Dear Reader,
A third one of these in a week?! Holy shit, it looks like I finally got ambitious. Don't get all excited yet, odds are this won't last long. Unfortunately for you a special someone died today. That's right George Steinbrenner ate the big eat today. If this is the first you've heard about this, then you really need to get your news from anywhere else.
That's right the owner of the Yankees is gone! Maybe now the Yankees will fall apart as well. Maybe Georgie can Chris Henry the Yankees, and they will lose tragically for the rest of the season! That is a world I want to live in. Then maybe this country can just give up its sad love affair with baseball. Then we can get a real sport in here, like curling. As you are well aware, I hate baseball. The Yankees are the worst part about this social abortion known as baseball.
I am also happy that an ancillary character, based on a real person, from Seinfeld is gone. You're next soup Nazi! Speaking of terrible things, Seinfeld was an awful show. I know everyone loves it, but it is one of the worst shows ever made. I know, I know, I should give it a chance. Well I have, I've had the displeasure of watching most of the series. It used to be on between Simpsons re-runs and I was too lazy to change the channel. The show isn't about nothing. It's abut four of the most unlikeable characters and their unlikable lives. When I see that show, I just want everyone to fail and/or die. An Odd Couple remake with Osama bin Laden and Adolf Hitler would have more sympathetic characters!
Steinny was a liar. Here is what he said after purchasing the Yankees in 1973, "We plan absentee ownership as far as running the Yankees is concerned." Really? You sure there? He was one of the most hands on owners ever. Like a more successful Al Davis (more on Al later!). Also he made all of the players to be clean-shaven and short hair. That is just a douche move. Let them grow beards and long hair. They play a game for a living, they aren't saving lives or doing anything important.
Well now that Steinbrenner is gone, maybe some other owners will follow his lead. Here is a short list of which owners should end it now.
1. Dan Gilbert (owner of the Cleveland Cavaliers) - He will probably just commit suicide, he has had a bad summer. He lost LeBron, and he's in Cleveland. He has nothing to live for. He just made the Browns, the best sports team in Cleveland.
2. Jerry Jones (owner of the Dallas Cowboys) - Just shut the fuck up Jerry. Stop trying to destroy football. He doesn't need the biggest stadium ever built. The salary cap and profit sharing are great things for the sport. Everyone hates the Yankees, and he is like a little 'brenner. Also why the shit what he on Entourage on Sunday? That was awful, just get drunk and bad mouth Bill Parcells again. Then die.
3. Al Davis (owner of the Oakland Raiders (told you I would get to him later (later is now by the way))) - Al Davis has done everything in his power to destroy the Raiders. It is really impressive, if you think about it. Just stop being an owner, gm, and play caller for your team. Also how could we forget the JaMarcus Russell experiment. To help explain the experiment. Imagine Al Davis is making the atomic bomb, and the Raiders are Hiroshima. Have you seen Mr. Davis recently? There are burn victims who are better looking! He is like a bizarre Dorian Gray painting. Whatever he does, to the Raiders, is represented on his face. I think if he looks into a mirror, if he has one, his reflection should do the trick in ending his tyranny.
At least one Yankee is gone,
Scott
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Monday, July 12, 2010
Happy 12th of July!
Dear Reader,
As you know I was betrayed by some asshole, and I wasn't Internetting on the Fourth of July. So I was unable to update you on the greatest sporting event of the year, the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest. The NHDEC is he best way to celebrate the birth of our nation (for the international reader I mean my nation not yours)! It is the greatest thing on television, aside from Shark Week.
Holy shit Shark Week starts in less than a month! August 1st! GET EXCITED!
When did this magnificent event start? Why would I want to watch a bunch of fat guys eat? Who won? Stop asking questions! At least give me a chance to answer.
This annual sporting event started on July 4th, 1916 in Coney Island. Four immigrants wanted to see who can eat the most Nathan's Hot dogs to prove who was the most patriotic. As a side note, that is the only way I will now accept your love of this country. You can shove those little Post 911 American flag pins up your ass. If you are not gorging yourself on Nathan's dogs, fuck Hebrew National, this is America!
