again. All seems like it would be fine and dandy, but MJ is kidnapped... again.
Arachne has MJ in a web. She is also a giant fuck off spider lady again. Shoes are only a temporary fix, I guess. Spider-Man says that Arachne can take him, but she has to let MJ go. This apparently moved her so much that she said that she will let them both go and she is no free form her curse. Did Taymor realize that this play would never fucking end? What an abrupt and stupid way to deal with this shit. Oh I forgot one more bit. It was all a dream. Arachne made Peter dream all the events after Green Goblin died at the end of the first act. Basically, it is like when Victoria Principle saw Patrick Duffy in the shower in Dallas. So those asshole kids were taken care of by things that were a dream in the thing they were making up! This is the worst homage to Inception ever!
That's how it fucking ends! I am also done with the spoilers, so you can read again.
Scott, was it all bad? I know it may seem like it was, but there were some redeeming qualities. The sets were amazing. They looked like they were in the comics, it was extremely well done. This was the Broadway equivalent to Avatar. Great to look at, but otherwise a giant mound of dog shit.There were a lot of stunts in the play too (some high flying excitement!). They had to stop down once, but that was fine (as I said it was a preview show so stop downs and some fuck ups are OK).
If you have to decide on seeing this play or sticking your face in a bear trap, choose the bear trap. Unless you get a hard on for set design, steer clear of this theatrical abortion.
Fuck you Julie Taymor,
Scott
Recently, I had the opportunity to watch the new Spider-Man musical on Broadway. I went into the evening thinking that the play was going to be horrible. Not because I hate comics or musicals (I fucking love those things!), but because it is an insanely difficult thing to successfully execute. So I was going into this event expecting something awful, and leave it to the assholes who made it to not disappoint. It must be noted that this was a preview of the show, it doesn't premiere until the new year. I understand if there are some technical issues or flubbed lines.
Let's start off with the fact that Bono and The Edge did the music for this piece of shit. That is the first red flag for the production. U2 sucks. They can't even count to fourteen correctly, in Spanish. Also Bono is a massive douche, and should be drawn and quartered for crimes against humanity. That being said, at least some of U2's songs are catchy, even if it is in the "holy shit this is so bad, I think it gave my ears herpes!" kind of way. The producers of Spidey wish the music was that bad. The music is so generic and boring, I felt completely indifferent towards it. I don't remember a single thing about the music of this fucking show. Even a bad musical will have you hum the songs after.
The full title of this shit pile is Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark. What the fuck does that mean? There was a song titled "Turn Off the Dark," but since it was a song in this play I don't remember a fucking thing about it. According to my research (Wikipedia) The title comes from Bono. He remember a story of a child saying "turn off the dark," instead of "turn on the lights," when he wanted to lights on in a room. Really? Would Bono not leave production meetings until he got his filth on everything? Julie Taymor (producer of this mess) says that Spider-Man is bringing some light to the darkness, or some bullshit. So if assbag Bono wasn't in the room, this shit would be called Spider-Man: Turn On the Lights? Why was he telling this story of that docuhebag kid in the first place? Why would anyone want to talk to him?
So you have no reason to see this abomination if you like music. Let us move on to the story. The following paragraphs is jam packed with spoilers.
Act 1:
Four asshole kids are talking about writing the origin story of Spider-Man. They mention the comics so they are not making up the story, they are just telling it, for some reason that is never revealed. Before they get into Peter Parker and company, they talk about the Greek story of Arachne. You may be asking why they would do this. I have no idea, she has nothing to do with the comics. To give a recap, Arachne was some olde timey Greek broad who could weave like none other, and she would brag about this fact all the time (she even said she was better than Athena!). Athena didn't like how this bitch was putting her on blast, so she challenged Arachne to a duel. It was the most hardcore duel ever! They weaved. Arachne won, so Athena turned her into a spider. Arachne was the first person spider. Do you care yet? I didn't think so.
Now they get into the story. You know this story. Peter Parker is a nerd who is in love with his neighbor Mary Jane. On a class trip to Norman Osborn's scientific facility, Dub P gets bit by a radioactive spider, thus becoming out web-slinging friend (old news). Also it must be noted that Osborn talks to the four kids from earlier, which makes no sense (they are making this story up kind of). Now Peter learns he has powers and wrestles a guy to make some money.
