Buffet Table: A Triumphant Return

Dear Reader,

I know, right! I am back! I'm sorry. Here is my first written work in a few months. I plan on continuing to write more, but we all know how good I am at that (not very good).

So long... for now,
Scott

Buffet Table: Airports

Dear Reader,

In this week's Buffet Table I go on another adventure. This time to an airport. Friends are made. Friends are lost. I throw up. Also some people die. It's really a pretty standard story for me.

Safe travels,
Scott

Buffet Table: Halloween

Dear Reader,

As you know, Halloween is right around the corner. In this week's Buffet Table I brainstorm up some costume ideas. What will I choose? Do you even care?

Happy Hallwoeen,
Scott

P.S. The answers to the questions above: Read and find out, No

Buffet Table: Comic Con

Dear Reader,

Last weekend was the New York Comic Con. Also last weekend, I was sent on assignment to report on the Comic Con. You can read all about my misadventures on this week's Buffet Table column.

Fun times were had by some,
Scott

Buffet Table: Career Day

Dear Reader,

Ever wonder what your dream job is? I look back at various occupations I once dreamt of having, in this week's Buffet Table.

Never give up on your goals,
Scott

Buffet Table: Hunger Games

Dear Reader,

I recently read the book, The Hunger Games. It's about children killing each other. And, that's all you should need to know to get you to read it. In this week's edition of the Buffet Table, I show that I am not capable of writing a book review.

Who says the written word is dead?
Scott

Buffet Table: Random Thoughts

Dear Reader,

I share some knowledge on The Buffet Table. I hope you learn something.

Love always,
Scott

So, how about them Scarlett Johansson nude photos?

Dear Reader,

Since you are clearly on the Internet (either that, or you had a friend print this out), then I assume you have sen the recently leaked pictures of Scarlett Johansson naked. If you haven't, then you are clearly doing the Internet wrong. I'm not here to show you the nude pictures, I'm here to discuss the controversy in a mature manner. OK here are the pictures. That link was not safe for work, I probably should have said that.

What happened was that Scar Jo's phone was allegedly hacked by a hacking group of hackers. It is rumored that this group has raunchy photos of fifty celebrities. Some of the lucky ladies involved in this are “Selena Gomez, Demi Lovato, Christina Aguilera, Vanessa Hudgens, Scarlett Johansson, Ali Larter, Busy Philipps, Miley Cyrus, Emma Caulfield, Addison Timlin and Renee Olstead.” (source) I don't know who half of those bitches are. I think one of them is also Hannah Montana, but no one has seen her since Miley Cyrus has become so popular.

A couple of things here. Red (I'm bad with colors) JoHan shouldn't be surprised about the fact that these pictures were leaked. Our favorite part about celebrities is seeing them naked. It is a third of the reasons why I go to the movies (the other two are graphic violence and Michael Keaton). We love naked famous people. We have an entire industry of assholes, who take pictures of rich chicks getting out of cars in the hopes of them flashing their snatch. To prove a point, here is a video of Kathy Bates naked in the movie About Schmidt. You clicked on that didn't you? You are just as bad a person as I am (congratulations?). That's my point. Celebrities only exist to promise or tease nudity. Scarsky shouldn't be shocked about her goods being displayed for all to see; she should be shocked that it took this long to happen! Also that Kathy Bates video is also not safe for work (I probably should have mentioned that. Just assume all links from here on out are likely to get you a trip to HR).

Ms. Johannesburg should also know better. Don't take naked pictures of yourself, especially if you are famous. There is no way this doesn't backfire on you. Just ask Anthony Weiner, Hayley Williams, Ke$ha (this one has the benefit of her being covered in a puddle of potential children!) or countless others. In this stupid ass world of sexting and social media, just assume that all naked pictures of you are going to be online. Especially if you are someone people care about. This is such a rampant problem that there is even a PSA about it (that last link was safe for work, or was it? Anything is possible). See, all those creepy dudes were looking at that chick on the Internet, and she's only a shitty PSA actress. SJ stood no chance of having her pictures secured to her own phone. This is why I don't take pictures of my junk. I don't need the whole Internet laughing at me.

There are three ways to handle a scandal (haha rhymes) like this:

1. Ignore it

This is the best solution. Everything blows over. In the magical world of the Interwebs, things tend to blow over very quickly. If something lasts a week on here, that's long time. If Scarry JoJo just said nothing, then this would be over in a day or two. If she gets asked about them she could just say, "It was a misstake, and it is unfortunate that these photos were leaked." Then she could go about her life.