Where was I? Oh yes 1916. James Mullen won. What a hero! Even though you didn't ask, I will tell you how to get into the contest, you're welcome. The quickest way is if you are the defending champion, so work on that. I think you may need one of these other entry points. You could win a qualifying contest for the current season. If you fail to win a qualifier, you can be one of the two wild cards by having the highest average score without winning the qualifier. If you are still a disgrace and a failure you can get in by being invited by the IFOCE (International Federation of Competitive Eating). Oh you also have to be a member of the federation, so you have to do that first. GOOD LUCK!
Back to your questions! They are not all fat. Why would you assume that? In fact some of the best athletes are rather trim. You have to do a lot of exercise to be able to eat that much and live. To say they are not athletes is disrespectful, and you probably said that because your jealous. Also they aren't all guys! That's sexist, some chicks are professional gurgitators. Sonya "The Black Widow" Thomas and Juliet Lee are two women than come to mind. Both of these ladies are quite skinny, so that blows your initial assumptions right out of the water. Why do you keep your assumptions in the water anyway? That seems silly.
Now your last question. For the years of 2001 to 2006 Takeru Kobayashi was unbeatable. He was easily the greatest athlete of that era. He had a strangle hold on the contest. It was a dark time for America, him being Japanese and all. He was the best villain in sports, better than A-Rod, LeBron, and the Iceland Hockey Team in the Junior Goodwill Games in Mighty Ducks 2 combined! In 2007, all that changed. Joey Chestnut beat Kobayashi! Every year since it has always been down to Chestnut and Kobayashi with record breaking results. Every year Joey won in dramatic fashion! Every year before this year. Takeru did not participate this year. He was in contract negotiations with MLE (Major League Eating (I know! Another competitive eating organization!)), so he could not play along. Because of his absence in the contest Joey won with no problem. No record was broken. The contest was missing something. We need Kobayashi. We need a bad guy. I always root for him. I know very unpatriotic of me, but, as you know, I have a soft spot for antagonists. He is good for the sport, he makes every play better.
TK was in attendance at the event. he tried to get on stage after the event, but was arrested. The crowd chanted "Let him eat!" Not letting him participate in America's pastime is shameful. I hope this does not happen next year.
Shark Week can't happen soon enough,
Scott
As you know I was betrayed by some asshole, and I wasn't Internetting on the Fourth of July. So I was unable to update you on the greatest sporting event of the year, the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest. The NHDEC is he best way to celebrate the birth of our nation (for the international reader I mean my nation not yours)! It is the greatest thing on television, aside from Shark Week.
Holy shit Shark Week starts in less than a month! August 1st! GET EXCITED!
When did this magnificent event start? Why would I want to watch a bunch of fat guys eat? Who won? Stop asking questions! At least give me a chance to answer.
This annual sporting event started on July 4th, 1916 in Coney Island. Four immigrants wanted to see who can eat the most Nathan's Hot dogs to prove who was the most patriotic. As a side note, that is the only way I will now accept your love of this country. You can shove those little Post 911 American flag pins up your ass. If you are not gorging yourself on Nathan's dogs, fuck Hebrew National, this is America!
Where was I? Oh yes 1916. James Mullen won. What a hero! Even though you didn't ask, I will tell you how to get into the contest, you're welcome. The quickest way is if you are the defending champion, so work on that. I think you may need one of these other entry points. You could win a qualifying contest for the current season. If you fail to win a qualifier, you can be one of the two wild cards by having the highest average score without winning the qualifier. If you are still a disgrace and a failure you can get in by being invited by the IFOCE (International Federation of Competitive Eating). Oh you also have to be a member of the federation, so you have to do that first. GOOD LUCK!
Back to your questions! They are not all fat. Why would you assume that? In fact some of the best athletes are rather trim. You have to do a lot of exercise to be able to eat that much and live. To say they are not athletes is disrespectful, and you probably said that because your jealous. Also they aren't all guys! That's sexist, some chicks are professional gurgitators. Sonya "The Black Widow" Thomas and Juliet Lee are two women than come to mind. Both of these ladies are quite skinny, so that blows your initial assumptions right out of the water. Why do you keep your assumptions in the water anyway? That seems silly.