Some notes on this scene. Those asshole kids are back and one of them mentions "Sunday Bloody Sunday." How much creative control did Bono have, and I don't think Taymor could be any further up his ass if she was his large intestine. Also the guy he is wrestling is a giant blow up doll, which looks just stupid.
On his way home from getting his money, he doesn't help a bully who is getting his car stolen. Uncle Ben (Peter's uncle) tries to save the day but get hit by the car and dies. This is supposed to be the most important part of the Spider-Man story. This is why he becomes a super hero. However the only time we saw Uncle Ben is when he is yelling at Peter for getting his ass kicked, so you don;t care that he died. They fucked up the most important part of the entire story. While Pete is sleeping Arachne meets him in his dream... I think. Arachne is now a nightmare inducing giant spider with a woman torso above her thorax. I think she gives him his costume at this point, this is all very vague (I know we are only in Act 1 still, it felt even longer sitting through it).
Spider-Man is running around saving the day (like he does). Osborn is pressured to use his experiments on himself to become powerful. In an experiment gone awry , he kills his wife and become the Green Goblin. He starts terrorizing the city (like he does). J. Jonah Jameson (head of the Daily Bugle newspaper) claims that Spidey is the real terror. Eventually Duble G has Spider-Man at the top of the Empire State Building, and is threatening to kill MJ. Did I mention his is doing this by tying her to a piano and throwing the aforementioned piano off the building? The Goblin took notes from Wile E. Coyote. Somehow Spider-Man saved Mary Jane and tied Greeny to the piano, thus killing him.
That was Act One. Holy fuck an hour and a half went by! This was the entire first Spider-Man movie, but a very bad version of it. There is still another Act! There is clearly no god.
Act 2:
Those asshole kids are back. Some of them think the story is over too. Spidey just beat his ultimate enemy in the Goblin. Oh no he wasn't the ultimate. So they introduce the Sinister Six (Carnage, Lizard, Electro, Swiss Miss, Kraven and Swarm). If you know the comics (or don't) you must know one thing strange about Swiss Miss. Swiss Miss isn't from the comics either, the kids even mention that they just made her up. There are hundreds of actual villains for them to choose from, but they make up some asshole for no reason. All six of these goons are easily taken care of, by Parker. Clearly they are not the ultimate either. Arachne is back again for no reason, now she has like six other people sized spider friends (no one cares).
Things are not going well for Peter, his relationship with MJ is strained because he is busy saving everyone. He throws his costume away. This action makes his powers go away? That is what I asked when they made a big deal, that he threw away his powers. PP and MJ are dancing at a discotheque (to what? (a fucking U2 song (at this point I attempted suicide))), when there is a black out. The Green Goblin is back and he released the Sinister Six, terror ensues.
Reports are telling JJJ that the shit is hitting all kinds of fans (people are being murdered, shoes are being stolen (yes they mention that hundreds of shoes are stolen (this is somehow equally important as murder (due to my failed suicide attempt, I begin crying uncontrollably))). The kids are talking about the story again, but are interrupted by Arachne's spider friends. How are they attacking the people telling the story. Its like the end The Neverending Story, but with less whimsy. The kids are never seen again (why have them in the first place?!). Peter is still just being Peter, not helping anyone or anything. Him and Mary Jane seem perfectly fine with the world ending.
Now we hang out with Arachne and Company again. They sing a song about shoes. Read that last sentence again. They now have people legs with high-healed shoes on. The shoes somehow give Arachne the power to turn into a chick again. She goes to Trip J to have him write a headline to get Spider-Man. Her place works, and Spider-Man returns. He easily dispatches of the Green Goblin and the Six other assholes again. All seems like it would be fine and dandy, but MJ is kidnapped... again.
Arachne has MJ in a web. She is also a giant fuck off spider lady again. Shoes are only a temporary fix, I guess. Spider-Man says that Arachne can take him, but she has to let MJ go. This apparently moved her so much that she said that she will let them both go and she is no free form her curse. Did Taymor realize that this play would never fucking end? What an abrupt and stupid way to deal with this shit. Oh I forgot one more bit. It was all a dream. Arachne made Peter dream all the events after Green Goblin died at the end of the first act. Basically, it is like when Victoria Principle saw Patrick Duffy in the shower in Dallas. So those asshole kids were taken care of by things that were a dream in the thing they were making up! This is the worst homage to Inception ever!