2. Embrace it

This is the Paris Hilton method. When her sex tape was leaked, she pretty much embraced that she was a whore. She capitalized on her new found fame, and it worked out great for her. This has been seen before with Pamela Anderson (twice) and Kim Kardashian. There are two notes on this method. First, this only works if you are attractive, this didn't work out well for the wrestler China (no one wants to watch a female version of Micky Rourke get fucked). And second, you need to be marginally famous for this to not come off desperate (well extremely desperate). Since Sarlacc, is both very attractive and famous, this option is unfeasible.

3. Go to the FBI and make a big deal about it

All this does is call attention to the situation. Attention you clearly don't want, since you didn't do option 2. This is called the Barbara Streisand Effect. Like most things bearing Babs' name, this is undesirable. For a little history on the effect, let me spin you a yarn. In 2003, Barbara tried to suppress photos of her mansion from going public. Her attempts only made the public want to see the pictures more, therefore having the opposite result than what she wanted. A more recent case of this is the Anthony Weiner hoopla (you may have read about it on this very website! (you probably didn't)). The last thing you want to do in an embarrassing situation (like having your goods out for the world to see), is to make a bigger deal about the embarrassing situation.

Guess which option Scarlett chose. That's right option three! To prove exactly how bad of an idea that was, it made me write this thing you're reading now. Now all seven (a generous estimate) of my readers have seen the pictures. I am finally part of something! Granted it's the problem, not the solution, but its a start.

Don't forget to smile for the camera,
Scott

Buffet Table: Time Traveling

Dear Reader,

Last weekend, I went on a little vacation. A vacation to the goddamned past! A time was had by all. Read all about it in this week's installment of the Buffet Table.

It may have just been a renaissance fair in Tuxedo, NY,
Scott

Buffet Table: FAQ

Dear Reader,

Every good website has an FAQ section. That's why this site is lacking one. I was tasked with writing an FAQ for The Buffet Table.

Prepare to get learned,
Scott

The best news story ever

Dear Reader.

Holy shit! Are you ready for the best news story I have ever heard? Matthew Fox (Jack Shephard from Lost) punched a bus driver's vagina! Did you read that?! Matthew Fox engaged in fisticuffs with some broad's snatch!

I know!

I don't even care how it happened, but here's the story anyway:

On Saturday night (8/27/11), while everyone on the east coast was hiding from some bitch named Irene, people in Cleveland were partying. This happened in Cleveland? I take back everything I ever said about you. Anyway, a party bus (driven by Heather Bormann) was picking up a bachelor party from Shooters Entertainment Complex. What she didn't anticipate was, Lost star, Matthew Fox on board; demanding a ride back to his hotel. When he was denied, he lost his shit!

He yelled, "This is the guy from ‘Lost,’ Matthew Fox!"

When that didn't work, he started hitting Heather in the tits and twat.

Now, I don't know how you are imagining this, but in my mind Mr. Fox getting stuck in Ms. Bormann's gash. Like he is forearm deep in there, just struggling to get out, like James Franco in 127 Hours. I am not advocating violence to women, unless it's something as awesome as this. If we can laugh (and we do) at dudes getting hit in the beanbags, then we can laugh and biddies getting pummeled in the pussy. This is the price you pay for the right to vote and drive.

Just imagine (like I have been all day) if this happened in all of Matty's roles.

Party of Five:
"Oh hey, Jennifer Love Hewitt, I'm so bummed by our parents dying in that car accident."

"Yea Matt, me t-"

BOOM! He lands a haymaker into JLH's cooch!

"Fuck! That hurt! Holy shit, I can whisper to ghosts now."

I have never seen Party of Five, or Ghost Whisperer.

Vantage Point:
Did anyone see this? I didn't think so. Would you have, if it were guaranteed that Fox socks Sigourney Weaver's lunch box? Fuck yea, you would have.

Lost:
Imagine how much better Lost would have been if, every time Kate was annoying, Jack landed an uppercut on her hatchet wound. Just think about how much better this scene would have been (ignore the stupid dubbing):



Wait a minute. Maybe this did happen, behind the scenes. It would explain why every biddy, Jack spoke to, would immediately start fucking Sawyer. Sawyer had a strict "no punching the ham wallet policy."

Shit, all of this Lost talk just makes me upset. That last season was so fucking bad. Matthew, if you want to redeem yourself in everyone else's eyes (not mine, you won me over), you should land a few knuckle sandwiches into the collective cunt of Damon Linelof and Carlton Cuse. Fuck those guys.

Now maybe, I'm enjoying this story too much. But I doubt that. There is no way thinking of new ways to say, "Matthew Fox totally went all Muhammad Ali on some bird's pot of gold", will ever get old.

