Even in death it sucks to be Gary Coleman

Dear Reader,

Well it been a busy couple of days in the world of celebrity deaths. Which, as you know, is one of my favorite things!

First I would like to talk about Bret Michaels. He didn't die. It was the worst case of celebrity death blue balls ever! First he was rushed to the hospital near the end of April for severe headaches. He was in critical condition, maybe he would slip into a coma. Then VH1 can launch a new dating show: Who Wants to Date a Vegetable with Bret Michaels. How awesome would that show be? VERY AWESOME is the answer. Just imagine a bunch of trashy skanks grinding and getting drunk over his body. They can all fight to change his catheter! I would watch that in a second. Then once he ate the big one VH1 can have Rock of Love marathons! This would be the best thing ever! Sadly none of the happened. He recovered and is doing fine, he even won Celebrity Apprentice. Side note he wore his bandanna in the hospital because he "Wanted to go out rocking." Bullshit! You are a douche who is afraid the world will know that you are a balding sad caricature of your former self.

So that was upsetting, but then May 28th came along and Gary Coleman finally had all of his dreams come true. He died, which he has wanted ever since Diff'rent Strokes got cancelled. One could say that Gary gave life the old Cleveland Try. Finally people would care about him again, the jokes would stop! Unfortunately, he didn't die of a stoke. It would be a different stroke indeed! It was really inconsiderate of him, now Avenue Q has to change their show around to get rid of the Gary Coleman character. Maybe they can use Emmanuel Lewis instead. Now people will spend a couple of days saying good things about him. Not is Dennis Hopper has anything to say about it.

That's right the next day Dennis Hopper goes quietly into the good night. Now a dead there was a dead person people actually cared about. Well there goes my hopes for a Waterworld sequel. Waterworld 2: The Return of the Deacon! At least we can look forward to a Speed, Super Mario Bros, and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 triple feature and your local drive in movie. Maybe when Gary and Dennis meet up int he sideways/purgatory world in Lost and Dennis can give Gary a quick kick to the junk as one last dig. Oh yea if you didn't see the finale of Lost, that's how it ends. Lots of junk punches. Mostly to the loyal fans. What a shitty way to end the show.

Glad I am not G. Coleman,
Scott

The most depressing song ever

Dear Reader,

To keep this blog's long tradition of posting variations of the song "We Are the World" I present you this:


EMBED-We Are Lebron Video - Watch more free videos

You should probably watch that again. I'll wait.

Cleveland is, hands down, the most miserable place in America. Only two good things (LeBreazy excluded) have ever come out of The Mistake by the Lake:

1. Drew Carey
2. Jokes about Cleveland

Despite his lackluster performance as the host of the Price is Right, Mr. Carey is a solid comedian/actor. The Drew Carey show was AMAZING! Aside form LeBron, Drew is easily the biggest thing to ever come out of the land of Cleve. It's weird that he isn't int he song, I guess they didn't want a big name. They gave it the old Cleveland Try. This will be a new phrase to refer to someone not giving it all they can, and just failing terribly. See also: The city of Cleveland.

When LeBron leaves you will get to hear the collective suicide of an entire city. It will be a pretty epic event. He is literally the only thing holding the place together. To give an example, let's take a look at Braylon Edwards. He used to be a wide receiver for the Cleveland Browns. He got in a fight with a friend of LeBron James, and roughly the next day he was traded to the Jets.

I love the "celebrities" they have in the video as well. Otto Orf, Cleveland Soccer Legend, does such a title actually exist?! Tim Misny, Intimidating TV Lawyer, that is awesome!

I really hope LeBrogame leaves Cleveland, I think it will be interesting to see what he can do with a real team. I also hope he doesn't go to the Knicks. I hate the Knicks, fuck them. They can be summed up by Erika Lauren, WMMS Personality/ MTV's Real World contestant, "New York is overcrowded, Those people are unbearable, And don't forget, the Knicks and Nets are terrible." Mostly true, Lauren. The Nets play in the greatest state of all, New Jersey, not New York. Otherwise dead on.

I hope the attempts to get LeBron to stay get more sad and desperate, because looking at Cleveland just makes you feel better about yourself.

Glad to not be there,
Scott

Welcome back

Dear Reader,

I'm sorry it took so long for me to write to you again. I will do my best to not have these delays in the future. Since it's been a while I will just shoot off a few small items of interest.

Step aside Double Bacon, we have a new football rapist! That's right New Jersey Giants' legend Lawrence Taylor allegedly raped a 16-year-old! Not only that but he paid her so that's a double whammy! This may put a damper on his young acting career. I have a feeling Joe Theismann set all this up. He finally got his revenge! SUCK ON IT LT!

A fired Port Authority lieutenant won his appeal! What was he fired for? Well, he was looking at porn at work, and he stole $4,400 from the company. He claimed that his actions were due to post-traumatic stress disorder, and the courts let him resign. Now he gets a fatty pension! How awesome is that?! It's good to know that if you ever get caught watching porn at work, everything will be OK!

Tim Tebow's jersey was the top selling NFL jersey in April. That is horse shit! (haha horse shit, and he plays for the Broncos) No one knows how he will do as a pro. He is a back up right now. And he is also an incredible douche! God doesn't love you Tim, that's why you lost the 2009 SEC Championship and cried like the smoten residents of Sodom and Gomorrah. I disagree with the Superbowl commercial Tim and his mom were in. If anything, he is a walking advertisement for abortion.

It's good to be back,
Scott