Dear Reader,
Sorry for the delay, I was trying to be charitable, but failed horribly. You see, I bought myself a box of OchocincOs and that's how it went down. Wide receiving sweetheart of the Cincinnati Bengals, Chad Ochocinco, has got himself his own cereal. PLB Sports put out the cereal. They are the company who put out Flutie Flakes and Big Ben Beef Jerky. Big Ben isn't a joke, but incredibly true! He would have his own line of beef jerky products. With every bag Benny Double Bacon, forcibly shoves beef jerky down your throat until you pass out. Back to the cereal. With every box bought, three American dollars gets donate to the Feed the Children charity. If you feel so inclined, you can also call the Feed the Children charity to donate more. Instead of getting the charity, when you call the number printed on the box, you get a phone sex line. So instead of helping needy children, you get the opportunity to let loose some knuckle children tot he voice of an anonymous female. So really, it's a toss up for which is better.
On to some more news!
I'm sure you've been to your local mall, and seen the mall security officers riding their Segway around (to scoot about and protect). These bad boys move and a blindingly fast twelve miles per hour. They move by you leaning forward. How do you go faster? Lean harder! With such amazing controls as that, its no wonder that they have been considered unsafe. Wearing a helmet is strongly suggested. Its like a lame motorcycle, maybe you could form some shitty gang of Segway owners. In 2009 a British guy named James Heselden bought the Segway company. Now I can segue into this (Get it? Segue! Segway! OK I'll stop this now.) James Heselden is dead.
Jimmy drove his Segway off a cliff.
I couldn't think of anything to follow the last line,
Scott
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Thursday, August 19, 2010
An Infrequent Update
Dear Reader,
Sorry I have been gone for just about a month. I probably should have posted something on here. I mean a lot has been going on:
Lebron James is taking names of all who have talk trash about him. Since I like being part of lists: Lebron James is a bitch, who is think way to highly of himself. Lebro-game, I hope South Beach enjoys your talents and you get hep c. Cleveland is so distraught over his leaving they have turned to gambling. That's right Cleveland will be your new casino destination. It'll be nice for the whole city to get together and bet against the Heat in the sports book. Then bookies can have the responsibility of breaking the knee caps of an entire city. Which would be a great job opportunity for those with knee breaking skills. Bring your talents to the mistake by the lake.
The CEO of HP resigned because he was taking Jodie Fisher out on dates on the company dime. That's right Jodie Fisher! The same woman who played Night Nurse #1 in Little Big League!
Brett Favre has unretired again. Grandpa Brett basically taught L. Bron how to destroy the hopes and dreams of a city. I don't care how fucking comfortable he looks in Wrangler jeans, I want Old Man Favre to die. However, I don't want him to die now, I want him to be injured in week one. Like a bad, but not crippling injury. I want him to be healthy enough to keep playing, because he is too much of a douche to sit out a game. This way he ends his career with his worst season. In other words I want the announcers to mention how much fun he is not having out there. Then when the season is over, I want him to mauled to death by a pack of wolves.
Also Heidi Montag's plastic surgeon died. It would seem that in the game of life turning a cute girl into something created from Jim Henson's Creature Shop, is punishable by death. He was driving down the P.C.H. on August 16th, then he decided to (instead of staying on the highway) drive off a fucking cliff. Well he didn't make the conscious effort to drive off the cliff, he was distracted. By what? you ask. He was taking a picture of his dog, and tweeting the aforementioned picture. "Border collie Jill surveying the view from atop the sand dune," were his last words. I bet Jill had a much better view about a minute later. Jill was fine by the way, not wearing a seat belt launched he rout of the car to safety (there's a lesson here somewhere), unlike Frank Ryan (oh yea, i forgot to mention his name), who was trapped in his death mobile. In my world, he tweets the picture after he crashes.
Paul Hogan is not aloud to leave Australia. That's right Crocodile Dundee is still alive! The man who taught us all what is and isn't a knife, was in Sydney for his mother's funeral, and the Australian government is prohibiting his leaving the country. Well he can leave when his debt is paid. He owes taxes on $37.5 million in unclaimed income. So if you want to help him out, send him some cash, I'm sure he will be happy that people remember him. Who would have thought that Yahoo Serious was a better citizen than the Crock Man? Me! I would! Yahoo Serious is awesome! Go watch Reckless Kelly and Young Einstein.
That's a pretty decent recap for now. Maybe i will update more than once a month from now on.
