Oh, so it's not just a clever name.

Dear Reader,

As I'm sure you are aware, a killer whale killed its trainer the other day. It's about time things started living up to their titles.

Here are some things that are not what their name suggests:

First we have the "Great" Lakes. They are maybe mediocre at best. I mean how great can they be? They border Minnesota, Wisconsin, Illinois, Indiana, Michigan, Ohio, Pennsylvania, New York, and Canada. What a waste of land! Who even cares about Ohio? Maybe three people, ever. I know what you're thinking. "But Scott, New York is super keen!" Aside from Ithaca, New York is an overrated thing near New Jersey.

Now we have pie. This is hardly 3.14159265358979323846264338327950288419716939937510582097494459230781640628620899862803482534211706798214808651328230664709384460955058223172535940812848111745028410270193852110555964462294895493038196442881097566593344612847564823378678316527120190914564856692346034861045432664821339360726024914127372458700660631558817488152092096282925409171536436789259036001133053054882046652138414695194151160943305727036575959195309218611738193261179310511854807446237996274956735188575272489122793818301194912... How is a delicious pastry supposed to help me find the circumference of a circle? it won't!

And now we have Krazy Glue. Let me just say that this is not nearly as krazy as advertised. It should be called frustrating liquid that makes you stick your fingers to things. Which isn't being crazy, its being a douche. it should be called douche glue... that would probably be painful.

Finally, an Orca (or how you, Reader, call them, a Killer Whale). And now we can think of them as real killers, of people. Not killers of souls, like the whale in Free Willy. Imagine how much better that movie would have been if Willy was just mauling and drowning everyone!

If I were to get mauled and drowned to death by a killer whale, I want my tombstone to say: Scott, He died the way he lived.

Shamu got nothing on Tilikum,

Scott

Obligatory Tiger Woods Blog Post

Dear Reader,

Remember when Tiger Woods was known for being a golfer? Those were the days. Fortunately now, he is much more interesting. You may be asking yourself "What could Tiger have done, to not get himself into this mess?" That is a great question, Reader, and I will gladly answer it.

Tiger Woods had roughly fourteen mistresses, hot damn! That's a lot of tang on the side! That was his first mistake. He let them live to tell the tale. What he should have done was to just "take care" of them, after he had his way with them. Now hear me out. One of these ladies was a VH1 Reality star reject. The world would not have missed her. Also, who would believe rumors that Tiger is a serial killer? No one! And just think how much more intimidating he would have been as an athlete! OJ would have nothing on T Dub!

So that would have solved Tiger's issues. As we know that did not happen. I am mildly disappointed in Elin (his wife for those who only know her as Tiger's wife). She should have raked in the sponsorship dollars from golf club companies after busting Tiger's windows. I don't own golf clubs, but if some angry blond brandishing one told me to buy her brand, I would.

Basically what I am trying to say, is that I figured a lot of folks would be looking up Tiger Woods on Google today, since he is giving his "big speech" (more on that later); and I wanted to capitalize on that and get at least two hits to this little website.

The speech you say? Yes as you know Tiger is giving a five minute speech today at 11 AM EST, to explain is "transgressions." If I ran his PR campaign, I would tell him to announce he is gay. Think about it. Now America loves him again. Why did he sleep with all those broads? He only did so to maintain his "man's man" image. He didn't want to society made him. Plus, now it would look like his wife is the jerk. "She went after her husband with a golf club because he's gay," people would say. Now he is a victim.

I am not saying he is gay, I'm just saying he should say that he is.

Stick with me T Dub, and you will go far.

Your welcome,
Scott

Poor Haiti

Dear Reader,

Have you seen the new version of We Are The World? It looks something like this:

Now I think I speak for the world at large when I say that this is song is the worst thing to ever happen to Haiti. Remember back in the day when We Are The World was a great song? I do. It is one of the best songs to sing for karaoke. Nothing angers a crowd like seven minutes of a chorus, sung by someone who couldn't carry a tune even if it was in a paper bag (me).

But I digress. We Are The World was a great song, sung by legendary singers. Now we have this shit. With Fergie, Akon, and Lil Wayne. Really?! (While we're on the subject, remember when Juvenile was more relevant than Lil Wayne?) And what the hell was with the rap break down? And why is Kanye in there? He is a douche!

Please donate whatever you can to the many Haiti relief funds out there. What ever you can give will help to reverse the damage this song has done. Buildings can be rebuilt, but this song will be around forever.

Over and Out,

Scott

And so it begins...

Dear Reader,

Hi there. So I decided to create a blog. Here is the aforementioned blog.

If you are on the internet, because you want porn, then I am sorry. This isn't porn. Well not yet at least. Or is it? Nope.

Since I have established what this blog isn't, we just need to figure out what it is. I have no idea what it is. I have no direction for this, I am open to suggestions. For now I will just write whatever comes to mind, and hope something good comes of this. I also hope to one day get and learn how to use photoshop, so this blog is more than just my stupid thoughts.

Bye forever,

Scott