Dear Reader,
Did I say "Reader?" I meant "Muggle." I know you are all trying to cope with the end of the Harry Potter franchise. I've been so distraught, I haven't left my apartment in weeks. I find the best way to help me deal with such a loss, is to write an article about H. Potts (and have you tell your friends to read it). Or you could just throw rocks at Twilight fans.
Either one is fine with me,
Scott
Monday, August 1, 2011
Monday, July 25, 2011
Buffet Table: Dinosaurs
Dear Reader,
Monday is here again, that can only mean two things! 1.) You are at work, and you need something to occupy your time so you don't kill anyone. 2.) I post a new article on Buffet Table. Lucky for you the second thing, helps with the first thing. As you can tell by the clever title of this post, the article is about dinosaurs.
I fucking love dinosaurs,
Scott
Monday is here again, that can only mean two things! 1.) You are at work, and you need something to occupy your time so you don't kill anyone. 2.) I post a new article on Buffet Table. Lucky for you the second thing, helps with the first thing. As you can tell by the clever title of this post, the article is about dinosaurs.
I fucking love dinosaurs,
Scott
Thursday, July 21, 2011
How to have fun during the summer
Dear Reader,
Holy fucking shit, it is hot outside! I'm sure you've noticed this by now (If not, stay inside! Whatever you do, stay inside!). A weather expert (wexpert?) has been quoted, "It is hotter than the Devil's taint out there!" That expert may have been me. It is so skin bubbling hot, that my tears boil upon hitting the open air. If you are anything like me, you contemplate suicide (a permanent solution to every problem) every three seconds where you are open to the elements. My latest suicide fantasy involves committing seppuku. My reasoning is two fold: 1.) I think that the sudden lack of intestines, and the breeze entering my torso cavity, would have a nice cooling effect before i pass on. 2.) I deserve to die, with honor. Sometimes, you just can't find a sword, so here are some other things you can do to cope with the grueling heat (in typical Another Internet Blog fashion, these will be full of death and mayhem):
Play with some animals:
Like a leopard. In India, a leopard wandered into a village and freaked the shit out. Spots was overwhelmed by all the folks screaming "HOLY SHIT THERE'S A FUCKING LEOPARD HERE!" (again I am not good with foreign languages), and he started swiping people. This caused them to stab, throw rocks, and beat the aforementioned leopard, until some forest guards eventually shot it with a tranquilizer. In the end, 11 people were hurt, and one leopard died (due to the stabbing). On the bright side, the attack really brought the village together.
Go to the beach:
What's that in the sand? Oh rotting corpse. No big deal, probably some hooker who changed her price. Oh wait, hookers are rarely 30 feet long (not since that one time). This is probably a whale of some kind, but maybe its a shark of some kind. We can argue all night long about what it could be, but we can all agree that there is rotting sea monster porn somewhere on the Internet by now (the Internet is a dark and magical place like that).
Get your feet wet:
Like three folks did at Yosemite. As you could have guessed (because this I'm writing this) the three folks ate it hard, and died. These three (for lack of a better word) idiots, decided to ignore warning signs, go under a railing, and stand on a rock in the middle of the river leading to a 317 foot waterfall drop. This didn't end well. They fell in and went over the falls. They fell, hard. The three were described as "church role models." I'm unsure why they need the church qualifier there. Maybe church means that reading or common sense are not things one uses for church styled role modeling. My favorite part in all of this, is that Yosemite officials are not adding any more warnings or changing the railing. People like this were going to get picked off by nature at some point soon anyway, it wasn't the waterfalls' fault.
Go to a concert:
Like a nice Cheap Trick concert in Canada. During Cheap Trick's set during the Ottawa Bluesfest, wind got fucking serious. The stage went down faster than Michele Bachmann's husband in a room full of glory holes. This story was pretty uneventful, aside from making Cheap Trick relevant again (even if only for a moment). No one went all Great White, and got stampeded/burned to death. No one got straight up murdered, like Dimebag Darrell at that Pantera show (granted, that moment was very metal, its just a shame it didn't happen at a U2 concert (I mean how hard would it be to kill Dimebag at a U2 concert?)). It also wasn't a huge tragedy, that every Dave Matthews Band concert is.