I've missed you,
Scott
Sorry I have been gone for just about a month. I probably should have posted something on here. I mean a lot has been going on:
Lebron James is taking names of all who have talk trash about him. Since I like being part of lists: Lebron James is a bitch, who is think way to highly of himself. Lebro-game, I hope South Beach enjoys your talents and you get hep c. Cleveland is so distraught over his leaving they have turned to gambling. That's right Cleveland will be your new casino destination. It'll be nice for the whole city to get together and bet against the Heat in the sports book. Then bookies can have the responsibility of breaking the knee caps of an entire city. Which would be a great job opportunity for those with knee breaking skills. Bring your talents to the mistake by the lake.
The CEO of HP resigned because he was taking Jodie Fisher out on dates on the company dime. That's right Jodie Fisher! The same woman who played Night Nurse #1 in Little Big League!
Brett Favre has unretired again. Grandpa Brett basically taught L. Bron how to destroy the hopes and dreams of a city. I don't care how fucking comfortable he looks in Wrangler jeans, I want Old Man Favre to die. However, I don't want him to die now, I want him to be injured in week one. Like a bad, but not crippling injury. I want him to be healthy enough to keep playing, because he is too much of a douche to sit out a game. This way he ends his career with his worst season. In other words I want the announcers to mention how much fun he is not having out there. Then when the season is over, I want him to mauled to death by a pack of wolves.
Also Heidi Montag's plastic surgeon died. It would seem that in the game of life turning a cute girl into something created from Jim Henson's Creature Shop, is punishable by death. He was driving down the P.C.H. on August 16th, then he decided to (instead of staying on the highway) drive off a fucking cliff. Well he didn't make the conscious effort to drive off the cliff, he was distracted. By what? you ask. He was taking a picture of his dog, and tweeting the aforementioned picture. "Border collie Jill surveying the view from atop the sand dune," were his last words. I bet Jill had a much better view about a minute later. Jill was fine by the way, not wearing a seat belt launched he rout of the car to safety (there's a lesson here somewhere), unlike Frank Ryan (oh yea, i forgot to mention his name), who was trapped in his death mobile. In my world, he tweets the picture after he crashes.
Paul Hogan is not aloud to leave Australia. That's right Crocodile Dundee is still alive! The man who taught us all what is and isn't a knife, was in Sydney for his mother's funeral, and the Australian government is prohibiting his leaving the country. Well he can leave when his debt is paid. He owes taxes on $37.5 million in unclaimed income. So if you want to help him out, send him some cash, I'm sure he will be happy that people remember him. Who would have thought that Yahoo Serious was a better citizen than the Crock Man? Me! I would! Yahoo Serious is awesome! Go watch Reckless Kelly and Young Einstein.
That's a pretty decent recap for now. Maybe i will update more than once a month from now on.
I've missed you,
Scott
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
The Lynwood California Jail blues
Dear Reader,
So the other day, America's sweetheart went to prison. That's right Miss Parent Trap herself, Lindsay Lohan, is in the slammer! If you keep getting caught with cocaine, drive drunk, spend frequent time in rehab, and drive with a suspended licensee, then this is bound to happen. Is anyone surprised? Well I thought she would be dead by now, so I guess that's shocking.
She is just another example of why you should never let your children act. Child stars frequently end up like this. It's science! Children need to be kids, acting in movies throws them in a world that they really cannot handle. There is way too much drugs, sex, and money for a kiddo to deal with. I mean why would you want to play with Cabbage Patch Kids when you can fuck hookers and do lines of blow? Hookers and blow always wins. Always. To solve this problem I suggest that we do without child actors all together. From now on all children will be played by midgets. Or normal folks with a boat load of CGI. Nah midgets are a better route. I mean children are usually the worst part of every movie ever. How many action movies are ruined because the kid lives? ALL OF THEM!
Back to Loheeze, her best role was Cady in Mean Girls. That movie was the cat's pajamas! Why do you keep letting your cat wear pajamas? That's just silly. Anyway, if you have yet to see Mean Girls do yourself a favor and watch it. I'll wait here. haha gap tooth, great flick! Good now that you have seen the best of Lindy Hop, you don't need to see anything else.
Shortly after MG Ms. Lohan decided to hang with Paris Hilton and Co. Real winners! She was out getting wasted and pounded and having the time of her life. Now I have no problem with that. Do what ever the shit you want, just don't get upset when people start showing pictures of your junk hanging out when you get in and out of cars.
The best moment of this era of the Loholic was her romp with Brandon Davis. He is famous for banging celebrity train wrecks (everyone needs a hobby). One night he was hanging out with P-Hilton and got a chance to wax poetic with TMZ. In his rant he said, "Lindsay Lohan is a firecrotch, she has freckles coming out of her vagina, and her clitoris is seven feet long." Holy shit! How do freckles come out of there?! Maybe she should be in a circus not in movies. Well not mainstream movies. I don't even think it's possible to shoot freckles out of your twat. Neither freckles nor the female reproductive system work like that.