That's how it fucking ends! I am also done with the spoilers, so you can read again.
Scott, was it all bad? I know it may seem like it was, but there were some redeeming qualities. The sets were amazing. They looked like they were in the comics, it was extremely well done. This was the Broadway equivalent to Avatar. Great to look at, but otherwise a giant mound of dog shit.There were a lot of stunts in the play too (some high flying excitement!). They had to stop down once, but that was fine (as I said it was a preview show so stop downs and some fuck ups are OK).
If you have to decide on seeing this play or sticking your face in a bear trap, choose the bear trap. Unless you get a hard on for set design, steer clear of this theatrical abortion.
Fuck you Julie Taymor,
Scott
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
A late Thanksgiving hodgepodge of fun!
Dear Reader,
As you are well aware. Thanksgiving recently happened. As is our culture, it is now Christmas season! Shit yea! As I have pointed out, our country has a rich history of failed terrorist attacks, during the holiday season. This year is no different! On November 26th, the redundantly named, Muhamed Osman Muhamud tried to blow up a tree lighting ceremony in Portland, Oregon. I know what you are thinking, "Who cares about Portland, Oregon?" Well that is exactly why MOM wanted to explode the tree. He thought he was a genius, because no one would suspect someone to attack Oregon (mostly because no one cares about Oregon).
This all started in August of 2009, when Double Muhamed was in contact (via electronic styled mail) with terrorists. Eventually Dub Muha and his pen pal decided it was time to go all the way live, and perform a violent jihad (is there any other kind? (well, I guess there are (but who wants one of those? (not me, that's for damn sure)))). In June 2010, Muhamud Squared met in person with his online buddy, and there he revealed his scheme. As I mentioned it was the tree lighting ceremony. His friend gave him, the bomb needed and a phone number. The phone number was, for Ozzie to call when the bomb was set; when he calls, the place goes boom! There was only one snag to his ingenious plan. His friend was an FBI operative who was on to him the whole time. Naturally when he called, he was arrested. So really this isn't as fun as last year's terrorist attack (if only he set his wang on fire).
On to Sunday! I am a Pittsburgh Steelers fan, so I was watching their game against the Buffalo Bills. To make a long game short, they were in overtime. Ryan Fitzpatrick threw an easily catchable touchdown to Stevie Johnson, who caught the ball. The Bills won the game! Finally the people of Buffalo had something to be happy about! Oh wait, no, none of that happened. Steve-O dropped the ball (like a chump), and they lost. This isn't a big deal, the Bills lose all the time. Shortly after the game ended Mr. Johnson posted this on Twitter: "I PRAISE YOU 24/7!!!!!! AND THIS HOW YOU DO ME!!!!! YOU EXPECT ME TO LEARN FROM THIS??? HOW???!!! ILL NEVER FORGET THIS!! EVER!!! THX THO..."
That's right lady and gentleman, he blamed god for his fuck up! That is awesome! It is about time. Every time some athletic jack ass wins a game, or some douche bag gets an award, they thank god. It is like god is some kind of gambling addict who needs these assholes to win so he can pay rent. It is refreshing to see one of these schmucks go the other way with it, and blame him for losses. Let's pretend god exists, why would he/she/it care about these things? Who wants to worship some asshole who cares so much about a stupid regular season game. Also, Steve, you should have known that god hates you, you play in Buffalo.
Now all we need is for someone to win it big and praise Satan.
Hail Satan!
Scott
As you are well aware. Thanksgiving recently happened. As is our culture, it is now Christmas season! Shit yea! As I have pointed out, our country has a rich history of failed terrorist attacks, during the holiday season. This year is no different! On November 26th, the redundantly named, Muhamed Osman Muhamud tried to blow up a tree lighting ceremony in Portland, Oregon. I know what you are thinking, "Who cares about Portland, Oregon?" Well that is exactly why MOM wanted to explode the tree. He thought he was a genius, because no one would suspect someone to attack Oregon (mostly because no one cares about Oregon).
