If at first you get away with alleged rape, try try again

Dear Reader,

If you have been paying attention to the latest rumor and gossip from Pittsburgh, which I attempt to do, then I'm sure you've heard about the latest activities of The Pittsburgh (football) Steelers' quarterback, Ben (Double Bacon) Roethlisberger with cheese. In case you have not been kept abreast of the really smart things he's done with his life, I shall let you know.

So back in 2004 when he was given the starting QB role for the Steelers he led them to 13 consecutive wins. He was supposed to be the number 3 guy but was lucky that both Charlie Batch and Tommy Maddox got JACKED UP int he beginning of the season. Not so bad. The next year he led them to a Superbowl victory. Did I mention that he loves riding his motorcycle without a helmet? I'm sure I did. He was so proud of this aspect of his life. Legendary Steelers' quartersnatch, Terry Bradshaw, gave Big Beezy some sage wisdom. "You are not Superman, wear a helmet, stop being a tool." Or something like that. Ben thought he was Superman and kept riding sans protective head gear. I guess he forgot that a horse was able to take down the Man O' Steel, so it was real easy for the car-bike combo to take out this generations Clark Kent.

That's right he drove into a car. On his motorcycle. Without a helmet. AND HE LIVES! Not only that but he recovers and goes on to perform in a lackluster fashion for the next season. Way to go champ, now you'll never learn your lesson. The next couple of years are pretty uneventful for our hero, until 2008.

He wins another Superbowl! Looks like things are finally turning around for Double Bacon, oh wait... What was that? Oh it would seem that Ben allegedly raped a woman in a Lake Tahoe hotel room. No charges were filed, no evidence was collected. Apparently, she even bragged to her co-workers for bedding the last son of Krypton. So this is good, she seems like she is trying to take advantage of his celebrity and his $100 million ten year deal.

Now a normal person would take this moment and think, "You know, the last time I banged out a groupie, it kind of backfired on me. Maybe I will slow my roll a little bit, and take some extra precautions the next time I want a piece of ass." I would have gotten this tattooed on my junk as a constant reminder. So that's it story's over.

Just kidding! On March 5th 2010 Large Benji allegedly sexually assaulted a broad in a restroom in a club. He has not been charged for anything in this case either. Buy really, Ben, have you learned nothing? Also the more rape allegation you have against you the more they seem to be true, if they are or aren't. Now I am a Steelers fan, and he is just not the type of guy I want leading a team I love. A leader knows to stop allegedly raping chicks. if you have to, you have two options:

1. Be honest like when Ricky Williams said he loves smoking weed. Just say, "I just love raping bitches, my b."
2. Take my advice for Tiger Woods about what he should have done with his harem.

Remember always have your sexual conquests fill out a consent form,
Scott

Vultures are really smart

Dear Reader,

As you can see in this link vultures have taken up residence in a retirement community in Texas. This is awesome. It is an ingenious way for the vultures to get to their food early. Early vulture gets the corpse, I always say. Really I say it all the time. Its about time it was relevant.

The best part about the above video is that homegirl is confused about why they are there in the first place. They are there to feed! They can smell death. Or at least they can clearly smell imminent death. Evolution is a nifty thing!

I also really enjoy their solution. Air horns. Now a future conversation can go like this:
"THIS IS SO MUCH NICER THAN WHEN THE VULTURES WERE HERE!"
"WHAT?!"
"THE VULTURES! IT'S SO MUCH NICER NOW THAT THEY'RE GONE!"
"YOUR EARS ARE BLEEDING!"
"WHAT?!"

A better solution would be to have more younger folks move in. The smell of youthful vitality will be distasteful to the vultures. Plus it will be a bit quieter than the air horns, if you can ignore the loud hip hop blaring from the boom boxes that the kids are so fond of these days.

Enjoy your youth,
Scott

Obligatory Tiger Woods Blog Post

Dear Reader,

Remember when Tiger Woods was known for being a golfer? Those were the days. Fortunately now, he is much more interesting. You may be asking yourself "What could Tiger have done, to not get himself into this mess?" That is a great question, Reader, and I will gladly answer it.

Tiger Woods had roughly fourteen mistresses, hot damn! That's a lot of tang on the side! That was his first mistake. He let them live to tell the tale. What he should have done was to just "take care" of them, after he had his way with them. Now hear me out. One of these ladies was a VH1 Reality star reject. The world would not have missed her. Also, who would believe rumors that Tiger is a serial killer? No one! And just think how much more intimidating he would have been as an athlete! OJ would have nothing on T Dub!

So that would have solved Tiger's issues. As we know that did not happen. I am mildly disappointed in Elin (his wife for those who only know her as Tiger's wife). She should have raked in the sponsorship dollars from golf club companies after busting Tiger's windows. I don't own golf clubs, but if some angry blond brandishing one told me to buy her brand, I would.

Basically what I am trying to say, is that I figured a lot of folks would be looking up Tiger Woods on Google today, since he is giving his "big speech" (more on that later); and I wanted to capitalize on that and get at least two hits to this little website.

The speech you say? Yes as you know Tiger is giving a five minute speech today at 11 AM EST, to explain is "transgressions." If I ran his PR campaign, I would tell him to announce he is gay. Think about it. Now America loves him again. Why did he sleep with all those broads? He only did so to maintain his "man's man" image. He didn't want to society made him. Plus, now it would look like his wife is the jerk. "She went after her husband with a golf club because he's gay," people would say. Now he is a victim.

I am not saying he is gay, I'm just saying he should say that he is.

Stick with me T Dub, and you will go far.

Your welcome,
Scott