Now back to where we started. Linzal is going to jail. One more quick tangent, if you don't mind. When you go to court to have a judge decide on how much freedom you will be getting in the near future, you want to look your best. You get your hair did, and you nails made all pretty. I know that's what I do. Well Lohoosky had "Fuck U" written on the nail of her middle finger. Nothing says, "Hey judge don't fuck my life up," like a big "Fuck U." If you think about it, writing "Fuck U" there is redundant. Isn't that why we have middle fingers? I guess it saves you valuable time and energy when you don't have to retract your other four fingers (not to mention you still have to extend the one that counts!).
Needless to say, Home Slice was sentenced to ninety days in the big house. Great news! Now we have some questions about her future:
-Will she join a gang? (Please Latin Kings!)
-Will she commit suicide?
-Will she suffer from death by shanking?
-Will she turn her life around?
-Will she convince a kind, wise inmate to meet her in Zihuatanejo upon their release?
SO MANY POSSIBILITIES!
There are reports that LiLo is getting some special treatment. She gets her own phone, a personal guard, a TV, Adderall, Ambien, and clean clothes. What an outrage! She should have to smuggle all that shit up her asshole like everyone else! How will she learn to better herself now? The system has failed us once again.
Someone send her a cake with a file in it,
Scott
So the other day, America's sweetheart went to prison. That's right Miss Parent Trap herself, Lindsay Lohan, is in the slammer! If you keep getting caught with cocaine, drive drunk, spend frequent time in rehab, and drive with a suspended licensee, then this is bound to happen. Is anyone surprised? Well I thought she would be dead by now, so I guess that's shocking.
She is just another example of why you should never let your children act. Child stars frequently end up like this. It's science! Children need to be kids, acting in movies throws them in a world that they really cannot handle. There is way too much drugs, sex, and money for a kiddo to deal with. I mean why would you want to play with Cabbage Patch Kids when you can fuck hookers and do lines of blow? Hookers and blow always wins. Always. To solve this problem I suggest that we do without child actors all together. From now on all children will be played by midgets. Or normal folks with a boat load of CGI. Nah midgets are a better route. I mean children are usually the worst part of every movie ever. How many action movies are ruined because the kid lives? ALL OF THEM!
Back to Loheeze, her best role was Cady in Mean Girls. That movie was the cat's pajamas! Why do you keep letting your cat wear pajamas? That's just silly. Anyway, if you have yet to see Mean Girls do yourself a favor and watch it. I'll wait here. haha gap tooth, great flick! Good now that you have seen the best of Lindy Hop, you don't need to see anything else.
Shortly after MG Ms. Lohan decided to hang with Paris Hilton and Co. Real winners! She was out getting wasted and pounded and having the time of her life. Now I have no problem with that. Do what ever the shit you want, just don't get upset when people start showing pictures of your junk hanging out when you get in and out of cars.
The best moment of this era of the Loholic was her romp with Brandon Davis. He is famous for banging celebrity train wrecks (everyone needs a hobby). One night he was hanging out with P-Hilton and got a chance to wax poetic with TMZ. In his rant he said, "Lindsay Lohan is a firecrotch, she has freckles coming out of her vagina, and her clitoris is seven feet long." Holy shit! How do freckles come out of there?! Maybe she should be in a circus not in movies. Well not mainstream movies. I don't even think it's possible to shoot freckles out of your twat. Neither freckles nor the female reproductive system work like that.
Now back to where we started. Linzal is going to jail. One more quick tangent, if you don't mind. When you go to court to have a judge decide on how much freedom you will be getting in the near future, you want to look your best. You get your hair did, and you nails made all pretty. I know that's what I do. Well Lohoosky had "Fuck U" written on the nail of her middle finger. Nothing says, "Hey judge don't fuck my life up," like a big "Fuck U." If you think about it, writing "Fuck U" there is redundant. Isn't that why we have middle fingers? I guess it saves you valuable time and energy when you don't have to retract your other four fingers (not to mention you still have to extend the one that counts!).
Needless to say, Home Slice was sentenced to ninety days in the big house. Great news! Now we have some questions about her future:
-Will she join a gang? (Please Latin Kings!)
-Will she commit suicide?
-Will she suffer from death by shanking?
-Will she turn her life around?
-Will she convince a kind, wise inmate to meet her in Zihuatanejo upon their release?
SO MANY POSSIBILITIES!