This all started in August of 2009, when Double Muhamed was in contact (via electronic styled mail) with terrorists. Eventually Dub Muha and his pen pal decided it was time to go all the way live, and perform a violent jihad (is there any other kind? (well, I guess there are (but who wants one of those? (not me, that's for damn sure)))). In June 2010, Muhamud Squared met in person with his online buddy, and there he revealed his scheme. As I mentioned it was the tree lighting ceremony. His friend gave him, the bomb needed and a phone number. The phone number was, for Ozzie to call when the bomb was set; when he calls, the place goes boom! There was only one snag to his ingenious plan. His friend was an FBI operative who was on to him the whole time. Naturally when he called, he was arrested. So really this isn't as fun as last year's terrorist attack (if only he set his wang on fire).
On to Sunday! I am a Pittsburgh Steelers fan, so I was watching their game against the Buffalo Bills. To make a long game short, they were in overtime. Ryan Fitzpatrick threw an easily catchable touchdown to Stevie Johnson, who caught the ball. The Bills won the game! Finally the people of Buffalo had something to be happy about! Oh wait, no, none of that happened. Steve-O dropped the ball (like a chump), and they lost. This isn't a big deal, the Bills lose all the time. Shortly after the game ended Mr. Johnson posted this on Twitter: "I PRAISE YOU 24/7!!!!!! AND THIS HOW YOU DO ME!!!!! YOU EXPECT ME TO LEARN FROM THIS??? HOW???!!! ILL NEVER FORGET THIS!! EVER!!! THX THO..."
That's right lady and gentleman, he blamed god for his fuck up! That is awesome! It is about time. Every time some athletic jack ass wins a game, or some douche bag gets an award, they thank god. It is like god is some kind of gambling addict who needs these assholes to win so he can pay rent. It is refreshing to see one of these schmucks go the other way with it, and blame him for losses. Let's pretend god exists, why would he/she/it care about these things? Who wants to worship some asshole who cares so much about a stupid regular season game. Also, Steve, you should have known that god hates you, you play in Buffalo.
Now all we need is for someone to win it big and praise Satan.
Hail Satan!
Scott
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Junk touching and crotch fires
Dear Reader,
I'm sure you are aware of the latest charged debate on airplane safety. That's right those crazy TSA pat downs (gropings). Let's take a look at how we got to this frenzy of emotion and wang touching.
It was Christmas day in 2009, everyone was celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ. While most people were fantasizing about doing horrible things with sugar plums and chestnuts, dressing up as a fat guy who gave special gifts to children, or throwing rocks at the local Jew (take that Schlomo!), one man decided to start a new tradition. That man was Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, a man with a vision. UFA decided that he wanted to hijack and explode a plane (plane hijacking is so 2001, get with the times). How would he pull this off, you ask? By setting his crotch on fire, I answer. Needless to say, his plan had some holes in it. This incident caused two things to happen. First, Mr. Abdulmutallamadamadingdong had some genital scarring (the greatest gift of all), and, second, the TSA decided to implement full body scans.
These scans are neat. They take work like an x-ray, but instead seeing your bones, they see under your clothes. Finally, those x-ray glasses exist! The image isn't incredibly clear, and its in black and white. So people are all in a tizzy, because TSA agents can take pictures of their naughty bits. This has some pretty obvious problems. If a youngin' gets a scan, there are child pornography implications (finally pervs can lose that creepy van, and get a job for the TSA), but as I said the images are not great, they are not very detailed. I don't want to single out people who like naked little children, there are also people who like naked adults, which another reason people don't like the FBS's. In this case I feel bad for the TSA agents. Let's pretend these images are HD quality and awesome. The naked people we all know and love, from the movies and magazine are pre-approved to be naked. Your everyday person is not so aesthetically gifted. Those pictures will be more of a curse than a blessing. So what happens if you don't want to have TSA agents look at your goods? You can get a good old fashioned pat down.
Well not this isn't your mother's pat down, they get in there! What we are used to is a quick once over, like a PG rating if we were to compare it to a movie. These new pat downs go into all of your nooks and crannies, to keep with our analogy this is like an NC-17 rating (well aside from your clothes being on (I know, boring)). I am sure you have heard the hoopla about the poking and prodding. One guy made waves by recording his interaction with the TSA and loudly saying "Don't touch my junk." People are understandably upset about the handsy TSA (flash backs of an uncle the family no longer talks about maybe). So what can you do to stop the near rape at the airport? You can do very little.
If you have reached this stage, your only option is to get man handled in a private room (where no one can hear you cry). I have a solution to this problem, but it will take a lot of people to not have shame. Do not go tot he private room, stay out in the public eye. When they start touching you, get into it. Start moaning and breathing heavy. Give them orders ("faster, harder, pull my hair!"). Get into it! Eye contact is also a great idea. Eventually they will get uncomfortable and stop (or get equally awkward (which would be better)).
