Even in death it sucks to be Gary Coleman

Dear Reader,

Well it been a busy couple of days in the world of celebrity deaths. Which, as you know, is one of my favorite things!

First I would like to talk about Bret Michaels. He didn't die. It was the worst case of celebrity death blue balls ever! First he was rushed to the hospital near the end of April for severe headaches. He was in critical condition, maybe he would slip into a coma. Then VH1 can launch a new dating show: Who Wants to Date a Vegetable with Bret Michaels. How awesome would that show be? VERY AWESOME is the answer. Just imagine a bunch of trashy skanks grinding and getting drunk over his body. They can all fight to change his catheter! I would watch that in a second. Then once he ate the big one VH1 can have Rock of Love marathons! This would be the best thing ever! Sadly none of the happened. He recovered and is doing fine, he even won Celebrity Apprentice. Side note he wore his bandanna in the hospital because he "Wanted to go out rocking." Bullshit! You are a douche who is afraid the world will know that you are a balding sad caricature of your former self.

So that was upsetting, but then May 28th came along and Gary Coleman finally had all of his dreams come true. He died, which he has wanted ever since Diff'rent Strokes got cancelled. One could say that Gary gave life the old Cleveland Try. Finally people would care about him again, the jokes would stop! Unfortunately, he didn't die of a stoke. It would be a different stroke indeed! It was really inconsiderate of him, now Avenue Q has to change their show around to get rid of the Gary Coleman character. Maybe they can use Emmanuel Lewis instead. Now people will spend a couple of days saying good things about him. Not is Dennis Hopper has anything to say about it.

That's right the next day Dennis Hopper goes quietly into the good night. Now a dead there was a dead person people actually cared about. Well there goes my hopes for a Waterworld sequel. Waterworld 2: The Return of the Deacon! At least we can look forward to a Speed, Super Mario Bros, and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 triple feature and your local drive in movie. Maybe when Gary and Dennis meet up int he sideways/purgatory world in Lost and Dennis can give Gary a quick kick to the junk as one last dig. Oh yea if you didn't see the finale of Lost, that's how it ends. Lots of junk punches. Mostly to the loyal fans. What a shitty way to end the show.

Glad I am not G. Coleman,
Scott

The most depressing song ever

Dear Reader,

To keep this blog's long tradition of posting variations of the song "We Are the World" I present you this:


EMBED-We Are Lebron Video - Watch more free videos

You should probably watch that again. I'll wait.

Cleveland is, hands down, the most miserable place in America. Only two good things (LeBreazy excluded) have ever come out of The Mistake by the Lake:

1. Drew Carey
2. Jokes about Cleveland

Despite his lackluster performance as the host of the Price is Right, Mr. Carey is a solid comedian/actor. The Drew Carey show was AMAZING! Aside form LeBron, Drew is easily the biggest thing to ever come out of the land of Cleve. It's weird that he isn't int he song, I guess they didn't want a big name. They gave it the old Cleveland Try. This will be a new phrase to refer to someone not giving it all they can, and just failing terribly. See also: The city of Cleveland.

When LeBron leaves you will get to hear the collective suicide of an entire city. It will be a pretty epic event. He is literally the only thing holding the place together. To give an example, let's take a look at Braylon Edwards. He used to be a wide receiver for the Cleveland Browns. He got in a fight with a friend of LeBron James, and roughly the next day he was traded to the Jets.

I love the "celebrities" they have in the video as well. Otto Orf, Cleveland Soccer Legend, does such a title actually exist?! Tim Misny, Intimidating TV Lawyer, that is awesome!

I really hope LeBrogame leaves Cleveland, I think it will be interesting to see what he can do with a real team. I also hope he doesn't go to the Knicks. I hate the Knicks, fuck them. They can be summed up by Erika Lauren, WMMS Personality/ MTV's Real World contestant, "New York is overcrowded, Those people are unbearable, And don't forget, the Knicks and Nets are terrible." Mostly true, Lauren. The Nets play in the greatest state of all, New Jersey, not New York. Otherwise dead on.

I hope the attempts to get LeBron to stay get more sad and desperate, because looking at Cleveland just makes you feel better about yourself.

Glad to not be there,
Scott

Welcome back

Dear Reader,

I'm sorry it took so long for me to write to you again. I will do my best to not have these delays in the future. Since it's been a while I will just shoot off a few small items of interest.

Step aside Double Bacon, we have a new football rapist! That's right New Jersey Giants' legend Lawrence Taylor allegedly raped a 16-year-old! Not only that but he paid her so that's a double whammy! This may put a damper on his young acting career. I have a feeling Joe Theismann set all this up. He finally got his revenge! SUCK ON IT LT!

A fired Port Authority lieutenant won his appeal! What was he fired for? Well, he was looking at porn at work, and he stole $4,400 from the company. He claimed that his actions were due to post-traumatic stress disorder, and the courts let him resign. Now he gets a fatty pension! How awesome is that?! It's good to know that if you ever get caught watching porn at work, everything will be OK!