There are reports that LiLo is getting some special treatment. She gets her own phone, a personal guard, a TV, Adderall, Ambien, and clean clothes. What an outrage! She should have to smuggle all that shit up her asshole like everyone else! How will she learn to better herself now? The system has failed us once again.
Someone send her a cake with a file in it,
Scott
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
You're outta here!
Dear Reader,
A third one of these in a week?! Holy shit, it looks like I finally got ambitious. Don't get all excited yet, odds are this won't last long. Unfortunately for you a special someone died today. That's right George Steinbrenner ate the big eat today. If this is the first you've heard about this, then you really need to get your news from anywhere else.
That's right the owner of the Yankees is gone! Maybe now the Yankees will fall apart as well. Maybe Georgie can Chris Henry the Yankees, and they will lose tragically for the rest of the season! That is a world I want to live in. Then maybe this country can just give up its sad love affair with baseball. Then we can get a real sport in here, like curling. As you are well aware, I hate baseball. The Yankees are the worst part about this social abortion known as baseball.
I am also happy that an ancillary character, based on a real person, from Seinfeld is gone. You're next soup Nazi! Speaking of terrible things, Seinfeld was an awful show. I know everyone loves it, but it is one of the worst shows ever made. I know, I know, I should give it a chance. Well I have, I've had the displeasure of watching most of the series. It used to be on between Simpsons re-runs and I was too lazy to change the channel. The show isn't about nothing. It's abut four of the most unlikeable characters and their unlikable lives. When I see that show, I just want everyone to fail and/or die. An Odd Couple remake with Osama bin Laden and Adolf Hitler would have more sympathetic characters!
Steinny was a liar. Here is what he said after purchasing the Yankees in 1973, "We plan absentee ownership as far as running the Yankees is concerned." Really? You sure there? He was one of the most hands on owners ever. Like a more successful Al Davis (more on Al later!). Also he made all of the players to be clean-shaven and short hair. That is just a douche move. Let them grow beards and long hair. They play a game for a living, they aren't saving lives or doing anything important.
Well now that Steinbrenner is gone, maybe some other owners will follow his lead. Here is a short list of which owners should end it now.
1. Dan Gilbert (owner of the Cleveland Cavaliers) - He will probably just commit suicide, he has had a bad summer. He lost LeBron, and he's in Cleveland. He has nothing to live for. He just made the Browns, the best sports team in Cleveland.
2. Jerry Jones (owner of the Dallas Cowboys) - Just shut the fuck up Jerry. Stop trying to destroy football. He doesn't need the biggest stadium ever built. The salary cap and profit sharing are great things for the sport. Everyone hates the Yankees, and he is like a little 'brenner. Also why the shit what he on Entourage on Sunday? That was awful, just get drunk and bad mouth Bill Parcells again. Then die.
3. Al Davis (owner of the Oakland Raiders (told you I would get to him later (later is now by the way))) - Al Davis has done everything in his power to destroy the Raiders. It is really impressive, if you think about it. Just stop being an owner, gm, and play caller for your team. Also how could we forget the JaMarcus Russell experiment. To help explain the experiment. Imagine Al Davis is making the atomic bomb, and the Raiders are Hiroshima. Have you seen Mr. Davis recently? There are burn victims who are better looking! He is like a bizarre Dorian Gray painting. Whatever he does, to the Raiders, is represented on his face. I think if he looks into a mirror, if he has one, his reflection should do the trick in ending his tyranny.
At least one Yankee is gone,
Scott
A third one of these in a week?! Holy shit, it looks like I finally got ambitious. Don't get all excited yet, odds are this won't last long. Unfortunately for you a special someone died today. That's right George Steinbrenner ate the big eat today. If this is the first you've heard about this, then you really need to get your news from anywhere else.
That's right the owner of the Yankees is gone! Maybe now the Yankees will fall apart as well. Maybe Georgie can Chris Henry the Yankees, and they will lose tragically for the rest of the season! That is a world I want to live in. Then maybe this country can just give up its sad love affair with baseball. Then we can get a real sport in here, like curling. As you are well aware, I hate baseball. The Yankees are the worst part about this social abortion known as baseball.
I am also happy that an ancillary character, based on a real person, from Seinfeld is gone. You're next soup Nazi! Speaking of terrible things, Seinfeld was an awful show. I know everyone loves it, but it is one of the worst shows ever made. I know, I know, I should give it a chance. Well I have, I've had the displeasure of watching most of the series. It used to be on between Simpsons re-runs and I was too lazy to change the channel. The show isn't about nothing. It's abut four of the most unlikeable characters and their unlikable lives. When I see that show, I just want everyone to fail and/or die. An Odd Couple remake with Osama bin Laden and Adolf Hitler would have more sympathetic characters!