You could always just go through with the suicide approach. I don't want to tell you how to live your death.
Scott
Holy fucking shit, it is hot outside! I'm sure you've noticed this by now (If not, stay inside! Whatever you do, stay inside!). A weather expert (wexpert?) has been quoted, "It is hotter than the Devil's taint out there!" That expert may have been me. It is so skin bubbling hot, that my tears boil upon hitting the open air. If you are anything like me, you contemplate suicide (a permanent solution to every problem) every three seconds where you are open to the elements. My latest suicide fantasy involves committing seppuku. My reasoning is two fold: 1.) I think that the sudden lack of intestines, and the breeze entering my torso cavity, would have a nice cooling effect before i pass on. 2.) I deserve to die, with honor. Sometimes, you just can't find a sword, so here are some other things you can do to cope with the grueling heat (in typical Another Internet Blog fashion, these will be full of death and mayhem):
Play with some animals:
Like a leopard. In India, a leopard wandered into a village and freaked the shit out. Spots was overwhelmed by all the folks screaming "HOLY SHIT THERE'S A FUCKING LEOPARD HERE!" (again I am not good with foreign languages), and he started swiping people. This caused them to stab, throw rocks, and beat the aforementioned leopard, until some forest guards eventually shot it with a tranquilizer. In the end, 11 people were hurt, and one leopard died (due to the stabbing). On the bright side, the attack really brought the village together.
Go to the beach:
What's that in the sand? Oh rotting corpse. No big deal, probably some hooker who changed her price. Oh wait, hookers are rarely 30 feet long (not since that one time). This is probably a whale of some kind, but maybe its a shark of some kind. We can argue all night long about what it could be, but we can all agree that there is rotting sea monster porn somewhere on the Internet by now (the Internet is a dark and magical place like that).
Get your feet wet:
Like three folks did at Yosemite. As you could have guessed (because this I'm writing this) the three folks ate it hard, and died. These three (for lack of a better word) idiots, decided to ignore warning signs, go under a railing, and stand on a rock in the middle of the river leading to a 317 foot waterfall drop. This didn't end well. They fell in and went over the falls. They fell, hard. The three were described as "church role models." I'm unsure why they need the church qualifier there. Maybe church means that reading or common sense are not things one uses for church styled role modeling. My favorite part in all of this, is that Yosemite officials are not adding any more warnings or changing the railing. People like this were going to get picked off by nature at some point soon anyway, it wasn't the waterfalls' fault.
Go to a concert:
Like a nice Cheap Trick concert in Canada. During Cheap Trick's set during the Ottawa Bluesfest, wind got fucking serious. The stage went down faster than Michele Bachmann's husband in a room full of glory holes. This story was pretty uneventful, aside from making Cheap Trick relevant again (even if only for a moment). No one went all Great White, and got stampeded/burned to death. No one got straight up murdered, like Dimebag Darrell at that Pantera show (granted, that moment was very metal, its just a shame it didn't happen at a U2 concert (I mean how hard would it be to kill Dimebag at a U2 concert?)). It also wasn't a huge tragedy, that every Dave Matthews Band concert is.
You could always just go through with the suicide approach. I don't want to tell you how to live your death.
Scott
Monday, July 18, 2011
Mondays just got awesome
Dear Reader,
Do you wish you could read more nonsense from me? Do you wish there was some other website I wrote for, that had other people also writing for it so you could avoid my articles? If you answered yes to one or more of those options, then today is your lucky day! Today is the launch of a new website called The Buffet Table (fun fact: if you look up the similar url website of thebuffet.tumblr.com, you get a website chock full of wang).
The Buffet Table will be updated every Monday, Wednesday, & Friday. I will be posting something on there every Monday. My first post is all about rocking your fucking face off.