Now your last question. For the years of 2001 to 2006 Takeru Kobayashi was unbeatable. He was easily the greatest athlete of that era. He had a strangle hold on the contest. It was a dark time for America, him being Japanese and all. He was the best villain in sports, better than A-Rod, LeBron, and the Iceland Hockey Team in the Junior Goodwill Games in Mighty Ducks 2 combined! In 2007, all that changed. Joey Chestnut beat Kobayashi! Every year since it has always been down to Chestnut and Kobayashi with record breaking results. Every year Joey won in dramatic fashion! Every year before this year. Takeru did not participate this year. He was in contract negotiations with MLE (Major League Eating (I know! Another competitive eating organization!)), so he could not play along. Because of his absence in the contest Joey won with no problem. No record was broken. The contest was missing something. We need Kobayashi. We need a bad guy. I always root for him. I know very unpatriotic of me, but, as you know, I have a soft spot for antagonists. He is good for the sport, he makes every play better.
TK was in attendance at the event. he tried to get on stage after the event, but was arrested. The crowd chanted "Let him eat!" Not letting him participate in America's pastime is shameful. I hope this does not happen next year.
Shark Week can't happen soon enough,
Scott
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Well, that was inconvenient
Dear Reader,
Sorry for the lack of updates. I made a mistake when I listened to Prince. You see a couple days ago The Artist Formally Known as the Artist Formally Known as Prince made the announcement that the Internet is completely over! Since TAFKATAFKAP and I are close friends I knew of his views a few weeks ago. That's why I have been aloof in the last month. So it turns out, I was lied to. The Internet is alive and well, as you can tell if you are reading this (which you are). If you somehow are not reading this then you have no idea what I just typed here. So this is the last time I believe someone who was once a symbol.
So since I have been neglecting my loyal reader I will do my best to update you and some recent newsings.
Apparently, Al Gore cheated on his wife Tipper with a masseuse four years ago. First of all I am not a fan of either Ally or Tip as people, so I'm already upset that I am writing about them. I hate Al because he is a fucking hypocrite. He makes a huge stink about the environment, which is warranted, but he doesn't follow his own cause. I agree that we need cleaner fuel and we need to do some right by our world. However I do not respect someone who bases their life on this, but then buys carbon credits so he can waste all the energy he wants. What an asshole. Now on to that bitch Tipper, she is the shit head who spearheaded the campaign to censor music. She is responsible for the parental advisory stickers on everything. Let people listen to whatever the fuck they want, stay out of our lives. Now back to the massage!
In 2006 Al hired this 56 year-old masseuse for a rub down. According to her, he made her drink Grand Marnier, and pinned her down, and kissed her like the french. Also, like good old Monica Lewinsky, he let lose some future children on the front of her pants. Like any reasonable person she didn't wash the pants, that's something you save for a special occasion! Now, I think something happened. Do I think he sexually assaulted her? No.
In her report she said "get off me, you lummox!" No one has used that word int he past 40 years. Her story is clearly in shambles on that line alone. Really? Also, during that encounter, she called him a "crazed sex poodle." First of that sounds a lot like flirting. These terms "lummox" and "sex poodle", don't really seem like the appropriate things to say whilst being raped. I have never been raped by an ex-vice president, maybe that is protocol. I don't know, it just seems a bit tame to me. She made a statement that she wasn't seeking money for any of this, she isn't a "gold digger." Unless you count the $1 million she is getting from the National Enquirer for the story.
To sum up my feelings on this. It pisses me off. I was very happy not imagining a naked Al Gore running around wagging his tongue, sweating profusely, fondling a middle aged woman, all while jizzing everywhere. It was just not a visual I needed. Basically, fuck you masseuse for giving me, and my reader that image.
That made me feel gross,
Scott
Sorry for the lack of updates. I made a mistake when I listened to Prince. You see a couple days ago The Artist Formally Known as the Artist Formally Known as Prince made the announcement that the Internet is completely over! Since TAFKATAFKAP and I are close friends I knew of his views a few weeks ago. That's why I have been aloof in the last month. So it turns out, I was lied to. The Internet is alive and well, as you can tell if you are reading this (which you are). If you somehow are not reading this then you have no idea what I just typed here. So this is the last time I believe someone who was once a symbol.
So since I have been neglecting my loyal reader I will do my best to update you and some recent newsings.
Apparently, Al Gore cheated on his wife Tipper with a masseuse four years ago. First of all I am not a fan of either Ally or Tip as people, so I'm already upset that I am writing about them. I hate Al because he is a fucking hypocrite. He makes a huge stink about the environment, which is warranted, but he doesn't follow his own cause. I agree that we need cleaner fuel and we need to do some right by our world. However I do not respect someone who bases their life on this, but then buys carbon credits so he can waste all the energy he wants. What an asshole. Now on to that bitch Tipper, she is the shit head who spearheaded the campaign to censor music. She is responsible for the parental advisory stickers on everything. Let people listen to whatever the fuck they want, stay out of our lives. Now back to the massage!
