Dear Reader,
Have you seen the trailer for the movie, Battleship? It's based of the classic board game. If not, you really need to click on this link. Welcome back. I know, you're confused. You don't remember the aliens when you used to play Battleship? They were there, you just weren't paying attention (drunk) enough to see them. This trailer makes sense to me (Scott, has a drinking problem). Since I only play these games while shithoused, I have the unique insight needed for this new genre of film. I present the future of cinema:
Mouse Trap: A young attractive group of coeds, find themselves lost in a spooky warehouse. The lights go out, and they are trapped like a mouse. One by one they are tortured to death. I'm talking, horribly tortured here: arms cut in half long ways, fingernails pulled off with rusty pliers, eye lids removed then eaten. There will be so much pain and suffering, Eli Roth will reach climax five times in the first half of the movie alone.
Operation: Oliver Platt needs a life saving surgery (an Operation, of you catch what I'm throwing), to cure his disease (let's call it super AIDS). His Dr. is played by Katherine Heigl, who is just unlucky with love. Oliver helps her out in trying to get another Dr. to love her (can we get Nick Lachey for this?). In the end we all learn a little about love, and that all of these shenanigans didn't help cure Mr. Platt. He dies in the end.
Apples to Apples: This isn't you father's buddy cop movie (unless I'm your father). Isaac Newton is a by-the-book veteran detective, who is only one moth away from retirement, but he has a new partner, loose cannon and rebel, Steve Jobs. Jobs has been unhinged, ever since his wife was gunned down by the criminal mastermind, Bill Gates. The case Newton and Jobs is on takes them right to Bill Gate's lair (the Gates of Hell!). Newton uses calculus and gravity to save the day (while also being to old for this shit), and Jobs finally gets the closure he's needed.
Charades: I know this isn't a board game, but the script wrote itself. In this re-imagining of history we see a young, sexy Hellen Keller somehow witnesses a murder. Maybe she was raped? Anyway, she has to help the cops bring these wrong doers to justice.
Candy Land: A group of space scientists (and for some reason two children) land on a previously undiscovered planet. This planet is... wait for it... made of candy. They get into some sticky situations as they escape the evil Mr. Mint. Hold on, this is a bit too close to the actual canon of the game. So, they land on this new planet, and everything is made of CGI John Candys. That's much better.
Backgammon: A very handsome and charming Internet comedy writer (let's call him Scott), finds himself magically transported to inside the Star Wars universe. He has to be part of the original trilogy, and live out all of his childhood dreams! Shooting Stromtroopers and Ewoks, getting into light saber duels, banging Princess Leia when she's a slave on Jabba's floating barge, and finally joining the dark side. I think I can speak for everyone when I say this will be the best movie ever made.
Cranium: After I have exhausted the game movie genre, this will be released. It will be a reference movie (like the awful Disaster Movie, Date Movie, Meet the Spartans, etc.). Like the other reference movies, this will be unwatchable.
Now I know a lot of Hollywood execs read this blog. Please make this happen. If it helps, I can offer you some coke.
The film industry runs on coke,
Scott
Showing posts with label great idea. Show all posts
Showing posts with label great idea. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Junk touching and crotch fires
Dear Reader,
I'm sure you are aware of the latest charged debate on airplane safety. That's right those crazy TSA pat downs (gropings). Let's take a look at how we got to this frenzy of emotion and wang touching.
It was Christmas day in 2009, everyone was celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ. While most people were fantasizing about doing horrible things with sugar plums and chestnuts, dressing up as a fat guy who gave special gifts to children, or throwing rocks at the local Jew (take that Schlomo!), one man decided to start a new tradition. That man was Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, a man with a vision. UFA decided that he wanted to hijack and explode a plane (plane hijacking is so 2001, get with the times). How would he pull this off, you ask? By setting his crotch on fire, I answer. Needless to say, his plan had some holes in it. This incident caused two things to happen. First, Mr. Abdulmutallamadamadingdong had some genital scarring (the greatest gift of all), and, second, the TSA decided to implement full body scans.