Maybe this will make me update here more,
Scott
Do you wish you could read more nonsense from me? Do you wish there was some other website I wrote for, that had other people also writing for it so you could avoid my articles? If you answered yes to one or more of those options, then today is your lucky day! Today is the launch of a new website called The Buffet Table (fun fact: if you look up the similar url website of thebuffet.tumblr.com, you get a website chock full of wang).
The Buffet Table will be updated every Monday, Wednesday, & Friday. I will be posting something on there every Monday. My first post is all about rocking your fucking face off.
Maybe this will make me update here more,
Scott
Friday, July 8, 2011
Casey Anthony vs. OJ Simpson
Dear Reader,
As I'm sure you heard, there's a new OJ in town. As you know, I am a HUGE The Juice fan. And Casey Anthony is no Mr. Simpson. You are aware of Casey Anthony right (if not, then congratulations on just being born? I am honored that you have chosen my site to visit at such a young age. (Where are your parents? Shouldn't they be watching you? (They are just like Casey Anthony. (Oh right, you don't know who she is. Read on.))))? Good, then I don't need to go into great detail.
But Scott, they are the same, OJ & CA, they got away with murder! First of all, don't yell at me. Second of all, let me explain:
Difference 1: Evidence. There was so much more evidence against my boy. Only through his cunning was he able to avoid the slammer. There wasn't a lot of evidence against Cassy Anthy. There was no DNA. All the prosecution had was that she probably killed her daughter. I probably did a lot of things, doesn't mean I did them. But she went out partying when her daughter was missing/dead! Again with the yelling. Just because she went on a month long bender, entered a hot body contest (did we ever find out if she won?), and got "Bella Vita" (I think it's Italian for "Beautiful Life" or "I Totes Just Killed My Daughter," I don't know. I'm bad at foreign languages) tattooed on her shoulder, right after her daughter was no longer with us, that doesn't make her a murderer. It is not normal behavior, but we all cope with loss differently. I yell obscenities to the clergy, when I'm feeling down ("Hey fuck you Archbishop Glenn!"). In cases like this you need to prove guilt, not innocence. The prosecution did a much better job against Orenthal.
Difference 2: She's a chick. Duh OJ was totally a dude.
Difference 3: Difficulty. OJ "didn't" kill two adult people. That is hard work, even if you are an amazing athlete and actor. Case Dogg "didn't" kill a small child. That is super easy. Children today are really easy to kill (they don't even have good knife technique).
Difference 4: The future. OJ's future is fucked. He got locked up for bullshit charges in Las Vegas, when he was trying to get his own stuff back. He has to pay all the money he makes to the families of those he "didn't" kill. He wasn't even aloud to release his book about if he hypothetically killed Nicole and Ron. Casey's future is much different (and a lot brighter). She has already been offered a porn contract (say what you will about her actions, she is still attractive), she will get book deals (I hope a parenting book!), and who knows what else. And guys, she's single. I'm sure a bunch of guys will want to tap that. She's crazy, loves to party, and if you knock her up, you know she will take care of the kid. Not OJ, poor poor OJ, he is stuck in jail until 2017 (the earliest!). He'll be 70 then.
Difference 5: A different future. OJ is "not" killing anyone again anytime soon. Casey, however, has time. She could have another kid. That kid could disappear. Maybe then, she will get the justice, that everyone longs for.
So, you see, Cassy Tony is nothing like Detective Nordberg. She may be able to play for the BIlls (they need help), but that would be the extent of their similarities. I guess, now that the trial is over, America has to focus on ourselves. We hate doing that.
On a sad note, the last NASA space shuttle launched today. It is sad that NASA won't be sending heroes into space anymore. Going to space is never routine.
