Dear Reader,
Monday is here again, that can only mean two things! 1.) You are at work, and you need something to occupy your time so you don't kill anyone. 2.) I post a new article on Buffet Table. Lucky for you the second thing, helps with the first thing. As you can tell by the clever title of this post, the article is about dinosaurs.
I fucking love dinosaurs,
Scott
Monday, July 25, 2011
Thursday, July 21, 2011
How to have fun during the summer
Dear Reader,
Holy fucking shit, it is hot outside! I'm sure you've noticed this by now (If not, stay inside! Whatever you do, stay inside!). A weather expert (wexpert?) has been quoted, "It is hotter than the Devil's taint out there!" That expert may have been me. It is so skin bubbling hot, that my tears boil upon hitting the open air. If you are anything like me, you contemplate suicide (a permanent solution to every problem) every three seconds where you are open to the elements. My latest suicide fantasy involves committing seppuku. My reasoning is two fold: 1.) I think that the sudden lack of intestines, and the breeze entering my torso cavity, would have a nice cooling effect before i pass on. 2.) I deserve to die, with honor. Sometimes, you just can't find a sword, so here are some other things you can do to cope with the grueling heat (in typical Another Internet Blog fashion, these will be full of death and mayhem):
Play with some animals:
Like a leopard. In India, a leopard wandered into a village and freaked the shit out. Spots was overwhelmed by all the folks screaming "HOLY SHIT THERE'S A FUCKING LEOPARD HERE!" (again I am not good with foreign languages), and he started swiping people. This caused them to stab, throw rocks, and beat the aforementioned leopard, until some forest guards eventually shot it with a tranquilizer. In the end, 11 people were hurt, and one leopard died (due to the stabbing). On the bright side, the attack really brought the village together.
Go to the beach:
What's that in the sand? Oh rotting corpse. No big deal, probably some hooker who changed her price. Oh wait, hookers are rarely 30 feet long (not since that one time). This is probably a whale of some kind, but maybe its a shark of some kind. We can argue all night long about what it could be, but we can all agree that there is rotting sea monster porn somewhere on the Internet by now (the Internet is a dark and magical place like that).
Get your feet wet:
Like three folks did at Yosemite. As you could have guessed (because this I'm writing this) the three folks ate it hard, and died. These three (for lack of a better word) idiots, decided to ignore warning signs, go under a railing, and stand on a rock in the middle of the river leading to a 317 foot waterfall drop. This didn't end well. They fell in and went over the falls. They fell, hard. The three were described as "church role models." I'm unsure why they need the church qualifier there. Maybe church means that reading or common sense are not things one uses for church styled role modeling. My favorite part in all of this, is that Yosemite officials are not adding any more warnings or changing the railing. People like this were going to get picked off by nature at some point soon anyway, it wasn't the waterfalls' fault.
Go to a concert:
Like a nice Cheap Trick concert in Canada. During Cheap Trick's set during the Ottawa Bluesfest, wind got fucking serious. The stage went down faster than Michele Bachmann's husband in a room full of glory holes. This story was pretty uneventful, aside from making Cheap Trick relevant again (even if only for a moment). No one went all Great White, and got stampeded/burned to death. No one got straight up murdered, like Dimebag Darrell at that Pantera show (granted, that moment was very metal, its just a shame it didn't happen at a U2 concert (I mean how hard would it be to kill Dimebag at a U2 concert?)). It also wasn't a huge tragedy, that every Dave Matthews Band concert is.
You could always just go through with the suicide approach. I don't want to tell you how to live your death.
Scott
Holy fucking shit, it is hot outside! I'm sure you've noticed this by now (If not, stay inside! Whatever you do, stay inside!). A weather expert (wexpert?) has been quoted, "It is hotter than the Devil's taint out there!" That expert may have been me. It is so skin bubbling hot, that my tears boil upon hitting the open air. If you are anything like me, you contemplate suicide (a permanent solution to every problem) every three seconds where you are open to the elements. My latest suicide fantasy involves committing seppuku. My reasoning is two fold: 1.) I think that the sudden lack of intestines, and the breeze entering my torso cavity, would have a nice cooling effect before i pass on. 2.) I deserve to die, with honor. Sometimes, you just can't find a sword, so here are some other things you can do to cope with the grueling heat (in typical Another Internet Blog fashion, these will be full of death and mayhem):
Play with some animals:
Like a leopard. In India, a leopard wandered into a village and freaked the shit out. Spots was overwhelmed by all the folks screaming "HOLY SHIT THERE'S A FUCKING LEOPARD HERE!" (again I am not good with foreign languages), and he started swiping people. This caused them to stab, throw rocks, and beat the aforementioned leopard, until some forest guards eventually shot it with a tranquilizer. In the end, 11 people were hurt, and one leopard died (due to the stabbing). On the bright side, the attack really brought the village together.