These scans are neat. They take work like an x-ray, but instead seeing your bones, they see under your clothes. Finally, those x-ray glasses exist! The image isn't incredibly clear, and its in black and white. So people are all in a tizzy, because TSA agents can take pictures of their naughty bits. This has some pretty obvious problems. If a youngin' gets a scan, there are child pornography implications (finally pervs can lose that creepy van, and get a job for the TSA), but as I said the images are not great, they are not very detailed. I don't want to single out people who like naked little children, there are also people who like naked adults, which another reason people don't like the FBS's. In this case I feel bad for the TSA agents. Let's pretend these images are HD quality and awesome. The naked people we all know and love, from the movies and magazine are pre-approved to be naked. Your everyday person is not so aesthetically gifted. Those pictures will be more of a curse than a blessing. So what happens if you don't want to have TSA agents look at your goods? You can get a good old fashioned pat down.
Well not this isn't your mother's pat down, they get in there! What we are used to is a quick once over, like a PG rating if we were to compare it to a movie. These new pat downs go into all of your nooks and crannies, to keep with our analogy this is like an NC-17 rating (well aside from your clothes being on (I know, boring)). I am sure you have heard the hoopla about the poking and prodding. One guy made waves by recording his interaction with the TSA and loudly saying "Don't touch my junk." People are understandably upset about the handsy TSA (flash backs of an uncle the family no longer talks about maybe). So what can you do to stop the near rape at the airport? You can do very little.
If you have reached this stage, your only option is to get man handled in a private room (where no one can hear you cry). I have a solution to this problem, but it will take a lot of people to not have shame. Do not go tot he private room, stay out in the public eye. When they start touching you, get into it. Start moaning and breathing heavy. Give them orders ("faster, harder, pull my hair!"). Get into it! Eye contact is also a great idea. Eventually they will get uncomfortable and stop (or get equally awkward (which would be better)).
Or you could grow a pair, and just get the fucking body scan. The TSA is doing the best they can. If they don't take these precautions and some asshole sets his johnson on fire on a plane again, everyone will be pissed that the TSA didn't do anything. As I said the pictures don't look like much, the agents just want to do their job and get on with their life. Get over yourself, no one wants to see you naked, average American.
See you in the airport,
Scott
I'm sure you are aware of the latest charged debate on airplane safety. That's right those crazy TSA pat downs (gropings). Let's take a look at how we got to this frenzy of emotion and wang touching.
It was Christmas day in 2009, everyone was celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ. While most people were fantasizing about doing horrible things with sugar plums and chestnuts, dressing up as a fat guy who gave special gifts to children, or throwing rocks at the local Jew (take that Schlomo!), one man decided to start a new tradition. That man was Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, a man with a vision. UFA decided that he wanted to hijack and explode a plane (plane hijacking is so 2001, get with the times). How would he pull this off, you ask? By setting his crotch on fire, I answer. Needless to say, his plan had some holes in it. This incident caused two things to happen. First, Mr. Abdulmutallamadamadingdong had some genital scarring (the greatest gift of all), and, second, the TSA decided to implement full body scans.
These scans are neat. They take work like an x-ray, but instead seeing your bones, they see under your clothes. Finally, those x-ray glasses exist! The image isn't incredibly clear, and its in black and white. So people are all in a tizzy, because TSA agents can take pictures of their naughty bits. This has some pretty obvious problems. If a youngin' gets a scan, there are child pornography implications (finally pervs can lose that creepy van, and get a job for the TSA), but as I said the images are not great, they are not very detailed. I don't want to single out people who like naked little children, there are also people who like naked adults, which another reason people don't like the FBS's. In this case I feel bad for the TSA agents. Let's pretend these images are HD quality and awesome. The naked people we all know and love, from the movies and magazine are pre-approved to be naked. Your everyday person is not so aesthetically gifted. Those pictures will be more of a curse than a blessing. So what happens if you don't want to have TSA agents look at your goods? You can get a good old fashioned pat down.
Well not this isn't your mother's pat down, they get in there! What we are used to is a quick once over, like a PG rating if we were to compare it to a movie. These new pat downs go into all of your nooks and crannies, to keep with our analogy this is like an NC-17 rating (well aside from your clothes being on (I know, boring)). I am sure you have heard the hoopla about the poking and prodding. One guy made waves by recording his interaction with the TSA and loudly saying "Don't touch my junk." People are understandably upset about the handsy TSA (flash backs of an uncle the family no longer talks about maybe). So what can you do to stop the near rape at the airport? You can do very little.