Yes, I care more about going to space than Caylee Anthony,
Scott
As I'm sure you heard, there's a new OJ in town. As you know, I am a HUGE The Juice fan. And Casey Anthony is no Mr. Simpson. You are aware of Casey Anthony right (if not, then congratulations on just being born? I am honored that you have chosen my site to visit at such a young age. (Where are your parents? Shouldn't they be watching you? (They are just like Casey Anthony. (Oh right, you don't know who she is. Read on.))))? Good, then I don't need to go into great detail.
But Scott, they are the same, OJ & CA, they got away with murder! First of all, don't yell at me. Second of all, let me explain:
Difference 1: Evidence. There was so much more evidence against my boy. Only through his cunning was he able to avoid the slammer. There wasn't a lot of evidence against Cassy Anthy. There was no DNA. All the prosecution had was that she probably killed her daughter. I probably did a lot of things, doesn't mean I did them. But she went out partying when her daughter was missing/dead! Again with the yelling. Just because she went on a month long bender, entered a hot body contest (did we ever find out if she won?), and got "Bella Vita" (I think it's Italian for "Beautiful Life" or "I Totes Just Killed My Daughter," I don't know. I'm bad at foreign languages) tattooed on her shoulder, right after her daughter was no longer with us, that doesn't make her a murderer. It is not normal behavior, but we all cope with loss differently. I yell obscenities to the clergy, when I'm feeling down ("Hey fuck you Archbishop Glenn!"). In cases like this you need to prove guilt, not innocence. The prosecution did a much better job against Orenthal.
Difference 2: She's a chick. Duh OJ was totally a dude.
Difference 3: Difficulty. OJ "didn't" kill two adult people. That is hard work, even if you are an amazing athlete and actor. Case Dogg "didn't" kill a small child. That is super easy. Children today are really easy to kill (they don't even have good knife technique).
Difference 4: The future. OJ's future is fucked. He got locked up for bullshit charges in Las Vegas, when he was trying to get his own stuff back. He has to pay all the money he makes to the families of those he "didn't" kill. He wasn't even aloud to release his book about if he hypothetically killed Nicole and Ron. Casey's future is much different (and a lot brighter). She has already been offered a porn contract (say what you will about her actions, she is still attractive), she will get book deals (I hope a parenting book!), and who knows what else. And guys, she's single. I'm sure a bunch of guys will want to tap that. She's crazy, loves to party, and if you knock her up, you know she will take care of the kid. Not OJ, poor poor OJ, he is stuck in jail until 2017 (the earliest!). He'll be 70 then.
Difference 5: A different future. OJ is "not" killing anyone again anytime soon. Casey, however, has time. She could have another kid. That kid could disappear. Maybe then, she will get the justice, that everyone longs for.
So, you see, Cassy Tony is nothing like Detective Nordberg. She may be able to play for the BIlls (they need help), but that would be the extent of their similarities. I guess, now that the trial is over, America has to focus on ourselves. We hate doing that.
On a sad note, the last NASA space shuttle launched today. It is sad that NASA won't be sending heroes into space anymore. Going to space is never routine.
Yes, I care more about going to space than Caylee Anthony,
Scott
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
What is this place?
Dear Reader,
Oh hi, friend. I won't even apologize for my lack of updates. I do this so often that saying "I'm sorry" would be worthless. At least it was a quiet couple months since I last put finger to keyboard. Let's take a look at the ol' Interwebs to double check and make sure I missed nothing important. Oh fuck...
In March a giant tentacle rape monster attacked Japan. The attack was reported as an earthquake and a tsunami. Anyone who has typed Japan into the Internet knows that their major contributions are Pokemon and horrific porn. It was only a matter of time before one of their creations leaked into the real world. The rape monster was much like Falcor at the end of the Never Ending Story (that doesn't even make sense) movie. Being ridden by a child hell bent on revenge on a world that wronged him (who names a kid Bastian anyway?). The rape monster attacked the Fukushima nuclear plant in an attempt to create more creatures like itself. Since this happened to non-white people in a land far, far away, we only cared until April something.