Tim Tebow's jersey was the top selling NFL jersey in April. That is horse shit! (haha horse shit, and he plays for the Broncos) No one knows how he will do as a pro. He is a back up right now. And he is also an incredible douche! God doesn't love you Tim, that's why you lost the 2009 SEC Championship and cried like the smoten residents of Sodom and Gomorrah. I disagree with the Superbowl commercial Tim and his mom were in. If anything, he is a walking advertisement for abortion.

It's good to be back,
Scott

You are being rewarded with a delay

Dear Reader,

Lucky day for you! I will be gone for a week! Not that I write to you often, but it will be less often for a week. To ease your worries I will give you some links that you can waste your time with:

Laser Tits: Holy shit! this website has everything. From now on everything will be defined as "tits that shoot lasers." In a perfect world, every picture of a lady will have lasers shooting out of their tits.

Michael Buble Being Stalked By A Velociraptor: These pictures are not photoshopped. He is really being stalked by a raptor. What a lucky schmuck! I would love to be stalked by a dinosaur, of any kind! DINOSAURS ARE FUCKING AWESOME! I hope the raptor catches Buble.

My First Dictionary: Another very informative website. This is how I learn all of the big and fancy words on this blog.

That's all for now. I hope these sites work well in keeping you unproductive at work.

I'll talk to you in a week,
Scott

If at first you get away with alleged rape, try try again

Dear Reader,

If you have been paying attention to the latest rumor and gossip from Pittsburgh, which I attempt to do, then I'm sure you've heard about the latest activities of The Pittsburgh (football) Steelers' quarterback, Ben (Double Bacon) Roethlisberger with cheese. In case you have not been kept abreast of the really smart things he's done with his life, I shall let you know.

So back in 2004 when he was given the starting QB role for the Steelers he led them to 13 consecutive wins. He was supposed to be the number 3 guy but was lucky that both Charlie Batch and Tommy Maddox got JACKED UP int he beginning of the season. Not so bad. The next year he led them to a Superbowl victory. Did I mention that he loves riding his motorcycle without a helmet? I'm sure I did. He was so proud of this aspect of his life. Legendary Steelers' quartersnatch, Terry Bradshaw, gave Big Beezy some sage wisdom. "You are not Superman, wear a helmet, stop being a tool." Or something like that. Ben thought he was Superman and kept riding sans protective head gear. I guess he forgot that a horse was able to take down the Man O' Steel, so it was real easy for the car-bike combo to take out this generations Clark Kent.

That's right he drove into a car. On his motorcycle. Without a helmet. AND HE LIVES! Not only that but he recovers and goes on to perform in a lackluster fashion for the next season. Way to go champ, now you'll never learn your lesson. The next couple of years are pretty uneventful for our hero, until 2008.

He wins another Superbowl! Looks like things are finally turning around for Double Bacon, oh wait... What was that? Oh it would seem that Ben allegedly raped a woman in a Lake Tahoe hotel room. No charges were filed, no evidence was collected. Apparently, she even bragged to her co-workers for bedding the last son of Krypton. So this is good, she seems like she is trying to take advantage of his celebrity and his $100 million ten year deal.

Now a normal person would take this moment and think, "You know, the last time I banged out a groupie, it kind of backfired on me. Maybe I will slow my roll a little bit, and take some extra precautions the next time I want a piece of ass." I would have gotten this tattooed on my junk as a constant reminder. So that's it story's over.

Just kidding! On March 5th 2010 Large Benji allegedly sexually assaulted a broad in a restroom in a club. He has not been charged for anything in this case either. Buy really, Ben, have you learned nothing? Also the more rape allegation you have against you the more they seem to be true, if they are or aren't. Now I am a Steelers fan, and he is just not the type of guy I want leading a team I love. A leader knows to stop allegedly raping chicks. if you have to, you have two options:

1. Be honest like when Ricky Williams said he loves smoking weed. Just say, "I just love raping bitches, my b."
2. Take my advice for Tiger Woods about what he should have done with his harem.

Remember always have your sexual conquests fill out a consent form,
Scott

Baseball can hardly even be considered a sport

Dear Reader,

Unfortunately, it has come to my attention that baseball season is once again in full effect. I can't think of a bigger waste of time than baseball. Basically you are watching a bunch of douche-bags stand around, while two people play catch via an intermediary. Sometimes someone runs.

Another problem with baseball is that the season is 162 games long. Let me write that down with words so it looks longer. The season is one hundred sixty two games long. Hot damn! That is unnecessary! Is there really a need for that many games to prove how good the teams are? No. Football does this in 16 games. Football is obviously ten times as efficient as baseball. I did some research and I found that the fewest games won by a team, in one season, was 20 by the Cleveland Spiders in 1899 (how awesome is it that even back then Cleveland sucked? Pretty awesome). Also the fewest games lost by a team, in one season was 36 by the Chicago Cubs in 1906. Why am I mentioning these two stats? They indicate that the baseball season should be 56 games shorter. Every team is expected to have at least 20 wins and 36 losses, so they don't even need to play those games.

