Vultures are really smart

Dear Reader,

As you can see in this link vultures have taken up residence in a retirement community in Texas. This is awesome. It is an ingenious way for the vultures to get to their food early. Early vulture gets the corpse, I always say. Really I say it all the time. Its about time it was relevant.

The best part about the above video is that homegirl is confused about why they are there in the first place. They are there to feed! They can smell death. Or at least they can clearly smell imminent death. Evolution is a nifty thing!

I also really enjoy their solution. Air horns. Now a future conversation can go like this:
"THIS IS SO MUCH NICER THAN WHEN THE VULTURES WERE HERE!"
"WHAT?!"
"THE VULTURES! IT'S SO MUCH NICER NOW THAT THEY'RE GONE!"
"YOUR EARS ARE BLEEDING!"
"WHAT?!"

A better solution would be to have more younger folks move in. The smell of youthful vitality will be distasteful to the vultures. Plus it will be a bit quieter than the air horns, if you can ignore the loud hip hop blaring from the boom boxes that the kids are so fond of these days.

Enjoy your youth,
Scott

Some clerical updates

Dear Reader,

Not much to say today, just some quick notes. As you can see off to the right, you can now both follow me on Twitter and email me. Feel free to do either. I was debating on joining Faceload, but I really hate the Faceloads, so that won't be happening just yet. I am also not the biggest Twitter fan, but it seems like the best marketing strategy available right now. I shall return later with more ramblings.

Farewell,
Scott

Move over Tupac

Dear Reader,

I wanted to do a Michael Jackson post when he died because I love when celebrities die, especially when they have allegedly done something bad (like molest little boys). Sadly I did not have this blog to write about MJ, so I had to wait for some news. Luckily it was reported that Jackson's estate was signed to a ten album record deal fro $250 million. Hooly shit! Hooly?

So now Mr. Shakur won't be the only dead guy releasing new music every year. Is this deal even necessary? Michael has been replaced.

If we need a musician to walk around in a mask for no reason we can always look to that crazy bitch Lady Gaga. It's really cheating to say you have a great Poker Face when you wear masks all the time (have some respect for the game Ms. Gaga)

If we want someone who looks like a terrifying character in a Tim Burton stop motion animated movie we can look at Amy Winehouse. Well we can't look at her for long, because really she has to be eating it in the near future (also if you look at her for too long your eyes melt away, true story).

If we need someone to look at to show us how cosmetic surgery has gone wrong, we have Janice Dickinson. You can literally hit her i the face with a shovel and nothing would happen.

Most importantly, who the douche would buy a new MJ album? He hasn't out out a good song since 1995. Did anyone buy Invincible? I didn't hear a yes. His latest single, the appropriately titled "This Is It" was terrible.

Aside from a bed time story to scare children Michael Jackson is completely irrelevant. However he died, so now we all have to care about it again and pretend that as his face deteriorated so did his music. How cool would it have been if they hooked him up to a marionette system and reenacted the video for "Thriller" at his funeral. That would have been sweet.

My condolences,

Scott

Avatar is an overrated piece of crap

Dear Reader,

As you can see by the title of this post, I think Avatar is wonderful! Well unless you are looking for a good movie. If the quality of a film was based entirely on graphics and special effects, then yes, Avatar is one of the greatest movies ever made. It is visually stunning. However all praise ends there.

It took James Cameron ten years to make this movie. Let's read that again, together this time. It took James Cameron ten years to make this movie. TEN YEARS! That is an entire decade to develop characters, write a story, and work your effects magic. Have you seen Disney's Pocahontas and/or Dances with Wolves? The you've seen Avatar. In ten fucking years one would think you could come up with a movie that wasn't a complete rip off of AT LEAST two other movies. I really wouldn't care that this movie is completely unoriginal, if it wasn't nominated for a best picture awards and it didn't take 120 months to make. I am looking at Wikipedia right now and it says that James wrote an 80 page scriptment for Avatar in 1994. So it actually took him fifteen years to take this massive shit. What an asshole!

His excuse is that he spent so much time creating the planet of Pandora and its rich history, its new language, and all the pretty graphics. I could see where the actual plot could get int he way of all of the superficial nonsense.

In case you haven't seen the movie let me just say this. The people like creatures in the movie have four appendages. The animal like creatures have six appendages. This may seem like its not a big deal, but it is a huge deal. It defies all rules of evolution and natural selection. First of all, evolution is real, anyone who says otherwise should just sit down and be quiet forever. All higher forms of animal life on Earth evolved from a four legged animal, that is why mammals, reptiles, amphibians, and birds all have four appendages. It doesn't make any sense that these rules would be different on James Cameron's douche bag planet. The blue folks there should have an extra set of arms or legs. This fact bothered me after seeing the first six legged thing. Then it was a nagging annoyance for the rest of the three hour film.