Towards the end of April a couple of British folks got married and for some reason we all gave a shit. I think that reason was because the world could finally see what true love is all about and/or we thought it was the conclusion to the Harry Potter movies. Will Harry defeat He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named? Can Ron seal the deal with Hermione? Will they show Dobby dying again (fuck that elf (please don't fuck that elf, it won't end well))? Will they explain why Harry and Hermione said "Merry Christmas to each other in the last film (they are English! It's Happy Christmas there! Everyone knows that!)? It turns out that it was not the thrilling conclusion to the great story ever told. The two just got hitched and played a quick game of Quidditch (I think Puddlemere United won).
Next a team of six Disney cartoon seals killed a crazy old man who had failing kidneys. In case you couldn't figure it out I meant Osama bin Laden. OBL was hiding out in the most frightening place known to man, the suburbs. That's right, he was in Bud Abbottabad (right next to Lou Costellistan) the whole time. Fun fact about Abbottabad: Wikipedia only mentions bin Laden once (you'd think he would be in there for more than a brief sentence). The world has never been so happy to see someone die.
Speaking of dead things, Nate Dogg and "Macho Man" Randy Savage also died. This got me thinking (probably not the best thing), we should kill off celebrities more often. It's much to often the case that our beloved childhood stars die off way past their prime. I think we should borrow a term from bowling, the turkey. Three strikes is a turkey, in bowling. Each bad movie/album/book/sex tape, will be a strike. When a celebrity makes three strikes they will be a turkey, and be killed like a real turkey on Thanksgiving (it really would have been easier if I just went with a baseball reference, but it's not like there is a button to just make what I wrote go away). Anyway, I would much rather remember Pacino and De Niro as great actors instead of the parodies of themselves that they have become. It is a crime that Leslie Nielsen will be remembered as the old guy in the Scary Movie movies (sorry for the redundancy). Not all famous people are as kind as Heath Ledger.
I'm sure you heard of the most recent scandal in Congress. I am of course referring to Anthony Weiner sending pictures of his namesake to some ladies. The media has taken this story as an excuse to cram as many cock puns, that they can pull out of their ass, down our throats. Now I love a good pun as much as the next guy (that guy fucking loves puns), but these junk puns got old, quickly. Furthermore, why did Mr. Weiner have to take advice from a Taio Cruz and Ke$ha?
Then, Congressman Darrell Issa is trying to get to the bottom of a sticky situation (not that kind of sticky, perv). It would seem that the Phoenix ATF gave a bunch of guns to gun traffickers so they could trace where the guns went. If you think this is a stupid idea, then you clearly don't work for the government. As you can guess, they lost track of the guns, and the guns were used to kill people. Issa is trying to find out who had this great idea. I'm sure all of that is noteworthy somehow, the part that piqued my interest as the name of this operation: Fast and Furious. Really? We are naming ATF operations after Vin Diesel movies? It's the fourth in the Fast and Furious franchise! Was operation 2 Fast 2 Furious a bit too on the nose?
Finally, Lebronny Bron Bron James and the Miami Wades (poor forgettable Bosh) lost to Mark Cuban and the Nowitzki Express, in basketball. James held a big televised event to explain what happened. It was called The Explanation. It was an hour and fifty eight minutes of bullshit until the end where he said, "I only take my talents to the end of the third quarter." Cleveland, is still a horrible place to be.
Maybe I missed a thing or two,
Scott
Oh hi, friend. I won't even apologize for my lack of updates. I do this so often that saying "I'm sorry" would be worthless. At least it was a quiet couple months since I last put finger to keyboard. Let's take a look at the ol' Interwebs to double check and make sure I missed nothing important. Oh fuck...
In March a giant tentacle rape monster attacked Japan. The attack was reported as an earthquake and a tsunami. Anyone who has typed Japan into the Internet knows that their major contributions are Pokemon and horrific porn. It was only a matter of time before one of their creations leaked into the real world. The rape monster was much like Falcor at the end of the Never Ending Story (that doesn't even make sense) movie. Being ridden by a child hell bent on revenge on a world that wronged him (who names a kid Bastian anyway?). The rape monster attacked the Fukushima nuclear plant in an attempt to create more creatures like itself. Since this happened to non-white people in a land far, far away, we only cared until April something.