Go to the beach:
What's that in the sand? Oh rotting corpse. No big deal, probably some hooker who changed her price. Oh wait, hookers are rarely 30 feet long (not since that one time). This is probably a whale of some kind, but maybe its a shark of some kind. We can argue all night long about what it could be, but we can all agree that there is rotting sea monster porn somewhere on the Internet by now (the Internet is a dark and magical place like that).
Get your feet wet:
Like three folks did at Yosemite. As you could have guessed (because this I'm writing this) the three folks ate it hard, and died. These three (for lack of a better word) idiots, decided to ignore warning signs, go under a railing, and stand on a rock in the middle of the river leading to a 317 foot waterfall drop. This didn't end well. They fell in and went over the falls. They fell, hard. The three were described as "church role models." I'm unsure why they need the church qualifier there. Maybe church means that reading or common sense are not things one uses for church styled role modeling. My favorite part in all of this, is that Yosemite officials are not adding any more warnings or changing the railing. People like this were going to get picked off by nature at some point soon anyway, it wasn't the waterfalls' fault.
Go to a concert:
Like a nice Cheap Trick concert in Canada. During Cheap Trick's set during the Ottawa Bluesfest, wind got fucking serious. The stage went down faster than Michele Bachmann's husband in a room full of glory holes. This story was pretty uneventful, aside from making Cheap Trick relevant again (even if only for a moment). No one went all Great White, and got stampeded/burned to death. No one got straight up murdered, like Dimebag Darrell at that Pantera show (granted, that moment was very metal, its just a shame it didn't happen at a U2 concert (I mean how hard would it be to kill Dimebag at a U2 concert?)). It also wasn't a huge tragedy, that every Dave Matthews Band concert is.
You could always just go through with the suicide approach. I don't want to tell you how to live your death.
Scott
Monday, July 18, 2011
Mondays just got awesome
Dear Reader,
Do you wish you could read more nonsense from me? Do you wish there was some other website I wrote for, that had other people also writing for it so you could avoid my articles? If you answered yes to one or more of those options, then today is your lucky day! Today is the launch of a new website called The Buffet Table (fun fact: if you look up the similar url website of thebuffet.tumblr.com, you get a website chock full of wang).
The Buffet Table will be updated every Monday, Wednesday, & Friday. I will be posting something on there every Monday. My first post is all about rocking your fucking face off.
Maybe this will make me update here more,
Scott
Do you wish you could read more nonsense from me? Do you wish there was some other website I wrote for, that had other people also writing for it so you could avoid my articles? If you answered yes to one or more of those options, then today is your lucky day! Today is the launch of a new website called The Buffet Table (fun fact: if you look up the similar url website of thebuffet.tumblr.com, you get a website chock full of wang).
The Buffet Table will be updated every Monday, Wednesday, & Friday. I will be posting something on there every Monday. My first post is all about rocking your fucking face off.
Maybe this will make me update here more,
Scott
Friday, July 8, 2011
Casey Anthony vs. OJ Simpson
Dear Reader,
As I'm sure you heard, there's a new OJ in town. As you know, I am a HUGE The Juice fan. And Casey Anthony is no Mr. Simpson. You are aware of Casey Anthony right (if not, then congratulations on just being born? I am honored that you have chosen my site to visit at such a young age. (Where are your parents? Shouldn't they be watching you? (They are just like Casey Anthony. (Oh right, you don't know who she is. Read on.))))? Good, then I don't need to go into great detail.
But Scott, they are the same, OJ & CA, they got away with murder! First of all, don't yell at me. Second of all, let me explain:
Difference 1: Evidence. There was so much more evidence against my boy. Only through his cunning was he able to avoid the slammer. There wasn't a lot of evidence against Cassy Anthy. There was no DNA. All the prosecution had was that she probably killed her daughter. I probably did a lot of things, doesn't mean I did them. But she went out partying when her daughter was missing/dead! Again with the yelling. Just because she went on a month long bender, entered a hot body contest (did we ever find out if she won?), and got "Bella Vita" (I think it's Italian for "Beautiful Life" or "I Totes Just Killed My Daughter," I don't know. I'm bad at foreign languages) tattooed on her shoulder, right after her daughter was no longer with us, that doesn't make her a murderer. It is not normal behavior, but we all cope with loss differently. I yell obscenities to the clergy, when I'm feeling down ("Hey fuck you Archbishop Glenn!"). In cases like this you need to prove guilt, not innocence. The prosecution did a much better job against Orenthal.