I can't wait to tell my grandchildren about where I was when I heard Matthew Fox socked some chick right in her sunken treasure,
Scott

Buffet table: A Week of Natural Disasters

Dear Reader,

As I'm sure you are aware, the east coast of the United States experienced a two prongs attack from Gaia. We had an earthquake then a hurricane. Holy shit! I explain how I handled myself during this time, in this week's edition of Buffet Table.

Nature is silly,
Scott

Buffet Table: Bachmann and Movies

Dear Reader,

In this week's edition of Buffet Table, I attempt to write about republican presidential candidate Michele Bachmann. I ultimately fail this goal, and write about movie trailers. It is up for debate if I also failed in this attempt.

Either way I'm sure it will delight the masses,
Scott

Buffet Table: Crime & Punishment

Dear Reader,

Not everything I do involves celebrities and making fun of the news. Sometimes, I like to go to museums and get my culture on. Since everything I do does involve murder and crazy, my museum of choice was the National Museum of Crime & Punishment. You can read my review in this week's Buffet Table.

The more you know,
Scott

Buffet Table: Shark Week

Dear Reader,

Last week was Shark Week.  I know you are all in a frenzy to find out what I thought about it. Lucky for you, you can check out Buffet Table to see my thoughts on the great event.  It really has all you could ask for in a critique of educational television (sharks, chum, hugs and intrigue).  Like LL Cool Jay once said "deepest, bluest, my head is like a sharks fin."

Those words are more true now than ever before,
Scott

You sunk my battleship!

Dear Reader,

Have you seen the trailer for the movie, Battleship? It's based of the classic board game. If not, you really need to click on this link. Welcome back. I know, you're confused. You don't remember the aliens when you used to play Battleship? They were there, you just weren't paying attention (drunk) enough to see them. This trailer makes sense to me (Scott, has a drinking problem). Since I only play these games while shithoused, I have the unique insight needed for this new genre of film. I present the future of cinema:

Mouse Trap: A young attractive group of coeds, find themselves lost in a spooky warehouse. The lights go out, and they are trapped like a mouse. One by one they are tortured to death. I'm talking, horribly tortured here: arms cut in half long ways, fingernails pulled off with rusty pliers, eye lids removed then eaten. There will be so much pain and suffering, Eli Roth will reach climax five times in the first half of the movie alone.

Operation: Oliver Platt needs a life saving surgery (an Operation, of you catch what I'm throwing), to cure his disease (let's call it super AIDS). His Dr. is played by Katherine Heigl, who is just unlucky with love. Oliver helps her out in trying to get another Dr. to love her (can we get Nick Lachey for this?). In the end we all learn a little about love, and that all of these shenanigans didn't help cure Mr. Platt. He dies in the end.

Apples to Apples: This isn't you father's buddy cop movie (unless I'm your father). Isaac Newton is a by-the-book veteran detective, who is only one moth away from retirement, but he has a new partner, loose cannon and rebel, Steve Jobs. Jobs has been unhinged, ever since his wife was gunned down by the criminal mastermind, Bill Gates. The case Newton and Jobs is on takes them right to Bill Gate's lair (the Gates of Hell!). Newton uses calculus and gravity to save the day (while also being to old for this shit), and Jobs finally gets the closure he's needed.

Charades: I know this isn't a board game, but the script wrote itself. In this re-imagining of history we see a young, sexy Hellen Keller somehow witnesses a murder. Maybe she was raped? Anyway, she has to help the cops bring these wrong doers to justice.

Candy Land: A group of space scientists (and for some reason two children) land on a previously undiscovered planet. This planet is... wait for it... made of candy. They get into some sticky situations as they escape the evil Mr. Mint. Hold on, this is a bit too close to the actual canon of the game. So, they land on this new planet, and everything is made of CGI John Candys. That's much better.

Backgammon: A very handsome and charming Internet comedy writer (let's call him Scott), finds himself magically transported to inside the Star Wars universe. He has to be part of the original trilogy, and live out all of his childhood dreams! Shooting Stromtroopers and Ewoks, getting into light saber duels, banging Princess Leia when she's a slave on Jabba's floating barge, and finally joining the dark side. I think I can speak for everyone when I say this will be the best movie ever made.

Cranium: After I have exhausted the game movie genre, this will be released. It will be a reference movie (like the awful Disaster Movie, Date Movie, Meet the Spartans, etc.). Like the other reference movies, this will be unwatchable.

Now I know a lot of Hollywood execs read this blog. Please make this happen. If it helps, I can offer you some coke.