In 2006 Al hired this 56 year-old masseuse for a rub down. According to her, he made her drink Grand Marnier, and pinned her down, and kissed her like the french. Also, like good old Monica Lewinsky, he let lose some future children on the front of her pants. Like any reasonable person she didn't wash the pants, that's something you save for a special occasion! Now, I think something happened. Do I think he sexually assaulted her? No.
In her report she said "get off me, you lummox!" No one has used that word int he past 40 years. Her story is clearly in shambles on that line alone. Really? Also, during that encounter, she called him a "crazed sex poodle." First of that sounds a lot like flirting. These terms "lummox" and "sex poodle", don't really seem like the appropriate things to say whilst being raped. I have never been raped by an ex-vice president, maybe that is protocol. I don't know, it just seems a bit tame to me. She made a statement that she wasn't seeking money for any of this, she isn't a "gold digger." Unless you count the $1 million she is getting from the National Enquirer for the story.
To sum up my feelings on this. It pisses me off. I was very happy not imagining a naked Al Gore running around wagging his tongue, sweating profusely, fondling a middle aged woman, all while jizzing everywhere. It was just not a visual I needed. Basically, fuck you masseuse for giving me, and my reader that image.
That made me feel gross,
Scott
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Remember the good old days?
Dear Reader,
Today is a very special day. Sixteen years ago today O.J. Simpson went on an exciting 35 mph car chase from the L.A.P.D. What a historic event! People were glued to their video boxes just to watch and marvel at the most riveting bit of visual stimulation in history. It was so exciting that NBC didn't even air Game 5 of the NBA Finals. People would rather watch a bunch of cars going 35 mph than watch basketball. No wonder NASCAR is so popular.
So many questions were running through America's collective mind:
Did O.J. really kill Nicole and Ron?
Will O.J. commit suicide?
Do you think it was a bad idea to name my son Orenthal?
I can run faster than that; why can't the cops catch him?
Why can't they play this instead of basketball all the time?
Wasn't that solar eclipse dope on May 10th?
There is really nothing I can tell you, that you don't know about the Simpson trial and alleged murderings. Unless of course you are somehow reading this from the past. Which is just strange. How did you get the technology and scientific knowhow to read another internet blog before it was created? Also, with all of this power, why are you reading this stupid website? Anyway, while I have your attention, I warn you, do not watch Lost when it comes out in 2004 (spoiler alert: we don't all die at year 2000), it'll just make you upset when they destroy the show in the finale.
Back to Oh Jay, I may be one of the few people who was a fan. How could you hate anyone who was in the Naked Gun movies? You can't. Technically he was found innocent on the murder charges, so we can't call him a murderer. Not only that, but once he was found innocent, he never changed his story. Even when he wrote his book "If I Did It," he still claimed he did nothing. You have to respect someone who commits to the alleged lie. Sadly he was arrested and found guilty for robbery in 2007 and is serving thirty three years. A tragic end.
Which brings me to Joran Van Der Sloot. First of all Van Der Sloot sounds like an awesome Viking Metal band. Secondly, JVDS kind of looks like Bill Hader from SNL. Like The Juice, Mr. Der Sloot is suspected of murdering someone. This someone is Natalee Holloway, in Aruba, in 2005. Unlike The Big O, the small J did not learn his lesson. He murdered again. Never commit the crime you got away with again. That's just silly.
That's right reader, Joran killed a woman in Peru. He even admitted to it! At least he is becoming a more mature murderer, it's important to stand by your work. He is now trying to convince the authorities to let him go to back to Aruba to show the world where Natalee is. I guess the idea of spending the rest of his life in a Peruvian prison wasn't that appealing. Or maybe he thinks, he can use some connections and escape once he gets to Aruba. Which would be interesting, we haven't had a good manhunt since Bucky Phillips! Oh Bucky, you were the best BP.
We miss you Bucky,
Scott
Today is a very special day. Sixteen years ago today O.J. Simpson went on an exciting 35 mph car chase from the L.A.P.D. What a historic event! People were glued to their video boxes just to watch and marvel at the most riveting bit of visual stimulation in history. It was so exciting that NBC didn't even air Game 5 of the NBA Finals. People would rather watch a bunch of cars going 35 mph than watch basketball. No wonder NASCAR is so popular.