Steinny was a liar. Here is what he said after purchasing the Yankees in 1973, "We plan absentee ownership as far as running the Yankees is concerned." Really? You sure there? He was one of the most hands on owners ever. Like a more successful Al Davis (more on Al later!). Also he made all of the players to be clean-shaven and short hair. That is just a douche move. Let them grow beards and long hair. They play a game for a living, they aren't saving lives or doing anything important.
Well now that Steinbrenner is gone, maybe some other owners will follow his lead. Here is a short list of which owners should end it now.
1. Dan Gilbert (owner of the Cleveland Cavaliers) - He will probably just commit suicide, he has had a bad summer. He lost LeBron, and he's in Cleveland. He has nothing to live for. He just made the Browns, the best sports team in Cleveland.
2. Jerry Jones (owner of the Dallas Cowboys) - Just shut the fuck up Jerry. Stop trying to destroy football. He doesn't need the biggest stadium ever built. The salary cap and profit sharing are great things for the sport. Everyone hates the Yankees, and he is like a little 'brenner. Also why the shit what he on Entourage on Sunday? That was awful, just get drunk and bad mouth Bill Parcells again. Then die.
3. Al Davis (owner of the Oakland Raiders (told you I would get to him later (later is now by the way))) - Al Davis has done everything in his power to destroy the Raiders. It is really impressive, if you think about it. Just stop being an owner, gm, and play caller for your team. Also how could we forget the JaMarcus Russell experiment. To help explain the experiment. Imagine Al Davis is making the atomic bomb, and the Raiders are Hiroshima. Have you seen Mr. Davis recently? There are burn victims who are better looking! He is like a bizarre Dorian Gray painting. Whatever he does, to the Raiders, is represented on his face. I think if he looks into a mirror, if he has one, his reflection should do the trick in ending his tyranny.
At least one Yankee is gone,
Scott
Monday, July 12, 2010
Happy 12th of July!
Dear Reader,
As you know I was betrayed by some asshole, and I wasn't Internetting on the Fourth of July. So I was unable to update you on the greatest sporting event of the year, the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest. The NHDEC is he best way to celebrate the birth of our nation (for the international reader I mean my nation not yours)! It is the greatest thing on television, aside from Shark Week.
Holy shit Shark Week starts in less than a month! August 1st! GET EXCITED!
When did this magnificent event start? Why would I want to watch a bunch of fat guys eat? Who won? Stop asking questions! At least give me a chance to answer.
This annual sporting event started on July 4th, 1916 in Coney Island. Four immigrants wanted to see who can eat the most Nathan's Hot dogs to prove who was the most patriotic. As a side note, that is the only way I will now accept your love of this country. You can shove those little Post 911 American flag pins up your ass. If you are not gorging yourself on Nathan's dogs, fuck Hebrew National, this is America!
Where was I? Oh yes 1916. James Mullen won. What a hero! Even though you didn't ask, I will tell you how to get into the contest, you're welcome. The quickest way is if you are the defending champion, so work on that. I think you may need one of these other entry points. You could win a qualifying contest for the current season. If you fail to win a qualifier, you can be one of the two wild cards by having the highest average score without winning the qualifier. If you are still a disgrace and a failure you can get in by being invited by the IFOCE (International Federation of Competitive Eating). Oh you also have to be a member of the federation, so you have to do that first. GOOD LUCK!
Back to your questions! They are not all fat. Why would you assume that? In fact some of the best athletes are rather trim. You have to do a lot of exercise to be able to eat that much and live. To say they are not athletes is disrespectful, and you probably said that because your jealous. Also they aren't all guys! That's sexist, some chicks are professional gurgitators. Sonya "The Black Widow" Thomas and Juliet Lee are two women than come to mind. Both of these ladies are quite skinny, so that blows your initial assumptions right out of the water. Why do you keep your assumptions in the water anyway? That seems silly.
Now your last question. For the years of 2001 to 2006 Takeru Kobayashi was unbeatable. He was easily the greatest athlete of that era. He had a strangle hold on the contest. It was a dark time for America, him being Japanese and all. He was the best villain in sports, better than A-Rod, LeBron, and the Iceland Hockey Team in the Junior Goodwill Games in Mighty Ducks 2 combined! In 2007, all that changed. Joey Chestnut beat Kobayashi! Every year since it has always been down to Chestnut and Kobayashi with record breaking results. Every year Joey won in dramatic fashion! Every year before this year. Takeru did not participate this year. He was in contract negotiations with MLE (Major League Eating (I know! Another competitive eating organization!)), so he could not play along. Because of his absence in the contest Joey won with no problem. No record was broken. The contest was missing something. We need Kobayashi. We need a bad guy. I always root for him. I know very unpatriotic of me, but, as you know, I have a soft spot for antagonists. He is good for the sport, he makes every play better.