The film industry runs on coke,
Scott

Buffet Table: Harry Potter

Dear Reader,

Did I say "Reader?" I meant "Muggle." I know you are all trying to cope with the end of the Harry Potter franchise. I've been so distraught, I haven't left my apartment in weeks. I find the best way to help me deal with such a loss, is to write an article about H. Potts (and have you tell your friends to read it). Or you could just throw rocks at Twilight fans.

Either one is fine with me,
Scott

Buffet Table: Dinosaurs

Dear Reader,

Monday is here again, that can only mean two things! 1.) You are at work, and you need something to occupy your time so you don't kill anyone. 2.) I post a new article on Buffet Table. Lucky for you the second thing, helps with the first thing. As you can tell by the clever title of this post, the article is about dinosaurs.

I fucking love dinosaurs,
Scott

How to have fun during the summer

Dear Reader,

Holy fucking shit, it is hot outside! I'm sure you've noticed this by now (If not, stay inside! Whatever you do, stay inside!). A weather expert (wexpert?) has been quoted, "It is hotter than the Devil's taint out there!" That expert may have been me. It is so skin bubbling hot, that my tears boil upon hitting the open air. If you are anything like me, you contemplate suicide (a permanent solution to every problem) every three seconds where you are open to the elements. My latest suicide fantasy involves committing seppuku. My reasoning is two fold: 1.) I think that the sudden lack of intestines, and the breeze entering my torso cavity, would have a nice cooling effect before i pass on. 2.) I deserve to die, with honor. Sometimes, you just can't find a sword, so here are some other things you can do to cope with the grueling heat (in typical Another Internet Blog fashion, these will be full of death and mayhem):

Play with some animals:
Like a leopard. In India, a leopard wandered into a village and freaked the shit out. Spots was overwhelmed by all the folks screaming "HOLY SHIT THERE'S A FUCKING LEOPARD HERE!" (again I am not good with foreign languages), and he started swiping people. This caused them to stab, throw rocks, and beat the aforementioned leopard, until some forest guards eventually shot it with a tranquilizer. In the end, 11 people were hurt, and one leopard died (due to the stabbing). On the bright side, the attack really brought the village together.

Go to the beach:
What's that in the sand? Oh rotting corpse. No big deal, probably some hooker who changed her price. Oh wait, hookers are rarely 30 feet long (not since that one time). This is probably a whale of some kind, but maybe its a shark of some kind. We can argue all night long about what it could be, but we can all agree that there is rotting sea monster porn somewhere on the Internet by now (the Internet is a dark and magical place like that).

Get your feet wet:
Like three folks did at Yosemite. As you could have guessed (because this I'm writing this) the three folks ate it hard, and died. These three (for lack of a better word) idiots, decided to ignore warning signs, go under a railing, and stand on a rock in the middle of the river leading to a 317 foot waterfall drop. This didn't end well. They fell in and went over the falls. They fell, hard. The three were described as "church role models." I'm unsure why they need the church qualifier there. Maybe church means that reading or common sense are not things one uses for church styled role modeling. My favorite part in all of this, is that Yosemite officials are not adding any more warnings or changing the railing. People like this were going to get picked off by nature at some point soon anyway, it wasn't the waterfalls' fault.

Go to a concert:
Like a nice Cheap Trick concert in Canada. During Cheap Trick's set during the Ottawa Bluesfest, wind got fucking serious. The stage went down faster than Michele Bachmann's husband in a room full of glory holes. This story was pretty uneventful, aside from making Cheap Trick relevant again (even if only for a moment). No one went all Great White, and got stampeded/burned to death. No one got straight up murdered, like Dimebag Darrell at that Pantera show (granted, that moment was very metal, its just a shame it didn't happen at a U2 concert (I mean how hard would it be to kill Dimebag at a U2 concert?)). It also wasn't a huge tragedy, that every Dave Matthews Band concert is.

You could always just go through with the suicide approach. I don't want to tell you how to live your death.
Scott

Mondays just got awesome

Dear Reader,

Do you wish you could read more nonsense from me? Do you wish there was some other website I wrote for, that had other people also writing for it so you could avoid my articles? If you answered yes to one or more of those options, then today is your lucky day! Today is the launch of a new website called The Buffet Table (fun fact: if you look up the similar url website of thebuffet.tumblr.com, you get a website chock full of wang).

The Buffet Table will be updated every Monday, Wednesday, & Friday. I will be posting something on there every Monday. My first post is all about rocking your fucking face off.

Maybe this will make me update here more,
Scott