Or you could grow a pair, and just get the fucking body scan. The TSA is doing the best they can. If they don't take these precautions and some asshole sets his johnson on fire on a plane again, everyone will be pissed that the TSA didn't do anything. As I said the pictures don't look like much, the agents just want to do their job and get on with their life. Get over yourself, no one wants to see you naked, average American.
See you in the airport,
Scott
I'm sure you are aware of the latest charged debate on airplane safety. That's right those crazy TSA pat downs (gropings). Let's take a look at how we got to this frenzy of emotion and wang touching.
It was Christmas day in 2009, everyone was celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ. While most people were fantasizing about doing horrible things with sugar plums and chestnuts, dressing up as a fat guy who gave special gifts to children, or throwing rocks at the local Jew (take that Schlomo!), one man decided to start a new tradition. That man was Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, a man with a vision. UFA decided that he wanted to hijack and explode a plane (plane hijacking is so 2001, get with the times). How would he pull this off, you ask? By setting his crotch on fire, I answer. Needless to say, his plan had some holes in it. This incident caused two things to happen. First, Mr. Abdulmutallamadamadingdong had some genital scarring (the greatest gift of all), and, second, the TSA decided to implement full body scans.
These scans are neat. They take work like an x-ray, but instead seeing your bones, they see under your clothes. Finally, those x-ray glasses exist! The image isn't incredibly clear, and its in black and white. So people are all in a tizzy, because TSA agents can take pictures of their naughty bits. This has some pretty obvious problems. If a youngin' gets a scan, there are child pornography implications (finally pervs can lose that creepy van, and get a job for the TSA), but as I said the images are not great, they are not very detailed. I don't want to single out people who like naked little children, there are also people who like naked adults, which another reason people don't like the FBS's. In this case I feel bad for the TSA agents. Let's pretend these images are HD quality and awesome. The naked people we all know and love, from the movies and magazine are pre-approved to be naked. Your everyday person is not so aesthetically gifted. Those pictures will be more of a curse than a blessing. So what happens if you don't want to have TSA agents look at your goods? You can get a good old fashioned pat down.
Well not this isn't your mother's pat down, they get in there! What we are used to is a quick once over, like a PG rating if we were to compare it to a movie. These new pat downs go into all of your nooks and crannies, to keep with our analogy this is like an NC-17 rating (well aside from your clothes being on (I know, boring)). I am sure you have heard the hoopla about the poking and prodding. One guy made waves by recording his interaction with the TSA and loudly saying "Don't touch my junk." People are understandably upset about the handsy TSA (flash backs of an uncle the family no longer talks about maybe). So what can you do to stop the near rape at the airport? You can do very little.
If you have reached this stage, your only option is to get man handled in a private room (where no one can hear you cry). I have a solution to this problem, but it will take a lot of people to not have shame. Do not go tot he private room, stay out in the public eye. When they start touching you, get into it. Start moaning and breathing heavy. Give them orders ("faster, harder, pull my hair!"). Get into it! Eye contact is also a great idea. Eventually they will get uncomfortable and stop (or get equally awkward (which would be better)).
Or you could grow a pair, and just get the fucking body scan. The TSA is doing the best they can. If they don't take these precautions and some asshole sets his johnson on fire on a plane again, everyone will be pissed that the TSA didn't do anything. As I said the pictures don't look like much, the agents just want to do their job and get on with their life. Get over yourself, no one wants to see you naked, average American.
See you in the airport,
Scott
Monday, October 18, 2010
Fun times in a hole
Dear Reader,
Once again I must apologize for the delay. This time I was trapped in a caved in mine. I doubt you cared about little old me, you were too busy with some other similar story. So what if I wasn't in an exotic land, trapped down there for over two month, and if the cave in was "possibly" all my fault; I'm still a human interest story, god dammit!
I guess you would rather read about the Chilean 33, instead of my tale of heroism, intrigue, and drug mules (your loss). Last chance to read my story? Yes? No? Die Scott? Fine.