TK was in attendance at the event. he tried to get on stage after the event, but was arrested. The crowd chanted "Let him eat!" Not letting him participate in America's pastime is shameful. I hope this does not happen next year.
Shark Week can't happen soon enough,
Scott
As you know I was betrayed by some asshole, and I wasn't Internetting on the Fourth of July. So I was unable to update you on the greatest sporting event of the year, the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest. The NHDEC is he best way to celebrate the birth of our nation (for the international reader I mean my nation not yours)! It is the greatest thing on television, aside from Shark Week.
Holy shit Shark Week starts in less than a month! August 1st! GET EXCITED!
When did this magnificent event start? Why would I want to watch a bunch of fat guys eat? Who won? Stop asking questions! At least give me a chance to answer.
This annual sporting event started on July 4th, 1916 in Coney Island. Four immigrants wanted to see who can eat the most Nathan's Hot dogs to prove who was the most patriotic. As a side note, that is the only way I will now accept your love of this country. You can shove those little Post 911 American flag pins up your ass. If you are not gorging yourself on Nathan's dogs, fuck Hebrew National, this is America!
Where was I? Oh yes 1916. James Mullen won. What a hero! Even though you didn't ask, I will tell you how to get into the contest, you're welcome. The quickest way is if you are the defending champion, so work on that. I think you may need one of these other entry points. You could win a qualifying contest for the current season. If you fail to win a qualifier, you can be one of the two wild cards by having the highest average score without winning the qualifier. If you are still a disgrace and a failure you can get in by being invited by the IFOCE (International Federation of Competitive Eating). Oh you also have to be a member of the federation, so you have to do that first. GOOD LUCK!
Back to your questions! They are not all fat. Why would you assume that? In fact some of the best athletes are rather trim. You have to do a lot of exercise to be able to eat that much and live. To say they are not athletes is disrespectful, and you probably said that because your jealous. Also they aren't all guys! That's sexist, some chicks are professional gurgitators. Sonya "The Black Widow" Thomas and Juliet Lee are two women than come to mind. Both of these ladies are quite skinny, so that blows your initial assumptions right out of the water. Why do you keep your assumptions in the water anyway? That seems silly.
Now your last question. For the years of 2001 to 2006 Takeru Kobayashi was unbeatable. He was easily the greatest athlete of that era. He had a strangle hold on the contest. It was a dark time for America, him being Japanese and all. He was the best villain in sports, better than A-Rod, LeBron, and the Iceland Hockey Team in the Junior Goodwill Games in Mighty Ducks 2 combined! In 2007, all that changed. Joey Chestnut beat Kobayashi! Every year since it has always been down to Chestnut and Kobayashi with record breaking results. Every year Joey won in dramatic fashion! Every year before this year. Takeru did not participate this year. He was in contract negotiations with MLE (Major League Eating (I know! Another competitive eating organization!)), so he could not play along. Because of his absence in the contest Joey won with no problem. No record was broken. The contest was missing something. We need Kobayashi. We need a bad guy. I always root for him. I know very unpatriotic of me, but, as you know, I have a soft spot for antagonists. He is good for the sport, he makes every play better.
TK was in attendance at the event. he tried to get on stage after the event, but was arrested. The crowd chanted "Let him eat!" Not letting him participate in America's pastime is shameful. I hope this does not happen next year.
Shark Week can't happen soon enough,
Scott
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Well, that was inconvenient
Dear Reader,
Sorry for the lack of updates. I made a mistake when I listened to Prince. You see a couple days ago The Artist Formally Known as the Artist Formally Known as Prince made the announcement that the Internet is completely over! Since TAFKATAFKAP and I are close friends I knew of his views a few weeks ago. That's why I have been aloof in the last month. So it turns out, I was lied to. The Internet is alive and well, as you can tell if you are reading this (which you are). If you somehow are not reading this then you have no idea what I just typed here. So this is the last time I believe someone who was once a symbol.
So since I have been neglecting my loyal reader I will do my best to update you and some recent newsings.
Apparently, Al Gore cheated on his wife Tipper with a masseuse four years ago. First of all I am not a fan of either Ally or Tip as people, so I'm already upset that I am writing about them. I hate Al because he is a fucking hypocrite. He makes a huge stink about the environment, which is warranted, but he doesn't follow his own cause. I agree that we need cleaner fuel and we need to do some right by our world. However I do not respect someone who bases their life on this, but then buys carbon credits so he can waste all the energy he wants. What an asshole. Now on to that bitch Tipper, she is the shit head who spearheaded the campaign to censor music. She is responsible for the parental advisory stickers on everything. Let people listen to whatever the fuck they want, stay out of our lives. Now back to the massage!