Difference 2: She's a chick. Duh OJ was totally a dude.
Difference 3: Difficulty. OJ "didn't" kill two adult people. That is hard work, even if you are an amazing athlete and actor. Case Dogg "didn't" kill a small child. That is super easy. Children today are really easy to kill (they don't even have good knife technique).
Difference 4: The future. OJ's future is fucked. He got locked up for bullshit charges in Las Vegas, when he was trying to get his own stuff back. He has to pay all the money he makes to the families of those he "didn't" kill. He wasn't even aloud to release his book about if he hypothetically killed Nicole and Ron. Casey's future is much different (and a lot brighter). She has already been offered a porn contract (say what you will about her actions, she is still attractive), she will get book deals (I hope a parenting book!), and who knows what else. And guys, she's single. I'm sure a bunch of guys will want to tap that. She's crazy, loves to party, and if you knock her up, you know she will take care of the kid. Not OJ, poor poor OJ, he is stuck in jail until 2017 (the earliest!). He'll be 70 then.
Difference 5: A different future. OJ is "not" killing anyone again anytime soon. Casey, however, has time. She could have another kid. That kid could disappear. Maybe then, she will get the justice, that everyone longs for.
So, you see, Cassy Tony is nothing like Detective Nordberg. She may be able to play for the BIlls (they need help), but that would be the extent of their similarities. I guess, now that the trial is over, America has to focus on ourselves. We hate doing that.
On a sad note, the last NASA space shuttle launched today. It is sad that NASA won't be sending heroes into space anymore. Going to space is never routine.
Yes, I care more about going to space than Caylee Anthony,
Scott
As I'm sure you heard, there's a new OJ in town. As you know, I am a HUGE The Juice fan. And Casey Anthony is no Mr. Simpson. You are aware of Casey Anthony right (if not, then congratulations on just being born? I am honored that you have chosen my site to visit at such a young age. (Where are your parents? Shouldn't they be watching you? (They are just like Casey Anthony. (Oh right, you don't know who she is. Read on.))))? Good, then I don't need to go into great detail.
But Scott, they are the same, OJ & CA, they got away with murder! First of all, don't yell at me. Second of all, let me explain:
Difference 1: Evidence. There was so much more evidence against my boy. Only through his cunning was he able to avoid the slammer. There wasn't a lot of evidence against Cassy Anthy. There was no DNA. All the prosecution had was that she probably killed her daughter. I probably did a lot of things, doesn't mean I did them. But she went out partying when her daughter was missing/dead! Again with the yelling. Just because she went on a month long bender, entered a hot body contest (did we ever find out if she won?), and got "Bella Vita" (I think it's Italian for "Beautiful Life" or "I Totes Just Killed My Daughter," I don't know. I'm bad at foreign languages) tattooed on her shoulder, right after her daughter was no longer with us, that doesn't make her a murderer. It is not normal behavior, but we all cope with loss differently. I yell obscenities to the clergy, when I'm feeling down ("Hey fuck you Archbishop Glenn!"). In cases like this you need to prove guilt, not innocence. The prosecution did a much better job against Orenthal.
Difference 2: She's a chick. Duh OJ was totally a dude.
Difference 3: Difficulty. OJ "didn't" kill two adult people. That is hard work, even if you are an amazing athlete and actor. Case Dogg "didn't" kill a small child. That is super easy. Children today are really easy to kill (they don't even have good knife technique).
Difference 4: The future. OJ's future is fucked. He got locked up for bullshit charges in Las Vegas, when he was trying to get his own stuff back. He has to pay all the money he makes to the families of those he "didn't" kill. He wasn't even aloud to release his book about if he hypothetically killed Nicole and Ron. Casey's future is much different (and a lot brighter). She has already been offered a porn contract (say what you will about her actions, she is still attractive), she will get book deals (I hope a parenting book!), and who knows what else. And guys, she's single. I'm sure a bunch of guys will want to tap that. She's crazy, loves to party, and if you knock her up, you know she will take care of the kid. Not OJ, poor poor OJ, he is stuck in jail until 2017 (the earliest!). He'll be 70 then.
Difference 5: A different future. OJ is "not" killing anyone again anytime soon. Casey, however, has time. She could have another kid. That kid could disappear. Maybe then, she will get the justice, that everyone longs for.
So, you see, Cassy Tony is nothing like Detective Nordberg. She may be able to play for the BIlls (they need help), but that would be the extent of their similarities. I guess, now that the trial is over, America has to focus on ourselves. We hate doing that.
On a sad note, the last NASA space shuttle launched today. It is sad that NASA won't be sending heroes into space anymore. Going to space is never routine.
Yes, I care more about going to space than Caylee Anthony,
Scott
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)