So many questions were running through America's collective mind:
Did O.J. really kill Nicole and Ron?
Will O.J. commit suicide?
Do you think it was a bad idea to name my son Orenthal?
I can run faster than that; why can't the cops catch him?
Why can't they play this instead of basketball all the time?
Wasn't that solar eclipse dope on May 10th?
There is really nothing I can tell you, that you don't know about the Simpson trial and alleged murderings. Unless of course you are somehow reading this from the past. Which is just strange. How did you get the technology and scientific knowhow to read another internet blog before it was created? Also, with all of this power, why are you reading this stupid website? Anyway, while I have your attention, I warn you, do not watch Lost when it comes out in 2004 (spoiler alert: we don't all die at year 2000), it'll just make you upset when they destroy the show in the finale.
Back to Oh Jay, I may be one of the few people who was a fan. How could you hate anyone who was in the Naked Gun movies? You can't. Technically he was found innocent on the murder charges, so we can't call him a murderer. Not only that, but once he was found innocent, he never changed his story. Even when he wrote his book "If I Did It," he still claimed he did nothing. You have to respect someone who commits to the alleged lie. Sadly he was arrested and found guilty for robbery in 2007 and is serving thirty three years. A tragic end.
Which brings me to Joran Van Der Sloot. First of all Van Der Sloot sounds like an awesome Viking Metal band. Secondly, JVDS kind of looks like Bill Hader from SNL. Like The Juice, Mr. Der Sloot is suspected of murdering someone. This someone is Natalee Holloway, in Aruba, in 2005. Unlike The Big O, the small J did not learn his lesson. He murdered again. Never commit the crime you got away with again. That's just silly.
That's right reader, Joran killed a woman in Peru. He even admitted to it! At least he is becoming a more mature murderer, it's important to stand by your work. He is now trying to convince the authorities to let him go to back to Aruba to show the world where Natalee is. I guess the idea of spending the rest of his life in a Peruvian prison wasn't that appealing. Or maybe he thinks, he can use some connections and escape once he gets to Aruba. Which would be interesting, we haven't had a good manhunt since Bucky Phillips! Oh Bucky, you were the best BP.
We miss you Bucky,
Scott
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Even in death it sucks to be Gary Coleman
Dear Reader,
Well it been a busy couple of days in the world of celebrity deaths. Which, as you know, is one of my favorite things!
First I would like to talk about Bret Michaels. He didn't die. It was the worst case of celebrity death blue balls ever! First he was rushed to the hospital near the end of April for severe headaches. He was in critical condition, maybe he would slip into a coma. Then VH1 can launch a new dating show: Who Wants to Date a Vegetable with Bret Michaels. How awesome would that show be? VERY AWESOME is the answer. Just imagine a bunch of trashy skanks grinding and getting drunk over his body. They can all fight to change his catheter! I would watch that in a second. Then once he ate the big one VH1 can have Rock of Love marathons! This would be the best thing ever! Sadly none of the happened. He recovered and is doing fine, he even won Celebrity Apprentice. Side note he wore his bandanna in the hospital because he "Wanted to go out rocking." Bullshit! You are a douche who is afraid the world will know that you are a balding sad caricature of your former self.
So that was upsetting, but then May 28th came along and Gary Coleman finally had all of his dreams come true. He died, which he has wanted ever since Diff'rent Strokes got cancelled. One could say that Gary gave life the old Cleveland Try. Finally people would care about him again, the jokes would stop! Unfortunately, he didn't die of a stoke. It would be a different stroke indeed! It was really inconsiderate of him, now Avenue Q has to change their show around to get rid of the Gary Coleman character. Maybe they can use Emmanuel Lewis instead. Now people will spend a couple of days saying good things about him. Not is Dennis Hopper has anything to say about it.
That's right the next day Dennis Hopper goes quietly into the good night. Now a dead there was a dead person people actually cared about. Well there goes my hopes for a Waterworld sequel. Waterworld 2: The Return of the Deacon! At least we can look forward to a Speed, Super Mario Bros, and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 triple feature and your local drive in movie. Maybe when Gary and Dennis meet up int he sideways/purgatory world in Lost and Dennis can give Gary a quick kick to the junk as one last dig. Oh yea if you didn't see the finale of Lost, that's how it ends. Lots of junk punches. Mostly to the loyal fans. What a shitty way to end the show.