So on August 5th 2010 a mine collapsed in Chile, which (like collapsed mines do) trapped a number of miners 2,257 ft underground. At least they had each other. Initially they tried to escape via ventilation ducts, but the ladders needed to reach the ducts were nowhere to be found. They were supposed to be there. A spokesperson may have said something along the lines of, "Ladders are a crutch." You can't argue with sound logic like that!
So seventeen days later the miners got the word out that they were alive (the world rejoiced). This marks the first of one of the two major events that wasn't the actual collapse and rescue: Finally, America knew of more Chileans than just Snooki.
Speaking of the Snookster, she is writing a book. There are several mind boggling things about that fact:
1. It's a fictional novel about "big hair, dark tans, and fights galore." So it's basically autobiographical.
2. Who is this book targeting? The average Jersey Shore fan can't read.
3. Who knew Snooki Snooki Snoo Snoo could write? And I don't mean write well, I mean the act of putting words onto paper.
4. This isn't the only (or even first!) Jersey Shore alumni to get a book deal. Get excited for The Situation's self help book and a how to guide penned by J-Woww and Ronnie. How to what? Keep the Jersey Shore look and attitude (in other words How To Look and Act Like a Douchebag: for Douchebags, by Douchebags) that's what!
Back to our friends in a hole. Nothing really exciting happened between then and the release, except that one thing. One of the miners, Yanni Barrios, has a wife and a mistress. And they got to finally meat each other! They met at the vigil for the 33 when everyone thought they were dead. Both the wife and the mistress were crying out for their lost love Yanni, then realized it was the same dude. After all of this, I can't wait for him to get a reality show. It can be on VH1 and be called Mine of Love.
Then they were rescued. This process started on October 12th and ended on the 13th. It was like a two day marathon of a very boring version of Prison Break. The rescue marks the second big ideology change in the world. Finally, adults could openly say that they are excited about a bunch of miners, without having to talk to Chris Hansen about what they're trying to do here.
Now, here is why I am upset about the miner story, no cannibalism. I know! What the fuck!? People are going to want to make movies and read books on this. Why? They pretty much got along, and they didn't eat each other (I can't stress this enough). Why did people want to read (or watch the movie adaptation of) Alive? For the compelling story of a team of Uruguayan Rugby players overcoming impossible odds and getting saved? Hell no! They want to find more about how they had to eat each other to survive. That is compelling shit! Not these miners. No one even gnawed off any one's arm. Waste of time.
So in conclusion, the miners all made it out of the mine. They saw their shadow, so Chile is in for six more months of winter.
Suck on that Puxsutawney Phil!
Scott
Once again I must apologize for the delay. This time I was trapped in a caved in mine. I doubt you cared about little old me, you were too busy with some other similar story. So what if I wasn't in an exotic land, trapped down there for over two month, and if the cave in was "possibly" all my fault; I'm still a human interest story, god dammit!
I guess you would rather read about the Chilean 33, instead of my tale of heroism, intrigue, and drug mules (your loss). Last chance to read my story? Yes? No? Die Scott? Fine.
So on August 5th 2010 a mine collapsed in Chile, which (like collapsed mines do) trapped a number of miners 2,257 ft underground. At least they had each other. Initially they tried to escape via ventilation ducts, but the ladders needed to reach the ducts were nowhere to be found. They were supposed to be there. A spokesperson may have said something along the lines of, "Ladders are a crutch." You can't argue with sound logic like that!
So seventeen days later the miners got the word out that they were alive (the world rejoiced). This marks the first of one of the two major events that wasn't the actual collapse and rescue: Finally, America knew of more Chileans than just Snooki.
Speaking of the Snookster, she is writing a book. There are several mind boggling things about that fact:
1. It's a fictional novel about "big hair, dark tans, and fights galore." So it's basically autobiographical.
2. Who is this book targeting? The average Jersey Shore fan can't read.
3. Who knew Snooki Snooki Snoo Snoo could write? And I don't mean write well, I mean the act of putting words onto paper.
4. This isn't the only (or even first!) Jersey Shore alumni to get a book deal. Get excited for The Situation's self help book and a how to guide penned by J-Woww and Ronnie. How to what? Keep the Jersey Shore look and attitude (in other words How To Look and Act Like a Douchebag: for Douchebags, by Douchebags) that's what!