In 2006 Al hired this 56 year-old masseuse for a rub down. According to her, he made her drink Grand Marnier, and pinned her down, and kissed her like the french. Also, like good old Monica Lewinsky, he let lose some future children on the front of her pants. Like any reasonable person she didn't wash the pants, that's something you save for a special occasion! Now, I think something happened. Do I think he sexually assaulted her? No.
In her report she said "get off me, you lummox!" No one has used that word int he past 40 years. Her story is clearly in shambles on that line alone. Really? Also, during that encounter, she called him a "crazed sex poodle." First of that sounds a lot like flirting. These terms "lummox" and "sex poodle", don't really seem like the appropriate things to say whilst being raped. I have never been raped by an ex-vice president, maybe that is protocol. I don't know, it just seems a bit tame to me. She made a statement that she wasn't seeking money for any of this, she isn't a "gold digger." Unless you count the $1 million she is getting from the National Enquirer for the story.
To sum up my feelings on this. It pisses me off. I was very happy not imagining a naked Al Gore running around wagging his tongue, sweating profusely, fondling a middle aged woman, all while jizzing everywhere. It was just not a visual I needed. Basically, fuck you masseuse for giving me, and my reader that image.
That made me feel gross,
Scott
Sorry for the lack of updates. I made a mistake when I listened to Prince. You see a couple days ago The Artist Formally Known as the Artist Formally Known as Prince made the announcement that the Internet is completely over! Since TAFKATAFKAP and I are close friends I knew of his views a few weeks ago. That's why I have been aloof in the last month. So it turns out, I was lied to. The Internet is alive and well, as you can tell if you are reading this (which you are). If you somehow are not reading this then you have no idea what I just typed here. So this is the last time I believe someone who was once a symbol.
So since I have been neglecting my loyal reader I will do my best to update you and some recent newsings.
Apparently, Al Gore cheated on his wife Tipper with a masseuse four years ago. First of all I am not a fan of either Ally or Tip as people, so I'm already upset that I am writing about them. I hate Al because he is a fucking hypocrite. He makes a huge stink about the environment, which is warranted, but he doesn't follow his own cause. I agree that we need cleaner fuel and we need to do some right by our world. However I do not respect someone who bases their life on this, but then buys carbon credits so he can waste all the energy he wants. What an asshole. Now on to that bitch Tipper, she is the shit head who spearheaded the campaign to censor music. She is responsible for the parental advisory stickers on everything. Let people listen to whatever the fuck they want, stay out of our lives. Now back to the massage!
In 2006 Al hired this 56 year-old masseuse for a rub down. According to her, he made her drink Grand Marnier, and pinned her down, and kissed her like the french. Also, like good old Monica Lewinsky, he let lose some future children on the front of her pants. Like any reasonable person she didn't wash the pants, that's something you save for a special occasion! Now, I think something happened. Do I think he sexually assaulted her? No.
In her report she said "get off me, you lummox!" No one has used that word int he past 40 years. Her story is clearly in shambles on that line alone. Really? Also, during that encounter, she called him a "crazed sex poodle." First of that sounds a lot like flirting. These terms "lummox" and "sex poodle", don't really seem like the appropriate things to say whilst being raped. I have never been raped by an ex-vice president, maybe that is protocol. I don't know, it just seems a bit tame to me. She made a statement that she wasn't seeking money for any of this, she isn't a "gold digger." Unless you count the $1 million she is getting from the National Enquirer for the story.
To sum up my feelings on this. It pisses me off. I was very happy not imagining a naked Al Gore running around wagging his tongue, sweating profusely, fondling a middle aged woman, all while jizzing everywhere. It was just not a visual I needed. Basically, fuck you masseuse for giving me, and my reader that image.
That made me feel gross,
Scott
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Remember the good old days?
Dear Reader,
Today is a very special day. Sixteen years ago today O.J. Simpson went on an exciting 35 mph car chase from the L.A.P.D. What a historic event! People were glued to their video boxes just to watch and marvel at the most riveting bit of visual stimulation in history. It was so exciting that NBC didn't even air Game 5 of the NBA Finals. People would rather watch a bunch of cars going 35 mph than watch basketball. No wonder NASCAR is so popular.
So many questions were running through America's collective mind:
Did O.J. really kill Nicole and Ron?
Will O.J. commit suicide?