If you have reached this stage, your only option is to get man handled in a private room (where no one can hear you cry). I have a solution to this problem, but it will take a lot of people to not have shame. Do not go tot he private room, stay out in the public eye. When they start touching you, get into it. Start moaning and breathing heavy. Give them orders ("faster, harder, pull my hair!"). Get into it! Eye contact is also a great idea. Eventually they will get uncomfortable and stop (or get equally awkward (which would be better)).
Or you could grow a pair, and just get the fucking body scan. The TSA is doing the best they can. If they don't take these precautions and some asshole sets his johnson on fire on a plane again, everyone will be pissed that the TSA didn't do anything. As I said the pictures don't look like much, the agents just want to do their job and get on with their life. Get over yourself, no one wants to see you naked, average American.
See you in the airport,
Scott
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Good Friday gift idea
Dear Reader,
I assume you have either played (or at least heard of) the God of War series of video games. If, for some reason, you haven't, I will briefly explain it. You are this dude (Kratos), and Ares (the Greek god of war) tricks you into killing your wife and child. So naturally you take the prudent approach, and kill the god of war. After that, Zeus does you wrong so you kill just about every Greek god you can find. It is a wonderfully violent and graphic game. The question is this. Now that the Greek gods are dead, where do we go from here? Luckily, I have a solution.
Make the game about the Old and New Testaments! Now we are trying to kill the Judeo-Christian god. This will mostly be an Old Testament game, since that god was way more bad ass. He is an easy antagonist, with all the torture, genocides (both ordered and done), and rapes (also ordered). Really he is not a lovable character. Which I think I epitomized in the story of Job. Job will be the protagonist.
In case you were unaware of the story of Job, I shall again drop some knowledge. Job is a successful guy with seven children, and he loves god. So Satan and god are hanging out and bullshitting, and Satan mentions that Job only loves god because he is a success. So to prove that that is not the case god tells Satan to take it all away from Job. So Satan has Jobs business ruined and his children are crushed to death. Job still loves god. So he is rewarded by being covered in boils. He then asks why this has happened. God basically comes down, and says "Listen kid, I do what I want. No one questions me!" He later cures Job of his boils and he is a success again with seven new kids, and job is happy. This is where my game will be different. Job becomes my games Kratos and vows revenge. As you can see this won't be very different from God of War, just different characters. Also the chronology of the game will not be the same as the Testaments, but that is just so we can have a story.
Now on to the game!
In the beginning Job will get revenge on god by killing his son, Jesus. He will have to battle through apostles and Roman soldiers to get to Jesus. It will end with job crucifying the J man. Like the Bible, in three days Jesus will come back to life, but he will essentially be a Patient Zero for a hoard of zombies. That's right this game has zombies! The zombies will be all over the old world to try and stop Job.
Now all of the biblical figures will be pissed. So they will do all they can to stop you. I don't really have a clear vision of how these will all connect so I will just give a synopsis of the various bosses and levels and things of that nature:
David and Goliath: You will fight both of these enemies, as well as their armies. Naturally you will first kill David and take his slingshot, from his cold dead hands! You will then need to use the slingshot to kill Goliath. No real surprises here.
Moses: Welcome to Egypt. You will fight Egyptians, Hebrew slaves, and of course zombies. Also as a nice twist you will have to make it through the ten plagues. To defeat the angel of death (the tenth plague) you will have to slaughter some sheep and cover yourself in sheep blood. Angels of death notoriously fear sheep blood. Getting the angel of death in the sheep blood should take care of him. Now on to that pesky Moses! In defeating him you will hit him with his commandment tablets, and throw him in to the burning bush.
Noah: Time for a high seas adventure! You will have to take care of the arc's crew and some animals. To defeat Noah, I would suggest feeding him to some ferocious animals lions or bears or some shit like that. After this you jump overboard into the seas, but...
Jonah: ...you are eaten by a massive whale! Jonah's whale to be exact. You can now fight your way through various sea critters to get to Jonah. Nothing really epic there, but I like the idea of having to force yourself out of the whale's stomach.