Did you see that? I just made baseball more productive.

When I am in a position where I am watching baseball, (I try to avoid this as much as possible. (People who know me also try to avoid me watching baseball with them as much as possible as well.)) I almost always root for the home team to be up by the start of the bottom of the 9th inning. This way the game is a half inning shorter. If for whatever terrible reason the home team can't accomplish this, i will then root for the away team, since the home team let me down. The two special cases where this is not the case are Red Sox and Yankees games. I will always root against both of those teams (mainly because they have, hands down, the most obnoxious fan bases). If the Red Sox are playing the Yankees, then I will root against the Yankees. The Yankees are easily my least favorite aspect of my least favorite activity.

What kind of sissy men are baseball players if they can't play in the rain? Its rain! You want to play outside, deal with the weather. Grow a pair.

I would write more on this subject, but it's just going to make me upset. Fuck baseball. I hope everyone associated with the game gets a new strain of syphilis that can only be cured by getting vertically sawed in half.

The only good thing about baseball is the movie A League of Their Own. By the way Dottie DID NOT drop the ball on purpose. I will go more into that in a later entry. I must devote my full attention to the subject.

Can't wait for a real sport to start,
Scott

Good Friday gift idea

Dear Reader,

I assume you have either played (or at least heard of) the God of War series of video games. If, for some reason, you haven't, I will briefly explain it. You are this dude (Kratos), and Ares (the Greek god of war) tricks you into killing your wife and child. So naturally you take the prudent approach, and kill the god of war. After that, Zeus does you wrong so you kill just about every Greek god you can find. It is a wonderfully violent and graphic game. The question is this. Now that the Greek gods are dead, where do we go from here? Luckily, I have a solution.

Make the game about the Old and New Testaments! Now we are trying to kill the Judeo-Christian god. This will mostly be an Old Testament game, since that god was way more bad ass. He is an easy antagonist, with all the torture, genocides (both ordered and done), and rapes (also ordered). Really he is not a lovable character. Which I think I epitomized in the story of Job. Job will be the protagonist.

In case you were unaware of the story of Job, I shall again drop some knowledge. Job is a successful guy with seven children, and he loves god. So Satan and god are hanging out and bullshitting, and Satan mentions that Job only loves god because he is a success. So to prove that that is not the case god tells Satan to take it all away from Job. So Satan has Jobs business ruined and his children are crushed to death. Job still loves god. So he is rewarded by being covered in boils. He then asks why this has happened. God basically comes down, and says "Listen kid, I do what I want. No one questions me!" He later cures Job of his boils and he is a success again with seven new kids, and job is happy. This is where my game will be different. Job becomes my games Kratos and vows revenge. As you can see this won't be very different from God of War, just different characters. Also the chronology of the game will not be the same as the Testaments, but that is just so we can have a story.

Now on to the game!

In the beginning Job will get revenge on god by killing his son, Jesus. He will have to battle through apostles and Roman soldiers to get to Jesus. It will end with job crucifying the J man. Like the Bible, in three days Jesus will come back to life, but he will essentially be a Patient Zero for a hoard of zombies. That's right this game has zombies! The zombies will be all over the old world to try and stop Job.

Now all of the biblical figures will be pissed. So they will do all they can to stop you. I don't really have a clear vision of how these will all connect so I will just give a synopsis of the various bosses and levels and things of that nature:

David and Goliath: You will fight both of these enemies, as well as their armies. Naturally you will first kill David and take his slingshot, from his cold dead hands! You will then need to use the slingshot to kill Goliath. No real surprises here.

Moses: Welcome to Egypt. You will fight Egyptians, Hebrew slaves, and of course zombies. Also as a nice twist you will have to make it through the ten plagues. To defeat the angel of death (the tenth plague) you will have to slaughter some sheep and cover yourself in sheep blood. Angels of death notoriously fear sheep blood. Getting the angel of death in the sheep blood should take care of him. Now on to that pesky Moses! In defeating him you will hit him with his commandment tablets, and throw him in to the burning bush.

Noah: Time for a high seas adventure! You will have to take care of the arc's crew and some animals. To defeat Noah, I would suggest feeding him to some ferocious animals lions or bears or some shit like that. After this you jump overboard into the seas, but...

Jonah: ...you are eaten by a massive whale! Jonah's whale to be exact. You can now fight your way through various sea critters to get to Jonah. Nothing really epic there, but I like the idea of having to force yourself out of the whale's stomach.

Zombie Jesus: You didn't think that he would just get to keep being a zombie like that did you? I would saying that you would crucify him again, but I would think his body would fall apart, so we will have to think of some other way to off him again.

God: Now for the epic final battle! I think it would be funny if you killed him with talk of a heliocentric solar system, and evolution. However, that would be a lame game.

After god is dead you get an ending movie of life after his reign. People are more peaceful and technologically advanced. Oh what a world!

Now I just need a name for this. I was thinking "Take This Job and Shove It."

Peace be with you,
Scott