Do you think it was a bad idea to name my son Orenthal?
I can run faster than that; why can't the cops catch him?
Why can't they play this instead of basketball all the time?
Wasn't that solar eclipse dope on May 10th?
There is really nothing I can tell you, that you don't know about the Simpson trial and alleged murderings. Unless of course you are somehow reading this from the past. Which is just strange. How did you get the technology and scientific knowhow to read another internet blog before it was created? Also, with all of this power, why are you reading this stupid website? Anyway, while I have your attention, I warn you, do not watch Lost when it comes out in 2004 (spoiler alert: we don't all die at year 2000), it'll just make you upset when they destroy the show in the finale.
Back to Oh Jay, I may be one of the few people who was a fan. How could you hate anyone who was in the Naked Gun movies? You can't. Technically he was found innocent on the murder charges, so we can't call him a murderer. Not only that, but once he was found innocent, he never changed his story. Even when he wrote his book "If I Did It," he still claimed he did nothing. You have to respect someone who commits to the alleged lie. Sadly he was arrested and found guilty for robbery in 2007 and is serving thirty three years. A tragic end.
Which brings me to Joran Van Der Sloot. First of all Van Der Sloot sounds like an awesome Viking Metal band. Secondly, JVDS kind of looks like Bill Hader from SNL. Like The Juice, Mr. Der Sloot is suspected of murdering someone. This someone is Natalee Holloway, in Aruba, in 2005. Unlike The Big O, the small J did not learn his lesson. He murdered again. Never commit the crime you got away with again. That's just silly.
That's right reader, Joran killed a woman in Peru. He even admitted to it! At least he is becoming a more mature murderer, it's important to stand by your work. He is now trying to convince the authorities to let him go to back to Aruba to show the world where Natalee is. I guess the idea of spending the rest of his life in a Peruvian prison wasn't that appealing. Or maybe he thinks, he can use some connections and escape once he gets to Aruba. Which would be interesting, we haven't had a good manhunt since Bucky Phillips! Oh Bucky, you were the best BP.
We miss you Bucky,
Scott
Today is a very special day. Sixteen years ago today O.J. Simpson went on an exciting 35 mph car chase from the L.A.P.D. What a historic event! People were glued to their video boxes just to watch and marvel at the most riveting bit of visual stimulation in history. It was so exciting that NBC didn't even air Game 5 of the NBA Finals. People would rather watch a bunch of cars going 35 mph than watch basketball. No wonder NASCAR is so popular.
So many questions were running through America's collective mind:
Did O.J. really kill Nicole and Ron?
Will O.J. commit suicide?
Do you think it was a bad idea to name my son Orenthal?
I can run faster than that; why can't the cops catch him?
Why can't they play this instead of basketball all the time?
Wasn't that solar eclipse dope on May 10th?
There is really nothing I can tell you, that you don't know about the Simpson trial and alleged murderings. Unless of course you are somehow reading this from the past. Which is just strange. How did you get the technology and scientific knowhow to read another internet blog before it was created? Also, with all of this power, why are you reading this stupid website? Anyway, while I have your attention, I warn you, do not watch Lost when it comes out in 2004 (spoiler alert: we don't all die at year 2000), it'll just make you upset when they destroy the show in the finale.
Back to Oh Jay, I may be one of the few people who was a fan. How could you hate anyone who was in the Naked Gun movies? You can't. Technically he was found innocent on the murder charges, so we can't call him a murderer. Not only that, but once he was found innocent, he never changed his story. Even when he wrote his book "If I Did It," he still claimed he did nothing. You have to respect someone who commits to the alleged lie. Sadly he was arrested and found guilty for robbery in 2007 and is serving thirty three years. A tragic end.
Which brings me to Joran Van Der Sloot. First of all Van Der Sloot sounds like an awesome Viking Metal band. Secondly, JVDS kind of looks like Bill Hader from SNL. Like The Juice, Mr. Der Sloot is suspected of murdering someone. This someone is Natalee Holloway, in Aruba, in 2005. Unlike The Big O, the small J did not learn his lesson. He murdered again. Never commit the crime you got away with again. That's just silly.
That's right reader, Joran killed a woman in Peru. He even admitted to it! At least he is becoming a more mature murderer, it's important to stand by your work. He is now trying to convince the authorities to let him go to back to Aruba to show the world where Natalee is. I guess the idea of spending the rest of his life in a Peruvian prison wasn't that appealing. Or maybe he thinks, he can use some connections and escape once he gets to Aruba. Which would be interesting, we haven't had a good manhunt since Bucky Phillips! Oh Bucky, you were the best BP.
We miss you Bucky,
Scott
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)