Zombie Jesus: You didn't think that he would just get to keep being a zombie like that did you? I would saying that you would crucify him again, but I would think his body would fall apart, so we will have to think of some other way to off him again.
God: Now for the epic final battle! I think it would be funny if you killed him with talk of a heliocentric solar system, and evolution. However, that would be a lame game.
After god is dead you get an ending movie of life after his reign. People are more peaceful and technologically advanced. Oh what a world!
Now I just need a name for this. I was thinking "Take This Job and Shove It."
Peace be with you,
Scott
I assume you have either played (or at least heard of) the God of War series of video games. If, for some reason, you haven't, I will briefly explain it. You are this dude (Kratos), and Ares (the Greek god of war) tricks you into killing your wife and child. So naturally you take the prudent approach, and kill the god of war. After that, Zeus does you wrong so you kill just about every Greek god you can find. It is a wonderfully violent and graphic game. The question is this. Now that the Greek gods are dead, where do we go from here? Luckily, I have a solution.
Make the game about the Old and New Testaments! Now we are trying to kill the Judeo-Christian god. This will mostly be an Old Testament game, since that god was way more bad ass. He is an easy antagonist, with all the torture, genocides (both ordered and done), and rapes (also ordered). Really he is not a lovable character. Which I think I epitomized in the story of Job. Job will be the protagonist.
In case you were unaware of the story of Job, I shall again drop some knowledge. Job is a successful guy with seven children, and he loves god. So Satan and god are hanging out and bullshitting, and Satan mentions that Job only loves god because he is a success. So to prove that that is not the case god tells Satan to take it all away from Job. So Satan has Jobs business ruined and his children are crushed to death. Job still loves god. So he is rewarded by being covered in boils. He then asks why this has happened. God basically comes down, and says "Listen kid, I do what I want. No one questions me!" He later cures Job of his boils and he is a success again with seven new kids, and job is happy. This is where my game will be different. Job becomes my games Kratos and vows revenge. As you can see this won't be very different from God of War, just different characters. Also the chronology of the game will not be the same as the Testaments, but that is just so we can have a story.
Now on to the game!
In the beginning Job will get revenge on god by killing his son, Jesus. He will have to battle through apostles and Roman soldiers to get to Jesus. It will end with job crucifying the J man. Like the Bible, in three days Jesus will come back to life, but he will essentially be a Patient Zero for a hoard of zombies. That's right this game has zombies! The zombies will be all over the old world to try and stop Job.
Now all of the biblical figures will be pissed. So they will do all they can to stop you. I don't really have a clear vision of how these will all connect so I will just give a synopsis of the various bosses and levels and things of that nature:
David and Goliath: You will fight both of these enemies, as well as their armies. Naturally you will first kill David and take his slingshot, from his cold dead hands! You will then need to use the slingshot to kill Goliath. No real surprises here.
Moses: Welcome to Egypt. You will fight Egyptians, Hebrew slaves, and of course zombies. Also as a nice twist you will have to make it through the ten plagues. To defeat the angel of death (the tenth plague) you will have to slaughter some sheep and cover yourself in sheep blood. Angels of death notoriously fear sheep blood. Getting the angel of death in the sheep blood should take care of him. Now on to that pesky Moses! In defeating him you will hit him with his commandment tablets, and throw him in to the burning bush.
Noah: Time for a high seas adventure! You will have to take care of the arc's crew and some animals. To defeat Noah, I would suggest feeding him to some ferocious animals lions or bears or some shit like that. After this you jump overboard into the seas, but...
Jonah: ...you are eaten by a massive whale! Jonah's whale to be exact. You can now fight your way through various sea critters to get to Jonah. Nothing really epic there, but I like the idea of having to force yourself out of the whale's stomach.
Zombie Jesus: You didn't think that he would just get to keep being a zombie like that did you? I would saying that you would crucify him again, but I would think his body would fall apart, so we will have to think of some other way to off him again.
God: Now for the epic final battle! I think it would be funny if you killed him with talk of a heliocentric solar system, and evolution. However, that would be a lame game.
After god is dead you get an ending movie of life after his reign. People are more peaceful and technologically advanced. Oh what a world!
Now I just need a name for this. I was thinking "Take This Job and Shove It."
Peace be with you,
Scott
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