Towards the end of April a couple of British folks got married and for some reason we all gave a shit. I think that reason was because the world could finally see what true love is all about and/or we thought it was the conclusion to the Harry Potter movies. Will Harry defeat He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named? Can Ron seal the deal with Hermione? Will they show Dobby dying again (fuck that elf (please don't fuck that elf, it won't end well))? Will they explain why Harry and Hermione said "Merry Christmas to each other in the last film (they are English! It's Happy Christmas there! Everyone knows that!)? It turns out that it was not the thrilling conclusion to the great story ever told. The two just got hitched and played a quick game of Quidditch (I think Puddlemere United won).
Next a team of six Disney cartoon seals killed a crazy old man who had failing kidneys. In case you couldn't figure it out I meant Osama bin Laden. OBL was hiding out in the most frightening place known to man, the suburbs. That's right, he was in Bud Abbottabad (right next to Lou Costellistan) the whole time. Fun fact about Abbottabad: Wikipedia only mentions bin Laden once (you'd think he would be in there for more than a brief sentence). The world has never been so happy to see someone die.
Speaking of dead things, Nate Dogg and "Macho Man" Randy Savage also died. This got me thinking (probably not the best thing), we should kill off celebrities more often. It's much to often the case that our beloved childhood stars die off way past their prime. I think we should borrow a term from bowling, the turkey. Three strikes is a turkey, in bowling. Each bad movie/album/book/sex tape, will be a strike. When a celebrity makes three strikes they will be a turkey, and be killed like a real turkey on Thanksgiving (it really would have been easier if I just went with a baseball reference, but it's not like there is a button to just make what I wrote go away). Anyway, I would much rather remember Pacino and De Niro as great actors instead of the parodies of themselves that they have become. It is a crime that Leslie Nielsen will be remembered as the old guy in the Scary Movie movies (sorry for the redundancy). Not all famous people are as kind as Heath Ledger.
I'm sure you heard of the most recent scandal in Congress. I am of course referring to Anthony Weiner sending pictures of his namesake to some ladies. The media has taken this story as an excuse to cram as many cock puns, that they can pull out of their ass, down our throats. Now I love a good pun as much as the next guy (that guy fucking loves puns), but these junk puns got old, quickly. Furthermore, why did Mr. Weiner have to take advice from a Taio Cruz and Ke$ha?
Then, Congressman Darrell Issa is trying to get to the bottom of a sticky situation (not that kind of sticky, perv). It would seem that the Phoenix ATF gave a bunch of guns to gun traffickers so they could trace where the guns went. If you think this is a stupid idea, then you clearly don't work for the government. As you can guess, they lost track of the guns, and the guns were used to kill people. Issa is trying to find out who had this great idea. I'm sure all of that is noteworthy somehow, the part that piqued my interest as the name of this operation: Fast and Furious. Really? We are naming ATF operations after Vin Diesel movies? It's the fourth in the Fast and Furious franchise! Was operation 2 Fast 2 Furious a bit too on the nose?
Finally, Lebronny Bron Bron James and the Miami Wades (poor forgettable Bosh) lost to Mark Cuban and the Nowitzki Express, in basketball. James held a big televised event to explain what happened. It was called The Explanation. It was an hour and fifty eight minutes of bullshit until the end where he said, "I only take my talents to the end of the third quarter." Cleveland, is still a horrible place to be.
Maybe I missed a thing or two,
Scott
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Birds are assholes
Dear Reader,
I think I speak for everyone when I say, "Birds are a waste of time and energy." They really bring nothing to the table. Well, unless they are the meal, but then they are being brought to the table (which is completely different). Our avian enemies are only useful when they are dead (like people from Seattle (I'm talking about you Kurt Cobain)).