Glad I am not G. Coleman,
Scott
Well it been a busy couple of days in the world of celebrity deaths. Which, as you know, is one of my favorite things!
First I would like to talk about Bret Michaels. He didn't die. It was the worst case of celebrity death blue balls ever! First he was rushed to the hospital near the end of April for severe headaches. He was in critical condition, maybe he would slip into a coma. Then VH1 can launch a new dating show: Who Wants to Date a Vegetable with Bret Michaels. How awesome would that show be? VERY AWESOME is the answer. Just imagine a bunch of trashy skanks grinding and getting drunk over his body. They can all fight to change his catheter! I would watch that in a second. Then once he ate the big one VH1 can have Rock of Love marathons! This would be the best thing ever! Sadly none of the happened. He recovered and is doing fine, he even won Celebrity Apprentice. Side note he wore his bandanna in the hospital because he "Wanted to go out rocking." Bullshit! You are a douche who is afraid the world will know that you are a balding sad caricature of your former self.
So that was upsetting, but then May 28th came along and Gary Coleman finally had all of his dreams come true. He died, which he has wanted ever since Diff'rent Strokes got cancelled. One could say that Gary gave life the old Cleveland Try. Finally people would care about him again, the jokes would stop! Unfortunately, he didn't die of a stoke. It would be a different stroke indeed! It was really inconsiderate of him, now Avenue Q has to change their show around to get rid of the Gary Coleman character. Maybe they can use Emmanuel Lewis instead. Now people will spend a couple of days saying good things about him. Not is Dennis Hopper has anything to say about it.
That's right the next day Dennis Hopper goes quietly into the good night. Now a dead there was a dead person people actually cared about. Well there goes my hopes for a Waterworld sequel. Waterworld 2: The Return of the Deacon! At least we can look forward to a Speed, Super Mario Bros, and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 triple feature and your local drive in movie. Maybe when Gary and Dennis meet up int he sideways/purgatory world in Lost and Dennis can give Gary a quick kick to the junk as one last dig. Oh yea if you didn't see the finale of Lost, that's how it ends. Lots of junk punches. Mostly to the loyal fans. What a shitty way to end the show.
Glad I am not G. Coleman,
Scott
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
The most depressing song ever
Dear Reader,
To keep this blog's long tradition of posting variations of the song "We Are the World" I present you this:
EMBED-We Are Lebron Video - Watch more free videos
You should probably watch that again. I'll wait.
Cleveland is, hands down, the most miserable place in America. Only two good things (LeBreazy excluded) have ever come out of The Mistake by the Lake:
1. Drew Carey
2. Jokes about Cleveland
Despite his lackluster performance as the host of the Price is Right, Mr. Carey is a solid comedian/actor. The Drew Carey show was AMAZING! Aside form LeBron, Drew is easily the biggest thing to ever come out of the land of Cleve. It's weird that he isn't int he song, I guess they didn't want a big name. They gave it the old Cleveland Try. This will be a new phrase to refer to someone not giving it all they can, and just failing terribly. See also: The city of Cleveland.
When LeBron leaves you will get to hear the collective suicide of an entire city. It will be a pretty epic event. He is literally the only thing holding the place together. To give an example, let's take a look at Braylon Edwards. He used to be a wide receiver for the Cleveland Browns. He got in a fight with a friend of LeBron James, and roughly the next day he was traded to the Jets.
I love the "celebrities" they have in the video as well. Otto Orf, Cleveland Soccer Legend, does such a title actually exist?! Tim Misny, Intimidating TV Lawyer, that is awesome!
I really hope LeBrogame leaves Cleveland, I think it will be interesting to see what he can do with a real team. I also hope he doesn't go to the Knicks. I hate the Knicks, fuck them. They can be summed up by Erika Lauren, WMMS Personality/ MTV's Real World contestant, "New York is overcrowded, Those people are unbearable, And don't forget, the Knicks and Nets are terrible." Mostly true, Lauren. The Nets play in the greatest state of all, New Jersey, not New York. Otherwise dead on.
I hope the attempts to get LeBron to stay get more sad and desperate, because looking at Cleveland just makes you feel better about yourself.
Glad to not be there,
Scott
To keep this blog's long tradition of posting variations of the song "We Are the World" I present you this:
EMBED-We Are Lebron Video - Watch more free videos
You should probably watch that again. I'll wait.