Back to our friends in a hole. Nothing really exciting happened between then and the release, except that one thing. One of the miners, Yanni Barrios, has a wife and a mistress. And they got to finally meat each other! They met at the vigil for the 33 when everyone thought they were dead. Both the wife and the mistress were crying out for their lost love Yanni, then realized it was the same dude. After all of this, I can't wait for him to get a reality show. It can be on VH1 and be called Mine of Love.
Then they were rescued. This process started on October 12th and ended on the 13th. It was like a two day marathon of a very boring version of Prison Break. The rescue marks the second big ideology change in the world. Finally, adults could openly say that they are excited about a bunch of miners, without having to talk to Chris Hansen about what they're trying to do here.
Now, here is why I am upset about the miner story, no cannibalism. I know! What the fuck!? People are going to want to make movies and read books on this. Why? They pretty much got along, and they didn't eat each other (I can't stress this enough). Why did people want to read (or watch the movie adaptation of) Alive? For the compelling story of a team of Uruguayan Rugby players overcoming impossible odds and getting saved? Hell no! They want to find more about how they had to eat each other to survive. That is compelling shit! Not these miners. No one even gnawed off any one's arm. Waste of time.
So in conclusion, the miners all made it out of the mine. They saw their shadow, so Chile is in for six more months of winter.
Suck on that Puxsutawney Phil!
Scott
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Cereal and Segway
Dear Reader,
Sorry for the delay, I was trying to be charitable, but failed horribly. You see, I bought myself a box of OchocincOs and that's how it went down. Wide receiving sweetheart of the Cincinnati Bengals, Chad Ochocinco, has got himself his own cereal. PLB Sports put out the cereal. They are the company who put out Flutie Flakes and Big Ben Beef Jerky. Big Ben isn't a joke, but incredibly true! He would have his own line of beef jerky products. With every bag Benny Double Bacon, forcibly shoves beef jerky down your throat until you pass out. Back to the cereal. With every box bought, three American dollars gets donate to the Feed the Children charity. If you feel so inclined, you can also call the Feed the Children charity to donate more. Instead of getting the charity, when you call the number printed on the box, you get a phone sex line. So instead of helping needy children, you get the opportunity to let loose some knuckle children tot he voice of an anonymous female. So really, it's a toss up for which is better.
On to some more news!
I'm sure you've been to your local mall, and seen the mall security officers riding their Segway around (to scoot about and protect). These bad boys move and a blindingly fast twelve miles per hour. They move by you leaning forward. How do you go faster? Lean harder! With such amazing controls as that, its no wonder that they have been considered unsafe. Wearing a helmet is strongly suggested. Its like a lame motorcycle, maybe you could form some shitty gang of Segway owners. In 2009 a British guy named James Heselden bought the Segway company. Now I can segue into this (Get it? Segue! Segway! OK I'll stop this now.) James Heselden is dead.
Jimmy drove his Segway off a cliff.
I couldn't think of anything to follow the last line,
Scott
Sorry for the delay, I was trying to be charitable, but failed horribly. You see, I bought myself a box of OchocincOs and that's how it went down. Wide receiving sweetheart of the Cincinnati Bengals, Chad Ochocinco, has got himself his own cereal. PLB Sports put out the cereal. They are the company who put out Flutie Flakes and Big Ben Beef Jerky. Big Ben isn't a joke, but incredibly true! He would have his own line of beef jerky products. With every bag Benny Double Bacon, forcibly shoves beef jerky down your throat until you pass out. Back to the cereal. With every box bought, three American dollars gets donate to the Feed the Children charity. If you feel so inclined, you can also call the Feed the Children charity to donate more. Instead of getting the charity, when you call the number printed on the box, you get a phone sex line. So instead of helping needy children, you get the opportunity to let loose some knuckle children tot he voice of an anonymous female. So really, it's a toss up for which is better.
On to some more news!
I'm sure you've been to your local mall, and seen the mall security officers riding their Segway around (to scoot about and protect). These bad boys move and a blindingly fast twelve miles per hour. They move by you leaning forward. How do you go faster? Lean harder! With such amazing controls as that, its no wonder that they have been considered unsafe. Wearing a helmet is strongly suggested. Its like a lame motorcycle, maybe you could form some shitty gang of Segway owners. In 2009 a British guy named James Heselden bought the Segway company. Now I can segue into this (Get it? Segue! Segway! OK I'll stop this now.) James Heselden is dead.
Jimmy drove his Segway off a cliff.
I couldn't think of anything to follow the last line,
Scott
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)