First of all, I don't trust things with no hands. Things with no hands do way too much with their face. "But Scott, other animals like fish, snakes, spiders, and bugs don't have hands either!" Who said that? It doesn't matter, I will address each of these animals now. Fish are no worry, worst case scenario, you get eaten by a shark (awesome way to die!), which, if you can read in parenthesis, is an awesome way to die. Also, you can avoid fish mishaps (fishaps?) by getting out of the water. Snakes are also fine, sure they may poison your face off, but Harry Potter can talk to them. Spiders and bugs, are fucking terrible! Didn't you read the last one of these I wrote? Also you can just step on those fuckers.
Secondly, they ruined the dinosaurs. The best animals to ever exist were the dinosaurs. Go watch Jurassic Park. How awesome was that? Very is the answer. The dinosaurs are extinct now (whenever I think of this, I pour out a 40), they (d)evolved into the modern bird. Birds destroyed they greatest animals ever, they cannot be forgiven.
Third, Alfred Hitchcock used them to scare people. In the movie Birds, birds terrorized everyone and everything (like birds are wont to do). As I am well aware, every movie Alfie directed is based on truth (every morning a transvestite tried to stab me to death while I shower (It is getting old, Maurice!)).
Those are fine (great even) reasons to hate birds, but they are a bit too general. I also hate the winged demons because they hate me.
When I was four years old, I was chased by an albino peacock in an aviary. This is why I hate white people, and can't watch NBC without screaming in terror.
I've been shit on by a bird. Again, I was in an aviary (why do I keep finding myself in these places?), and I was trying to feed a bird. I was willing to put my animosity aside and be the bigger man. The bird tipped the food over, and shat on me. Anything that shits on you, is not your friend. I include newborns in that too.
I've lived in the New York City area for almost five years, and on two occasions a pigeon has flown into my head. What the fucking fuck?! This segues nicely into the most sinister reason to hate these douche bags.
Angry Birds. I am sure you have played this game, or have lost friends because they do nothing but play this game. The antisocial nature of this game is not as bad as the fact that Angry Birds supports terrorism.
The "protagonists" of this game fly into buildings trying to kill pigs. They FLY INTO BUILDINGS! Who else did that? I may be mistaken, but I am pretty sure it was the terrorists. Remember 9/11? Clearly you don't (the flag pins are not working!). Not only that, but your birds die when they hit the building. You are playing a game, where you are suicide bombers. Giuliani would be so pissed at you.
"But I'm only attacking the pigs, because they stole my eggs! MY EGGS!" Really, who keeps interrupting? Oh boo hoo they stole your eggs, you sound like those terrorists, and highjackers who attack people to have their terrorist buddies released from prison. You also sound like terrorists who hate Israel for taking the eggs (land) from the Muslims. So now you are not just playing a suicide bomber in a game, you are sympathizing with them. This is how they recruit.
Before you go interrupting again, let's just address the fact that you are attacking fat green pigs, instead of people. It's only a minor leap from fat pigs to fat cats (bankers (the Jews)). That last one may be a bit of a stretch, but that does not excuse the fact that birds are evil.
By now, I am fairly confident that you agree with me on this whole bird thing. Need I remind you how they tried to kill Captain Sully? I didn't think so. Oh wait, I just thought of another one. Nazis marched in the style of the goose step. Goose is a type of bird. Therefore all birds are Nazis.
Where was I? "Something positive about birds I think." Oh yea, they are great fo- hey I saw what you did there. What I propose is that we enslave the birds. We can't just kill them all off (remember they are only good for the eating). Wait now I'm sounding like a Nazi. Maybe, I'm no better than they are. Maybe, I'm just blowing this all out of proportion. Oh wait, I was just playing Oregon Trail and an eagle took my child away. Kill 'em.
Why don't I have a show on Animal Planet?
Scott
I think I speak for everyone when I say, "Birds are a waste of time and energy." They really bring nothing to the table. Well, unless they are the meal, but then they are being brought to the table (which is completely different). Our avian enemies are only useful when they are dead (like people from Seattle (I'm talking about you Kurt Cobain)).