This fucking thing better not win an Oscar for best picture. Go see District 9 it was a far more superior alien movie. If you haven't seen Avatar by the time its out of the theatres don't even bother. It will suck out loud on your two dimensional smaller than an IMAX TV.

See you at the movies,

Scott

Oh, so it's not just a clever name.

Dear Reader,

As I'm sure you are aware, a killer whale killed its trainer the other day. It's about time things started living up to their titles.

Here are some things that are not what their name suggests:

First we have the "Great" Lakes. They are maybe mediocre at best. I mean how great can they be? They border Minnesota, Wisconsin, Illinois, Indiana, Michigan, Ohio, Pennsylvania, New York, and Canada. What a waste of land! Who even cares about Ohio? Maybe three people, ever. I know what you're thinking. "But Scott, New York is super keen!" Aside from Ithaca, New York is an overrated thing near New Jersey.

Now we have pie. This is hardly 3.14159265358979323846264338327950288419716939937510582097494459230781640628620899862803482534211706798214808651328230664709384460955058223172535940812848111745028410270193852110555964462294895493038196442881097566593344612847564823378678316527120190914564856692346034861045432664821339360726024914127372458700660631558817488152092096282925409171536436789259036001133053054882046652138414695194151160943305727036575959195309218611738193261179310511854807446237996274956735188575272489122793818301194912... How is a delicious pastry supposed to help me find the circumference of a circle? it won't!

And now we have Krazy Glue. Let me just say that this is not nearly as krazy as advertised. It should be called frustrating liquid that makes you stick your fingers to things. Which isn't being crazy, its being a douche. it should be called douche glue... that would probably be painful.

Finally, an Orca (or how you, Reader, call them, a Killer Whale). And now we can think of them as real killers, of people. Not killers of souls, like the whale in Free Willy. Imagine how much better that movie would have been if Willy was just mauling and drowning everyone!

If I were to get mauled and drowned to death by a killer whale, I want my tombstone to say: Scott, He died the way he lived.

Shamu got nothing on Tilikum,

Scott

Obligatory Tiger Woods Blog Post

Dear Reader,

Remember when Tiger Woods was known for being a golfer? Those were the days. Fortunately now, he is much more interesting. You may be asking yourself "What could Tiger have done, to not get himself into this mess?" That is a great question, Reader, and I will gladly answer it.

Tiger Woods had roughly fourteen mistresses, hot damn! That's a lot of tang on the side! That was his first mistake. He let them live to tell the tale. What he should have done was to just "take care" of them, after he had his way with them. Now hear me out. One of these ladies was a VH1 Reality star reject. The world would not have missed her. Also, who would believe rumors that Tiger is a serial killer? No one! And just think how much more intimidating he would have been as an athlete! OJ would have nothing on T Dub!

So that would have solved Tiger's issues. As we know that did not happen. I am mildly disappointed in Elin (his wife for those who only know her as Tiger's wife). She should have raked in the sponsorship dollars from golf club companies after busting Tiger's windows. I don't own golf clubs, but if some angry blond brandishing one told me to buy her brand, I would.

Basically what I am trying to say, is that I figured a lot of folks would be looking up Tiger Woods on Google today, since he is giving his "big speech" (more on that later); and I wanted to capitalize on that and get at least two hits to this little website.

The speech you say? Yes as you know Tiger is giving a five minute speech today at 11 AM EST, to explain is "transgressions." If I ran his PR campaign, I would tell him to announce he is gay. Think about it. Now America loves him again. Why did he sleep with all those broads? He only did so to maintain his "man's man" image. He didn't want to society made him. Plus, now it would look like his wife is the jerk. "She went after her husband with a golf club because he's gay," people would say. Now he is a victim.

I am not saying he is gay, I'm just saying he should say that he is.

Stick with me T Dub, and you will go far.

Your welcome,
Scott

Poor Haiti

Dear Reader,

Have you seen the new version of We Are The World? It looks something like this:

Now I think I speak for the world at large when I say that this is song is the worst thing to ever happen to Haiti. Remember back in the day when We Are The World was a great song? I do. It is one of the best songs to sing for karaoke. Nothing angers a crowd like seven minutes of a chorus, sung by someone who couldn't carry a tune even if it was in a paper bag (me).

But I digress. We Are The World was a great song, sung by legendary singers. Now we have this shit. With Fergie, Akon, and Lil Wayne. Really?! (While we're on the subject, remember when Juvenile was more relevant than Lil Wayne?) And what the hell was with the rap break down? And why is Kanye in there? He is a douche!

Please donate whatever you can to the many Haiti relief funds out there. What ever you can give will help to reverse the damage this song has done. Buildings can be rebuilt, but this song will be around forever.

Over and Out,

Scott