Cleveland is, hands down, the most miserable place in America. Only two good things (LeBreazy excluded) have ever come out of The Mistake by the Lake:
1. Drew Carey
2. Jokes about Cleveland
Despite his lackluster performance as the host of the Price is Right, Mr. Carey is a solid comedian/actor. The Drew Carey show was AMAZING! Aside form LeBron, Drew is easily the biggest thing to ever come out of the land of Cleve. It's weird that he isn't int he song, I guess they didn't want a big name. They gave it the old Cleveland Try. This will be a new phrase to refer to someone not giving it all they can, and just failing terribly. See also: The city of Cleveland.
When LeBron leaves you will get to hear the collective suicide of an entire city. It will be a pretty epic event. He is literally the only thing holding the place together. To give an example, let's take a look at Braylon Edwards. He used to be a wide receiver for the Cleveland Browns. He got in a fight with a friend of LeBron James, and roughly the next day he was traded to the Jets.
I love the "celebrities" they have in the video as well. Otto Orf, Cleveland Soccer Legend, does such a title actually exist?! Tim Misny, Intimidating TV Lawyer, that is awesome!
I really hope LeBrogame leaves Cleveland, I think it will be interesting to see what he can do with a real team. I also hope he doesn't go to the Knicks. I hate the Knicks, fuck them. They can be summed up by Erika Lauren, WMMS Personality/ MTV's Real World contestant, "New York is overcrowded, Those people are unbearable, And don't forget, the Knicks and Nets are terrible." Mostly true, Lauren. The Nets play in the greatest state of all, New Jersey, not New York. Otherwise dead on.
I hope the attempts to get LeBron to stay get more sad and desperate, because looking at Cleveland just makes you feel better about yourself.
Glad to not be there,
Scott
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Welcome back
Dear Reader,
I'm sorry it took so long for me to write to you again. I will do my best to not have these delays in the future. Since it's been a while I will just shoot off a few small items of interest.
Step aside Double Bacon, we have a new football rapist! That's right New Jersey Giants' legend Lawrence Taylor allegedly raped a 16-year-old! Not only that but he paid her so that's a double whammy! This may put a damper on his young acting career. I have a feeling Joe Theismann set all this up. He finally got his revenge! SUCK ON IT LT!
A fired Port Authority lieutenant won his appeal! What was he fired for? Well, he was looking at porn at work, and he stole $4,400 from the company. He claimed that his actions were due to post-traumatic stress disorder, and the courts let him resign. Now he gets a fatty pension! How awesome is that?! It's good to know that if you ever get caught watching porn at work, everything will be OK!
Tim Tebow's jersey was the top selling NFL jersey in April. That is horse shit! (haha horse shit, and he plays for the Broncos) No one knows how he will do as a pro. He is a back up right now. And he is also an incredible douche! God doesn't love you Tim, that's why you lost the 2009 SEC Championship and cried like the smoten residents of Sodom and Gomorrah. I disagree with the Superbowl commercial Tim and his mom were in. If anything, he is a walking advertisement for abortion.
It's good to be back,
Scott
I'm sorry it took so long for me to write to you again. I will do my best to not have these delays in the future. Since it's been a while I will just shoot off a few small items of interest.
Step aside Double Bacon, we have a new football rapist! That's right New Jersey Giants' legend Lawrence Taylor allegedly raped a 16-year-old! Not only that but he paid her so that's a double whammy! This may put a damper on his young acting career. I have a feeling Joe Theismann set all this up. He finally got his revenge! SUCK ON IT LT!
A fired Port Authority lieutenant won his appeal! What was he fired for? Well, he was looking at porn at work, and he stole $4,400 from the company. He claimed that his actions were due to post-traumatic stress disorder, and the courts let him resign. Now he gets a fatty pension! How awesome is that?! It's good to know that if you ever get caught watching porn at work, everything will be OK!
Tim Tebow's jersey was the top selling NFL jersey in April. That is horse shit! (haha horse shit, and he plays for the Broncos) No one knows how he will do as a pro. He is a back up right now. And he is also an incredible douche! God doesn't love you Tim, that's why you lost the 2009 SEC Championship and cried like the smoten residents of Sodom and Gomorrah. I disagree with the Superbowl commercial Tim and his mom were in. If anything, he is a walking advertisement for abortion.
It's good to be back,
Scott
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