First of all, I don't trust things with no hands. Things with no hands do way too much with their face. "But Scott, other animals like fish, snakes, spiders, and bugs don't have hands either!" Who said that? It doesn't matter, I will address each of these animals now. Fish are no worry, worst case scenario, you get eaten by a shark (awesome way to die!), which, if you can read in parenthesis, is an awesome way to die. Also, you can avoid fish mishaps (fishaps?) by getting out of the water. Snakes are also fine, sure they may poison your face off, but Harry Potter can talk to them. Spiders and bugs, are fucking terrible! Didn't you read the last one of these I wrote? Also you can just step on those fuckers.
Secondly, they ruined the dinosaurs. The best animals to ever exist were the dinosaurs. Go watch Jurassic Park. How awesome was that? Very is the answer. The dinosaurs are extinct now (whenever I think of this, I pour out a 40), they (d)evolved into the modern bird. Birds destroyed they greatest animals ever, they cannot be forgiven.
Third, Alfred Hitchcock used them to scare people. In the movie Birds, birds terrorized everyone and everything (like birds are wont to do). As I am well aware, every movie Alfie directed is based on truth (every morning a transvestite tried to stab me to death while I shower (It is getting old, Maurice!)).
Those are fine (great even) reasons to hate birds, but they are a bit too general. I also hate the winged demons because they hate me.
When I was four years old, I was chased by an albino peacock in an aviary. This is why I hate white people, and can't watch NBC without screaming in terror.
I've been shit on by a bird. Again, I was in an aviary (why do I keep finding myself in these places?), and I was trying to feed a bird. I was willing to put my animosity aside and be the bigger man. The bird tipped the food over, and shat on me. Anything that shits on you, is not your friend. I include newborns in that too.
I've lived in the New York City area for almost five years, and on two occasions a pigeon has flown into my head. What the fucking fuck?! This segues nicely into the most sinister reason to hate these douche bags.
Angry Birds. I am sure you have played this game, or have lost friends because they do nothing but play this game. The antisocial nature of this game is not as bad as the fact that Angry Birds supports terrorism.
The "protagonists" of this game fly into buildings trying to kill pigs. They FLY INTO BUILDINGS! Who else did that? I may be mistaken, but I am pretty sure it was the terrorists. Remember 9/11? Clearly you don't (the flag pins are not working!). Not only that, but your birds die when they hit the building. You are playing a game, where you are suicide bombers. Giuliani would be so pissed at you.
"But I'm only attacking the pigs, because they stole my eggs! MY EGGS!" Really, who keeps interrupting? Oh boo hoo they stole your eggs, you sound like those terrorists, and highjackers who attack people to have their terrorist buddies released from prison. You also sound like terrorists who hate Israel for taking the eggs (land) from the Muslims. So now you are not just playing a suicide bomber in a game, you are sympathizing with them. This is how they recruit.
Before you go interrupting again, let's just address the fact that you are attacking fat green pigs, instead of people. It's only a minor leap from fat pigs to fat cats (bankers (the Jews)). That last one may be a bit of a stretch, but that does not excuse the fact that birds are evil.
By now, I am fairly confident that you agree with me on this whole bird thing. Need I remind you how they tried to kill Captain Sully? I didn't think so. Oh wait, I just thought of another one. Nazis marched in the style of the goose step. Goose is a type of bird. Therefore all birds are Nazis.
Where was I? "Something positive about birds I think." Oh yea, they are great fo- hey I saw what you did there. What I propose is that we enslave the birds. We can't just kill them all off (remember they are only good for the eating). Wait now I'm sounding like a Nazi. Maybe, I'm no better than they are. Maybe, I'm just blowing this all out of proportion. Oh wait, I was just playing Oregon Trail and an eagle took my child away. Kill 'em.
Why don't I have a show on Animal Planet?
Scott
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